Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trigger warning...if you died would you want your partner to find someone else?

181 replies

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/07/2023 00:51

Genuine question. I understand this might be sensitive to some, but I am genuinely curious. If you passed away would you want your partner/bf/husband to move on and find someone else? Or would you want them to always hold a torch for you and only you?

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 15:49

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2023 15:22

This thread shows that many women think their man is an overgrown child who needs taking care of. Why won't a man enjoy being single like a woman would?

But the statistics back this up. On average, middle-aged men don't like being single. Middle-aged women do. The fact that so many men do seem to want to be looked after explains both sides of those statistics. If (like many MNers on the Relationships board) you are a woman who has spent years with a husband who expected you to look after him, the house and the children, it's hardly surprising you might not fancy signing up for the same arrangement with another one. My dh doesn't need looking after, I hasten to add.

I get that it's true. I just don't like it! 😆 A reminder of women being a mans servant. And I hope as time is going on that men are becoming more self sufficient, I certainly hear about many more younger men staying single.

FortyFacedFuckers · 02/07/2023 15:51

smilesup · 02/07/2023 00:58

100% I would want him to meet someone else and be happy. I would want him to leave it a good 2 years before he introduced the kids so that they didn't feel resentment towards the new woman. I also know he would only be long term with someone who treated the kids well. (He has a son from a previous relationship when we first met he made it very clear that DSS would always be his priority. As any decent father would. Made me fall even more in love and respect for him.)
My dad was brought up by a wonderful stepmother after his real mother was killed. I would always want my kids to have the same chance of a decent second parent.

This.. I would want him to meet someone else & more so I would want my DS to have a "mother figure"

MissChanandlerB0NG · 02/07/2023 15:52

As long as he finds a positive role model for my son it doesn't bother me.

PomegranateRose · 02/07/2023 15:53

Depends how old we are when I pop it, really. If some tragedy occurs and we aren't yet at, say, retirement age (so probably about our mid 70s the way our economy is going), then yes - but because I am petty I would like this to only be in the same sort of planotic company way my nan married another widow after she lost my granddad very young, in that they both wanted company but knew very much they would never love each other as they had their first spouses.

If I've had good innings and he'll have plenty of loving friends, family and pets for company as and when he wants it... Then no, he can pine for me for a few years until he catches me up! 😂

WtP · 02/07/2023 15:54

QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 15:47

@wtp and you are how a man should be.. self sufficient. To not need a partner but to have one if he wants one.

Thank you 😊
I try not to need anyone for anything other than love and affection.

My late mother was trying to give me some money as she felt guilty that she had given my sister a lot over the years & I said please don't.
She then said quite tersely "why do you always have to be so bloody independent" My reply was "Product of my parents I guess" she then said "Bugger you've got me there" 😂

QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 15:54

But then shouldn't women widowers try and find a positive dad role model for their children too? Instead of staying single.

Herbsandflowers · 02/07/2023 15:55

To be honest I wouldn’t mind if he found someone now 😂

Helenloveslee4eva · 02/07/2023 15:56

Like others I think I’d be fine alone but I think he needs to be allowed to do what is right for him if I’m not here.
would want to protect my money to go to the kids and make. Sure the dog is looked after though

minipie · 02/07/2023 15:57

Honestly? My ideal would be that he would find someone but once the DC are 18+. Which is about 10 years off.

I don’t think tween/teenage DC who have recently lost their mother would want a new woman in their life. I also would want DH to be focusing on the DC, not on a new relationship. But I wouldn’t want him alone forever.

minipie · 02/07/2023 16:00

I don’t think tween/teenage DC who have recently lost their mother would want a new woman in their life.

Correction - I don’t think mine would, of course it may be different for other DC.

TheLongpigs · 02/07/2023 16:01

TyneTeas · 02/07/2023 01:18

The very best thread EVER.

Lampzade · 02/07/2023 16:02

If I went first I would want dh to move on.
If dh went first I would be definitely open to finding another man for companionship.
I wouldn’t marry again or move in with another man though.

