Partners debts ruining me..

[brendasays]

My partner of two years moved in with me 6 months ago.
6 months ago letters started arriving
He told me he had debts
I told him to start offering payment plans
Yesterday the ballifs turned up for unpaid council tax when I was out
I obviously was really upset
As soon as he got home I told him to ring them and set up a payment plan.
Last night I couldn't sleep and was tossing and turning.
I told him I was worried sick
He got really angry ,he's told me he's not coming home tonight and he's staying in a hotel away from me.
He said the worst thing he did was move in with me and he's thinking of going back down south for a few weeks.

What have I done wrong?
Is he just going to leave me to deal with this?
Why is he angry at me?
He's left for work and I don't think he's coming back

It’s 10am which means check out time at hotels. If i were you i’d literally get off mumsnet and call a locksmith!

You need to move your council tax status back to single occupancy and then when the bailiffs come to your door (and they will) you need to tell them every time that he lived their very temporarily, he no longer lives there and then give them whatever you know about his current location, parents address etc.. so they go looking for him somewhere else. Just expect this to continue for months, maybe years.

He hasn't got himself into such a mess, he was in a mess when you met him, so this shouldn't be too much of a surprise.
Box up his stuff and put it outside. Text him with a photo and tell him to collect it if he wants it, otherwise it's going in the bin on x day.
Change the locks, remove him from your tenancy agreement today.
Do not let baliffs in. Tell them he left on x date and you do not know where he is, and his stuff is in those boxes and they are welcome to help themselves if they would like to.

Nothing has changed OP, he's still running away, like he was when you met him. He was just passing through on his way to the next unwilling participant in the dysfunctional story of his life, and don't kid yourself you'll be The One to save him, and turn him around, he will drag you down with him if you try. Let him go and be thankful you've dodged him and you can carry on with your life.

I didn’t need to show proof to the council to reinstate my discount.

Is his name on your tenancy/mortgage?

Sorry OP this is a horrid situation and you don’t deserve it.

People like this - it’s never just one debt. He will have a string of them slowly catching up with him. And every time they do, he’ll do a flit. You won’t have been the first person he’s moved in with quickly, and unfortunately you won’t be the last. There is likely already someone else he has been cultivating for when it hit the fan.

They don’t change and they can be very aggressive when called out.

Change your locks, update your council tax (can do this online), box up whatever he has left and leave it outside (I doubt he’ll come back for it). Stand firm with the Bailiffs and don’t let them in. Any further mail “Not at this address - return to sender”. You’ve already checked your credit score but do keep an eye on it in the months to come.

You’ll be fine - don’t worry about what happens to him. His mess and he’ll drown in it eventually.

Apologies @brendasays just saw that you answered that question earlier

If your not married to him, he is not named on your property, he is not named on council tax for your address and your not named on his debts...then I don't believe you have anything to worry about and I'd say your in the clear.

You could literally tell them he does not live with you (I'm no expert though so mumsnetters are welcome to correct my advice)

Instead of wasting money on hotels, he should be putting that towards his debt.

With that 'burying his head in the sand' attitude he will drag you down. Accountability on his part is key towards him sorting his debts out.

The OP shouldn't have to save him, we aren't here to sort out dysfunctional guys. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with a functioning adult and chucking the rest of the sub-standard fish back in the river.

Eventually they may get an attachment to earnings order or he file for bankruptcy or an iva, No wonder he was homeless if he has such a poor financial history.

You've done nothing wrong. He has by lying to you. And right now it's easier for him to blame you for his failings than face up to them himself, which makes him an utter dickhead.

For him moving in temporarily whilst on the housing list: He will be bottom of the list because he's not homeless. Which means that unless you follow the advice on this thread and kick him out by changing your locks, you'll be stuck with him and the constant threat of further visits.

Change your locks first, then tell him in writing (text, email) he's no longer welcome.

There is nothing to love about someone who blames you for their own failings. You simply love him for what you think he could be. He's telling you he's not that though: listen to it.

So he was up to his eyeballs in debt in various places and has been cocklodging with you. Find your self esteem and get rid. Tell council you are now single occupier, change locks. Any bailiffs turn up tell them he is not living at your house. Block him everywhere and keep regular checks on your own credit file. And if he is in trouble for not paying debt that is not your circus.

And he is a manipulative twat - maybe abuser too judging by the way he spoke to you. Freedom Programme will deffo be worth considering. I expect he has shown a whole village fete of bunting of red flags which you have chosen to ignore. Now is the time to pay attention.

Sorry but I can’t wade through all the responses so just dropping in to say “Stop worrying!” I think many of us are telling you this.

If you need more advice to set your mind at rest, see someone at Citizens Advice or if your work place has a welfare section (HR?) go and see them. Bailiffs are not out to get you, they are out for him and only him.

You are not responsible for any of his debts so stop worrying.
He can declare himself bankrupt if he has the intelligence to do so?

Meanwhile, change your locks and box his stuff up onto the doorstep with a request to him to come & collect. Don’t engage with him.

If he only has a front door key, leave a key in that lock (or the button down so it stays locked if it’s a Yale lock) so he can’t get in and you go out/in via the back door until the locksmith can get to you.

