Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 03/07/2023 01:29

Minime88888888 · 02/07/2023 23:26

I would be devastated if my husband wanted to do this to me.

I'd ask him to move into the spare room.

I think I'd ask mine to move to outer space if he'd suggested that (which he wouldn't have and never will).

Sorry. Your DH sounds selfish and horrible.

Mmhmmn · 03/07/2023 01:31

Zerrin13 · 02/07/2023 23:29

Ask him he would like a hard object forced into his arsehole

This.

Nussbaum · 03/07/2023 01:34

He wants to try anal? Fantastic. Make sure the strap on that you buy is the biggest you can find, a dab of KY and tell him to bend over. He'll love it honest.
You may have to have your bedroom ceiling replastered once you've peeled him off it, but hey ho.
Is he secretly gay I wonder 🤔 This is a question I would have to be asking him.

YukoandHiro · 03/07/2023 01:37

ILoveMyCaravan · 02/07/2023 23:17

Anal is likely to hurt more and cause more damage than penetrative vaginal sex if you've had a 3rd or 4th degree tear!

He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

He's an insensitive, selfish bastard for suggesting that.

This. Entirely.

Bromptotoo · 03/07/2023 01:41

Mmhmmn · 03/07/2023 01:29

I think I'd ask mine to move to outer space if he'd suggested that (which he wouldn't have and never will).

Sorry. Your DH sounds selfish and horrible.

Show quote history

Alpha Centauri would be way too close....

SplendidUtterly · 03/07/2023 01:48

He's been watching way too much porn OP.
You should offer him a good hard pegging like some other posters here have mentioned. Tell him not to worry and it won't hurt because you know what you are doing😁

AmIbeingTreasonable · 03/07/2023 01:55

DemonicCaveMaggot · 02/07/2023 23:04

I would suggest buying a strap on and tell him he can try it first and then tell you what its like. Then tell him you aren't going to do it.

This^^ many many many times over.
Alternatively just say no. I can't imagine the lack of empathy he must have to think suggesting this is a good idea.

ChellyT · 03/07/2023 01:59

RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 23:02

Say on the condition that you get to peg him in return! Lol

Absolutely this BUT you get to peg him first and then maybe and only if you are 100% on board with it you can CONSIDER anal.

After child birth care mentally, emotionally and physically should be your main concern not your husband's sexual needs. Please look after yourself and do not feel pressured into anything you are not comfortable with.

ClaraBourne · 03/07/2023 02:00

Bring home the biggest cucumber you can find and suggest he shows you how it is done by putting it up his arse.

ChellyT · 03/07/2023 02:00

AmIbeingTreasonable · 03/07/2023 01:55

This^^ many many many times over.
Alternatively just say no. I can't imagine the lack of empathy he must have to think suggesting this is a good idea.

Show quote history

Yes to all suggesting pegging him first and going from there!

Tyrionapproach · 03/07/2023 02:12

Does he want you back in hospital again?? He's an idiot, frankly.

Never mind diagrams, I'm fairly sure there'll be some pretty graphic videos and photos knocking around YouTube or elsewhere that can show him exactly what those tears look like.

I'll be glad when this stupid anal obsession dies down and men will be happy with vanilla sex again. Any clinician will be able to explain the higher risks and damage anal holds for women. If I did still date men I'd definitely be asking anyone who asked to try this if they were secretly gay. It's one of the many reasons I now live with a woman.

Don't let him pressurise you into this.

MrsRachelDanvers · 03/07/2023 02:32

If it’s not something you want to do say no. I would’ve been quite hurt if my dh had suggested it ‘for intimacy’-what a joke and disappointed in him. Whatever he says, it’s definitely niche so don’t think that everyone’s doing it. If it’s something which turns you on, that’s different but to do something which is potentially painful and something to be endured so he can have an orgasm, no, no, no.

Groutyonehereagain · 03/07/2023 02:36

After a traumatic birth you need to heal physically and mentally. Anal sex is definitely not the way to go, to achieve healing. I’m so sorry your DH is such an insensitive twat. 💐

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 02:38

guineacup · 03/07/2023 00:11

I can only assume, therefore, that it’s a ‘treat’ you dole out for him, and that the reason you don’t do it more often, is because you don’t, genuinely, actually enjoy it all that much.

