Husband wants to try anal

[Somethingdiferent]

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

Im sharing the details because:

A - I had a similar tear and horrible birth with my first child so understand the concern regarding having sex again

B - Anal sex isn’t just a male thing or porn as suggested on here. Females can and do enjoy it. But like any sexual experience with your partner you should discuss it and decide if it’s for you or not.

C - Relationships are multifaceted and open communication and intimacy are important.

Hope that clarifies.

OP this isn't someone who wants to build intimacy, this is someone who wants a shag and any hole will do. If he wanted to build intimacy he'd be suggesting gentle, loving things - not flipping you over and taking you up the arse.

He says he knows what he's doing - well where do you think he's 'learnt' what to do. I doubt he's been reading tomes on female pleasure after child birth. No, more likely his 'research' is all from porn.

I enjoy a bit of anal play, a finger, a bullet vibe - but something the size of a cock is not in the least bit pleasurable to me. It's too big, too hard and no matter how much lube and preparation I just don't enjoy it. It's certainly not something I would recommend in any way to build intimacy or to do after a bad childbirth tear. I had a 2nd, almost 3rd degree and it took time for things to get back to normal, I certainly spent a lot of time pleasing myself before I let my OH anywhere near.

Please don't think this is a you problem - this is a him problem. If he says it's intimacy he wants then why don't you suggest ways to build it - non sexual massage, cuddling, kissing, and him doing whatever you need to give you a bit of a break so you have the head space for him.

Virtually all of us have some sort of traumatic birth story to share - this is MN, most of us are mothers, and tears are a dime a dozen for many of us.

We know.

And loads of us are in successful, long term relationships. We know what they take to function well.

Thanks so much for your searing insights though - much appreciated.

@Esmejane81 I don't buy it. OP's husband hasn't started with asking her how she's feeling, how he can understand or help her recovery.

He hasn't asked if she'd be up for him rubbing her feet, or going down on her. It all smacks of 'any hole's a goal'.

Absolutely my experience too

Those all for anal ... fair play if it's for you

But do you really think he's suggesting this because he wants to reconnect? For intimacy? Suggesting anal when OP is recovering from a birth injury affecting that part of her body?

ThIs to me sounds the opposite to f someone who genuinely wants intimacy and to reconnect with the woman he loves who has just had a traumatic experience birthing his child.

It's all about his orgasm. As always.

And we know this how? Because ultimately all we have insight into is one question he has asked (rather clumsily admittedly)

That doesn’t mean he hasn’t done anything else or addressed it another way.

@Somethingdiferent

It sounds as if you're both struggling with the lack of intimacy, which is understandable after children, let alone after a traumatic birth.

Anal sex, contrary to what some other posters may believe (I'm not going to get started on them 🙄), is not disgusting or offensive and it can definitely be painless and enjoyable in the right circumstances. I believe you must be in a confident place, sexually, and feeling comfortable with the intimacy you and your dh share before engaging in it. It definitely isn't a place to start in order to kick start your sex life. It's something to explore together when you want to improve your already established sex life.

And I wouldn't say your dh is porn obsessed or there is anything dodgy going on with him. It seems as though he's wondered whether you would be interested in it since you've simply told him vaginal sex is an uncomfortable thought. MNers are so quick to through around that a man is disgusting or disrespectful. Frankly this sounds like a conversation you've both been having and he's just thrown it out there to see what you think. As it's clearly bothering you both, for whatever reason.

You've had a baby and an awful experience with birth. You need to give yourself some more time and patience. And ask the same from him, you will know when you feel ready. Took me 3/4 months and that was with a 2nd degree episiotomy.

Sorry @ElmTree22, but you don’t get to tell people what they find disgusting and/or offensive.

And if you have to add ‘in the right circumstances’ after something you’ve asserted, then you’ve just negated your own point.

Oh no god forbid someone talks about sex 😱

How is saying anal sex is disgusting homophobic? Homophobic is treating gay people differently and not allowing them
the rights and freedoms anyone else enjoys. Feeling ewww on a particular sex act isn’t anything-just that you don’t like it.

