Husband’s violent outburst - is it over?

[Dreamingofthathouse]

We’ve been married many years, until recently a fairly happy marriage though with time we have encountered many of the usual life challenges (two full time jobs with small children, including one with challenging behaviour, aging parents with health issues, some of our own health issues and of course the current economic situation). These have started to wear us down and we have very little time to properly address issues.

As a result tensions have mounted, and I should preface this by saying I am that annoying partner who always brings up issues and wants to discuss how to solve them, even on a Sunday evening when my husband would rather relax (and has made this very clear).

In truth I really pushed all his buttons tonight including saying several insulting things. I’m not proud of it and in retrospect I was selfish to not just let him relax ahead of a long and stressful week. But I know my behaviour also stems from not feeling heard. At any rate, he then (for the first time) had a big violent fit, threw some of my things out the window, slammed doors, broke a bunch of plates and punched me in the arm when I tried to stop him. I am sleeping in the living room tonight. I told him not to come close to me and he told me that I am a bully and have been so unpleasant I drove him out of his mind.

I’m really sad, I’m not proud of my behaviour, I’m a little shocked (but somehow not that shocked, oddly) but I’m also not seeing a way around what he has done and I’m not sure what to do with our small children who are in the mix.

IANBU: I can work on my behaviour and as this was a complete one off triggered by me we can reset and he won’t turn violent again

IABU: this is a new side to my husband I have discovered and after this there is no way back. Anyway if I’ve driven an otherwise peaceful man to madness there is no going back from here

You need to make plans to leave or for him to go. It will only get worse.

This will escalate. It always escalate. You are only responsible for your own actions. He, and he alone, is responsible for physically assaulting you.

It's interesting that he says you're a bully when he threw your things out of a window, smashed plates and punched your arm.

I said some awful things. I have a very sharp tongue. And I would not go away and let him be.

It doesn’t matter what you said to him, it is never an excuse for violence. This is a tactic that abusers use. I was in an abusive relationship and I believed for too long that his behaviour was my fault. You are not responsible for him. It’s also a huge red flag that you felt like you couldn’t bring this up. Unless he’s had a severe brain injury recently, I struggle to believe that there haven’t been any other warning signs of this over the years. And sadly, it often does escalate. I also know that from experience. I honestly wouldn’t be waiting around for they to happen.

I’m just wondering if this really trumps more than a decade of life together without any violence, particularly recognising that I too was violent but with words.

Not unless he’s incredibly contrite in the morning and agrees to seek therapy/anger management. Too many women are killed by their partners. It really isn’t something to take lightly. And it sounds like he was violent in words and actions as well.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through - it sounds so very difficult.
Taking a hard look at my marriage, I think we have been experiencing more stress lately, which has led me to be verbally abusive, and my husband, who is normally a considerate and very even keeled person (don’t think I’ve heard him raise his voice more than a couple of times in our 10+ years of marriage) finally snapped.
He is not an abuser - he could not sustain this kind of behaviour and he has now come to say he shouldn’t have behaved that way. BUT I also can’t bring myself to unlive it and I’m naturally wondering what this means for me and my children… so for now I’m still in the living room and will probably avoid him until I am clearer on what to do

It’s shocking and awful when someone you love shows you a side you’ve never seen before. I still maintain there’s no excuse for violence, especially with kids in the house. A therapist may be a potential way forward if you truly think it was a one off. Good luck, I hope you are able to work through it. But please don’t blame yourself or think your deserved what he did.

I'm sat here trying to think of something my husband could say to me that would make me think it was ok for me to hit him. Or vice versa, something I could say to him that would make me think him hitting me was a reasonable response. I can't think of anything. Genuinely. Outside of a confession of some heinous act of violence against our child I can't think of an insult I could throw that would justify either of us punching the other.

The chucking stuff out of the window and plate breaking I could maybe forgive. Maybe. If he agreed to counselling both individual and couples. But once it's escalated to actual physical violence against you... I just don't think you come back from that.

You may well need therapy to work on your tendency to be verbally abusive. That’s one issue.

A separate issue is his physical reaction. However angry he became, he had non-physical choices as a functioning adult. He lost his shit: we all do. BUT we don’t all punch people (only you know how this punch went and how intentional it was for you)/smash plates/throw stuff out windows. As a “one off” that’s pretty dramatic.

If you are both being abusive, this relationship is likely too toxic to bother trying. I think once things are at the point of a physical reaction it’s hard to save, especially with kids involved. And perhaps some things you said will be hard for him to forget anyway.

I think you should both walk away.