Dh and I hold our house as tenants in common. I would be worried that if we held it as joint tenants and I died he would will the house to his new wife. This could mean that our dcs could end up with nothing

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 16:11

TyneTeas · 02/07/2023 01:18

Oh how lovely! I hope they're all doing well 😍

daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 16:14

If it had been me who had dropped dead of a heart attack and not my DH1 I would have liked nothing more than for him to go on to live a happy fulfilling life if he found a new life partner.

People have such a blinkered and judgemental attitude to bereavement - I've read it on here many many times - how there's a set prescriptive duration of time for the person to grieve and if they don't then its because they're rushing to replace their deceased partner, and all sorts of very unsavoury assumptions and value judgements without them ever having gone through a life partner loss themselves.

I can't imagine anyone constraining their partner to make any decision in the event of death, least of all carrying a torch forever. They'd have to be sick in the head to think that way.

DRS1970 · 02/07/2023 16:18

Yes.

MynameMyname · 02/07/2023 16:29

Yes but not straight after I had passed , a year at least . Plus the Grandchildren are not to call her Nanna . I'm their Nanna and always will be x

MynameMyname · 02/07/2023 16:31

Lampzade · 02/07/2023 16:02

If I went first I would want dh to move on.
If dh went first I would be definitely open to finding another man for companionship.
I wouldn’t marry again or move in with another man though.

Dh and I hold our house as tenants in common. I would be worried that if we held it as joint tenants and I died he would will the house to his new wife. This could mean that our dcs could end up with nothing

Make wills asap . Don't remarry .

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 16:45

I'd want him to find someone else and I've told him so.

He's 39 and our kids are 16 and 11. He's a great catch and the thought of him alone if i wasnt here anymore would upset me.

Ideally he'd wait til the youngest was slightly older, but I wouldn't want him only holding a torch for me for the rest of his life.

Hoppinggreen · 02/07/2023 16:47

No I would not.
Yes I know it’s awful but I just can’t stand the thought of it.
I would never say it IRL though as I know it’s pretty unreasonable

CosmosQueen · 02/07/2023 16:49

HighEndGrifters · 02/07/2023 00:56

Good luck to them, I love him dearly and he is almost house trained after 34 years.............. best of British breaking him in again. 😂

My exact thoughts….46 years and still not managed it!

CosmosQueen · 02/07/2023 16:50

Totaly · 02/07/2023 01:07

I would never marry again, or even be that interested in another man - it’s too much like hard work, however - I wouldn’t take his choice away if that’s what he wanted.

Nor me. I can’t imagine anything I’d less want to doM

Paperbagsaremine · 02/07/2023 16:52

allmyliesaretrue · 02/07/2023 00:53

I wouldn't care. I'd be dead.

This!
Being dead is very peaceful, you're not bothered about much.

I'd prefer my other half not to be dating while I was still alive mind, if I was together enough to notice! Though if my brain was so far gone that essentially I was a different person I guess what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

Duckingella · 02/07/2023 17:00

Well yes;I'd be dead so I wouldn't know and I wouldn't want my DH to be alone;my only wish would be if something happened to me and he met someone else who would potentially meet my children is that they are kind to my children.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/07/2023 17:11

I'd haunt him until I was satisfied that any new woman genuinely loves him and equally importantly, the twatcats.

There would be a lot of poltergeist activity before that point. Not eating properly? Clatter goes the pans. Going anywhere near OLD? Oh, the wifi keeps cutting out. Feeling down and lonely? Let's have that spooky scent of flowers on a summer breeze. Somebody who was mentally totting up the value of possessions? Let's have a dark, overwhelming sensation of being watched. A woman complaining about 'That bloody cat, can't you get rid of it'? Clatter goes the kitchen knives.

SpringOn · 02/07/2023 17:15

I wouldn’t mind once the kids were grown up and left home.

But I wouldn’t want the kids to have to cope with a stepmother.

Similarly, I’d DH died I wouldn’t impose a stepdad a them. No way.

Swipe left for the next trending thread