Husband’s violent outburst - is it over?

[Dreamingofthathouse]

We’ve been married many years, until recently a fairly happy marriage though with time we have encountered many of the usual life challenges (two full time jobs with small children, including one with challenging behaviour, aging parents with health issues, some of our own health issues and of course the current economic situation). These have started to wear us down and we have very little time to properly address issues.

As a result tensions have mounted, and I should preface this by saying I am that annoying partner who always brings up issues and wants to discuss how to solve them, even on a Sunday evening when my husband would rather relax (and has made this very clear).

In truth I really pushed all his buttons tonight including saying several insulting things. I’m not proud of it and in retrospect I was selfish to not just let him relax ahead of a long and stressful week. But I know my behaviour also stems from not feeling heard. At any rate, he then (for the first time) had a big violent fit, threw some of my things out the window, slammed doors, broke a bunch of plates and punched me in the arm when I tried to stop him. I am sleeping in the living room tonight. I told him not to come close to me and he told me that I am a bully and have been so unpleasant I drove him out of his mind.

I’m really sad, I’m not proud of my behaviour, I’m a little shocked (but somehow not that shocked, oddly) but I’m also not seeing a way around what he has done and I’m not sure what to do with our small children who are in the mix.

IANBU: I can work on my behaviour and as this was a complete one off triggered by me we can reset and he won’t turn violent again

IABU: this is a new side to my husband I have discovered and after this there is no way back. Anyway if I’ve driven an otherwise peaceful man to madness there is no going back from here

If they bring out the worst in each other, I don't see how you think calling someone lazy when they sound like they are is in any way comparable to criminal behaviour.

They aren’t comparable.

But neither is a one off loss of control (which can lead to them both agreeing to stop flogging the rotting horse carcass in front of them) comparable to a years long campaign (frog boiling) to ensure he feels utterly worthless.

The OP encourages her husband to be the best version of himself by telling him he’s lazy and worthless.

I'm surprised you genuinely believe the OP is on a deliberate campaign to try to make her DH feel worthless.

Unless the OP confirms that, I'm going to have to disregard your interpretation.

I believe my comment was very clear. He might well be lazy (and she says herself she called him many other things too!). But that is no excuse for OP to be verbally abusive. If she thinks he's lazy and he isn't prepared to step up, she needed to decide to accept that's who he is or leave him. Not berate and verbally abuse him over it repeatedly.

I also said he should have responded to OPs abuse by leaving the relationship rather than returning the domestic violence.

OP has been verbally abusing him over an extended period, again and again. Her DH lost his shit at it and retaliated with physical abuse and smashed some shit then hit the OP. Both behaved abusively, even if you could argue both sides were in a reaction to the others behaviour. You can argue which is 'worse' but quite frankly neither are acceptable and the 'who was worst of the worst' game solves nothing. Any abuse is too much abuse. None is acceptable.

What you did was badger nag and be nasty to him what he did was deliberately target your things attack you and blame you for it

I get how easy it is to blame yourself for everything but it's really not your fault you cannot dictate his actions you can give people a stack of (metaphorical) knives to stab you with and they can use them or walk away

Plus what the hell is wrong with talking about things that need to be talked about?

Click "Report" on your first post, and when the dialogue box appears, ask to have the thread moved.

Agreebwith @OhBling

This was an attempt to silence you by violence, OP.

Is it going to work?

There's a difference between:

'Hey DH we have a few things we need to sort out, when would be a good time for you to sit and go through them with me' and

'Oi, I know you said you didn't want to talk about x,y,z now but thats selfish. I want to do it now you lazy, neglectful shit. I don't even know why I'm with you, I just can't respect someone thats part of the problem not the solution'

OP freely admits she was more along the lines of the second.

I’d hope so since she was verbally abusive, something should definitely silence in that situation.

Have you got children that have to witness all this? If so the answer is very clear!

I just saw this Facebook reel by a therapist that reminded me so much of this situation:

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1300810230784089?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

OP - here’s another para from you that indicates how deeply his behaviour has affected you in the past decade

“The narrative that I’m afraid to talk to him is in this case not correct - I have trouble letting go and NOT talking when I’m angry. i bring up issues too often, that’s part of the problem, sometimes if your life is full of problems you need to change how you deal with things instead of stamping out every inch of happiness and peace.”

