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Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
Evaka · 03/07/2023 08:04

RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 23:02

Say on the condition that you get to peg him in return! Lol

This, a million times this. Please OP, tell him to literally stick it up his own arse. What an inconsiderate creep.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 08:08

There is something beyond pathetic about men coming on Mumsnet, of all Godforsaken places, to tell women off about sex.

Post-birth.

Utterly pathetic.

If you were in any doubt about whether or not you might have failed at life - doing this ^^ proves without a shadow of a doubt that you have.

ReachForTheMars · 03/07/2023 08:12

I did laugh at his assurance that he knows what to do and his stupidity to suggest it might bring you closer at a time when your body is fragile and anal is not a movie-making sex.

I think he has inappropriately seen this as an opportunity to do something he has always wanted to.

But I think it's the wrong time in your relationship and he has been a bit of a pig to suggest it now when you are vulnerable and wanting to restore intimacy after a lot of changes to your body.

My advice to you is to say no and wait until you are properly back into the swing of things and there is no pressure. No good will come from doing something ambivalently in the bedroom.

Sex life will come back. If you dont feel secure that will

  1. Not pressure you.
  2. Go elsewhere.

Then you have bigger problems and that is very sad that at a time in your life when you feel most vulnerable, you arent being looked after and card for.

onwardsup4 · 03/07/2023 08:13

RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 23:02

Say on the condition that you get to peg him in return! Lol

This.

eastegg · 03/07/2023 08:14

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 07:57

Oh please - stop it with your silencing women.

This thread is about a WOMAN being pressured into having anal sex. Post-birth. Other women are replying. The thought of anal sex is utterly grim and repellant for many of us, and that’s OK.

It’s got sweet FA to do with what consenting gay men might do in the bedroom, wholly unrelated to post-birth sex (FFS).

What are you getting out of being on here telling us off??

Show quote history

Well said.

Naunet · 03/07/2023 08:14

guineacup · 03/07/2023 07:41

The anatomy of the male rectum isn't very, very, different to the female rectum.

It's fine to dislike anal, hate it even. I'm a man and I don't like it! You don't need to make up stuff to justify it.

Show quote history

It is different actually, we don’t have a prostrate for a start. Look it up.

ReachForTheMars · 03/07/2023 08:16

ReachForTheMars · 03/07/2023 08:12

I did laugh at his assurance that he knows what to do and his stupidity to suggest it might bring you closer at a time when your body is fragile and anal is not a movie-making sex.

I think he has inappropriately seen this as an opportunity to do something he has always wanted to.

But I think it's the wrong time in your relationship and he has been a bit of a pig to suggest it now when you are vulnerable and wanting to restore intimacy after a lot of changes to your body.

My advice to you is to say no and wait until you are properly back into the swing of things and there is no pressure. No good will come from doing something ambivalently in the bedroom.

Sex life will come back. If you dont feel secure that will

  1. Not pressure you.
  2. Go elsewhere.

Then you have bigger problems and that is very sad that at a time in your life when you feel most vulnerable, you arent being looked after and card for.

I obviously meant "love-making" not "movie-making" 😂

Groutyonehereagain · 03/07/2023 08:22

BogTrollAtLarge · 03/07/2023 07:49

@guineacup what is it with accusations of homophobia?! Neither @MaydinEssex or @Kennahevabescut are being homophobic.

They are just pointing out that the anus/rectum is designed for things to come out, not go in. It is unnatural physiologically to put things in it- same as for the urethra for example, or tear ducts or nostrils.

That doesn’t make it immoral or bad 🤷‍♀️ it’s just a fact. And anyone is allowed to find any sex acts gross- especially ones which are likely to have cross over with faeces.

Show quote history

Yep! 👏

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 08:23

Honestly I think people on here saying he’s a creep or inconsiderate are being a bit narrow minded. He has made a suggestion to have some intimacy back in the relationship, no one is being forced to do anything.

