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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partners debts ruining me..

174 replies

brendasays · 05/07/2023 06:51

My partner of two years moved in with me 6 months ago.
6 months ago letters started arriving
He told me he had debts
I told him to start offering payment plans
Yesterday the ballifs turned up for unpaid council tax when I was out
I obviously was really upset
As soon as he got home I told him to ring them and set up a payment plan.
Last night I couldn't sleep and was tossing and turning.
I told him I was worried sick
He got really angry ,he's told me he's not coming home tonight and he's staying in a hotel away from me.
He said the worst thing he did was move in with me and he's thinking of going back down south for a few weeks.

What have I done wrong?
Is he just going to leave me to deal with this?
Why is he angry at me?
He's left for work and I don't think he's coming back

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 05/07/2023 11:06

Not for the first time, I really really wish that Mumsnet had been around years ago when I was unlucky enough to have a similar bloke in my life. You lot are amazing. Good luck OP

Fannieannie63 · 05/07/2023 11:10

You haven’t done anything wrong! He thought by moving in with you either A) he wouldn’t be found or B) you’d pay off his debts because you loved him so much. Either way he is using you. Get rid now and move on it’s only going to get worse. And yes this happened to me but I stayed sadly lost a whole chunk of my life xxx let him go

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2023 11:32

brendasays · 05/07/2023 09:41

He moved in with nothing but clothes
The rest were at his flat that the landlord locked him out of
I'm not ignoring -it's just hard to read that's all
Stupid as I am-I love him
I just want him to sort his life out
I don't understand how he's got into such a mess

What he does with his life must not be your concern.

Think about it, he's lied to you.

Text him that he is not coming back to live with you.
Don't let him back. Bag up his stuff and leave it outside in a shed.

Change the barrel in the lock so he can't get in.

ThreadExterminator · 05/07/2023 11:33

You can't trust him.

His big reaction to what this council tax debt, despite having an income which should be able to just pay it off easy, suggests to me that this is the tip of the iceberg.

Never let someone put your address down as theirs.

My home is my secure place. It's my financial security and my place where I know I'm ok. I will never move a man in here, no matter how brilliant I think the relationship is.

1037370E · 05/07/2023 11:42

Good. It sounds like moving in with you was the worst thing he could have done, for both of you - unfortunately you are the only one who can't see that. Do not let him screw up your life, finances or credit. He moves out, continue dating him if you must (although I honestly can't see why you would want to), but keep your finances and responsibilities separate. He's either angry with himself and taking it out on you - it's called projecting. Or he's angry at you for holding him accountable (somewhat). It doesn't really matter why he's angry. I'm wondering why you're not?

Splishsploshsplash · 05/07/2023 11:55

You should be celebrating him leaving. Change the locks.

HarrisJu · 05/07/2023 12:41

Register for alerts with land registry to protect your property from fraud.

JFDIYOLO · 05/07/2023 12:52

You have done nothing wrong.

He will never change.

He used you and hopes to carry on using you.

This is where you'll need all your strength and you have the Mumsnet army around you supporting you.

Change the locks - have you done it yet? Job for today.

Tell council tax people he has moved out.

Send him a formal email saying the realtionship is over and you will not be engaging with him other than for him to collect his stuff.

Don't be alone then - Do you have friends / family who could come and stay for moral support?

Do not let bailiffs in. You do not have to.

Block him on all social media & phone.

Do not engage with attempts to contact.

Get a Ring doorbell so you can screen visitors.

All best.

Newestname002 · 05/07/2023 12:59

Thankyou I'm gonna change my locks and tell him it's over unless he can sort his life out and even then I'm not sure I would want it. I just want a happy stress free life.

@brendasays

I hope you're feeling even a little bit less panicked after all the good advice you've received, even though I'm sure you're still shocked. I also hope you've secured your home so he can't get in - that you've not gone to work until that's done. If you have an internal chain on your front door ensure you use it every time you open the door. Do you have a Ring security doorbell? Maybe you can consider installing one. Check with your landlord if you can install one (or check your lease) and also advise them he's no longer living at your address, in case he approaches them.

Do not rely on him returning your original keys - it's so easy to copy most keys.

If you can also put his stuff outside in boxes or bin liners - it doesn't sound as though he had much. Message him, as others have said, to come and pick them up ASAP and that it's his responsibility to do so. You will not deliver them anywhere. Give him an end date for collection.

Ensure you screenshot any message he sends you in case you need an audit trail to show the bailiffs, etc.

Absolutely you should consider this relationship over, whatever he says, including him trying to get back in by saying he'll sort his life out. This man has brought serious trouble to your door and I cannot see how you could ever trust him again. Without trust and respect in a relationship you have nothing worth saving.

I'm sure you will be fine - talk to friends in real life as well as here for support.

There are times when loving someone is not enough - this is one of them. But your main focus is absolutely 100% protecting yourself and your future, which does not include him.

