Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

LittleFloatingGhost Ooh, I hadn't thought about doing that

Cupid keeps sending me 'You have an intro' emails but when I click on, there's no intro. I imagine some cancel/delete if I don't answer immediately but some must be a ploy from the site to get me to pay or something.

How do people deal with being on the receiving end of being ghosted?

do you confront the person or just chalk it up to experience and try and let them go ?

I chalk it up to experience personally! I'd rather move on than give them another minute of my attention after that point because they definitely don't deserve it!

Oh I get that anxiety @NervesOfCotton I might be tall @6'3" but I have a bit of a belly 😔
Though apparently my girlfriend says I have the perfect bum!!

If you want to know from this male perspective I really don't worry about weight (to a limit I guess) I tend to see the real person presented, I also think that most women who have a fuller figure are much more sensual and are someone I can connect with?

Aah thanks for the nice words WtP. It never bothers me if a man has a 'bit if a tum', I'd rather that than stick thin any day.

I've had tonnes of horrendous messages regarding my weight, I didn't think I looked too bad when I joined up, then I thought 'Jeez, I must be a flipping whale then' & now I've gone full circle to... 'Well I'm me & it's not like the men online all look like Brad Pitt

Apart from with my ex, I've never had so much as a snog since I've put the weight on, so that probably doesn't help my confidence.

@NervesOfCotton
ignore those men who criticise your weight they are just pricks,

@NoDatingFor0ldMen It’s happened to me recently for the first time. I haven’t contacted him. I was massively too invested, felt a bit foolish, and angry!

It has put me off dating for a while.

@LittleFloatingGhost
i thought this one might have been different, but she was just flaky and unreliable and l really liked her as well ☹️

@NoDatingFor0ldMen I am sorry. I really liked mine too! I don’t think anyone is immune from being ghosted unfortunately.

@NervesOfCotton
Despite your worries I really wish you and all the other ladies/men the best of luck finding a decent honest man/woman/partner.
We are not all horrible shits and many of us are just as vulnerable as you to the slightly brutal world of dating in our more mature years.

I feel lucky to have met a truly wonderful person that seems to share the same values as me in life, but I will continue to visit here to hopefully see you all meet someone who fulfils your needs.

Thank you WtP

Thank you NoDatingFor0ldMen. Re your question, I think I'd ignore them as any reaction from you is unlikely to get you the answers/resolution that you need. VERY easy to say & difficult to do though!

NervesOfCotton. I ended up sending him a message saying we weren't a good match, then immediately blocked him as didn't want to be on the receiving end of whatever he replied with!

Re photos; I have 4 headshots (really bellybutton/boobs up), plus one full length picture, as it's the only one I could find. I find a lot of men don't have full length pictures on their profiles, which is annoying.

Starseeking Aah good, at least that's done!

I find the same, lots of men only have one headshot. Or about 10 group shots & you aren't sure which one is 'your' man

I came across a profile the other day and EVERY photo was a group shot!

on an unrelated note. My friend had been seeing someone for 3/4 months now. This guy is divorced but had a serious relationship after it where they had met each others kids, it ended badly. This only came out now. I felt he should have mentioned it earlier as she was under the impression that there hadn’t been anyone serious after his divorce. It’s not a lie but a misrepresentation and gives context I suppose.

NervesOfCotton** what messages are you getting about your weight? I'm curious as I'm a larger lady, and so far not had anything said about my weight, so perhaps need to steel myself for what may be coming soon.

NoDatingFor0ldMen I just move on from the ghosters. I think a lot of people are too scared to say they don't want to take things further (myself included!), so they just disappear. I'm getting better at it though.

WtP Good to hear your relationship is developing, it's nice to see some success on the dating thread.

Itsnotunusual Sounds like you are smitten if in previous years your reaction would have been different. Great to see things are going well with your man.

I've had mixed experiences this week. I had to block another man when we moved to WhatsApp after a week of chat as it was obvious he'd used somebody else's pictures on his dating profile! He tried to claim it was because he'd had a beard then and didn't want to show his current pictures, however the profile and build of the person on the app were totally different to the one on his WhatsApp profile!

