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Original poster

Husband’s violent outburst - is it over?

199 replies

Dreamingofthathouse · 03/07/2023 01:10

We’ve been married many years, until recently a fairly happy marriage though with time we have encountered many of the usual life challenges (two full time jobs with small children, including one with challenging behaviour, aging parents with health issues, some of our own health issues and of course the current economic situation). These have started to wear us down and we have very little time to properly address issues.

As a result tensions have mounted, and I should preface this by saying I am that annoying partner who always brings up issues and wants to discuss how to solve them, even on a Sunday evening when my husband would rather relax (and has made this very clear).

In truth I really pushed all his buttons tonight including saying several insulting things. I’m not proud of it and in retrospect I was selfish to not just let him relax ahead of a long and stressful week. But I know my behaviour also stems from not feeling heard. At any rate, he then (for the first time) had a big violent fit, threw some of my things out the window, slammed doors, broke a bunch of plates and punched me in the arm when I tried to stop him. I am sleeping in the living room tonight. I told him not to come close to me and he told me that I am a bully and have been so unpleasant I drove him out of his mind.

I’m really sad, I’m not proud of my behaviour, I’m a little shocked (but somehow not that shocked, oddly) but I’m also not seeing a way around what he has done and I’m not sure what to do with our small children who are in the mix.

IANBU: I can work on my behaviour and as this was a complete one off triggered by me we can reset and he won’t turn violent again

IABU: this is a new side to my husband I have discovered and after this there is no way back. Anyway if I’ve driven an otherwise peaceful man to madness there is no going back from here

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamingofthathouse · 03/07/2023 09:10

towriteyoumustlive · 03/07/2023 09:03

Argh! I hate it when the story gets changed half way through!

So basically you were verbally abusive and vile to him, so he unsurprisingly coulsnt keep his cool any more and he therefore smashed some stuff. Then when he went to throw something of yours you tried to stop him and by putting your arm in the way you got hit.

He didn't actually intentionally hit you as your original post said. VERY misleading. BIG difference.

It sounds to me like your husband is owed a huge apology and you need to sort your behaviour out as it is bordering on narcissistic.

Show quote history

To be clear, he did hit me - I wasn’t just in the way.
but I wasn’t his first target. He started out breaking things and only hit me when I tried to get him to calm down.
which of course is better on the scale of things than him setting out to punch me.

my initial post made it very clear that we were having an argument, that I pushed his buttons, and as a result he snapped.

i have also recognised that verbal abuse is wrong and that I’m part of the problem.

not sure why you’re saying the story changed?

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 03/07/2023 09:27

Dreamingofthathouse · 03/07/2023 09:10

To be clear, he did hit me - I wasn’t just in the way.
but I wasn’t his first target. He started out breaking things and only hit me when I tried to get him to calm down.
which of course is better on the scale of things than him setting out to punch me.

my initial post made it very clear that we were having an argument, that I pushed his buttons, and as a result he snapped.

i have also recognised that verbal abuse is wrong and that I’m part of the problem.

not sure why you’re saying the story changed?

Show quote history

In your original post you said "and punched me in the arm when I tried to stop him".

Then in a later post you said "He was trying to throw one of my things and I tried to block him which is when I got the arm punch".

These are ABSOLUTELY NOT the same thing! The first one is punching someone with intent. The second is accidental.

The story has changed because an intentional punch would mean marriage over. But now you have clarified that he didn't actually intend to punch you but was just attempting to throw something of yours, then that makes it VERY different scenario.

Naunet · 03/07/2023 09:48

towriteyoumustlive · 03/07/2023 09:27

In your original post you said "and punched me in the arm when I tried to stop him".

Then in a later post you said "He was trying to throw one of my things and I tried to block him which is when I got the arm punch".

These are ABSOLUTELY NOT the same thing! The first one is punching someone with intent. The second is accidental.

The story has changed because an intentional punch would mean marriage over. But now you have clarified that he didn't actually intend to punch you but was just attempting to throw something of yours, then that makes it VERY different scenario.

Show quote history

No, saying ‘I got punched when I tried to block him’ does not automatically mean it was accidental, that’s just how you interpreted it.

monsteramunch · 03/07/2023 09:54

@towriteyoumustlive

These are ABSOLUTELY NOT the same thing! The first one is punching someone with intent. The second is accidental.

I read them as both being on purpose.

