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Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
Mama678 · 03/07/2023 10:11

Plus, you have every reason to say no and to not engage in any sexual activity atm what with just given birth. Youre tired and hormonal. Your priorities are looking after baby and sleeping! Tell him to FO until you are ready. Men really are the pits if they cant get their nob seeing to, really shows who they are instead of outting you first

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:14

I think we're past oppressing women's sexuality these days.

That's funny cause I see the rise of anal sex and its move from gay mens sexual activity/(usually coerced) sex worker activity across to mainstream heterosexual sexual activity (hugely influenced by porn, an industry with gigantic problems for the women who work in it, willingly or not) to be a sign that womens sexuality is being exploited and subverted and oppressed possibly more than ever before.

brunettemic · 03/07/2023 10:15

It’s not definitely a porn influence but don’t do it if you don’t want to, I’ve tried it and it’s not for me.

maybe quid pro quo…if you decide you’re willing to do anal then you get to peg him.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 10:16

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:14

I think we're past oppressing women's sexuality these days.

That's funny cause I see the rise of anal sex and its move from gay mens sexual activity/(usually coerced) sex worker activity across to mainstream heterosexual sexual activity (hugely influenced by porn, an industry with gigantic problems for the women who work in it, willingly or not) to be a sign that womens sexuality is being exploited and subverted and oppressed possibly more than ever before.

100% this.

Trying to convince women they should be having sex they don’t want is the very definition of suppressing women’s sexuality.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:17

It's not an indication that womens sexuality is being freed and respected when very young women are being pressured to do anal sex on their first relationships, where porn actresses are under intense pressure to do anal sex to make money equal to other actresses, when a male love island contestant can say to a female one "I'd do you in all 3 holes" and she titters and giggles in response (and it's not deleted).

None of this is liberation, it's just the latest form of exploitation.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 10:19

You think it’s empowering to have anal?

It’s far more empowering to say no to it, when (not if) you don’t want it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:20

Men really are the pits if they cant get their nob seeing to, really shows who they are instead of outting you first

"Men".

It's not men.

My partner put zero pressure on me to have sex for ages after having a baby. He knew I was fked from sleep deprivation, and stuck in a cycle of bottle making, bottle feeding, colic soothing, nappy changing, ....aside from anything else.

And lots of women have reported similar on here.

He can masturbate.

It's not men ... It's a certain type of man.

ElmTree22 · 03/07/2023 10:21

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:03

But people who don't have an issue with it, and do enjoy it shouldn't be be made to feel disgusting and ashamed for exploring healthy sexual activity

Anal sex is not actually healthy sexual activity - it has greater risks than vaginal or oral sex.

Risks to women more than men who do it (as recipients). See the article above.

Maybe what I should have written is it's healthy to explore sexual activities, and people shouldn't feel ashamed for doing so.

That article is interesting. It's positive to educate people on the sexual acts they may or may not participate in. However my particular view point on the act hasn't changed.

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 10:24

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 10:08

But people who don't have an issue with it, and do enjoy it shouldn't be be made to feel disgusting and ashamed for exploring healthy sexual activity. I think we're past oppressing women's sexuality these days.

Sorry, but anal sex is not healthy sexual activity for women. That’s an inconvenient truth for you, but there it is.

So you’ve told @ElmTree22 they aren’t allowed to tell people what is / isn’t okay and now you are literally doing exactly the same thing with this comment 🤔

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:25

it's healthy to explore sexual activities

It's only healthy if they really truly want to, and are not being influenced to do so by porn, media, men who want & benefit more from those activities etc etc. If they fully understand the risks and downsides for them.

Most women would not be aware of the facts in the article you described as "interesting" but which has not changed your approach to anal sex. It's only becoming acknowledged and reported by medical professionals (both women incidentally) since it's become more mainstream and they've bothered to actually make a statement about it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:26

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 10:24

So you’ve told @ElmTree22 they aren’t allowed to tell people what is / isn’t okay and now you are literally doing exactly the same thing with this comment 🤔

Show quote history

The first posted was expressing her opinion.

This poster is citing facts.

I have linked one article with medical professionals stating those facts.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:27

*poster

Mama678 · 03/07/2023 10:28

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:20

Men really are the pits if they cant get their nob seeing to, really shows who they are instead of outting you first

"Men".

