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Original poster

Possible Emma Thompson Moment

337 replies

MaybeAgain2023 · 06/07/2023 22:33

It’s my birthday next week

9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years.

OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed.

I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance.

Feeling nervous

OP posts:
dartsofcupid · 07/07/2023 06:21

Hmmm, it does sound a bit track-covery, but then again, nine years, it’s an age. I truly hope the gift turns up for you.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/07/2023 06:23

I’m sorry you’re having to live like this OP, my ex had an affair and I stayed for 7 years believing things were good. The problem is when something that could be nothing happens, it all comes crashing down because the new ‘trust’ is on such poor foundations. It’s an awful way to live.

Original poster
MaybeAgain2023 · 07/07/2023 06:24

I’m going to put it to the back of my mind but will come back to update.

Thank you again. I have read every reply.
Yes he is very generous and often surprises me with birthday gifts.

To those saying about living with this level of mistrust and similar. I don’t really, and we’re genuinely happy. When someone you love and trust has an affair, it fundamentally changes you. It’s that feeling that the rug has been pulled from under you, you doubt your own judgement, wonder how you missed the signs. So me spotting this transaction, is part of my own personal defence mechanism. It’s nothing to do with him or a reflection on our relationship now, it’s entirely about me and tbh, will never go away.

Major events in our lives change us and that’s not a bad thing so long as it’s manageable. Checking his phone, regularly scouring accounts and rummaging through cupboards is not managing it, so I won’t.

Being aware is just how I am now, and I would be, whether I was still with him or had moved on.

OP posts:
erikbloodaxe · 07/07/2023 06:27

Fingers crossed you have a lovely birthday Op.

Original poster
MaybeAgain2023 · 07/07/2023 06:28

I also do not need to get my ducks in a row. There would be no screaming or upset like before, I would deal with it calmly and when I was ready.

My ducks are pretty well aligned anyway.
We have no debt and I have my own personal savings.

OP posts:
Poorbilliejean · 07/07/2023 06:29

Just a thought. He could have used PayPal because it’s a surprise for you and he didn’t want you to see it on the statement so thought PayPal would disguise the shop.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/07/2023 06:32

I hope you have a lovely birthday and get a lovely gift!

Zanatdy · 07/07/2023 06:39

I think anyone could understand your worry about this, I really hope we will be reading an update next week to say that the gift was for you. What a horrible week waiting.

hopeishere · 07/07/2023 06:53

I hope it's something lovely for you!

LulooLemon · 07/07/2023 07:01

Hope it's good news OP

SilverstoneF1 · 07/07/2023 07:10

I really hope it's for you too Flowers

crew2022 · 07/07/2023 07:17

I hope it's good news

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 07:22

Oh OP, that is hard.

You sound very sensible.

Of course infidelity changes you irrevocably, how could it not.

Trust is so delicate, when it's broken it can never be fully rebuilt.

I love the broken crockery analogy.
You can of course carefully glue the pieces back together, but tiny cracks will always remain.

I really hope the gift is for you.

I'm not a cryer but that scene gave me a palpable pain in my chest in what was a mildly annoying cringe film.

Candleabra · 07/07/2023 07:24

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 06/07/2023 23:52

You don't trust him. It's X many years later and this is your reaction to a purchase you're unsure about.

I'm not sure it matters if it's for you or not, surely this isn't a relationship you want to stay in?

I agree with this. What a horrible situation for you.

BigButtons · 07/07/2023 07:28

I hope it turns out to be a gift for you @MaybeAgain2023 . I would hate to be in a relationship where you are having to be on your guard like this.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/07/2023 07:36

Being dim what has this to do with Emma T?
Is this what her first husband KB did? Buy something for the OW?

Rosietheravisher · 07/07/2023 07:36

MaybeAgain2023 · 07/07/2023 06:24

I’m going to put it to the back of my mind but will come back to update.

Thank you again. I have read every reply.
Yes he is very generous and often surprises me with birthday gifts.

To those saying about living with this level of mistrust and similar. I don’t really, and we’re genuinely happy. When someone you love and trust has an affair, it fundamentally changes you. It’s that feeling that the rug has been pulled from under you, you doubt your own judgement, wonder how you missed the signs. So me spotting this transaction, is part of my own personal defence mechanism. It’s nothing to do with him or a reflection on our relationship now, it’s entirely about me and tbh, will never go away.

Major events in our lives change us and that’s not a bad thing so long as it’s manageable. Checking his phone, regularly scouring accounts and rummaging through cupboards is not managing it, so I won’t.

Being aware is just how I am now, and I would be, whether I was still with him or had moved on.

With due respect, I detect a touch of denial here. You say it is awareness and not mistrust, but what is it that you are now aware of? It might just be a question of semantics, of course. You say the affair changed you. Do you mean that it changed your experience of the relationship? It is interesting that you remember the ow’s birthday. Perhaps she was someone you knew or perhaps you have an acute memory for dates? I suppose you remember because you have experienced this scenario of him buying her presents before. It sounds a horrible thing to have gone through.

I wonder if you are as happy as you say you are because your switching so quickly into Miss Marple suggests otherwise. And whatever you tell yourself the mistrust is there just under the surface. I think you deserve better but only you can determine how to go about achieving that.

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/07/2023 07:37

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/07/2023 07:36

Being dim what has this to do with Emma T?
Is this what her first husband KB did? Buy something for the OW?

It's a reference to Emma T's role in the film Love Actually.

Toothiepegg · 07/07/2023 07:37

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/07/2023 07:36

Being dim what has this to do with Emma T?
Is this what her first husband KB did? Buy something for the OW?

It's from the film Love Actually.

SiblingFights · 07/07/2023 07:37

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 07:22

Oh OP, that is hard.

You sound very sensible.

Of course infidelity changes you irrevocably, how could it not.

Trust is so delicate, when it's broken it can never be fully rebuilt.

I love the broken crockery analogy.
You can of course carefully glue the pieces back together, but tiny cracks will always remain.

I really hope the gift is for you.

I'm not a cryer but that scene gave me a palpable pain in my chest in what was a mildly annoying cringe film.

Totally agree with this.

FlowersFlowersFlowers for you OP

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 07/07/2023 07:43

What a sad thread. I hope the gift is for you but if it's not, I hope you have the strength to do what you need to do.

Screamingabdabz · 07/07/2023 07:44

🤞🏼

Gateappreciation · 07/07/2023 07:46

Hoping there’s an innocent (and nice) reason for the purchase.

Wonder when the writers (Richard Curtis?) and Emma Thompson filmed that scene, they realised how it would go down in history as a defining film moment.

StopStartStop · 07/07/2023 07:47

Currently, I'm very angry on your behalf. Do let us all know how this turns out. Do the records you've seen indicate what the purchase was?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/07/2023 07:51

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/07/2023 07:36

Being dim what has this to do with Emma T?
Is this what her first husband KB did? Buy something for the OW?

Thank you for asking that!