Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Evening all,
Dipping my toe back into the OLD pool…. I have got an odd one. I have been txting Mr C for over a week.
We were going to meet for dinner (I would rather meet for coffee first but, he was insistent) but, I bottled it. He kept txting and we spoke on the phone a few times. We do get on well but, I am not sure…
Don’t know if it is me but, he only eats once a day. This is out of choice, not for medical reasons. Oddly, he is obsessed with food and says that he often eats too quickly because he looks forward to his dinner so much and he cooks for two and eats it all. He goes on and on about food and cooking… seems weird personally controlling behaviour. I have started to feel a bit conscious of having three meals a day… I know, weird!!
I originally agreed to a dog walk on Saturday but, have now said that it is too hot for the dog so, suggested a walk and a coffee. He has said that dinner would be great! We do have a lot in common and we do get on but, I am feeling railroaded.
He has said that he wants to chat tomorrow night about our date on Saturday night. He says that he doesn’t like arranging dates as he is so keen to please the other person, he always tries to do what they want.. really?
Guess what… my ex was abusive and a champion gaslighter… am I being targeted or am I paranoid? Advice appreciated please…

@Mollymolloy I'd push back and say can we just do a coffee as planned. He might just be really nervous. Then you can decide to have dinner another day if it turns out well

After using Hinge on and off for months and being too terrified/demotivated to go and meet any of the men who asked me out, I FINALLY bit the bullet and had my first Hinge date on Monday. And I’m happy to report that it was amazing!!! He was just so sweet, thoughtful and respectful 😍

We’d been chatting since early august but I had a lot of work deadlines which tbh I probably used as an excuse to delay our meeting since he was keen to meet almost immediately. He remained patient and would still text me every single day and often call me for very long conversations over the weekend throughout august, so it made the first date a bit less daunting since I felt like I knew him fairly well. I know they say it’s best to meet within a week or so of matching, and not text too much before then and I agree generally but the way we done it worked for us.

The conversation really flowed on our date and he done all the things I like which show he made an effort in arranging the date…booking a table, suggesting a restaurant etc. He also complimented me on how I looked when we sat down for dinner, but it wasn’t like too much or sleazy in any way.

He asked me for a second date which I said yes to! 🎉

and I was wondering about second date etiquette. He paid for everything on this date - coffee and then later dinner & drinks. Should I pay for the next one?

@NervesOfCotton I haven’t had that question about what car I drive (yet!) I’m sure those kind of men would unmatch immediately when they find out I don’t own a car. 😆

@Mollymolloy I agree - I’d stick to your guns about only meeting for coffee if that’s what you’re comfortable with. Often people who are quick to loudly proclaim they do so much for others and put others first or they are “nice guys” are exactly the opposite of what they describe. So yeah do keep both eyes wide open!

The eating one meal a day is quite common, it’s known online as OMAD. My friend does it, she lost about 4 stone doing this and it helped reverse some health issues she had but she still mainly sticks to it to keep her weight down. It seems he does or did have issues with overeating and this is his way of managing it.

@Mollymolloy

I would stick to my guns if I were you. Personally, I don’t want to go to dinner as a first date. It’s a bit low effort and predictable imo. I’d rather do something more casual and see how it flows. If it goes well a simple drink or coffee can lead to chatting for hours but equally can be cut short if the vibe isn’t there.

Personally, I’d find someone who obsesses about food really off putting. It seems a bit controlling and him putting his own views out there as the right ones.

First of all @samw98 I am so happy to read your updates! All this time of waiting for a good guy has paid off... I'm waiting to find mine now 😁

@mollymolloy I would agree and trust your gut on this. It is controlling but only of himself... If he tries to push his views onto you I'd say that's a red flag. He seems very anxious. That would turn me off personally, but that's me..
If you feel comfortable with coffee then insist it's coffee and don't let him push you out of your comfort zone. Good luck!

MollyMolloy Just to stick up for him for a minute, some men seem really set on the 'First date is dinner' kind of thing. I've had several chats where they say things like 'But meeting for a walk or a coffee isn't a date' & my mum was like that too when I first told her I was OLD.

I had a lovely date that we compromised on & started with a walk, then had a point where we could end it if we weren't feeling it, & then if we were both happy we then went for dinner.

That said, I've dated a food obsessive guy & it wasn't fun at all. Messed with my head as I have my own issues around food/weight without adding his! (Comments about how much I eat when I had a small chips & one sausage from the chip shop)

So that added with the not listening to you when you clearly aren't comfortable about dinner, would make it a no for me personally. As Anewnamea says, often the ones who go on about how nice they are, aren't.

Anewnamea Aah lovely update there really happy for you.

I don't know about paying etiquette, I rarely get a 2nd date

@Anewnamea

Re paying for a second date. Personally, I would always offer to pay but I wouldn’t argue if they insisted.

thank you so much ! he’d initially suggested doing a ‘fun’ activity like mini golf etc but I decided I was too nervous for that and glad I just went for coffee & then dinner as he is just brilliant to talk to. I was also thinking if coffee was awful we could have left it there and skipped dinner 😂 Who knows where it will go, but its nice to meet a man who makes an effort with communication & dates. I’ve been single for 6 years so just excited to get back out there.