Thank you for the answers and yes, I’m really torn because on the one hand, I know he is far from thinking violence is ok. He literally lost it for a few minutes during which he behaved in a way I know he would not condone.
For these two minutes of violence I have years of patience and self control.
And he didn’t exactly set out to attack me. He was trying to throw one of my things and I tried to block him which is when I got the arm punch.
But at the same time, I do have a deep belief that physical violence is just always wrong, and even more so in the domestic setting.
i think I’ll try to sleep on it now and update later tomorrow / this week

Both your options for YABU and YANBU are saying the same thing - that it’s all your fault, you drove him to it, so I can’t vote for either of those. You’re clearly blaming yourself, but so apparently is he. How horrible and shocking for you.

you are right, I’m trying to emphasise that I really did say awful things which provoked this reaction, because I think that’s relevant context. I am not an angel and as a previous poster pointed out, if I wanted to save my marriage I would probably need therapy to work on my tendency to he verbally abusive (i’m aware of the tendency but can’t seem to fix it on my own)

Ah, the whole you're blocking me so I have to physically hurt you tidbit.

That's violence.

You are both violent. You have been verbally and emotionally violent many times, by your own admission. He has been physically violent this one time.

You relationship has devolved into a toxic shit storm. Get away from each other, both of you need therapy, and go your separate ways.

Yeah what @MavisMcMinty wrote. You're blaming yourself and so is he.

It's weirdly easier to blame ourselves for having a fight and our partner's behaviour because that way we still have agency in power in what's happened and therefore we can correct it in the future.

To cover yourself legally later, I'd start a log of his violence, and record it with the police (not 999). He punched you, that's assault.

I say this as someone with a friend who is struggling in family court because she didn't report husband's violence, and regrets it. At the time she was trying to play things down, but now has no proof and it's his word against hers it ever happened.

I havent voted. Your options are both weirdly "i am so awful".
I normally quite happy to say LTB....but i not sure this is that clear cut. How is his mental health?

I think its a seriously think about LTB situation

Clearly you both played a role.
Youve been married a long time and know each other inside out.

Truthfully if this happened with my husband (and given the right/wrong series of events i could imagine something similar might as i have the capacity to say TERRIBLE awful horrendous things) it wouldn't automatically be the end of our marriage

It would def be a catalyst for addressing our marital issues - assuming both of us were highly repentant and acknowledged a. Our roles and b. A desire to never let it happen again

Even with that l'd still be taking stock of (&hiding!) assets and be thinking about what an exit plan would look like should it happen again.

It depends on how often you are verbally and emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse really does a number on a person's mental health. You shouldn't be living in the same household. Your children are now living with abuse. Your household meets the definition of causing significant harm. Do either of you have anywhere else that you can stay?

Did he physically hit you or was he throwing something and your arm was hit in the process?

To me these are very different, there's intent to physically hurt in one of those actions and not in the other?

(not blaming or accusing, trying to get an accurate account)

Since you’re determined to blame yourself for his violent tantrum, there’s little point in asking opinions on MN. He did the classic “look what you made me do” and you’re agreeing with him. You’re even describing yourself as sharp tongued, as though that means you’re some kind of shrewish wife who deserves to be hit.
And you think it’s only you that needs therapy- no consideration that he should face up to being wrong for having a massive outburst of temper and PUNCHING HIS WIFE ffs.

I really don't care what you said, there's no excuse for his reaction.

I think it's very telling that you're so convinced that you provoked him into extraordinarily violent and abusive behaviour. You didn't make him do that. It's also a sign of abuse that he broke your belongings specifically.

It's also very telling that you feel like you ought to have kept quiet about things that were bothering you. Does he often evade conversations about things that are bothering you? Because I can see why that would make you very frustrated.

Also, if you stay, you're now going to be very wary about raising issues in case he reacts in such a way again. He's now got you very well controlled, hasn't he?

To be fair, LTB is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. I don't know how it's so easy for some people to siggest like going to the store 🤷‍♀️

It makes sense that you don't want or can't take extreme options because that takes so much energy and you might have very little right now.

Just saying, some men intentionally start this chaos and rucks whilst at home so they get a chance to accidentally (cough) hit you. I suppose that way he can blame you for that, as well.

If it's an abusive relationship couples counselling isn't somethings ideal.

Anyone who sagely suggest that you look your part in an argument whilst being abused is nuts.

1000% this. And he needs to know it. Being unkind and rude to your husband is not a crime (this does not genuinely sound on the abusive level. Relationships can be many levels of poor, antagonistic, argumentative without abuse)

, but punching your wife is.