Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Slothmomma That must have been so annoying, I really dislike smoking too, and wouldn't date anyone who did.

@sparklingharbour I've only been doing the apps about 6 weeks now. Split with my ex 2 years ago, and he's only recently started doing more regular and reliable childcare (DC are both under 7), which means I can actually go out.

Although my parents would babysit, I really don't want to be asking to come and look after my DC so I can go dating 🤣🤣🤣

I've got another first date tonight actually, but can only stay an hour as the DC are being dropped back to me this evening.

@Starseeking
"I've got another first date tonight actually, but can only stay an hour as the DC are being dropped back to me this evening."

Sometimes having a time limit for a first date can be a good thing as it saves time for either party if no spark etc

@Slothmomma
Its one of my hard rules "no smokers" and yet I had the same as you on one date that had said "non smoker" but I could tell when we first met she was a smoker and then was "nipping to the toilet" but I saw her go outside to smoke!

Absolutely brilliant. This is superb. Enjoy everything and we do love these stories 😍

Slothy patience. There are nice guys out there but the smokers do lie about their habit. Very disrespectful to you. Onwards and upwards

Slothmomma Oh that's so annoying. And very disrespectful to you.

Starseeking My mum babysat for my first ever OLD date
Downside was she got to grill me on every little detail about him beforehand & after!

I'm feeling extremely disheartened with it all now... Several 'Nearly' but not quite right ones have left me feeling deflated.

One lived 15 miles but once we chatted it turned out his location was more like 65 miles. One said he had autism & I gave him a load of reassurance about how I wouldn't judge him for that (he was saying 'You will. Everybody does') He had a particular noise that he likes. More reassurances by me that it's fine. But he then wants me to describe me making this noise to him through messages before we've met... Er, that's just sounding like a fetish now!

Another one seemed absolutely amazing until I had to go off & just do life, put my kids to bed etc, in 2 hours he had sent 10 messages going 'Oh right, you aren't interested'. 'So you are just gonna disappear'. 'Well thanks a lot, that's lovely' etc.
I messaged back saying 'I'm here. I was busy, sorry'. & he tried to go back to normal but it was done for me.

Another one called me a MILD (Mum I'd like to date) I said 'I hate that, I know you are being funny but please don't'. He apologized. First message the next day was 'Hows my favourite MILD?'

Ugh. Ugh. And ugh again. Dating sucks.

Little update on Mr Analogue. Whilst we're not official we've both confirmed that neither of us are seeing anyone else at the minute 😁

Despite our collectively emotionally heavy weeks. I went over to his at the last minute on Tuesday evening. He even got oat milk in for me! I don't recall feeling this warm and fuzzy about anyone! Not even my ex who I was in a relationship for four years! He definitely made a shitty week less shit anyway- hopefully I did the same for him.

@Itssnotunusual that is lovely!

@NervesOfCotton I hear you! Since I didn’t hear anything from Mr Music I have taken a step back. Not on any apps at all.

I am working on myself for a bit as I felt really crap when I was ghosted. Need to grow a thicker skin!

NervesOfCotton. I know what you mean, but you just have to keep going with it, as it really is a numbers game.

So far I've been on dates with two men I met on Tinder and one man I met via PoF. The PoF man was the nicest of the three, but still no spark, similar to the others, so I don't want to meet him again. I can see that eventually I'll have gone on enough dates to meet someone that I like enough to develop a deeper relationship with.

Itsnotunusual Mr Analogue sounds great, I hope things keep progressing well.

@itsnotunusual I feel so happy for you ☺️ lovely to hear good news

@nervesofcotton and @littlefloatingghost I absolutely hear you.

I've been ghosted too many times. I've learnt that it's not a me thing, it's a them thing. I follow an agony aunt on insta who has loads of tips on this and I've bought her book which is amazing. It's called "block, delete, move on"

A degree of resilience is required to be on the apps, I agree. A couple of months off has done me the world of good and I am being extra extra picky now. Ofc the odd idiot does slip through and you never know who is going to ghost you. Hope you are doing ok

Aww thank you for checking in on me, you lovely people

My problem is I've only managed a handful of dates the whole time I've been OLD, things rarely get that far & when I dwell on that, I think I must be doing something wrong. I'm usually pretty good at the 'Dust yourself off & move on' (I know we've all been there!)

Kids are driving me crazy too so that's not helping my state of mind, I feel like Big Brother with this countdown in my head but week 1-3 was fine, week 4 & 5 have been absolute hell!

I've started 2 chats on Bumble since this morning & that's more than I've had for weeks, so we will see.

