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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners debts ruining me..

174 replies

brendasays · 05/07/2023 06:51

My partner of two years moved in with me 6 months ago.
6 months ago letters started arriving
He told me he had debts
I told him to start offering payment plans
Yesterday the ballifs turned up for unpaid council tax when I was out
I obviously was really upset
As soon as he got home I told him to ring them and set up a payment plan.
Last night I couldn't sleep and was tossing and turning.
I told him I was worried sick
He got really angry ,he's told me he's not coming home tonight and he's staying in a hotel away from me.
He said the worst thing he did was move in with me and he's thinking of going back down south for a few weeks.

What have I done wrong?
Is he just going to leave me to deal with this?
Why is he angry at me?
He's left for work and I don't think he's coming back

OP posts:
Quiverer · 05/07/2023 07:30

Is he just going to leave me to deal with this?

You don't have to deal with it. If any more bailiffs turn up, tell him he doesn't live there, and if he leaves a forwarding address, tell them where they can find him.

But it may be a good idea to get new credit and debit cards in case he's been using yours. Check your statements.

Quiverer · 05/07/2023 07:32

brendasays · 05/07/2023 07:03

What will happen to him if he doesn't pay them?

His credit will be shot, the bailiffs will carry on coming after him, there will be court judgements against him, ultimately he may be made bankrupt. Don't let yourself be dragged down with him.

MasterOfOne · 05/07/2023 07:32

Oh also agree with other posters... check your credit reports - use a free service and keep an eye on it!

Mama678 · 05/07/2023 07:32

Send all letters back with “not at this address” written on. Pack up his stuff and tell him to collect. He’s clearly happy to rack up debts but not happy to sort them out. Burying his head. Why should you have to deal with it?

tribpot · 05/07/2023 07:32

I don't understand the booking a hotel away from me ,I'm not the enemy
I've done nothing wrong
I don't understand it

What he wants is for you to feel like you've done something wrong. So that when he 'graciously' returns and offers to give you 'another chance', you lap it up.

He promises to change, sort out debt repayment plans, and you go a few more times round the merry-go-round before you realise it won't happen.

Get him out, full credit check, and take advice about how to convince the bailiffs he's no longer living with you.

Original poster
brendasays · 05/07/2023 07:33

I have got a copy of my tenancy /utility to show if anyone turns up
Can he go to jail for this?
He works full time,why haven't they taken money from his wages?

OP posts:
Gateappreciation · 05/07/2023 07:37

Sorry, he’s not a keeper. His money management skills are poor, and he’s not prepared to confront the issue. Fair enough to get upset when talking about them, but having a hissy fit and running away (who’s paying for hotel?) is immature. As others have said, he thought he was avoiding them by moving in with you.

100yellowroses · 05/07/2023 07:38

He either sits down with you and shows you all his debts, their payment plans or he buggers off and leaves and you redirect the bailiffs to his new address.

do not have children with him and do not marry him without a track record of zero debt

barbarahunter · 05/07/2023 07:39

Stop worrying about the loser and be glad he has gone. As everyone else is saying, don't let him back, get rid. Trust me, he will drag you down with him if you let him.

Gateappreciation · 05/07/2023 07:39

I don’t think they can money directly from his wages.

I think they will start seizing goods before jail.

Don’t try and bail him out. His debts aren’t your problem to fix. If it’s got to the bailiff stage, then he’s had several opportunities to pay them before now, and ignored them.

I wonder what other debts he’s hiding as well?

Hibiscrubbed · 05/07/2023 07:45

Ugh, let him go. He’s angry at you because he’s been happily ignoring his responsibilities and now you’re aware of them he’s angry and probably embarrassed.

But his behaviour is horrible. So take control and ask him to get the fuck out.

He’s irresponsible with money, in a ton of debt, and likely that won’t improve with the way he’s reacting to it. Do not entangle your life with his, do not chase him now begging to know what you’ve done ‘wrong’ (nothing), just end it.

barbarahunter · 05/07/2023 07:45

Is there any clear reason why he's in debt. When I had one like this, it was gambling addiction. You're never going to win having a relationship with an addict.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/07/2023 07:46

Don't let him drag you into his mess. He is obviously unable to take responsibility for his own actions and was hoping you would bail him out. Let him go. It will only get worse if you remain with him.

J8231 · 05/07/2023 07:46

tribpot · 05/07/2023 07:32

I don't understand the booking a hotel away from me ,I'm not the enemy
I've done nothing wrong
I don't understand it

What he wants is for you to feel like you've done something wrong. So that when he 'graciously' returns and offers to give you 'another chance', you lap it up.

He promises to change, sort out debt repayment plans, and you go a few more times round the merry-go-round before you realise it won't happen.

Get him out, full credit check, and take advice about how to convince the bailiffs he's no longer living with you.

What @tribpot Said.. been there done that. With kids involved too. its a horrible situation to be in... he is gone now and I'm still trying to repair the damage he caused. Do yourself a favour and get out now... I wish I did... I wish I posted on here and got my eye opened before it was too late..

Mbop · 05/07/2023 07:46

He's ran away from down south to escape them and they've caught up with him. He's obviously used you to escape and as a meal ticket. Dump and run.

Theos · 05/07/2023 07:50

Op. You sound a bit naive

Bananalanacake · 05/07/2023 07:53

This is why I tell them no moving in until we've been together at least 5 years. You can have a relationship without living together you know. Bet it was his idea to move in so he could sponge off you.

Blobblobblob · 05/07/2023 07:55

There's a very real risk that he's fraudulently taken out more debt in your name. If he's had access to your personal paperwork, this would be easy. Living in your house means he's had access.

Do the credit check now, and make sure. You will need to report to the police if you find any fraud, or else you will have to pay it.

Original poster
brendasays · 05/07/2023 07:58

I think what it is he left a property
And didn't inform council tax so that's why he owes this.
I told him tell them you will pay £500 a month for two months then the final £250
Are they likely to accept payment plan ?
He gets £1,700 a month he can just pay it end of the month if not

OP posts:
Original poster
brendasays · 05/07/2023 07:58

I'm just so confused about everything

OP posts:
Sendouttheclowns · 05/07/2023 08:00

Perhaps you could make an appointment with Citizens Advice OP?

And please, please, don't let him back in !

icelolly12 · 05/07/2023 08:01

Council tax is a basic bill, if he can't pay that god knows what other debts he's run up. Leave him to his hotel.

GoodChat · 05/07/2023 08:05

Moving in with you was the worst thing he could do because it means he can no longer bury his head in the sand.

Is his name on your council tax?

Just tell him not to come back.

Panjandrum123 · 05/07/2023 08:06

Keep him out of your life, however much you care for him, it won’t end well. If he just stomps off to a hotel when you suggest he sorts things out, he’s just trying to dodge his responsibilities.

Please, do not settle the debts for him, he’ll just run up more and if your credit record becomes linked to his it will scupper any future plans you may have if you need a loan or want to move and remortgage.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/07/2023 08:07

He has known about this for 6 months. In that time he could have sorted it out and paid the outstanding bill. However he has chosen to not do this. I would suspect he has many more debts.

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