When we bring up an issue and it does NOT get resolved, when a partner refuses to engage, stonewalls, minimizes our concern, finds a way to make us think we should be letting something lie, that if we just backed off peace and happiness would ensue (ie. The problem isn’t actually the issue you’re trying to tackle but the very fact that you are trying to tackle any issue at all) - that is coercive control/manipulation and emotional abuse.

Bringing up concerns in a marriage should be a way to resolve them. If it’s not then you just go round in circles, end up apologising and so it goes on.

I don’t know how old your children are but having young children IS stressful. Issues arise that won’t if it is just the two of you - and their resolution becomes more urgent and important, so ‘leaving it’ just isn’t an option.

What you say you have said to him is NOT verbal abuse. What he has done IS an escalation of abuse. People who abuse do not have the ability to self reflect in the way that you are demonstrating on this thread.

It breaks my heart that you’re reaching out but ignoring so many posters who clearly do know what it is like to live this way from personal experience. It may be many years until you reach the straw that breaks the camel’s back, but know that MN is a good place to come when you and in the meantime. Many, many women here (sadly) have experienced the same or very similar and have the scars to prove it.

Please stay safe and I would strongly advise that you NEVER even contemplate showing this thread to your husband. Nor that you engage in couples counselling with him. If you seek your own therapy try to find someone who is really experienced with abuse - many, many therapists and counsellors have no idea and can do more harm than good. GP could be a good place for you to start.

I’m going to go against the grain and say it’s not unfixable but you’ve both got work to do. Would you be willing to engage with counselling? It sounds like you’re both bringing out worst in each other just now but you’ve got a lot of external stresses and more appropriate responses can be taught and learned.

I’m like you OP, so I can empathise, I want everything resolved right now and I struggle when others need space or time away from the situation. I see it as a rejection if my DH doesn’t want to resolve things as soon as I’m ready, but I realise my need for resolution doesn’t trump his need for space. I usually tell him I’m going for a walk or a drive to prevent me from “going on” and he will text me when he’s ready to talk. He’s usually ready within the hour though, so this strategy wouldn’t work with a sulker. Can you try something like that? If you genuinely believe the violence was a one time thing, would your DH be willing to prove it by entering anger management or completing a domestic violence course to help him understand how to control his reactions? Are you in a financial situation where you could live apart while this is done?

My word. So you can control yourself in front of the kids but not when they aren’t there. You sound awful OP.

i hit my ex once after he had been emotionally and verbally abusing me for months or years. I just needed him to stop.
You need to stop. FFS

Yes, very much this.

I’d hope so since she was verbally abusive, something should definitely silence in that situation.

This comment in particular from a PP I find astoundingly stupid. It's ok to break someone's stuff and punch them if it means they then don't dare to ever challenge their partner on an issue. Fucking hell, that's one bleak mindset. Makes me feel genuinely sickened tbh.

His reaction was wrong and completely unacceptable, obviously. I'm wondering why you behave like this though? Why the discussion couldn't have been had another time. Would you have followed if he walked away?
It sounds a very unhealthy dynamic all round and has now crossed a line that requires action, no matter what the outcome.

I'm going to go against the grain here, and be utterly crucified for it, I'm sure.

Has no one here, honestly, been verbally, emotionally and mentally abused for years upon years, and finally lost it?

I don't condone violent behaviour. On the other hand, has anyone here had anyone stood over them, berating them, saying the most awful things to you that degrades your self esteem to nothing, until you are shrivelled and worn to nothing? If not, you can't possibly imagine reactive violence.

OP at least, in spite of the comments here, recognises her abusive behaviour. The fact she can control it in front of her children, tells me she knows exactly what she's doing, has a choice over her own behaviour and makes the choice to engage in it. She has, by her own admission, spent years bullying and abusing this man, and after 10 years, he's finally crumpled. She's had a taste of her own medicine and got a fright at it. There is no better or worse abuse. Sexual, emotional, mental, verbal or physical. Many people after suffering verbal, mental, or emotional abuse commit, or attempt to commit, suicide. I am glad her husband hasn't.

Let's also remember, by the sounds of it, and I may be wrong, she's physically tried to stop him from doing what he was doing. He's reacted.

I'm willing to get crucified for it as I said, but if I was abused by a man for 10 years, I'm willing to bet I might lose it too, and become reactively abusive.

Neither acted good. If I was her husband, and I'd been so mentally battered I resorted to punching someone in the arm, I'd be out the door the next day, and I wouldn't be surprised if he does; he has every right as does she.