By this logic, men shouldn't go down on women...

I think you need to go back and re-read my post.

Do men describe going down on women as a ‘treat’ (ick word, BTW)? And are they referring to it as a ‘treat’ for themselves, as implied by the poster I was questioning?

In any case, no-one should do anything they don’t want to do…

sausage767 · 03/07/2023 02:44

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 23:00

Porn, in a word. That's what will have inspired that ittle fantasy.
And it almost certainly will hurt.

This.

It hurts like, well.. buggery.

porridgeisbae · 03/07/2023 02:48

I tried it sometimes and sometimes it hurt, other times it didn't.

But I wouldn't do it again now. Not romantic and would make me feel ugly.

OP I would be concerned that with a major tear, it mightn't be safe for you to do.

MintyAraminta · 03/07/2023 02:54

No. not insecure.
It is shit. Literally, lol.
We can be fully sensitive and sensual women without porn led shite.

I wonder how many women actually like this crap. Imagine a world led by you, not the mainstream bullshit where you are giving even the slightest fuck what some guy thinks. At the grand old age of 50 i can say fuck that!

MintyAraminta · 03/07/2023 02:59

And sadly, once you have mored yourself with a child there is less of an escape hatch isnt there? Women will keep on getting impregnated by assholes, due to fear of being alone and financial insecurity - hey ho to equality.

Imagine yourself in control, fully in control of your life, i bet you wouldnt have given up your freedom to be your true self for motherhood.

C1N1C · 03/07/2023 03:11

Lots of people jumping to extremes in here.

Simple answer is, if you miss sex and are open to trying, by all means give it a go, just don't feel pressured. He's not being pushy by the sounds of it, simply testing the water.

It's hard to know after surgery, trauma, or any event when to brooch a topic like reigniting a sex life. He has simply made an enquiry and suggested an alternative if you're worried, that's all.

Groutyonehereagain · 03/07/2023 03:20

C1N1C · 03/07/2023 03:11

Lots of people jumping to extremes in here.

Simple answer is, if you miss sex and are open to trying, by all means give it a go, just don't feel pressured. He's not being pushy by the sounds of it, simply testing the water.

It's hard to know after surgery, trauma, or any event when to brooch a topic like reigniting a sex life. He has simply made an enquiry and suggested an alternative if you're worried, that's all.

After a traumatic birth, trying anal is the very last thing I wanted to do. As I recovered I wanted only a gentle feel with very gentle fingers. The very idea of anal after a traumatic birth is horrific.

marshmallowfinder · 03/07/2023 03:26

C1N1C · 03/07/2023 03:11

Lots of people jumping to extremes in here.

Simple answer is, if you miss sex and are open to trying, by all means give it a go, just don't feel pressured. He's not being pushy by the sounds of it, simply testing the water.

It's hard to know after surgery, trauma, or any event when to brooch a topic like reigniting a sex life. He has simply made an enquiry and suggested an alternative if you're worried, that's all.

A midwife has commented above and does not advise 'give it a go' at all.

DoughnutDreams · 03/07/2023 03:28

Fluffyrug191 · 02/07/2023 23:09

Midwife here ... A 3rd/4th degree tear is one to the muscles around your rectum. Anal is not going to be 'better' or more comfortable in relation to the trauma you sustained. Hard no from me!

Yet man who knows nothing of anatomy assures it will be fine as, "he knows what he's doing" ...

HamBone · 03/07/2023 03:32

I had a third degree tear having my DD and when I wasn’t ready for vaginal sex, oral was the alternative. There’s no way I would’ve agreed to anal, the entire area is healing.

If you don’t feel that you’ve healed well, it might be worth asking for a checkup.

StandingMyGround888 · 03/07/2023 03:34

Do you have sex drive at the moment? You may like it, you may not. I personally like it very much and know other women who do too. If you have sex drive and might consider it, make sure there's wine and lots of foreplay involved. It doesn't hurt when you do it properly and sensitively.

FluffyFlannery · 03/07/2023 03:36

Any man who suggests this degrading act is not a man. How disgusting. As for the flamers, I really don’t care. Talk about the degradation of society where this has become mainstream. I’m appalled.