Itssnotunusual Lovely update

Hi can I rejoin?

Not been on here for a long time, separated from husband 7 months ago. I haven’t been on the apps yet but have dabbled with two people I’ve met elsewhere who I’ll call Mr Food (chatted but non-starter) and Mr North (dated for a bit but not compatible).

Have taken some lessons from both encounters though and know what is a hard no-no for me now , so all good things.

Plan to go on hols next week then give the apps a go, not for a relationship just for some adult company when I feel like it.

Tiny bit apprehensive 😬

@NervesOfCotton

I totally hear you. It’s crap and seems like wading through an endless succession of wronguns and idiots.

I seem to attract two types - either desperate to settle down within days or looking for a shag. No one in the middle ground.

Still messaging Mr blow out but it’s fading rapidly. He’s already made a couple of comments which make me think he’s in the desperate category. We’ve not met yet he’s talking about what could happen in future which always feels like a red flag to me.

Ive got to stage where I’m not taking any of it too seriously. I was out with friends all weekend and got a holiday booked next month.

Ive met a few on the wild but they’re no better - think I’m a wrongun magnet 🤣🤣

I seem to attract two types - either desperate to settle down within days or looking for a shag. No one in the middle ground.

This is me also!!
I was thinking of going back on the apps next month but I'm not sure I have the energy to filter through all the crap.

My friends say I'm just being fussy but I refuse to settle just to be in a relationship.

But now I'm mid 50s, the choice of decent men is almost zero.

NervesOfCotton it's most definitely not you, it's them. The trouble with apps is that you don't know what people's motivations are for being on there in the first place.

Some might be married looking for attention, some might be looking for ONS or FWB and either say it upfront, or it comes out in their chat, some might actually be looking for a relationship, and a whole host of other reasons.

Because you don't know, you have to wade through all of them to get to the one whose company you enjoy, AND you want to sleep with them AND whatever else you want in a partner AND your calendars align!

Apps are the main way I can currently meet someone (unless someone propositions me on my commute!), so I try and use them for what they are, as a way to come across more potential partners, and try not get too attached to anyone until actions are matching words.

Im similar age and the pool is very small.

Same as you I’ve got friends who say I’m too fussy but then they end up on a merry go round of a few dates and crap sex on a repeat cycle. That’s not for me. I’m comfortable on my own, I’d rather not bother if it’s not right for me.

SamW98 Those are the only 2 types that exist, aren't they?

I'm 41 & seem to get the worst of all worlds, 20 year olds wanting to shag a cougar or the 60 year olds who 'Have a house all set up for a family. What do you mean I can't meet your kids on the first date?!'

Starseeking You are so right, it's just a way to pass the time for a lot of them isn't it.

I just got a message from a 77 year old - I think I give up 🤣

samW98 That's one thing I've realised, just how many 'Older gentlemen' are on these Apps! I don't mind if they message like 'I know I'm ancient & wrinkly but thought I'd try my luck anyway'... I mind when they message just assuming that I'd be happy to date somebody 30/40 years older & get all offended when I'm not

Obviously only talking about the 'Message anybody' site I'm on. None of that on Bumble.

The pool is teeny tiny when you have standards. I think online dating has had its day. It used to be niche, now not so much. And i seriously think men feel like women on there are left on the shelf ie so they can treat you however they want as we are the rubbish ones no one wants!

All my former single friends have found their "soulmate". I'm the only one left on my own.
So they can't understand why I can't find anyone.

I've previously let them do some swiping for me. And then they realise how small the pool really is.
So they end up swiping on anyone vaguely normal looking. The last time they tried, I ended up on a date with someone who seemed ok on the messages, but was very weird in person.

NellyTheCake

joking aside you need more single friends

now I’m a LP I’m building closer links with other single women and other single mums

its totally ok to be single x

I found a whole new friendship group after my marriage split as my mates were all married and I needed to go out more than a handful of times a year.

So now I have a lovely circle of mature single friends for nights out festivals holidays and not growing old.

I still see my old mates but don’t rely on them anymore.

I agree!
My friends are lovely & very supoortive but seem to have forgotten what it's like to be single & trying to date.

No idea where I would find any single friends though.
I"ve tried Meetup but struggled to find any groups that I liked.
I do a couple of sports but nearly everyone is a lot younger.

And I work on my own. So not going to meet anyone that way.

It’s tricky

I’ve made friends with a mum on my road , started some exervise classes I’m also recycling some old friends from the days of yore ! Uni and school mums

but I strongly feel that expanding my network this way will make me happier than the apps

i love my married friends but my single friends get it more