'When I tried to stop him' and 'when I tried to block him' being the 'cause' (for want of a better word - not excusable of course) of him punching her arm.

You're overly fixating on something that could be read either way and positioning it as OP lying when you're just reading it one of two ways it can be taken.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/07/2023 09:57

You are both unreasonable. You need time apart.

OhBling · 03/07/2023 09:59

OP, as I was reading this thread, I was thinking that while you being verbally aggressive isn't okay, I bet that this verbal abuse didn't come out of nowhere. And then you came on to update and surprise surprise, your yelling at him was actually after weeks (months?) of you attempting to talk rationally about something and him refusing to even acknowledge a problem.

I'm also struggling to see that the things you said were that vile? They were true - quite frankly, how can you respect a man who seems to have so little concern for your child's well being and isn't even willing to discuss it?!

The violence is an escalation on his part. He has attempted to stonewall you on discussions, including about your child, and you have not backed down even when he has made it difficult for you to talk. And so, when you dared to raise your voice and state a few home truths, he took that as an opportunity to physically assault you and your possessions and blame YOU for it.

Let me ask you this, let's say you decide that you were totally "vile" and perhaps deserved this violence and you both agree that you were in the wrong and are going to do better..... when and how are you going to bring up the issue with your DD's school again? Because I guarantee one of two things will happen: you won't bring it up in fear of his reaction OR you will bring it up and he will provoke you, make you angry, and then use your anger as an excuse to hit you again.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 03/07/2023 10:04

This is not new and has always been there even if expressed in other ways. It will get worse. Unfortunately because this appears to be a 0-100 escalation it means the next one is likely to be much worse. Arrange to see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Really sorry, I've been here and it honestly 100% does get worse.

Nordicrain · 03/07/2023 10:05

It sounds like potentially you were both being abusive. You verbally/ emotionally , him physically. Both are not on, but for me physical violence would be the end. It all sounds toxic.

Valour · 03/07/2023 10:06

From your updates, it doesn't sound like you were being verbally abusive- you were being honest after a long while of trying to get him to engage to improve your child's life. When you first described yourself and your actions, I was expecting much, much worse.

TiredButDancing · 03/07/2023 10:14

OP - please don't get hung up on this "verbally abusive" stuff. You said some things, it doesn't sound like they were particularly nice but I'm not sure being a bit verbally attacking in an argument that's been brewing is abusive. but more importantly, it's never an excuse for violence

I'm pretty sure your "verbal abuse" is the result of a long campaign by him to ensure you are always seen as the bad guy. I bet this has happened before - he does something or says something and refuses to engage until you lose it, and then you have to apologise?

Unless you've lived it, or watched it, it can be very hard to see how clever and manipulative this can be. My SIL's ex managed it for years with everyone agreeing she was the problem and feeling sorry for him. I was the lone voice defending her, and it took his behaviour escalating massively, and a few pretty hardcore arguments between me and in laws, before her extended family started backing her.

L1342 · 03/07/2023 10:22

I haven’t read the thread, but I just wanted to say I really hope you’re okay. No matter what you didn’t deserve to be punched in your arm. You really need to let some trusted family members know. Don’t let this become a secret which can escalate behind close doors.

FloweryWowery · 03/07/2023 10:23

It sounds like you were frustrated as your DH was disregarding your concerns about your DC. He said he'd fight you tooth and nail to keep the children if you split up - hardly the speech of a caring family man. You're scared to talk to him and are criticising yourself for speaking to him on a Sunday as he needs to relax (!) To me this does sound like abuse and you shouldn't have counselling with your abuser.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 03/07/2023 10:33

So you verbally abused him, knowing full well what you were doing, and he responded with physical abuse? You admit you do this regularly. You choose to do it because you say yourself you have the control not to do it in front of the children so you clearly have the control not to do it to him either but choose not to exercise it.

You are correct you are both abusive. But he should have left you for your behaviour before he got to his limit and responded physically. Abuse in response to abuse is not ok. You are both toxic to eachother and need to seperate and get therapy for your respective problems. Which of you pulls the trigger doesn't matter.

It's interesting that you say you have a deep belief physical violence is always wrong - you think his one episode of physical abuse is so awful yet you have been verbally abusive on several occasions and that's ok by you? You don't have a deep belief that form is abuse is just as bad and you're the perpetrator?

You've both done very wrong and there is no way back for either of you.

InTheMiddleOfIt · 03/07/2023 10:35

You have to feel sorry for the kids. 🫤

Sounds like you have to split. Children can't be around people who can behave like this when they are together.