It's not men.

My partner put zero pressure on me to have sex for ages after having a baby. He knew I was fked from sleep deprivation, and stuck in a cycle of bottle making, bottle feeding, colic soothing, nappy changing, ....aside from anything else.

And lots of women have reported similar on here.

He can masturbate.

It's not men ... It's a certain type of man.

Certain type of med was what i was referring to not all men, apologies!

Mama678 · 03/07/2023 10:28

*men!

ElmTree22 · 03/07/2023 10:28

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 10:19

You think it’s empowering to have anal?

It’s far more empowering to say no to it, when (not if) you don’t want it.

I think it's empowering to allow women to do whatever they please with their bodies. But maybe I'm wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:28

brunettemic · 03/07/2023 10:15

It’s not definitely a porn influence but don’t do it if you don’t want to, I’ve tried it and it’s not for me.

maybe quid pro quo…if you decide you’re willing to do anal then you get to peg him.

She probably doesn't want to peg him!

She shouldn't have to do something she doesn't want to do, in order to get a reciprocal activity that she also- doesn't want to do.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:31

ElmTree22 · 03/07/2023 10:28

I think it's empowering to allow women to do whatever they please with their bodies. But maybe I'm wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Whatever they please, isn't whatever they please a lot of the time though, is it.

The decision to do anal sex doesn't happen in a vacuum.

I really don't see anal sex being driven by women and their ideas/motivations/preferences/porn watching etc. More like men's.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:32

Mama678 · 03/07/2023 10:28

Certain type of med was what i was referring to not all men, apologies!

Show quote history

No worries x

ElmTree22 · 03/07/2023 10:35

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:25

it's healthy to explore sexual activities

It's only healthy if they really truly want to, and are not being influenced to do so by porn, media, men who want & benefit more from those activities etc etc. If they fully understand the risks and downsides for them.

Most women would not be aware of the facts in the article you described as "interesting" but which has not changed your approach to anal sex. It's only becoming acknowledged and reported by medical professionals (both women incidentally) since it's become more mainstream and they've bothered to actually make a statement about it.

I agree, people should absolutely partake in these activities only if they truly want too. But you can't assume that everyone is being influenced by outside forces or coerced by their partners. It's simply not to case for some people.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:36

BogTrollAtLarge · 03/07/2023 08:42

@Esmejane81 it doesn’t sound like he is trying to reconnect, it sounds like he thinks the op is a multi functional sex doll who owes him a hole.

Show quote history

In a nut shell.

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 10:38

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:31

Whatever they please, isn't whatever they please a lot of the time though, is it.

The decision to do anal sex doesn't happen in a vacuum.

I really don't see anal sex being driven by women and their ideas/motivations/preferences/porn watching etc. More like men's.

Show quote history

You’re making an assumption it’s driven by men, I disagree. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush.

There are women who initiate it. I’m sure there are many men that don’t enjoy it or want to try it.

it’s an individual thing.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:38

But you can't assume that everyone is being influenced by outside forces or coerced by their partners. It's simply not to case for some people.

And you can't assume they not.

In this thread, it is the man's idea/want ... When the female op is recovering from birth injuries and had a young baby and is vulnerable.

So you should respond based on this scenario in this thread, not push your own agenda because you do anal sex.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/07/2023 10:39

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 10:38

You’re making an assumption it’s driven by men, I disagree. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush.

There are women who initiate it. I’m sure there are many men that don’t enjoy it or want to try it.

it’s an individual thing.

Show quote history

That's not even remotely near 50-50 and you know it.

ElmTree22 · 03/07/2023 10:39

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 10:19

You think it’s empowering to have anal?

It’s far more empowering to say no to it, when (not if) you don’t want it.

Also I'd like to state at no point have I said that women should partake in anal sex when they don't want to. Quite the opposite actually. I'm not even sure why you've said that.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 10:42

ElmTree22 · 03/07/2023 10:39

Also I'd like to state at no point have I said that women should partake in anal sex when they don't want to. Quite the opposite actually. I'm not even sure why you've said that.

Show quote history

I didn’t quote anyone in that post.

Slight arrogant/bizarre that you think I’m referring to you…………………………..?

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