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Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 03/07/2023 04:03

He wants to do this because to him, you are just a set of orifices that are there for his gratification. If one is out of action, use the other...

How does he know what to do to avoid hurting you?

MissTrip82 · 03/07/2023 04:21

MaydinEssex · 02/07/2023 23:38

It's still unnatural though isn't it?

Show quote history

This is a very odd thing to say unless you are a roaring homophobe. Are you?

OP agree with others, not the time to pursue this. And if you simply don’t want to, then it’s never the time to pursue it.

Catsmere · 03/07/2023 04:31

RudsyFarmer · 02/07/2023 23:16

I would you go with the ‘you first’ adage and get yourself a strap on
dildo. As long as he is happy with it then i’m good to go.

Not comparable, because men have the prostate gland and stimulating that can give them pleasure. Women don't. Plus the anus is very delicate and doesn't self-lubricate; the likelihood of pain, tears and infection is far higher than with vaginal intercourse, even if the manis careful.

OP, make that a hard NO, and not just while you're recovering. Intimacy? He's not after intimacy, he's after fucking. And just because he's being a PoS doesn't mean he should take up residence in your anus.

RenegadeMasterx · 03/07/2023 04:36

Firstly don't let him guilt trip you. 6 months isn't much in terms of healing birth trauma and tears!!!

Secondly, if you aren't comfortable with anal, then it's a hard NO and stick to your guns. It's something I've done maybe 3 times, and I'll be entirely honest it's for the man's pleasure only, it fucking kills, there isn't a single bit of enjoyment for me and I fail to see how there is for any woman it is horrendous. Don't be emotionally blackmailed, it's clearly a fetish or something he wants to try but any real partner would be more sympathetic to what you've gone through and are healing from. Men are pigs x

RenegadeMasterx · 03/07/2023 04:37

Ps. It absolutely will not help your intimacy, not even slightly, anal isn't intimate it's painful, weird and uncomfortable. There's no way you can be intimate whilst having your arse pummelled.

daisychain01 · 03/07/2023 04:40

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP seriously, think bigger picture here, this is a man who wants to violate you for his own gratification when he knows you've just had a traumatic birth.

Forget the act itself and think to yourself - is this the sign of someone who really loves and cares about you?

CapEBarra · 03/07/2023 05:03

If he hasn’t mentioned it once in 17 years how can he be an expert on it all of a sudden?

Hungryfrogs23 · 03/07/2023 05:10

If it is something you actually want, then fine. But it doesn't sound like you do. Also, a 3rd, nearly 4th degree tear will have affected your back passage as well as your perineum which will make anal sex even more painful than it would usually be. I'd steer well clear personally.

Southoftheriver32 · 03/07/2023 05:31

My God…it never ceases to amaze me how some women put up with complete drop kicks for husbands.

I’m surprised you have to ask if this is ok.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/07/2023 05:33

I am not averse to bum fun.. but..

No, I highly doubt he knows what to do and unless being terrified is a turn on for you, chances are even without all the other factors, this is going to hurt, he does not know what to do, and you are certainly not going to enjoy it.

Find something else to do that doesn't involve your relatively recently traumatised genitals... like fingering his ass and pegging him with a dildo :)

Dalekjastninerels · 03/07/2023 05:56

Well he is the one with the prostate; so obviously he means buying a strap on and some lube.

Otherwise it would feel like I constipated poo 💩

But seriously what is more important to him OP you or sex? He can orgasm with a handjob either alone or with you; so he is VMBU.

UniversalAunt · 03/07/2023 06:01

You’ve been together 17 years since you were very young?

Well, you are now at the time of your lives when the demanding adult stuff takes place: childbirth, babies & more. This is when you find out what people are made of, how decent & kind they fundamentally are, how they care about you ‘in sickness & in health’.

You have sustained major injuries in childbirth & have pps have pointed out the extent & degree of your tears include the area around your anus. FFS you are off the idea of everyday vaginal sex, why would anal be a credible option?

Do not excuse or pander his insensitive selfish comments or interests because you have been together so long (sunk costs etc), it is right now that you are finding out the mettle of the man & he is looking to be a dud.

