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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners debts ruining me..

174 replies

brendasays · 05/07/2023 06:51

My partner of two years moved in with me 6 months ago.
6 months ago letters started arriving
He told me he had debts
I told him to start offering payment plans
Yesterday the ballifs turned up for unpaid council tax when I was out
I obviously was really upset
As soon as he got home I told him to ring them and set up a payment plan.
Last night I couldn't sleep and was tossing and turning.
I told him I was worried sick
He got really angry ,he's told me he's not coming home tonight and he's staying in a hotel away from me.
He said the worst thing he did was move in with me and he's thinking of going back down south for a few weeks.

What have I done wrong?
Is he just going to leave me to deal with this?
Why is he angry at me?
He's left for work and I don't think he's coming back

OP posts:

GinnyMcGinny · 05/07/2023 08:32

They will tell you they can to scare you into paying on his behalf but you absolutely don’t need to let them in.

They will say unless you can prove ownership of every item with a receipt they are free to take it but this is not true.

LIZS · 05/07/2023 08:34

If bailiffs are coming it means it has gone through court and he has a ccj. He would have had his chance to pay, counter the evidence or set up a payment plan then but ignored it. It is his mess to sort out, not yours. The court may accept a payment plan but he may already have defaulted. Doubt it is just poor admin more likely he didn't pay at the time and hoped they would not track him down. Pack his stuff and let him go.

JFDIYOLO · 05/07/2023 08:35

Do. Not. Take. Him. Back.

He and his debts will be a millstone round your neck, a weight constantly dragging you down. Bailiffs at your door? Sleepless nights?

Paying his debts for him and giving him handouts next - This will be your life from now on if you take him back.

Change the lock, pack his stuff up.

There are four billion men on the planet. This was a wrong 'un.

(And how is he paying for this hotel?)

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2023 08:35

He sounds like a complete liability; change the locks and don’t let him come back to your home

LIZS · 05/07/2023 08:36

They can only take his stuff and that is usually a last resort. Have receipts handy for any electrical goods, car etc. You can genuinely say he is no longer there and give his hotel or work address.

JFDIYOLO · 05/07/2023 08:40

He moved in on you when he was 'homeless' (probably had not paid rent).

Played on your kindness and willingness to help.

You were never up for it yet ... somehow ... It just happened. There he was. And then the bailiffs came.

This is his pattern, his way. He's an agent of chaos and it will break you because he'll never change.

Has he started the threats to self harm yet?

The best thing you can do for your own wellbeing, peace of mind, credit rating, safety etc is to change the lock.

Deathraystare · 05/07/2023 08:41

What have I done wrong?
Is he just going to leave me to deal with this?

Yep. You were a convenient other address Now you will get all his mail and unwelcome visits by debt collects.

GoodChat · 05/07/2023 08:43

brendasays · 05/07/2023 08:21

Can they really take my things if the tenancy etc is in my name and all bills in my name?

If they've got evidence he lives at your address you'll have to prove anything of value is yours and not his.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 05/07/2023 08:44

Has he been paying his way while living with you?

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 05/07/2023 08:45

brendasays · 05/07/2023 08:16

I was never up for him moving in in the first place
He said at first it was temporary whilst waiting on the housing list -he got evicted (so he said ) from his last flat because he's landlord was awful
Now I'm wondering if he didn't pay any rent
I was quite happy living separately
Obviously when he was homeless I let him stay
It was never meant to be permanent

My plans were always save for a deposit for a house whilst renting here and hopefully saving

Good Lord, he really saw you coming didn't he?

Nobody falls in love as quick and hard as a man with nowhere to live.

He's bullied you into letting him move in. He's in debt up to his eyeballs. It's not "just" council tax, it's likely rent and utilities.... THATS why he was evicted. You need to charge you locks and absolutely let him go down south and stay there. He's a total free loading cocklodger and will just look for another naive woman to love bomb and bring down.

And yes the bailiffs can take stuff from your house as you have openly admitted he lives there as a lodger. Pack up his stuff and GET RID!

MammaTo · 05/07/2023 08:53

This man is walking all over you.

