Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yes @meepme I'm with you. This time around I am being so stern. Hardly any matches and I'm ending chats very quickly when I see a red flag. Has to be worth all this in the long run 😬😬

It’s not easy. I was already involved in attending music events with my friends for years so that was where I started going to more and getting chatting to people.
It’s taken a while but it’s evolved pretty organically.

Being so social people are surprised I don’t meet many people out and about but it does tend to be a lot of the same old faces and men who think they’re a big fish in a small pond.

I was dumped and rehired in a 24 hour period 🤷🏼

Uh oh. But all is okay now? Is it just a slight blip?

I am surprised & a bit sad that all the ladies in their 50's are finding it hard finding good people to date. I honestly think you are at that age where a woman holds all the cards?
I'm absolutely not offering myself up as I'm very happily taken, but I would hope that men my age would for 1 act like decent honest people & 2 be confident enough in their own skin to not play games.

I’m in my 50s, I cannot tell you just how difficult it is. I’ve messaged so many men in the past, with very little response rate. It seems that the men who message me are too old, too young, too far, monosyllabic, married, etc.

I could write an essay on my bad experiences with men in their 50s.

If I get any response to my messages then it's usually 😍 or lol or hi gorgeous or you look fit.

If I get past that bit then the chat usually goes along the lines of
Me: any plans for the weekend? I'm doing xyx
Them: no plans lol
So no attempt to move the chat along. Or they just want to comment on how I look.

If we actually manage to arrange a date then 9/10 don't look like their photos because the photos are years out of date.

Generally the men I've chatted to or met have no hobbies other than watching tv & a drink down the pub with their mates. There's an expectation that they'll find a partner and suddenly they'll have an amazing social life. The idea of going out & doing things by themselves just hasn't occured to them. I often get comments like 'you're so busy lol'.

I've had 15 first dates this year. Only 2 have had a second date and then they admitted they just wanted something casual. Another 3 were very nice, genuine men but there was zero spark for either of us.

I work alone & live alone, so it would be nice to find a partner one day, which is why I'll be having another attempt on the apps next month.

not sure I would use the word “slight” as an accurate description , she did tell me she was peri and her hormones were “all over the place “ , her words not mine.

Just to put a different spin on this, the woman I’m seeing is busy, really busy, full on job, kids, horse , and a busy social life, with a close friendship circle.

if I had known this “upfront “, I might have thought twice as i have less going on I’m the one having to fit around her and change my plans to match her free time, as to be absolutely honest she doesn’t really have the time to date.

I think if someone says they are really busy that should be a red flag that the person might not really enough free time to dedicate to a relationship

I honestly think that all the men (& I'm sure some women) are the same. I get exactly the same. No hobbies. Nothing to say other than comments about my looks. Sometimes I think I'll roll my eyes right out of my head as I read these messages

My 2 chats from Bumble yesterday, one is slowly doing the
'How was your day'? & 'I didn't do anything. Slept in till 12 lol' (& that's attractive?!)

2nd one has gone on about his gardening business & has already made a comment that's made me a bit wary (But I might just be being sensitive) & then dropped the 'I don't have any hobbies as I work all the time'. What, all the time? Gardening until midnight? So I've just asked the usual 'Will you have time to meet for dates then?'

I get that I strong work ethic is good, but why do they think it's a good idea to tell us they have no free time?!

Haha, cross pissed with yours NoDatingFor0ldMen. I absolutely see it as a red flag & it makes me wary, if there's any indication that they are super busy for whatever reason.

The worst thing I find is that men are really rude when they find out that I have primary aged kids & either instantly assume that I have no time to date, or make comments like 'Can't their grandparents have them for the weekend? Everybody else I've dated has used grandparents for this'

50 something here and can only echo what others have said.
I get lots of likes, quite a few matches but very few replies to my messages.

Those who do reply are as Nelly has along the lines of ‘your sexy babe’ (sic) oi oi MILF or hi or even worse just a 👋

Those i do manage to get a conversation going with either want to start sexual comments within a day or two or as I’ve said before send semi naked photos so I know what I’m gonna get - yes I had those words.

I’ve had 4 dates this year - none of them led to a second. I’ve also met a few men in the wild who were equally a let down.