Why not just eat a vindaloo with extra birds eye chillis; you'll get the same delightful 'feel like I've had a raging dose of the runs and like my anus/rectum is on fire" effect.

Though that won't give you the risk of damage and faecal incontinence in future, I suppose. It's now being discussed by medical professionals that anal sex has much more potentially damaging long-term effects on women's bodies and continence than mens. If I find an article, I'll link it.

I used to joke "what's the nicest thing about anal?" ..." When it stops".

I've tried it when young out of curiosity with both my husband's (I'm not polygamous, just divorced) and you literally couldn't pay me to do it. And those were relaxed, trusting situations.

It's an out hole for shit. No g spot, no nice feelings.At best its 'meh".

Mens fixation on anal is pretty much never for the pleasure or benefit of women. It's about a new/different hole for them to fuck. End of.

It's also porn motivated.

If anyone asked me, if tell him of course I will - after he has it done to him with a big strap on. After all, men have prostate glands etc etc.

Did someone say that??

Lol, the weird and whacky illogic & irrelevant craziness on MN never stops.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

Honestly OP his attitude is repulsive, tell him you need to reevaluate your relationship as he’s such a selfish, thoughtless prick.

The most relevant section;

However, women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from it than men. “Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.
“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.
“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential

Oh okay, I see. I can't say that, but the people who are happily telling op that it's disgusting and painful, that's okay?
I was merely pointing out my opinion on the matter. Which may help op to hear another person's perspective. If you have a problem with anal sex, that's fine. But people who don't have an issue with it, and do enjoy it shouldn't be be made to feel disgusting and ashamed for exploring healthy sexual activity. I think we're past oppressing women's sexuality these days.

As for "in the right circumstances" (I think I made my point quite clear in the following sentences, but I'll reiterate) as with any kind of sexual act, it's important to be in a positive sexual mindset, this is limited to anal activities. In ops case she clearly isn't, which is why I said it can be an enjoyable experience, if she were in a more confident sexual place with her dh. Also why I suggested she take some more time with all sexual acts, as she doesn't seem ready which will only lead to an uncomfortable experience.

I haven't rtft .... It really sounds like his attitude is 'that hole is out of action, so I'm going to fuck the other hole (the one thats not evolved in any way for sex) until it's back in action". He sounds like a delightful, caring, unselfish, empathetic, respectful, sweet person.

It's nice that he thinks of women as sex dolls - including those who've carried and birthed his children.

This isn't limited to anal activities.

But people who don't have an issue with it, and do enjoy it shouldn't be be made to feel disgusting and ashamed for exploring healthy sexual activity

Anal sex is not actually healthy sexual activity - it has greater risks than vaginal or oral sex.

Risks to women more than men who do it (as recipients). See the article above.

Also .... He sounds incredibly penetration fixated; if your partner has birth injuries, you could both indulge in two way oral and manual activities to orgasm. If you cared about someone and wanted to give them pleasure as well as yourself. But all he's about is sticking his dick in an orifice and presumably his orgasm I'd the priority.

I’m going to repeat your own words back to you. You said, and I quote:

”Anal sex, contrary to what some other posters may believe (I'm not going to get started on them 🙄), is not disgusting or offensive”

Who are you, to speak for anyone? You don’t get to tell people what is, or isn’t, disgusting and/or offensive.

Just because its a different hole (which will be painful), its still in an area which is healing. Dont go there if youre not 💯 comfortable. Tell him to use his hand ffs

But people who don't have an issue with it, and do enjoy it shouldn't be be made to feel disgusting and ashamed for exploring healthy sexual activity. I think we're past oppressing women's sexuality these days.

Sorry, but anal sex is not healthy sexual activity for women. That’s an inconvenient truth for you, but there it is.

But people who don't have an issue with it, and do enjoy it shouldn't be be made to feel disgusting and ashamed for exploring healthy sexual activity. I think we're past oppressing women's sexuality these days.

If someone can make you feel disgusted or ashamed for something you’re doing, I’d suggest that maybe you aren’t so happy with it as you say you are.

There’s nothing anyone could say that would make me feel negatively about any of my life choices.