Get his stuff boxed/bagged up immediately and get him gone - you need to take this seriously.

You seem like a nice person and I can see down the line he’s going to manipulate you into starting to pay his debts etc, but please don’t! This is not your problem to solve - remove him as a lodger with the council tax and be done with him.

LAMPS1 · 05/07/2023 08:58

It seems you have been forced to wise up very quickly this morning OP.
Please pay serious attention to the advice given here and realise this man is really not for you. He will drain your savings and your hopes for a good future with it if you let him back into your life. He will also rob your self-esteem.
You did nothing to provoke him at all. It wasn’t a genuine relationship ….he was using you OP. And will come back to do so again. Ruthlessly next time as he becomes more desperate. Don’t fall for his sob stories any more. You are better than that.
You need to cut your emotional attachment to him once and for all, right now, in order to protect yourself from him using you ever again. And take all practical steps to protect your savings, income, home and reputation.

Yea2023 · 05/07/2023 09:07

I don’t understand why you are questioning all of this, his actions are enough to put him in the bin.

Sounds like you’re worrying about bailiff’s and whatnot while he has skipped to a hotel for you to deal with his mess (assuming that true of course).

let him go before it gets worse.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 09:09

@Quiverer - they can take anything the OP can't prove is hers, not his.

MooMooSharoo · 05/07/2023 09:13

Meeting · 05/07/2023 08:32

They can't take anything that you can prove your own.
Do you really want to go through the stress of having a bailiff turn up to your doorstep and frantically trying to find a receipt for a TV you bought 5 years ago?

Show quote history

This. Tell him to move out permanently then tell any bailiffs that knock on the door that he doesn't live there, isn't on the tenancy, and everything in the house was bought by you.

Remove him from your Council Tax and get your 25% discount back as further proof that you live alone.

You've done nothing wrong other than be too nice to someone. He's acting like he is out of shame and embarrassment about being found out.

Original poster

brendasays · 05/07/2023 09:18

Thanks everyone for all your help and advice
I think I am stupid
I've never had debt at all
So this was a big shock
I've got a nice little house and I don't want to be scared to leave it

How many times can ballifs come ?
I'm just leaving for work in a minute and scared to open my door

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/07/2023 09:18

Please do not let the bailiffs in @brendasays . If necessary, meet them outside with the tenancy agreement. Once they have access, you potentially have more of a problem I understand. Take advice from the CAB or any legal insurance you may have on your flat/house contents insurance.

LIZS · 05/07/2023 09:20

And even if this turned out be a genuine error or oversight, he clearly has a very different sense of financial responsibility to yours.

IncompleteSenten · 05/07/2023 09:20

His debts are not your problem to solve.
Don't take responsibility for them in any way.

He's a grown man who got himself into this situation and he's burying his head in the sand instead of dealing with it.

It would be best if he did move out.

And for god's sake don't tell him you'll help him clear them!

Backstreets · 05/07/2023 09:23

Get to work, research what you need to do to get his paperwork untangled from yours, start on it. If they come back tell them loudly he doesn’t live here anymore and good riddance, try the travelodge!
You can’t live in fear and you can’t allow this loser to ruin your financial stability.

yousaythatbut · 05/07/2023 09:40

OP, you're ignoring most comments on here! He's using you, he's a cocklodger, you should kick him out permanently (where's all his stuff?), it won't get better if he comes back and charms you into subsidising him. Wake up!!

Original poster

brendasays · 05/07/2023 09:41

He moved in with nothing but clothes
The rest were at his flat that the landlord locked him out of
I'm not ignoring -it's just hard to read that's all
Stupid as I am-I love him
I just want him to sort his life out
I don't understand how he's got into such a mess

OP posts:

Theos · 05/07/2023 09:42

Narrator : he never sorted his life out.

LIZS · 05/07/2023 09:43

brendasays · 05/07/2023 09:41

He is making you feel insecure in your home, your love is not reciprocated he is using you.

MariaVT65 · 05/07/2023 09:45

Change the locks before he comes back. If he can afford a hotel for a night, he can afford it for a few more. I can’t see any other way out of this for you that’s positive.

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