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Original poster

Possible Emma Thompson Moment

337 replies

MaybeAgain2023 · 06/07/2023 22:33

It’s my birthday next week

9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years.

OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed.

I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance.

Feeling nervous

OP posts:
Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Why don’t you just ask him?
why would you wait around and worry about it for a week or more?

hey DP, I saw this purchase from X shop - something for my birthday?!

you will either find out it’s not for you or ‘ruin’ a surprise which has been ruined anyway by this wondering

honestly I don’t know why couples don’t just talk to each other.

LadyDanburysHat · 07/07/2023 08:04

I really hope it is not bad news for you OP. The wait must be awful for you.

Stravaig · 07/07/2023 08:08

Here is the heart-shredding present opening scene, exquisitely acted by Emma Thompson. She had previously been delighted to find a necklace in her husband's coat pocket.

Stravaig · 07/07/2023 08:08

@IncomingTraffic Cross post!

Grrrpredictivetex · 07/07/2023 08:11

Do hope it's for you.

Toothiepegg · 07/07/2023 08:19

Stravaig · 07/07/2023 08:08

Here is the heart-shredding present opening scene, exquisitely acted by Emma Thompson. She had previously been delighted to find a necklace in her husband's coat pocket.

So brutal isn't it.

FireflyJar · 07/07/2023 08:20

I suppose the bottom line is, will it make a difference to you if it was for the OW? Do you want to change your life and separate? Or will you stay whatever happens? You run the risk of him leaving at some point when she will have enough maybe, and his retort will be, Well you knew anyway

LivingDeadGirlUK · 07/07/2023 08:24

MaybeAgain2023 · 07/07/2023 06:24

I’m going to put it to the back of my mind but will come back to update.

Thank you again. I have read every reply.
Yes he is very generous and often surprises me with birthday gifts.

To those saying about living with this level of mistrust and similar. I don’t really, and we’re genuinely happy. When someone you love and trust has an affair, it fundamentally changes you. It’s that feeling that the rug has been pulled from under you, you doubt your own judgement, wonder how you missed the signs. So me spotting this transaction, is part of my own personal defence mechanism. It’s nothing to do with him or a reflection on our relationship now, it’s entirely about me and tbh, will never go away.

Major events in our lives change us and that’s not a bad thing so long as it’s manageable. Checking his phone, regularly scouring accounts and rummaging through cupboards is not managing it, so I won’t.

Being aware is just how I am now, and I would be, whether I was still with him or had moved on.

This is so very true OP, I hope it is for you.

LittleBear21 · 07/07/2023 08:28

I hope it's for you OP x

Original poster
MaybeAgain2023 · 07/07/2023 08:37

@FireflyJar
have you actually read any of my posts?

@Floofer20
that‘s incredibly naive and a simplistic view

OP posts:
MissedItByThisMuch · 07/07/2023 08:40

Oh ffs the OP sounds perfectly together and doesn’t need and hasn’t asked for the patronising faux sympathy and “helpful” advice she’s getting from some posters.

OP I’m in your situation but with 8 fewer years on the clock and completely understand why that watchfulness never leaves, that determination not to be taken for a fool and caught unawares again.

I really really hope it’s something for you - surely, surely it must be after 9 years!

Rosietheravisher · 07/07/2023 08:43

Toothiepegg · 07/07/2023 08:19

So brutal isn't it.

Show quote history

It was her acting in this one scene that made me realise ET is a genius. I can’t stand her though. I know, I know - I am very jealous of her. Very.

BubziOwl · 07/07/2023 08:49

I don’t really, and we’re genuinely happy. When someone you love and trust has an affair, it fundamentally changes you. It’s that feeling that the rug has been pulled from under you, you doubt your own judgement, wonder how you missed the signs. So me spotting this transaction, is part of my own personal defence mechanism. It’s nothing to do with him or a reflection on our relationship now, it’s entirely about me and tbh, will never go away.

Very well put OP - I think some people are quite naive and have very simplistic, black and white views that don't really translate to real life.