Suggest that he goes first, you can get someone in for the pegging so that you may watch. After all, if he can have kinks, so can you 😉. That said, if he likes that idea, then you are really getting to know him.

moneymatr · 03/07/2023 06:31

Anal is great for two adults who enjoy a healthy sex life. That's not the case here. You and your dh would be better focusing on intimacy and connection with the aim being that you feel more comfortable rather than him sticking his penis in something.

Back2front · 03/07/2023 06:33

You've got bigger problems than trying anal

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2023 06:39

It’s quite suspicious that he suddenly wants to do anal when it’s not been a regular part of your sex life before. He just thinks of you as a series of holes, if one doesn’t work then let’s try another one! Don’t agree to anything you don’t want to do or feel comfortable with

Alleycat1 · 03/07/2023 06:48

@FluffyFlannery Agree 100%

guineacup · 03/07/2023 06:51

@Mmhmmn

I think I'd ask mine to move to outer space if he'd suggested that (which he wouldn't have and never will).

The OP's DH is clearly being highly insensitive given her birth injuries, but what is it with some of these extreme posts saying they'd make their partners move out for merely suggesting anal?!

As a man, I've never suggested it (I don't really like it - i'm worried I'm going to hurt the woman as it feels too tight)... The times I have had anal it's because the woman has suggested it (obviously not in the OP's circumstances)... Making out as though anal sex is something that only exists because men watch extreme porn is plain wrong (though it may have led to some men thinking it's more the norm than it is).

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 06:51

C1N1C · 03/07/2023 03:11

Lots of people jumping to extremes in here.

Simple answer is, if you miss sex and are open to trying, by all means give it a go, just don't feel pressured. He's not being pushy by the sounds of it, simply testing the water.

It's hard to know after surgery, trauma, or any event when to brooch a topic like reigniting a sex life. He has simply made an enquiry and suggested an alternative if you're worried, that's all.

You feel good urging someone to do something they don’t want to do?

What’s in that for you exactly……………….?

Sweetener12 · 03/07/2023 06:53

You don't have to if you don't want to, period.

swimminginthesun · 03/07/2023 06:53

Show him a diagram of 3rd and 4th degree tears. Maybe when he sees how close to the anus your birthing injury was he will see why this may not be the best idea…

guineacup · 03/07/2023 06:54

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2023 06:39

It’s quite suspicious that he suddenly wants to do anal when it’s not been a regular part of your sex life before. He just thinks of you as a series of holes, if one doesn’t work then let’s try another one! Don’t agree to anything you don’t want to do or feel comfortable with

What should the OP be suspicious of?

It's obvious he just wants sex after 6 months without (which in itself is normal), and this is a suggestion from him as to how that might happen, albeit an insensitive one given the OP's circumstances.

Kennahevabescut · 03/07/2023 06:56

God blokes are just stupid dirty buggers.

Literally.

Just say no unless YOU actively want to. You do not exist to fulfill his porn fuelled fantasy.

Kennahevabescut · 03/07/2023 06:59

what is it with some of these extreme posts saying they'd make their partners move out for merely suggesting anal?! As a man, I've never suggested it (I don't really like it - i'm worried I'm going to hurt the woman as it feels too tight)

Its because it regularly DOES do damage and its fucking gross, that's why. It's literally where shit comes out!

My husband would get walking papers if he serious suggested this, no joke.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 03/07/2023 07:02

Gowlett · 02/07/2023 23:29

Look, he’s just missing intimacy.
So, he’s made a silly suggestion.
I don’t think he’s pressuring?
Say no. You don’t fancy any sex.

He's made a suggestion with NO thought to the extreme discomfort OP is in involving an act which could cause even more pain. A midwife has posted to say such

Clearly his need for intimacy totally overrides his partners needs right now. Selfish Twat

Agree with others OP maybe offer to peg him and see how much he likes that for intimacy first.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 03/07/2023 07:06

LuvSmallDogs · 02/07/2023 23:56

Anyone else think it's funny (not haha funny) that the bloke's bright idea for getting intimacy going again doesn't involve something gentle, non-penetrative and pleasurable for OP (cough, clitoris, cough)?

Nah, just chuck her in at the deep end with something we haven't tried before, that a lot of women are nervous to try anyway, that is incredibly unlikely to make her come and might hurt her or embarrass her if it's not as "clean" as it is in porn.

The man has all the sensitivity of a brick to the face.

Quite

Funny how intimacy is always about his orgasm first Confused