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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possible Emma Thompson Moment

337 replies

MaybeAgain2023 · 06/07/2023 22:33

It’s my birthday next week

9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years.

OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed.

I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance.

Feeling nervous

OP posts:
sevenbyseven · 09/07/2023 11:29

letthatmango · 09/07/2023 09:23

@Rosietheravisher I am happily reconciled but I see things differently and it’s nothing to do with not trusting my husband, feeling safe with him or holding onto the affair, it’s just I know what human beings are capable of. My naivety has just gone. My LIVED experiences make me see things differently.

There was a thread the other day on here about a husband and female friend stopping for an hour and a half at a service station. A friend of the wife had raised it as odd. The general feeling on the thread was of mirth at the idea that anyone could have sex in a service station in that time. Before being cheated on I would have laughed too. Now I know that it’s entirely plausible, as is having an affair entirely within working hours, while going on the daily dog walk, never going on ‘dates’ with the AP, never buying them gifts, burner phones, secret apps etc etc etc This thought process around that thread didn’t happen because I don’t trust my husband (it was nothing to do with him and his affair didn’t have long distance days out) it happened because I now know that it’s all possible. Who knows if this guy is having an affair but I certainly don’t have a naivety anymore. My view on this has changed.

@MaybeAgain2023 has had the same ‘awakening’ as myself, she is all to aware of how people can behave. In the case of the gift she knew that what she hoped for may not be the case because LIVED EXPERIENCE tells her that. She was careful and guarded and has an exit plan should she not be treated with the absolute respect she deserves. That’s a healthy response. The fact the OWs birthday is a week before her own and she remembers that is hardly proof of what you’re saying, jeez I have people I’m not close to, who remember my birthday and my childrens birthdays, just because of its proximity to their own. It happens all the time.

Sometimes we don’t need to instantly book more counselling or naval gaze when faced with a very obvious problem that we then deal with successfully and move on from as OP has.

Well said. And you'd probably take this caution forwards to a new relationship too.

Gothambutnotahamster · 09/07/2023 13:21

Great news Op.

3luckystars · 09/07/2023 13:31

Phew! The relief.

larkstar · 09/07/2023 18:22

@MaybeAgain2023 I'm glad the outcome was what you hoped it would be.

I think you missed something important with the way you dismissed the comment made by
@Floofer20
"that‘s incredibly naive and a simplistic view"

a problem you have now is that you don't seem to have sorted out a way in which you and your DH could move forward after the short lived affair - it must have been awful for you to go through this period of uncertainty over this transaction. IMHO he seems to have fucked up massively and is lucky to have a chance to rebuild any kind of relationship with you - I can think of nothing that would harm anyone more so I think you have every right to be suspicious about anything unusual that happens that might suggest some other deceit is going on - you have every right to feel that way and to not know if or whether that will ever end - this is IMHO a perfectly logical and predictable outcome when you have lied to and deceived your partner. I don;t understand why he hasn't had to agree to enable everything to be out in the open where you can check, without fear of criticism, anything that goes on in your relationship - that means you having access to anything and everything - his passwords, his social media accounts, emails, banks, phone, devices - haven't you made him understand just how much damage he has done? I think you have a right to all of this - and if he is as committed to you and repairing the relationship, making it stronger even - I don't see why he would object - my wife has always had this - probably in the last 25 years I can only think of one time she asked a question about something and vice versa - there is a great sense of peace, calm and trust that exists for us - I'd be upset if my wife had been putting herself needlessly through the wringer over some misunderstanding or baseless worry - like your worry over this - I'd be in tears over what you have been through. So - OK - it worked out OK but I think you still have a problem that you ought to try and negotiate a settlement over - do don't want to go through this again do you? I don't know on what pretext you can bring all this back up to the surface but I think you need to find a way - life is so much easier when people, partners are open, honest and can be direct with each other.

