Husband’s violent outburst - is it over?

[Dreamingofthathouse]

We’ve been married many years, until recently a fairly happy marriage though with time we have encountered many of the usual life challenges (two full time jobs with small children, including one with challenging behaviour, aging parents with health issues, some of our own health issues and of course the current economic situation). These have started to wear us down and we have very little time to properly address issues.

As a result tensions have mounted, and I should preface this by saying I am that annoying partner who always brings up issues and wants to discuss how to solve them, even on a Sunday evening when my husband would rather relax (and has made this very clear).

In truth I really pushed all his buttons tonight including saying several insulting things. I’m not proud of it and in retrospect I was selfish to not just let him relax ahead of a long and stressful week. But I know my behaviour also stems from not feeling heard. At any rate, he then (for the first time) had a big violent fit, threw some of my things out the window, slammed doors, broke a bunch of plates and punched me in the arm when I tried to stop him. I am sleeping in the living room tonight. I told him not to come close to me and he told me that I am a bully and have been so unpleasant I drove him out of his mind.

I’m really sad, I’m not proud of my behaviour, I’m a little shocked (but somehow not that shocked, oddly) but I’m also not seeing a way around what he has done and I’m not sure what to do with our small children who are in the mix.

IANBU: I can work on my behaviour and as this was a complete one off triggered by me we can reset and he won’t turn violent again

IABU: this is a new side to my husband I have discovered and after this there is no way back. Anyway if I’ve driven an otherwise peaceful man to madness there is no going back from here

This. Verbal abuse is still abuse. You can't verbally abuse someone frequently and then be surprised when they eventually explode. He was wrong. You were wrong. Your marriage sounds like a shit storm.

This seems to be the auto response for some folks here; almost as if it were automatic.

Not specifically about broken plates and low level assault but the older generation would perhaps say 'stuff happens'

Maybe, just maybe, life is more nuanced.

Can you both pull back , sort things out and find a compromise?

That's got to be better than sorting out seperate lives, kids etc.

In case this hasn’t come up already in PPs please read the Lundy Bancroft book, Why Doe He Do That? (Read discreetly, you can download on kindle app). It is hugely insightful and compassionate.

If it doesn’t reasonate with you then by all means look to work on yourself and your own behaviour. If it does reasonate with you then I hope you can take what it says to heart.

Being physically violent is not the only facet to abuse and if you understand the totality of what it means and how it manifests better, then it will give you a lot of perspective on both your behaviour and his. It’s an amazing road map - use it. Good luck 💐

Why DOES he do that?
(Not why does he do that? 🤦🏻‍♀️)

He blamed his behavior on you? Nope. Out he goes. Absolutely not ok. I do not care what you said- physical violence is not, and never will be, an excusable or appropriate response.

I read the book and it wasn't hugely insightful or compassionate. It's just reading harrowing accounts of abusive whilst being abuse.

He does that, according to the author, because he likes control and he gets away with it.

I don't remember LB being certified in anything really. Just an American self-help book with a tonne of filler.

Also ●♤♡~understanding the abuser~□☆~ changes nothing

It resonated with me because I had a friend in my late teens who was an absolute wild child, who led me astray (and whom my parents hated!). When she first met her husband at the age of 20, she made the mistake of telling him just some of the stories of her sexual past and he lost it, hitting her, calling her a whore. She hastily explained it was all MY fault, I’d led HER astray, which wasn't true, but hey, it stopped him hitting her that time.

He banned her from seeing me, such a terrible influence was I, so for a while we snuck around behind his back, meeting up occasionally in lunch breaks, that kind of thing. The last time I saw her, after their marriage, I asked if he was still hitting her - she’d married him to “make him feel more secure”, you see.

”Only when I deserve it”, she replied. Such devastating words. I’d lost her, she was his punch bag now.

So that’s why I hate to see you blaming yourself in both your AIBU voting options. My friend never “deserved” to be hit, and neither did you. x

I once had a violent outburst of similar when I was relaxing on an evening and my husband at the time started ranting, raving and insulting me and would not leave me alone. I was not abusive in general, I just completely broke under the abuse. I completely trashed a room and pushed him off me when he tried to stop me.

I think you drove him to fucking breaking point to be honest. You're both wrong.

Verbal abuse is completely unacceptable and you need to get a handle on this immediately. Whatever you do don't start thinking of him as a terrible abuser and you as an innocent party - emotional abuse is absolutely crippling and devastating.