I'm sure that another time you won't let someone railroad you in doing something you're not happy about - including moving into your private space. Good luck and strength to you OP. 🌹

PlatBilledDuckypuss · 05/07/2023 13:01

brendasays · 05/07/2023 06:57

I don't understand the booking a hotel away from me ,I'm not the enemy
I've done nothing wrong
I don't understand it

He's doing you a massive favour OP (altho' he probably doesn't realise it). Get his stuff into bags on the front step and change the locks. Get rid of this loser.

ErickBroch · 05/07/2023 13:04

HE is calling a bluff about leaving, but let him go!! This man sounds awful. Bailiffs can come into your house and take YOUR possessions unless you have receipts proving you paid for them. Get rid of him asap.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 13:10

He's booking the hotel so he's not there when the bailiffs arrive.

BevCallardsMerkin · 05/07/2023 13:14

@NeverDropYourMooncup That's 100% what my ex would say.

brendasays · 05/07/2023 13:18

I'm feeling a bit better now
Had a sit down with my dad (he's in his 70s) and is the voice of reason
Basically he told me to stop worrying and do practical things and when I'm feeling worried remember it's not my debt.
Told me to ring them and tell them it's my partners etc and he doesn't live with me

OP posts:
brendasays · 05/07/2023 13:19

I didn't end up going into work today as my head was a bit all over the shop

OP posts:
BattleofBeamfleot · 05/07/2023 15:34

brendasays · 05/07/2023 13:18

I'm feeling a bit better now
Had a sit down with my dad (he's in his 70s) and is the voice of reason
Basically he told me to stop worrying and do practical things and when I'm feeling worried remember it's not my debt.
Told me to ring them and tell them it's my partners etc and he doesn't live with me

Definitely listen to your dad. It's easy to get panicked when it's something unexpected and the problem has come to you out of the blue, but you've done nothing wrong. You'll be ok.

The only thing I'd say is to take this as a learning opportunity- your boundaries haven't been as firmly established as they could be and it's left you vulnerable to a chancer. You'll know from now that you should trust your instincts and not let someone move in if you're not ready for that.

Maray1967 · 05/07/2023 15:41

Tombero · 05/07/2023 08:31

Finish with him and get any of his stuff boxed up and gone.

Inform anyone you can he’s gone, i.e. council tax, landlord.

Check your credit score in case he’s managed to impact it already.

And HMRC - make sure it is reported to them that he does not live there now.
Basically get rid of him as he’s a disaster. He wormed his way in - now he’s flounced off make sure he stays out. You do not want him in your flat in case bailiffs turn up and he hands over your stuff - if he has a key, change the lock.

HabberdasheryAddict · 05/07/2023 16:36

brendasays · 05/07/2023 13:19

I didn't end up going into work today as my head was a bit all over the shop

Have you changed the locks?

BCBird · 05/07/2023 16:48

I was with someone who had loads of unpaid debts. We didn't live together. He told me once if anyone knocked his door when I was at his house alone, I needed to look out the window and not answer the door. He had no intention of making arrangements to pay the creditors back. Fast fwd 2 years, I've taken out a loan in my name for his central heating, bought him.expensive mattresses and he probably owes me 3grand. I loved him. He loved my purse till he realised it was not bottomless then skipped the country and all his responsibilities. Be very very careful. Never repeated that mistake again.

lemoncurd1995 · 19/07/2023 16:23

He will go bankrupt? That's all.

lemoncurd1995 · 19/07/2023 16:24

Sorry that was meant to be in reply to 'what will happen to him if he doesn't pay'.

NewForest111 · 19/07/2023 16:27

I would be very careful in your situation as your address is linked to your credit history, you don’t want this to affect you as well.

HayleyDD73 · 05/09/2023 02:42

What a selfish c*! * And he is gas-lighting you to think that it's your fault for questioning him. And you have every right to question him.

Secondly, is your house in just your name? If so, good - bailiffs cannot be allowed in for his debts. Talk to them through the letterbox and say that he no longer lives there, they are his debts and not yours. You could also say that if they don't leave you alone, you will involve the Police to move them on and instigate legal proceedings.

As for the creep whose debts they are, he really isn't worth worrying about - let him go back down South and good riddance to him. You say he got angry with you for suggesting he rings them up and offer a payment plan: he is irresponsible,selfish and downright stupid. Do you know how much he owes and why he got in such a state?

It sounds to me like he wracks up debts everywhere he goes in the hope that his new partner, i.e. you, will bail him out. He is a total liability. Tell him to go to a hotel and not to come back until he sorts himself out. If he throws a hissy fit over you standing your ground, then he really isn't the right person for you. He is a total c***. Sorry, but he is.

Ask yourself this: are you willing to bail him out for him to wrack up more debt afterwards? Are you also aware that any future debt that he may wrack up could have your name on it also - just don't go there with somebody like that.

HayleyDD73 · 05/09/2023 02:49

Strictly speaking, they cannot unless the owner opens the door to them and allows them to step in. The owner needs to speak to them through the letterbox if they do turn up or, better still, ring their office and explain that person no longer lives there, they are his sole debts, and to go to his workplace.

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