Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Starseeking hope you have now blocked him!

@qqq82 that sounds like a useful conversation and he got it, but I hope he reflects and starts to make changes as it progresses as it won’t be sustainable for you both.

My update with Mr Music. So I had mixed messages about what was going on and if he wanted to continue. Around the same time I got covid and he had an operation, so still not seen each other. However, the communication has been great and we have our next date at the weekend (he asked). I am really looking forward to it!

@Starseeking I'd personally send one more message then hear his reply then block. He's been OLD for three years so perhaps he genuinely doesn't know why things have worked out so I'd explain it again just didn't feel more than friends etc and that wasn't what you were looking got. He just sounds fed up that even if you guys got along well, it's still a no, and doesn't get it!

@Starseeking I'd reply that obviously you don't have a connection with everyone you meet which is the whole point of first dates. If he can't understand that I'd question whether he's really been doing OLD for 3 years 😆

😂😂😂😂😂

qqq82

check-ing in
I think def keep wits about you
you like this one and don’t want to get hurt

Starseeking

oh dear
I think in this situation you can be kind and firm
and stop replying
he will learn , we hope

@Thisisworsethananticpated yeah
Feel like it's really knocked me
I still thought we were going to spend the rest of tomorrow together but a few days ago he said he's now made other plans as after we'd had words about it he presumed I'd cancelled my day off
I hadn't
I've now made plans with someone else but I just feel like it's changed things between us
I'll see how it goes
I'm not as optimistic as I was

qqq82

i still think it’s cool you met someone nice (aka hope ! They exist !)
but not that he’s stopped making you smile so much

it also sounds like he’s cooled as he was all over it to start with ? What do you thinks happening in his world and head ?

anyway stay guarded and remember you will get over him if it doesn’t work out
you will

qqq82 Oh it sounds a bit awkward now, that's a shame about tomorrow. I hope you can still get things back on track if that's what you want (& yes, keep your guard up)

Question, if a man can only ever meet on evenings (& I don't have many evenings free) then it's a bit of a non-starter isn't it?

I said no but he left me this voice note saying that everybody has their busy times & he's still up for meeting (& he changed it from weekday evenings only to the occasional weekend too) So I've said ok but I feel a bit... Meh. I suppose I just don't want to be the one having to find babysitters & rearranging my life whilst his carries on as it was & he slots me in on the evenings?

@qqq82 I probably said this before but you need to observe his behaviour after your chat. If he were serious, he'd make a real effort to smooth things over and go back to how it was yet he's not even making time. I personally think he wanted out but couldn't say it when you asked so is now fading it out.

@NervesOfCotton I think you just need to see whether you can make it work realistically. Personally I can only do weekends, no weeknights at all. So it just wouldn't work. I think you need to see what you will naturally find easy rather than the babysitter route

@NervesOfCotton It is so hard finding childcare! Is that their reason too? You could meet for the first few times and then if you were comfortable have dates at yours once the kids were in bed?

@qqq82 I am sorry it is being awkward for you and you’re feeling crap. Sending hugs.

LittleFloatingGhost No, his reason is he sees friends all weekend every weekend (although he changed that slightly when I said no) & works daytimes.
I've never got to that stage of having dates at mine once the kids were in bed so it just seems like such a big step!

Meepme Unless I pay for a babysitter (& that won't be an easy find as my oldest has SEN) then I only have every other Fri/Sat night free. (Sometimes Wednesdays depending on my ex's mood) so that's what's putting me off.

@qqq82 But why would be presume?
Surely he should have asked outright?

Sounds like a punishment to me, you got annoyed about his friendship, raised an issue and now he's suddenly busy all day.

Do his other new plans include said friend ?

@SortingItOut probably because I said something alone the lines of 'well I might as well cancel my leave then' when we'd 'hard words' over it . But this was on a Saturday and by Monday we were ok again . I don't work weekends so couldn't have cancelled it even if I had really wanted to
No he's now getting work done on his house
I really do think it's been a case of crossed wires , but I'll still be keeping an eye on how much their friendship impacts on our relationship

@NervesOfCotton so he's seeing his friends all weekend? Where's his time to date then? Again, if interested, he'd make time. I was expecting you to say he had childcare issues, not bloody friends!

Meepme Yeah, that reaction is exactly where I was at! & He had the cheek to ask me if I have time to date & had me falling over myself to explain to him that I do, before he dropped that bombshell.

That voice note threw me, I'm just a sucker for a sexy-deep-man voice atm

@NervesOfCotton I question if he has time to date if he prioritises his friends as much as he is doing. Seems he has a lot of growing up to do.

I know LittleFloatingGhost. That's exactly it isn't it! (& He's 51)

Thank you for the advice. He's unmatched.

Is it your date with Mr Music this weekend?

Also that he makes this distinction between 'dating' and 'friends' as if the person he is dating is not also a friend! I would only date someone I have some common interests with (not all, obviously) whereas he seems to keep dating in a separate compartment as of a woman is some alien creature rather than another (special) friend.

@NervesOfCotton yes it is. He has booed a restaurant and I am excited to be staying overnight. BUT I still have some lingering doubts - this is the first time I am seeing him since the chat. Will see what happens.

LittleFloatingGhost Aah I hope it goes really well I know you will have your wits about you just in case.

Can I ask for some advice and opinions on my situation with Mr V ? Some of you will know we have solidly dating for 3+ years. Don’t live together, see each other a couple of times a week. There are lots of smaller details that may be relevant but too many to list upfront. He’s a lovely, easy going guy who has caused zero drama with my DDs (18&23, both living here)
A couple of weeks ago he disappeared for about 8 hours despite having plans to meet. I was very worried and anxious until I heard from him mid evening. At this point I was furious and let my emotions out in a mix of tears and anger. He was apologetic and took it all without any attempt to minimise my feelings. The explanation he gave I believe is genuine , involving an old friend ( male ) resurfacing after a number of years in a complicated situation which I knew about. Before this incident our ‘dates’ had become rather low key and we (he) have been struggling with sex and intimacy for some time. But love and laughter have sustained us. Now we are in a new phase. He says that he feels totally unmotivated and just wants to go home after work and do nothing. I have been over to his twice in the last couple of weeks but I don’t stay. He said he was feeling unwell last weekend with a vague nondescript lethargy. He moved a meet up this week from Wednesday to yesterday and then messaged to say he wouldn’t be coming. I work until 8pm so weekday meet ups have been impacted since last Autumn. He said he would call and he did. He is insistent it’s not me or our relationship. He doesn’t have any specific worries or issues. He is planning to get to his GP. I have noticed that since a close friend of his with MH problems lost his mom it seems to have made similar feelings resurface for Mr V about the impact of his own mom’s death a few years ago. He was extremely close to her. This has all made me feel horribly anxious. I fear for the relationship and whether he will be determined enough to get back to a better headspace and how long it might take. I love him deeply but I can also see the flaws in our situation. I feel emotionally vulnerable while I wait to see how this plays out. I don’t have much of a support network around me. I have had to be strong and resilient for a long time since my DH and parents died. It feels like yet another time when I have to dig deep and hope I can get through something not of my making. Sorry this is a bit of a brain dump. Any thoughts much appreciated.

@Stepcount it sounds like he's depressed. I think you just have to sit tight and be supportive. Three years is a long time and he seems committed to you and the relationship but just feels a bit lost.

Aw @Stepcount sending hugs. Not a nice position to be in and can totally understand your anxiety. As meep says though it may be best to just see how it goes and look after yourself in the meantime. Please keep reaching out and we will support you through this.