Started chatting to one yesterday who’s second message asked if I’m financially independent and looking to get married within 1-2 years otherwise he’ll be wasting his time 🤷‍♀️

It’s very very hard. I’m attractive intelligent funny sociable But Ive been single almost 4 years and being celibate really doesn’t suit me. There doesn’t seem any way out from my current state - not through lack of trying but a tiny pool of suitable men none of whom I’ve actually found.

I get what you're saying but there is a big difference between 'I do nothing apart from work, eat, sleep' and 'I have no spare time to date'.

I've plenty of spare time free but I'd rather go out with friends/by myself than sit at home staring at the walls.

This weekend I've got nothing arranged but I'll go out for a bike ride/walk/sit in a coffee shop/doing some shopping.
Many of the men I've chatted with see that as being super busy.🙄

@NellyTheCake - I’m the same. I do socialise with friends most weekends but that’s because I’m do hHe and it’s much better to have an active social life than sit round house watching Netflix 24/7

However when I’m in a relationship my priorities would change but I’ve had the ‘oh too busy with your friends to fit me in’ when I’ve said I’m busy the day they’ve asked to meet and offered an alternative.

I would see it as a positive if a potential partner had a great friendship circle and life outside of a relationship. I think having lives away from each other is a good thing.

*single obvious not do hHe (how did predictive text come up with that one?)

I'm with you @SamW98, I see it as a positive thing, rather than a red flag, if a man has his own life going on, has his own DC and is busy.

Talking more on the date with one of the guys I recently met put me off as I could tell he would want me to fill up his life for him. He works full-time, and had no hobbies, a brother in Germany, parents had died and he'd been in the army for 12 years. He did nothing after work.

Meanwhile I have a full-time job, DC in KS1 who live with me (except for the 4 days a month they go to their Dad's 🙄), and parents over 70 who I see at least 4 times a week. I could probably squeeze in seeing someone briefly after work here and there as my parents would babysit after my DC Nanny leaves, but I don't want and could not get together with someone who wanted to see me everyday.

I'd be happy meeting up with a nice man a few times a month, and building that up over the years as my DC get older and more independent.

I think there is a place for those who want to meet someone three or four times a week, and also for those who are happy with once a fortnight. The thing is, they have to be upfront about this, and realistic about what they can manage and what they are prepared to do.

It's that happy balance isn't it, we don't want somebody who can barely fit in a date but also, far too many men on OLD seem to have no interests at all & want you to fill all of their time.

I used to worry, when I first started OLD, that I had no interests anymore as I was just mum, but compared to some of the men I've spoken to, I have 1000's of interests

Oh definitely and it’s about managing and matching expectations.

Im very clear that I’m not looking for a 4 nights a week relationship and that getting married again isn’t on my plans. That has put some off I accept that but it’s best to be upfront from the start

Gosh just reading the responses reminds me of how difficult dating is and how it's all about compatibility as we all have different needs to be met. My partner works in health care, long hours, enjoys a pint with friends at some stage every week and is very involved with his local soccer club. All this suits me as I want to be there quite a bit for my kids for another while even though they are 22 and 18! He is open to any of my interests and likewise so it works. We are away next week for a week in the sun so I'm both nervous and excited. Wishing everyone a great weekend.

Oh definitely. I could not work with someone who wanted every day or really even more than one date a week. My schedule has been a bit emptier for a few weeks due to me leaving a job in a school in July and starting a course this September. I'm going to be working or studying 5 days a week, have a toddler 75% of the time when he's not at my ex's house, a dog and my own hobbies and interests to squeeze in somewhere.

Mr Analogue is equally busy for different reasons!
There has definitely been some comparing of plans and schedules just having the first three dates. And us having to finish the date by a certain time due to appointments/ commitments) other plans!

I’d love once a week with hopefully a sleepover too. More if time allowed.

But texting or other contact in the week? Yes please, that keeps it all on the boil very nicely!

I think that's what I'm aiming for with Mr Analogue tbh and what's been happening so far 🙈. Lots of texting throughout the week and an extended 'date' when we do see each other. Our next collectively free day is next Tuesday though he's dropping me off at the train station early-ish the next day as he is taking his parents to the airport for their holiday!

Well after Mr blow out cancelled last Sundays date hes asked to meet Monday and said he’ll travel to the big town local to me (20 minutes drive for me)

Im not sure I’m feeling it but thought there’s nothing lost in agreeing to lunch and a couple of drinks on a bank holiday and I could be pleasantly surprised.

SamW98

I’d say the fact he’s travelling your way minimises inconvenience for you so .. who knows