That being said, in her position there wouldn't be a second time for me. If you want to fix your marriage, you need serious help fast, as does he. If he did it again I'd be leaving. On his side, if you engaged in your abusive behaviour again, I'd be leaving.

I'll put my neck on the line and wager he'll find it easier to stop his physical abuse before she stops her mental abuse. He's going to be in this for a while yet.

But how many abusers are… endlessly just trying to get their partner to consider extra support for their child? That’s pretty atypical isn’t it? I’d be pretty furious if I couldn’t get my husband to engage on a topic like that ‘nah he’ll be fine, leave him in his school‘

It may be a point, if OP didn't themselves state that this is how she is, how she engages, and this is far from the first time she's done it.

As others have pointed out, if she can't deal with his communication style (or lack thereof) she either needs to accept, or leave, if he won't change.

It's akin to saying that because perhaps he disagrees about something re the child, and because she won't budge, she deserves to be abused.

The op could choose not to be verbally and emotionally abusive and could have done at any point during the sustained abuse she's perpetrated toward him. She hasn't. And now that he's lost it, now she's finally considering her behaviour.

I'd rather deal with one punch than years of emotional and verbal abuse, personally, and I've dealt with both. I've heard many a justification for the latter, mostly just that how I am is wrong.

I'm sure there's a few things about the OP that's fucks off her husband, it doesn't give him a right to abuse her for years.

Honestly, I reckon in this scenario, her husbands going to choose to leave.

If he's done it once he's capable of doing it again. I speak from experience.

If either of your dc witnessed what happened & told someone at school, you would have social services knocking on your door. Your relationship is toxic & you would be better apart.

Sorry but he's not abusive, you are. He snapped. 99.9% of people, men and women, would eventually snap after being emotionally abused for years.

Whether you think you can work on the relationship or not is up to you, but to be perfectly frank, the problem lies with you.

If the OP has been abused by her DH for years then she probably wouldn’t have the confidence to be verbally abusive to him.
Abuse makes you afraid. It makes you small. It makes you want to be invisible so you don’t get hurt again. It makes you compliant and desperate.
It doesn’t make you verbally abusive.

It seems to me like the OP is the abusive one and is managing to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes.

It’s vanishingly rare for a couple to be together for a decade and then for violence to start. Unless there are external reasons for it, like alcoholism etc.

He snapped. Prisons have lots of women in who finally snapped. We’re they wrong?

"But how many abusers are… endlessly just trying to get their partner to consider extra support for their child? That’s pretty atypical isn’t it? I’d be pretty furious if I couldn’t get my husband to engage on a topic like that ‘nah he’ll be fine, leave him in his school‘" @Codlingmoths

We have no idea that is the case, but an immediate way to the moral high ground is to claim good mothering. My mother used to constantly make out that there was something wrong with me, that I had special or additional needs, when there was nothing wrong that preventing her hanging over me constantly, terrorising me with violence and contempt, wouldn't have solved. But claiming that she was the good mother doing the best for a difficult child lit up her attention-seeking narcissism.

I understand that VAWG is huge problem and a shocking number of women are killed by their partners every year - but @Toenailz is correct that longterm emotional and verbal abuse makes you want to kill yourself, so it's not an act without physical consequences. I would frankly take one honest punch over years of corrosive hurt.

I don't condone violence, but when I said earlier on this thread that I'm pleased I've never put a brick through my mother's face, it's because I understand that there could be a point where that was no longer in my control. People can only take so much - and part of the reason I had to stop seeing her was because I was afraid I would kill her whilst having an out of body experience.

The poll on this thread is all about the husband's violence on this occasion. The children are always the most important thing and their well-being needs to be prioritised if they are hearing this stuff happening, whether it ends in fisticuffs or not.

Yes, I have actually. I have snapped before and thrown things and pushed someone. A fully grown man who wasn't even hurt, really. I shouldn't have done it, even then.

And I remember perfectly well the kind of vile things that were said about me, the hours and hours of verbal assaults, not being allowed to sleep at night, being constantly threatened, called every name under the sun, my things being broken, being squared up to constantly, having every awful thing that had ever happened to me in my life thrown at me, and so on and so on.

The OP does not describe behaving in this manner. She did not deserve to be punched for calling him lazy and selfish or 'nagging'. Particularly when he does sound like those things are perfectly true.

If that's the worst her 'bullying' gets, please don't insult people who have been really beaten down by horrible abuse by calling that comparable.

His reaction sounds truly vile. It's criminal. THAT is abuse.