OP I had a third degree tear after my first child, have you tried gentle massage it may help improve the healing and recovery. I had sex about 2 months after, very slowly and gently of course but it was okay. Sometimes the fear of it is worse than the actual, I know it’s painful and uncomfortable but it will get better xx

Regarding anal, it isn’t a kink or perversion. I enjoy it a lot. I’ve had an open discussion with my boyfriend about it who wasn't bothered either way and so we do it…. My idea not his. We also have lots of other sex and he likes to make love to me, so the variation in our sex life is amazing.

in a relationship you should be able to communicate these things with your partner without judgement and sometimes you will agree to try things to see if they work for you as a couple.

the comments on this thread are judgemental and unhelpful. It sounds like he is trying to reconnect, if it’s not your thing or you don’t want to then just have a discussion with him about what you would like to do or try to reignite a physical connection as ultimately it is an important part of any relationship.

Catsmere · 03/07/2023 08:24

ReachForTheMars · 03/07/2023 08:16

I obviously meant "love-making" not "movie-making" 😂

Show quote history

Freudian slip, if he's been watching porn!

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 08:28

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 08:23

Honestly I think people on here saying he’s a creep or inconsiderate are being a bit narrow minded. He has made a suggestion to have some intimacy back in the relationship, no one is being forced to do anything.

OP I had a third degree tear after my first child, have you tried gentle massage it may help improve the healing and recovery. I had sex about 2 months after, very slowly and gently of course but it was okay. Sometimes the fear of it is worse than the actual, I know it’s painful and uncomfortable but it will get better xx

Regarding anal, it isn’t a kink or perversion. I enjoy it a lot. I’ve had an open discussion with my boyfriend about it who wasn't bothered either way and so we do it…. My idea not his. We also have lots of other sex and he likes to make love to me, so the variation in our sex life is amazing.

in a relationship you should be able to communicate these things with your partner without judgement and sometimes you will agree to try things to see if they work for you as a couple.

the comments on this thread are judgemental and unhelpful. It sounds like he is trying to reconnect, if it’s not your thing or you don’t want to then just have a discussion with him about what you would like to do or try to reignite a physical connection as ultimately it is an important part of any relationship.

Thanks so much for sharing details of your (who are you?!) sex life.

Relevance?

eandz13 · 03/07/2023 08:31

This reply has been deleted

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Groutyonehereagain · 03/07/2023 08:33

The comments on this thread are not judgemental @Esmejane81 . The comments are being expressed by any of us who had traumatic births. Along with vaginal trauma I also suffered with an anal fissure, for months after the birth. Quite frankly the very thought of anal horrifies me now and my son is 45.

Catsmere · 03/07/2023 08:35

Ah yes, when a woman objects to men telling women they're not allowed to be repelled by anal sex a man wants to impose on them, because that makes them "homophobic", she's a bitch. What a surprise.

Naunet · 03/07/2023 08:37

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 08:23

Honestly I think people on here saying he’s a creep or inconsiderate are being a bit narrow minded. He has made a suggestion to have some intimacy back in the relationship, no one is being forced to do anything.

OP I had a third degree tear after my first child, have you tried gentle massage it may help improve the healing and recovery. I had sex about 2 months after, very slowly and gently of course but it was okay. Sometimes the fear of it is worse than the actual, I know it’s painful and uncomfortable but it will get better xx

Regarding anal, it isn’t a kink or perversion. I enjoy it a lot. I’ve had an open discussion with my boyfriend about it who wasn't bothered either way and so we do it…. My idea not his. We also have lots of other sex and he likes to make love to me, so the variation in our sex life is amazing.

in a relationship you should be able to communicate these things with your partner without judgement and sometimes you will agree to try things to see if they work for you as a couple.

the comments on this thread are judgemental and unhelpful. It sounds like he is trying to reconnect, if it’s not your thing or you don’t want to then just have a discussion with him about what you would like to do or try to reignite a physical connection as ultimately it is an important part of any relationship.