Keeping all my fingers crossed for you 🤞 x

Idrankyourbananamilk · 07/07/2023 08:52

So sorry OP. I stayed in a previous relationship after an affair and I know exactly the feeling you mean. Current DP is absolutely rock solid and has never once given me a reason for concern, but I’m less naive now and I have complete trust in him coupled with the knowledge that no relationship is untouchable by these things.

Dazedandmore · 07/07/2023 08:55

@MaybeAgain2023 , just an idea ... does this shop have men clothes or kids? Is it possible it's for him or the kids?

IncognitoMam · 07/07/2023 08:56

You sound very level headed OP. Really hope it's for you though.

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 08:57

MaybeAgain2023 · 07/07/2023 08:37

@FireflyJar
have you actually read any of my posts?

@Floofer20
that‘s incredibly naive and a simplistic view

You’re so right, very naive. It’s much better to sit around and wait to see what happens rather than have a bit of control over your own life.

ManuelBensonsLeftBoot · 07/07/2023 09:00

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Why don’t you just ask him?
why would you wait around and worry about it for a week or more?

hey DP, I saw this purchase from X shop - something for my birthday?!

you will either find out it’s not for you or ‘ruin’ a surprise which has been ruined anyway by this wondering

honestly I don’t know why couples don’t just talk to each other.

You really can't see the flaw in that plan?
If she asks him and it's for the OW he would lie (because if it is for the OW he is a cheating, lying arse) and of course he will say it's for her and give it to her and she will never know if it was really for her or not. The wait may be excruciating but at least she will.know one way or the other in a week's time.

Hidinginaonesie · 07/07/2023 09:04

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 08:57

You’re so right, very naive. It’s much better to sit around and wait to see what happens rather than have a bit of control over your own life.

Show quote history

Don’t be so silly @Floofer20
It’s far more sensible for op to wait a few days than risk having it all blow up or possibly never getting the truth just for the sake of instant gratification.

letthatmango · 07/07/2023 09:05

Oh the usual load of nonsense from posters who have simply zero understanding of the reconciliation process and how it alters your world.

@MaybeAgain2023 You have been heard. Anyone who has gone through this shit and stayed together will know the fear of having that rug pulled out from underneath your feet again is hellish and it takes such strength to battle those fears. I stayed and I bloody love my husband but like you I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at walking, if he dared put me through what he did again. I have my plan b, my ducks are in a row too, I will not be blindsided again. I hear that in you. It is a reconciled partners greatest fear that the love, compassion and empathy they have shown will be thrown back at them.

Learning to feel safe with someone again is hard and like you I knew damn well that I would view romantic relationships differently. You become pragmatic and I knew that I was best going through a rebuilding process with my husband or it would be no one at all.

I hope that you get the outcome from this you deserve and wish for. FWIW I can’t believe that this gift is for an AP of 9 years ago. It makes sense it’s for the woman who has stood by him, the person whose birthday is just around the corner.

But if he has dared to betray your belief and hope in him then you have a whole army of mumsnetters behind you helping you kick him out the door.

Huge hug, it will be a hard week.

Lada214 · 07/07/2023 09:08

.

shropshirewitch · 07/07/2023 09:11

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/07/2023 07:36

Being dim what has this to do with Emma T?
Is this what her first husband KB did? Buy something for the OW?

It's a scene from Love Actually, but KB cheated on ET with Helena BC, so ET drew on that. ET has now said she's forgiven HBC for what she did, but during Harry Potter they had to make sure they were never filming on the same days/likely to run into each other.

MissChanandlerB0NG · 07/07/2023 09:15

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 08:57

You’re so right, very naive. It’s much better to sit around and wait to see what happens rather than have a bit of control over your own life.

Show quote history

OP is definitely making the right decision by waiting this one out.

letthatmango · 07/07/2023 09:18

And yes you def wait this one out! If (and I hope that’s a very small if) he has brought this gift for an AP he’s hardly going to admit it when he has plenty of time to ‘fix’ the problem.