Talking to someone on a Sunday night about issues when you've asked not to is disregard for their mental health.

I would advise taking a break away from each other if you're able to. Otherwise draw a line with yourself in the sand now - no more emotional abuse. No more name calling. It is absolutely unacceptable. How long have you been doing this for?

Does he ever respond to it? Does he ever instigate it or is it always you?

Not feeling "heard" is not a reason to become abusive. My ex said this and he completely ruined my life with this toxic abuse. VERBALLY ABUSING YOUR PARTNER is 100% unacceptable no matter how you feel. Look into serious counselling for yourself and jointly.

You are wondering if leaving him after 10 years is justified over one outburst. I'd be wondering why he didn't leave you sooner for consistent emotional abuse. I think you will shortchange yourself of a chance to work on your own issues and save your marriage if you blame this all on him.

@MavisMcMinty I had a very similar experience. I was in the car with them and he told her, I married you because I've seen that dumb look on your face and I knew I could use you.

Still together. 3 kids! Divorce, had it happened, would have been a blessing fir her.

Is there the tiniest possibility that your mild-mannered husband who makes you feel you are not heard has no interest whatsoever in listening to your experience of the marriage?

After this episode, are you:
(1) more likely, or
(2) less likely
to ever try to talk to your husband about issues you want to talk through?

Start a fresh.
You both now have time to have alone time and really enjoyable and together adventures.
Both apologise. Discuss whether you need to seek any professional advice.
If not, just make a list and share of your personal hobbies that you each wish to develop, your lists of places to visit, your food types you wish to learn to cook and enjoy, your obligations to family, to work, to health.
Work out a timetable that allows relaxation alone and together.
For example - set some travel goals for each of you every month.
Laugh more. Decide to greet each other with a smile and a hug. Walk daily in nature. Open your mouth to compliment. Practise kindness to each other as a first option.
You can turn it around quickly and you can have a better life, with someone you trust and who adores the same children as you. Also both get a medical checkup every year.

If DP hit me, I would leave. End of, no excuses (barring a genuine accident, which, 'you were in the way', is not)

I would also leave if DP threw my things out of a window, respect me, respect my stuff.

Yanbu OP, you need to leave and take your children away to somewhere safe. What is he going to do if one of them push his buttons? I find kids much better at that than adults. Is he going to chuck their stuff out of the window then hurt them in they get infront of him to try and stop him? Oh and then blame them for getting hurt in the crossfire?

Reactive abuse is a thing.

Frankly, you two need to split. This isn’t healthy for your children. You need therapy for being verbally abusive, and he needs therapy as well.

Alone. While separated. Not together. You’re not healthy for each other.

@ChubbyMorticia Can you tell us a bit more about reactive abuse?

An American self help book.

Oh well then...

@mathanxiety I suppose Tell Me About Your Boring Day in Detail thread 25 isn't interesting atm

Oh well

Commenting on other threads people are on is a little stalky, @cassiatwenty

And I care about your opinion @mathanxiety why exactly? Remind me.

I wrote I suppose the thread isn't very interesting atm. How did you get from point A to point Z? 🤷‍♀️

Who commented on your thread? Please show me or excuse yourself rn!

Reactive abuse is when a victim finally snaps and becomes abusive in return (verbally or physically). An extreme example is when a battered spouse snaps and murders their abuser.

I don’t know what’s going on here, other than it’s very clear that it’s a toxic relationship between the adults, and an unhealthy environment for kids.

Both adults need therapy, imo. And to be away from each other.

No excuse for violence or his behaviour, but he sounds demented by you. When someone it's driven that close to the edge, the relationship is clearly toxic.

in retrospect I was selfish to not just let him relax ahead of a long and stressful week

Sigh. He’s really done a number on you, hasn’t he?

No excuse for violence but living with someone who needles and is verbally abusive can also be mental torture. It’s disappointing that this aspect of your behaviour is being minimised by posters, especially as you yourself have acknowledged it.

You probably are best apart as you both have things you need to work on.

To me it sounds like he accidentally punched you when he was acting out.
you on the other hand are deliberately and repeatedly verbally abusive and unkind.

i think he needs to leave you frankly or both of you need to have counselling.
Ive been in an abusive relationship and the verbal stuff is as bad sometimes if not worse.