Intimacy?!! 😂

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

If you think me picking up on people urging the OP to do something she quite obviously doesn’t want to do, makes me a ‘bitch’ (was that the word you used?), so be it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Happy to take that on.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 08:39

Thank you, @Catsmere 💐

Catsmere · 03/07/2023 08:42

You're welcome, @CrazyArmadilloLady!

eandz13 · 03/07/2023 08:42

This reply has been deleted

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BogTrollAtLarge · 03/07/2023 08:42

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 08:23

Honestly I think people on here saying he’s a creep or inconsiderate are being a bit narrow minded. He has made a suggestion to have some intimacy back in the relationship, no one is being forced to do anything.

OP I had a third degree tear after my first child, have you tried gentle massage it may help improve the healing and recovery. I had sex about 2 months after, very slowly and gently of course but it was okay. Sometimes the fear of it is worse than the actual, I know it’s painful and uncomfortable but it will get better xx

Regarding anal, it isn’t a kink or perversion. I enjoy it a lot. I’ve had an open discussion with my boyfriend about it who wasn't bothered either way and so we do it…. My idea not his. We also have lots of other sex and he likes to make love to me, so the variation in our sex life is amazing.

in a relationship you should be able to communicate these things with your partner without judgement and sometimes you will agree to try things to see if they work for you as a couple.

the comments on this thread are judgemental and unhelpful. It sounds like he is trying to reconnect, if it’s not your thing or you don’t want to then just have a discussion with him about what you would like to do or try to reignite a physical connection as ultimately it is an important part of any relationship.

@Esmejane81 it doesn’t sound like he is trying to reconnect, it sounds like he thinks the op is a multi functional sex doll who owes him a hole.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 08:45

This reply has been deleted

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There was absolutely no need to share details of her own sex life. Confused

Catsmere · 03/07/2023 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You think that isn't urging? OP doesn't want to. Whatever happened to "no is a complete sentence"?

Lachimolala · 03/07/2023 08:46

Esmejane81 · 03/07/2023 08:23

Honestly I think people on here saying he’s a creep or inconsiderate are being a bit narrow minded. He has made a suggestion to have some intimacy back in the relationship, no one is being forced to do anything.

OP I had a third degree tear after my first child, have you tried gentle massage it may help improve the healing and recovery. I had sex about 2 months after, very slowly and gently of course but it was okay. Sometimes the fear of it is worse than the actual, I know it’s painful and uncomfortable but it will get better xx

Regarding anal, it isn’t a kink or perversion. I enjoy it a lot. I’ve had an open discussion with my boyfriend about it who wasn't bothered either way and so we do it…. My idea not his. We also have lots of other sex and he likes to make love to me, so the variation in our sex life is amazing.

in a relationship you should be able to communicate these things with your partner without judgement and sometimes you will agree to try things to see if they work for you as a couple.

the comments on this thread are judgemental and unhelpful. It sounds like he is trying to reconnect, if it’s not your thing or you don’t want to then just have a discussion with him about what you would like to do or try to reignite a physical connection as ultimately it is an important part of any relationship.

Sex is not intimacy. Sex is a physical act, intimacy is emotion. It’s kindness, love, acceptance, understanding etc etc.

It’s not ‘seeing as your vagina is out of use can I stick it in your arse’.

MightEvenCallYouBaby · 03/07/2023 08:51

I’m always completely convinced that when posters use female usernames that they are definitely female. 🙃

‘Ladies’, just stop being so ‘narrow minded’. 🤔

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 08:54

MightEvenCallYouBaby · 03/07/2023 08:51

I’m always completely convinced that when posters use female usernames that they are definitely female. 🙃

‘Ladies’, just stop being so ‘narrow minded’. 🤔

But @MightEvenCallYouBaby - have you tried gentle massage…?

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