MsRosley · 09/07/2023 19:06

So pleased for you, OP x

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/07/2023 19:21

Aw fab news!

BubziOwl · 09/07/2023 20:44

Oh yay I'm so glad to see your update OP ❤️

MissChanandlerB0NG · 10/07/2023 07:55

Amazing update! ❤️

WillyLows · 10/07/2023 08:57

Love this update! Hope you had a lovely birthday.

LulooLemon · 10/07/2023 11:33

Great to hear

JohnOgloat · 10/07/2023 11:49

RachelTopliss · 08/07/2023 18:54

That's great news but I think your anxiety over the discovery is information you can't afford to ignore. Happy birthday 🎂 for next week too.

Rubbish! Life, never mind relationships can be fraught with anxiety of various degrees for a whole plethora of reasons.

Take no notice OP and have a fabulous Birthday. So happy for you🎈

Bowbowbo · 10/07/2023 12:03

That's wonderful OP - I'm chuffed to bits for you!

Incognito2023 · 10/07/2023 15:54

So relieved it’s a happy ending - we don’t get enough of those!

thanks for updating OP, and happy birthday

TaylorSwiftFan · 11/07/2023 00:37

Awww wonderful update!!

Rosietheravisher · 11/07/2023 00:44

Op, please don’t read this.

i don’t think this is a happy ending. It should have been a non story from the start. Op made something out of nothing, immediately jumping to conclusions. For no good reason. And now we are celebrating something that didn’t happen as though it not happening is some kind of achievement. I don’t get it.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 11/07/2023 01:03

You don’t need to get it @Rosietheravisher

It’s nothing to do with you.

Rosietheravisher · 11/07/2023 01:30

CrazyArmadilloLady · 11/07/2023 01:03

You don’t need to get it @Rosietheravisher

It’s nothing to do with you.

Just as my thoughts and ideas are nothing to do with you.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 11/07/2023 01:53

OP - I hope you’re OK and hopefully have now hidden the thread, having got what you need from it. Flowers

Original poster
MaybeAgain2023 · 12/07/2023 14:41

I’ve just caught up so wanted to post again. I haven’t hidden the thread and definitely don’t need to be told to not read certain posts 😂

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a great day. Thanks for all the birthday wishes. No relationship advice needed, although most posts are well meaning and I accept people are trying to help. Some posters understand my thought process and situation fully and others are way off the mark, but I know you all posted with good intention, so thank you.

Major life events shape us and our future. If they dominate our lives, they do need addressing, but if they make us wiser and more aware, that’s absolutely a positive imo.

OP posts:
Spyral · 12/07/2023 15:58

If I was made wiser and more aware because of my DH having an affair, it would be that I was more aware that he (that specific person) had it in him to betray me.

Original poster
MaybeAgain2023 · 12/07/2023 16:11

If?
Would?
That doesn’t sound like the voice of experience @Spyral

Thank you for sharing how you think you may respond if you had ever been in my situation

OP posts:
Spyral · 12/07/2023 16:30

Wrong conclusion @MaybeAgain2023, because you've interpreted it how you want to.

I don't have to just 'think' how I 'may' respond in your situation. I would have the knowledge that my DH had it in him to betray me, from the fact that he did.

Spyral · 12/07/2023 16:40

@MaybeAgain2023 you know that too, which is why you reacted as you did to your discovery.

Emma Thompson didn't question, she expected to receive the necklace. It was only when she didn't that the penny dropped and she realised the gift was for someone else. You saw a gift had been purchased and it immediately awakened the knowledge in you that he could be doing now what he has already shown to be capable of before.

Original poster
MaybeAgain2023 · 12/07/2023 16:55

Apologies for a misleading thread title @Spyral

”I would have the knowledge that my DH had it in him to betray me, from the fact that he did”

Yep.

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 12/07/2023 16:59

Well OP, if turns out that you only average one painful twinge from the old "injury" every 9 years, I don't think you need intensive therapy, unless you want to.

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