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Original poster

Possible Emma Thompson Moment

337 replies

MaybeAgain2023 · 06/07/2023 22:33

It’s my birthday next week

9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years.

OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed.

I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance.

Feeling nervous

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 07/07/2023 09:20

Affairs are the gift that keeps on giving, especially when you are the one being cheated on. You can never go back to trusting him completely, his cheating is the cause of that and you shouldn’t apologise or justify why you have been triggered.

Bbq1 · 07/07/2023 09:23

What's an Emma Thompson moment?

Toothiepegg · 07/07/2023 09:24

Bbq1 · 07/07/2023 09:23

What's an Emma Thompson moment?

Love Actually

clpsmum · 07/07/2023 09:26

Bbq1 · 07/07/2023 09:23

What's an Emma Thompson moment?

Read the post

Bbq1 · 07/07/2023 09:28

Toothiepegg · 07/07/2023 09:24

Love Actually

Show quote history

Oh, right, thanks. I hated Love Actually and couldn't even finish watching it to the end so that explains it.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/07/2023 09:30

I agree OP, that however much you might work on a relationship, rebuild trust, find peace and happiness, you can never undo things that have happened and be the person you were before. I think acceptance of that is fine, we are all the sum of our experiences. I had a different, traumatic experience a few years ago, and it has affected how I feel about the possibility of bad things happening. Of course that possibility was always there, it is just that now I carry more awareness of this. Anyone’s trusted partner, mine included, might have an affair. Your awareness of that possibility is heightened because it has happened before.
I very much hope that this gift is for you.

BubblestarUK · 07/07/2023 09:33

Hoping it’s definitely a lovely gift for you op x

Dumbphone · 07/07/2023 09:38

I feel for you, you must be in agony and trying to hide it from the person you’re supposed to be able to share everything with.

your husband really betrayed you, deep down I fear I would never truly forgive that level of betrayal, you are very strong to have got where you are today.

I too hope you get a gift from from him from that shop. I also think it’s worth wondering whether this distress you’re feeling as a one off is worth living through for your relationship, as it may happen again in future. I can imagine it is, but it’s worth really wrangling with that in your own mind so you can feel confident whatever the outcome next week.

Catastrophejane · 07/07/2023 09:41

hope you have lovely birthday OP.

I know how horrible this is, but it’s always best to know the truth.

Shapemyeyebrows · 07/07/2023 09:45

I think you are doing the right thing, be aware and just wait and see. Hopefully you will get an extra gift and it will be for you. It’s unlikely it would be for the OW if there’s zero signs of him being in contact with her and him suddenly buying her a £200 gift.

JarOfRocks · 07/07/2023 09:48

I feel it's unlikely he'd choose something from a woman's clothing shop to gift to an OW on a milestone birthday. Jewellery or something, perhaps. So hoping it's for you, OP.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 09:48

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Why don’t you just ask him?
why would you wait around and worry about it for a week or more?

hey DP, I saw this purchase from X shop - something for my birthday?!

you will either find out it’s not for you or ‘ruin’ a surprise which has been ruined anyway by this wondering

honestly I don’t know why couples don’t just talk to each other.

But you wouldn’t do this in a regular (non-affair) relationship….?

You’d ruin the surprise!

I’d never - well, I have never asked DH about purchases on the account that are obviously for my birthday, but it would spoil his effort and the surprise?! Confused

EvelynKatie · 07/07/2023 09:50

This is why it's never truly possible to recover from an affair, there will always be things like this.

Hope it works out OK for you OP, and that you have a nice birthday.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/07/2023 09:50

That scene from Love Actually is devastating. I very much hope that the gift is for you.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 09:53

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Why don’t you just ask him?
why would you wait around and worry about it for a week or more?

hey DP, I saw this purchase from X shop - something for my birthday?!

you will either find out it’s not for you or ‘ruin’ a surprise which has been ruined anyway by this wondering

honestly I don’t know why couples don’t just talk to each other.

And besides, you honestly think he’s going to say, ‘it’s for the OW’….?!?

Asking him isn’t going reveal anything - it’s just going to definitely foil any way of the DH giving himself enough rope to hang himself (if it’s not for the OP).

IncognitoMam · 07/07/2023 09:54

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 09:53

And besides, you honestly think he’s going to say, ‘it’s for the OW’….?!?

Asking him isn’t going reveal anything - it’s just going to definitely foil any way of the DH giving himself enough rope to hang himself (if it’s not for the OP).

Show quote history

Exactly! Op should wait.

truthhurts23 · 07/07/2023 09:58

Wait until your birthday to see if he gives it to you ,
can you get into his email to see the receipt for the purchase, then you can see what type of clothes he bought

has he ever bought you clothes before?

gettingthethrow · 07/07/2023 09:58

I hope the purchase is for you @MaybeAgain2023 but if it isn't, have you thought about a contingency plan if you confront him? What if he says that he had bought this thing but changed his mind and returned it, for instance?

BlackFlyChardonnay · 07/07/2023 10:04

Hmmm. Hopefully it's an extra surprise gift for you, but I guess your spidey senses could be tingling for good reason. Is paying via PayPal unusual for him?

I've been in your shoes. You think you'd spot the signs of another affair because you've lived through it once, but the truth is that you still doubt your instincts because you find it hard to not let his past affair colour your judgement of his current behaviour.

Frogmila · 07/07/2023 10:05

Take a screenshot of the receipt and then try to put it to the back of your mind and manage your anxiety as best you can.

I understand that you can never feel fully certain after what happened but on the balance of probability- it's been nearly a decade and you've had no suspicions since the affair came to light.

It's so unjust you should have this anxious week but hopefully he realises how lucky he is to get a second chance and this will be an extra gift for you.

PP saying raise this with DH. What do you think he will say? Does this necessarily make it true? Don't you think better to sit tight, let this unfold either way and know for sure?

hollyandtheivy123 · 07/07/2023 10:10

This sounds so stressful OP, I hope you're ok. I would also feel the same. I really hope it's a lovely surprise for you.

TheresBoozeInTheBlender · 07/07/2023 10:11

"You’re so right, very naive. It’s much better to sit around and wait to see what happens rather than have a bit of control over your own life."

Haha, yes cause if it's for another woman he's just going to throw his hands up and say yep, you got me 🤔🤣

He'd run straight out and buy another one for his wife who just, very naively, took your advice and gave the game away. Control my arse. You wait it out OP. Good luck x

OneLittleFinger · 07/07/2023 10:11

I'd be tempted to get all excited when about to open your presents and say you can't wait to see what he's got you from X shop as you've never bought anything from there but have always wanted to. Watch him squirm.

3luckystars · 07/07/2023 10:13

I really hope it works out for you. All the very best.

gettingthethrow · 07/07/2023 10:13

When people say 'just ask him/her' in these situations, I find that baffling.

The essence of infidelity is deception. Asking this direct question guarantees a fail/fail outcome. If they aren't cheating, and you ask, you'll get a true answer, but the repercussions of asking that question of an innocent party might have serious consequences. If they are cheating, because infidelity is based on deception, you're extremely unlikely to get an immediate admission anyway.

It's a pointless question. In the case of suspected infidelity, the only sensible course of action is to be vigilant and investigate quietly.