Honestly? Did you set out to deliberately cause an argument and to wind him up? Are you looking for a reason to be able to blame him for the split. ( which you now can! As physical violence too trumps verbal abuse)

Nothing can make the physical abuse ok though.

Professional help would be a good idea for both of you.

Butterflycircle · 03/07/2023 10:39

You did say you got in his way so it did sound like you changed tack. I worked with DV survivors I would say your relationship is overall abusive. It will be affecting your children. Only you know what is truly happening. It’s also not recommended for people to have joint counselling with their abusers which I would say you both are.

The best thing would be to split up and for you to both take responsibility for your behaviour. Because regardless of posters having some differences of opinion on fault the outcome of it all and the relationship is bad.

You are modelling hatred and criticism and regardless of where your children are and the whole they were asleep so have no idea it happened they will pick up on the underlying tension.

Tempone · 03/07/2023 10:46

The things you said are not abusive, you are not at fault. We all have to control our tempers in life sometimes. Your husband is unable to control his.

Comtesse · 03/07/2023 10:54

Well there’s a lot of bullshit DV apologists on this thread.

Breaking a load of things and then punching your wife is appalling. Why is anyone making excuses for that??

I don’t really care what OP was saying, that sounds like criminal behaviour.

OP suggest you move this to Relationships. You will get better advice.

CKL987 · 03/07/2023 11:02

If you have been together for a decade without a hint of behaviour from him like this before then I wouldn't suggest that he is an abuser where it will only get worse. I would be more concerned about his mental health
Your descibed behaviour can in no way justify his violent response either but if you see your behaviour as provoking and bullying then you need to work on that.
I wouldn't suggest this is the end of your relationship but would think you could both benefit from couples and maybe individual therapy to work on your communication methods.

ManateeFair · 03/07/2023 11:15

Verbal abuse and threats are not acceptable, and deliberately going on and on at someone at a time when you know it will only end in a big row is incredibly frustrating for the other person. I have been on the receiving end of that sort of behaviour in a relationship and it was unbearable.

However - that doesn't, of course, mean that smashing things and punching someone in the arm are a proportionate response. It's never OK to smash stuff up and hit someone, ever. You behaved badly, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour.

The fact that it's taken ten years for him to do this is interesting, as it doesn't sound like there's a pattern of domestic abuse. But again, that doesn't excuse it.

If I'm being brutally honest, I think it sounds like you bring out the worst in each other.

Tempone · 03/07/2023 11:18

Verbal abuse and threats are not acceptable, and deliberately going on and on at someone at a time when you know it will only end in a big row is incredibly frustrating for the other person. I have been on the receiving end of that sort of behaviour in a relationship and it was unbearable.

Reading ops update I really don't think that's what happened here, it seems like she is being told those as justification for her "d" h being physically abusive

OneTC · 03/07/2023 11:21

How do you have arguments like you describe, when the other person has only raised their voice a few times in 10 years?

When you're shouting at him what's he doing?

Randomiser13 · 03/07/2023 11:24

Being violent with words and being physically violent are not the same thing. Violent words don't kill and both of you are equally equipped to cause the same damage using violent words. The next time he is physically violent he could kill you or cause you serious injury.

I totally understand how difficult it is to leave someone and the constant weighing of alternatives especially with children in the mix but I do think he has crossed that line where you are risking too much by staying.

Also he doesn't seem to take responsibility for his actions and seems to blame you for them and for me that's a massive red flag.

OhBling · 03/07/2023 11:28

Well there’s a lot of bullshit DV apologists on this thread.

Yes, this. And it's why abuse continues on and on and on and why so many woman struggle to walk away.

This desperate attempt to justify, explain, excuse. I am so tired of it.

ThursdayFreedom · 03/07/2023 11:30

@Dreamingofthathouse

why were you discussing what you'd do if you split up?

Grimchmas · 03/07/2023 11:39

calling him selfish, unwilling to engage, lazy, saying I can’t respect or live with a partner who always gets in the way of solutions

wait this is the worst of what you said and you think these words are vile and abusive?

It sounds like he was being selfish, unwilling to engage and getting in the way of solutions. You pointing those things out to him is calling him out on it, that's not being vile and abusive. I'm sure you said it in a more angry way than was optimal, but if this is the worst of what you said I must fundamentally disagree with you that you were verbally abusive.