Well let’s see if this second date actually happens , i know ghosting is a thing! 😅 I’ll call him Mr R and will keep you all posted

@SamW98 yeah I might do that! Good idea. I offered to pay half for the first date but he said no it’s fine, but I will offer to pay the whole bill this time.

Anewnamea Oh snap, I've been single 6 years too!

Nothing going on for me. Nobody matching back on Bumble. One chat on the other site but he's not saying anything, same old same old
I messaged him first & he was instantly doing one word answers really. Then he said 'Interested?' So I said 'Well yeah, I was, that's why I messaged you, but you aren't really saying anything!'

So he made all the effort of saying 'Which part of town are you in?' So I answered that & ended with 'Do you know the area?' & got a 'Yes'. So I gave up. He messaged again yesterday just one word each time again. I've only not blocked him because I'm not talking to anybody else & he looks really nice

But it's like getting blood out of a stone.

6 years single club 😂

I bin men off for the one word answers, but to be fair I suppose some people aren’t naturally good at online conversation.

Hopefully he is interested since you think he looks nice, but I worry sometimes men give short closed answers for an ego boost with the woman having to carry the conversation.

Maybe match his energy and give similarly concise answers 😂

Mollymolloy

that would annoy me
everyone knows that a fast walk and coffee is optimal for a first date chemistry check

if he can’t be flexible it doesn’t bode well

and his food issues indicate A certain rigidity

Anewnamea So do I... He's got lucky that I'm not chatting to anybody else right now so am giving him a chance but I'm answering him with one word answers too now in the vague hope that he might realise & stop it... I think we all know he won't though

NervesOfCotton So frustrating! I've got a couple of monosyllabic ones on tinder. I don't know what they get out of it.

Anewnamea your date sounds lovely. Always good to hear that OLD can work and there are nice people on there.

Mollymolloy as others have said, stick to what you're comfortable. Don't let him push you into having dinner if it's not what you want.
If you click then there'll be plenty of time for meals out together.

The perverts of tinder seem to have found me 🙄
Start off normal then after a day or two decide they really need to share their sexual fantasies.
Four days on tinder and I've reported 2 already. It's going great!

NellyTheCake I've shared this on here before but, I once had a first message saying 'Help me make myself cum'. Lovely.

@NellyTheCake@NervesOfCotton ugh I wonder if these men actually think they have a chance or they’re just out to harass women?

would you say tinder has more perverts than other dating apps? I have only used match and hinge but know more people are on tinder.

I am tempted to join but I go between wanting access to a bigger pool and thinking about how the ‘pool’ has a piss in it 😂 not sure if I’m thick skinned enough for tinder

And Thanks @NellyTheCake i do like to believe there are decent people on OLD so it was nice to get in person confirmation of this …ofc it’s early days still and he could turn out to be awful but he’s been nothing but kind and interesting so far, so I’ll cross that bridge if/when I cross it.

I'm not who you asked but I've personally had the most success with tinder. I personally didn't find anyone that interesting or interested in me on hinge, POF, bumble ect. I think it's possible the average quality is lower on tinder but rejoining online dating I've gone on a date with two different people from tinder. Both were lovely, one after something more casual and the other, Mr Analogue, who I've got date number 5 in less than a month tomorrow 😁

I think some of tinders settings and features do help- for example you can put the kind of relationship your after such as short term, long term, casual ect which can help with filtering out who's just on there to fuck about.

@Itssnotunusual that’s good to know! The filter feature sounds really useful.

Yes, I guess I might have a go at tinder in the near future. Seems like worth a try anyway.

That’s great - good luck on date number 5 with Mr Analogue!

6 years single club here too 😆

Haha wonder if we will all still be here to say it's now 7 years?

I've never been on Tinder but the men all say that they want a serious relationship on the one I'm on & they are just saying it to get the extra conversations.

I’ve never been on Tinder - I’m banned for life apparently 🤷‍♀️

Though I’ve found even filtering to those who say they’re looking for a relationship hasn’t stopped the sleazy ones who after a few days suddenly remember actually they’re looking for a FB and the odd night out.

Or the other extreme, they’re looking to settle down within weeks and want their ironing dive and dinner on the table. They want an unpaid need not an equal partner.

Maybe I've been lucky! I've found everyone pretty true to their label on there! Though 'still figuring it out' is definitely someone after casual about but just not wanting to say it to get more matches 🤦🏼‍♀️. All of the individuals I matched with through that were genuinely looking for a casual fuck buddy.

I realise it is often luck of the draw with OLD a often what people day and what they do are two very different things.

7 yrs doing OLD here.
Most of my dates have come from tinder. I like that you have to match before you can chat. And then you can unmatch & never have to see them again!

Second place is POF.

Bumble, Hinge, Match haven't really worked for me.

But I believe it is down to luck most of the time.

I've just exchanged numbers with someone who seems nice, so I'm hoping to arrange to meet him soon.