I had another first date last night. It was ok, but I didn't really understand his sense of humour, and if I saw him again it would feel like we were forcing things, so I don't think we'll meet up again.

I have a couple more first dates this weekend, so will see how those go, I hope I click with at least one of them!

Starseeking I'm sure you look lovely & I hope you never experience any of these messages You are doing well with all of these dates too! I hope the weekend ones go well.

I've not had any on Bumble tbf (but I barely speak to anybody on there)
On the free site I'm on I've had
'How big are you? Because I don't mind big but don't want to be seen with somebody massive'
'Can I have your measurements so I can work out how fat you are'
'Chubby mummy'
'Princess of fat'
'You are fat as fuck so I hope you have a nice personality'
'Could you measure your stomach so I can match it against mine before we meet? You are definitely fat'

Those are the ones that come to mind. Some have hurt more than others, after you've been chatting a while & then they drop this clanger. Some have just been a first message & that's fine. Weight is an easy target isn't it.

LittleFloatingGhost I'd find that a bit odd too.

NoDatingFor0ldMen
Sorry to hear you've been ghosted. It's a horrible thing to do, especially when you'd been seeing her for a while, I think.

I was ghosted a few years ago by someone I'd been seeing for 3mths. I found him & confronted him. Which gave me a bit of closure.

A friend sent me this after.
"Ghosting hurts because it silences you, leaves you powerless and wondering, leaves you alone with your assumptions, without the possibility of confrontation and expression, leading to an erroneous self-validation which ultimately undermines your self-esteem. People ghost because of indifference, either toward their own feelings (rare) or toward you."

I'm sure I've told this story before but I was ghosted by someone I'd been seeing solidly for 15 months
He loved bombed me then pulled the rug. I did not see it coming at all
And we worked in the same place
Nearly killed me
I don't think I could ghost if there was no good reason even after a short time

I’ve never ghosted someone I’ve met but I’ve had no problem deleting without explanation someone I’m not gelling with via messages.

Sadly we’ve probably all had the experience where we’ve politely told someone they’re not what you’re looking for only to be met with either a torrent of abuse or begging to be given another chance.

Date number 2 today with Mr GA. I’m driving up to his area as he came to mine last time. He asked if I would stay over but it’s get too soon for me plus already there’s been a couple of things this week given me slight questions. It might be he’s just not a great communicator but some of his messages have given me the ick. It’s all too much too soon and having had a short but toxic relationship with a narcissist, the red flags start flying when they’re overly keen.

But I’ll meet today and see how things go.

NoDatingFor0ldMen

im Sorry to hear this
the term is oft used here and I think there’s a big difference between disappearing on someone who’s not great mid chat (which I advised a poster to do !) to disappearing on someone you are involved with

in your case I read some concerns about how it was going and she’s clearly (despite being an educated adult ) not able to say this isn’t working for me

in this case you have two options

delete , block and nurse your rather bruised heart
or
send a mature message saying ‘message received , it would have been nice if you could have communicated this is over , but there we are ‘ then also delete and block

Also sometimes silence is an answer

Ive ghosted people , not because I’m an arsehole but they have upset me and I don’t trust them to have an adult conversation

NervesOfCotton** those messages horrific, I'm so sorry you've received them. Those people clearly have a screw loose to be randomly messaging those things and still thinking they have a chance. I'm sure you're lovely and will meet the right person for you soon xXx

qqq82 ghosting in that way after 15 months is really not on, given it would clearly have been a full-on proper relationship, I can imagine how upsetting that must have been.

SamW98 So much nuance can get lost in translation over messaging, I hope it resolves itself in person and that all goes well with today's date.

NervesOfCotton

that’s utterly appalling
im so sorry

Thank you for your kindness re these messages everybody. I'm ok with it now, they were a while ago when I used to answer everybody. I've worked through it in my head & it's made me much more guarded with who I talk to.

SamW I hope it goes well