Finally, dump him. He’s a loser. He will drag you down. He really will. Don’t ruin your future with all the worry he will bring to your life.
Good luck OP. Stay strong.

It's his debt. It's in his name for the property he lived in. However, by allowing him to move in with you (only god knows why), you have put yourself at a huge risk. Every debt he now gets under your roof, with your address as his abode, puts your credit rating at risk, your home at risk, and ultimately could ruin your life or make you bankrupt. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice person. Maybe he saw a weak vulnerable person he could manipulate easily. Sometimes kindness is seen as a weakness.

You have to get rid of him now. His reaction shows that he takes no responsibility for his debt, and he sure as hell doesn't care about you, no matter what words come out of his mouth. Pack his belongings, put them in a suitcase and ask him to collect them. He has already started gaslighting you. This is a huge red flag.

Does he have a key? If so change the lock (£10 for a barrel at B&Q), no skills are required to fit it.

Do not let him manipulate his way back in. Tell him he needs to sort himself out. You had a very lucky escape here. The sooner you act the more protection you have. This way you can genuinely state he does not live there if bailiffs come to remove your belongings from the house. The onus would be on you 'proving' you purchased your things. They will remove them if you can't. You do not want to go through this hell. This is just the beginning if you are not brave enough to act. Do you want to risk his debts being connected to you?

How much does he owe exactly? Has he shown you proof of the debts? If not, they figure he told you may be a fraction of the real sum.

Not your problem.

He owes £1,250 to whoever this debt is for
I think that's with fees added on

Go! You deserve it!

I don't know if this will help. When XH left just over 4yrs ago, he had a lot of debt (that I didn't know about). Background: I was the breadwinner, we had separate accounts for everything, I covered all the rent/utilities from my account and his name wasn't on the tenancy agreement.

One morning, soon after he left (and I found out about OW), a couple of bailiffs showed up at my door looking for him. I basically burst into tears on them (it was still raw!), told them that he'd fucked off with OW and wasn't living here anymore. I didn't let them in, but I did pass on his number (and OW's number - she had been a friend of mine!) so they can contact him. I didn't know his address as he wouldn't tell me. They gave me a letter to pass on to him too. They were really sweet (and probably not used to a random woman crying all over them about an errant XH and his OW!). They did look at my car, but I told them it was mine and not his. I gave them the reg number of his car, and pointed out the van he'd left on my drive, and said they were welcome to take that!!

TLDR, they left me alone after that (I could prove that I lived in the house and that he had moved out). It was easy (when he moved out) to get his name of the council tax. I changed the locks when he left too. That side of things was all v simple.

Over unless he can sort his life out? He owes the court, HMRC and previous landlord, and goodness knows who else. He is not going to sort this out.

Contact the bailiffs, tell them he's gone and you don't know where but you can give them his employer and his phone number.

You moved him into your own home? Why would you do that? Honestly, men like this do not change. Your life will be a misery. You will become responsible for administering his debts as he throws temper tantrums because he is a useless, weak coward who can't take responsibility for himself. You will become like a mum, not a lover, and he will hate you for it, not love you.
I would ask him to take all his things, get his key and leave your house permanently - make sure he understands it's over. Cut all contact - ALL contact. Change your phone number. it's not difficult to do. Don't try and be "friends" - please. He will ruin you mentally and financially. No man is worth it.

He will move on to another kind woman who will take the snake in. He does not love you. All mail that comes from him, write on the front "DLO - NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS" and put in the post box. Do not open any mail with his name on - get it out of your house immediately. Bailiffs, phone calls - no problem - tell them he does not live there and you don't know where he lives.

Lots of good advice here already. But to add, fire wall your finances. Hide all banking details, identity documents, carry your cards on you at all times. I would also conduct a credit search to see if there are any finance products taken out in your name. He is not your boyfriend, he is a parasite, he will not change, he views you as his next credit line and once that is exhausted he will move onto his next victim. Assuming he is not on any tenancy agreement/mortgage he had to go, change the locks and don't look back. God I fucking loathe arses like this.

@brendasays
Any letters you receive return them to the sender as not living at this address. Tell the council you are back to single occupancy and get the 25% discount reinstated.
Do NOT allow him to move back in.
Pack his clothes up, or anything else he has.
Take photos of it and leave it somewhere it can be passed to him or collected.
Change the locks so he can't get back in.
If any bailiffs call again you can tell them he doesn't live there.
And for the love of god do not get back together with him, whether he moves in or you live apart. He has been dishonest and brought problems to your door.....you are well shot of him!

Change the locks then go and enjoy your spa break. It's exactly what you need.

unless he can sort his life out and even then I'm not sure I would want it

You would be a fool to consider this. You don't love him - you love the idea of him you had before he showed you he was a user and a liar and instead of taking responsibility when he got found out, he got aggressive with you to try and emotionally blackmail you into paying his debts. I am guessing you will get the suicidal, self harming, no one can save me but you routine next. It is all fake. Dont fall for it.

He's dishonest OP. If he is lying to you about this what else may he be lying about ? Other debts perhaps??