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Original poster

Trigger warning...if you died would you want your partner to find someone else?

181 replies

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/07/2023 00:51

Genuine question. I understand this might be sensitive to some, but I am genuinely curious. If you passed away would you want your partner/bf/husband to move on and find someone else? Or would you want them to always hold a torch for you and only you?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 08:50

I absolutely would want him to, if he found someone he loved. But then he was widowed when we met so I know how he dealt with that and DS so I know I don’t need to worry about him not looking after the children etc.

Legolegends · 02/07/2023 08:52

Well, there has been research into this, I can’t remember all of the details but for older people it is something like single women are happiest, followed by married men, followed by married women. Probably something to do with how much married women of that generation do for their husbands or are liberated by not doing.

Personally I would want DH as happy as possible with the caveat that I wouldn’t want my monies accrued to go to the next lady. Hence in my will I have left money to my children and the rest in trust so that if DH remarries and passes away, my portion of whatever is left goes to my children and not the new wife.

TedMullins · 02/07/2023 08:53

Yes of course, I don’t really understand why anyone wouldn’t? And I’d be dead anyway so it’s not like I’d know! If my DP died of course I’d be devastated and take time to grieve but I wouldn’t vow never to date again.

I’ve had long periods of being happily single before and maybe that is how I’d feel, but I certainly wouldn’t think “right that was my one and only soulmate and chance at true love and now they’re gone I’m shutting up shop forever”.

Darhon · 02/07/2023 08:55

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/07/2023 01:22

I can't imagine I would ever want to be with anyone else if something happened to my DP.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure I like the idea of him being with anyone else, but I think I'm still looking at it from the "I'm still alive" perspective. There wouldn't be much I could do about it if that's what he wanted though.

I would absolutely want my now partner to find someone else. I’d also not impose rules snout meeting kids etc, though it’s not pertinent to my current partnership.

But then I had a very long relationship that ran its course from giddy first and young love, to meeting someone else in my 40s dragging round a shit ton of emotional baggage. So I do feel that I’m more pragmatic about partnering up. I really like being coupled up and believe you can couple up with lots of different people and find someone else you like and make it work. It doesn’t diminish the other relationship at all.

EastCoastRye · 02/07/2023 08:57

Yes, I'd be happy for him to find someone else. I wouldn't want him leaving all my money to someone else's family rather than our kids though.

I wouldn't marry again.

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2023 09:14

And so many women saying they wouldn't want him alone, want him happy, he'd be wasted otherwise, but they themselves would stay single and grieving?

I don't think posters are saying this at all. Those of us who said we would stay single, it's not because we would stay grieving for ever, it's that we would just prefer to remain single . As someone pointed out, statistically women are happier single, and men aren't.

It probably does depend on age though. If you marry young and lose your husband young, I guess it's much less likely you'd want to remain single. I'm 51 and, in the absence of my lovely dh, would absolutely NOT be up for sharing my life or home with another man. No way. And that has absolutely zero to do with how I feel about dh.

DreamItDoIt · 02/07/2023 09:22

He can do what he likes. I'm pretty sure he'd find someone very quickly (as I would riles reversed).

I have made sure that my assets go to my children though to protect them in case he gets married.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/07/2023 10:07

This is the person that means the most to you in the entire world. Why on earth would you want them to spend the rest of their lives alone?

user1469908686 · 02/07/2023 10:26

If I was the survivor, no, I wouldn’t marry again. Boyfriends perhaps, but I’ve not the energy for another marriage!

For DH, yes I’d definitely like him to move on.
We are fortunate enough to have significant assets that I’d like protecting for our children from any new wife though!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/07/2023 13:19

Some interesting assumptions that
(a) said partner will find someone lovely and that,
(b) said partner will not handle being alone

given this board has many people looking for love (and not finding it )

why will these (not yet windowed ) people walk into it ?

widowed people can be tricky to date too

jigglytip · 02/07/2023 13:20

no way, I cannot bear the thought

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 13:24

Yes definitely and I told him that...but I did say I would want to always be his favourite 😂

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/07/2023 13:34

I wouldn’t mind if he met someone new after I had died. I don’t think he will like the idea because he wouldn’t want to start dating, not out of mourning me necessarily but because he probably couldn’t be bothered with it.

If he did put his introverted self out there and find someone new, I hope he would take it at a speed that was comfortable for our daughter. Even if that is slower than the new woman or he would like. I would take anything new at DD’s pace if it was the other way round.

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 13:37

Absolutely. I won't be though. We've discussed this. Dh can if he wants. But if Dh died today, me at 50, 20+ good years with him is enough for me - I won't want anyone else, ever.

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 13:40

But I wouldn't want him meeting someone else quickly. He has to mourn me for at least .... 4 months. Anything sooner would be offensive. Grin

Nimbus9000 · 02/07/2023 13:41

I wouldn’t want DH to have another partner whilst our children are young. Once they’re adults he can do what he likes!

Pleasemrstweedie · 02/07/2023 13:41

We've had this conversation. It's not an issue.

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 13:41

@LessonLearnedOrLearnt

I read that about Helen McCrory. I feel the same. Grin

cheezncrackers · 02/07/2023 13:44

I would want him to live his life, however he wanted. I'd be dead, so it would be none of my business. You only live once and your time on earth isn't guaranteed, so you should make the best of it, whatever that means for you.

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 13:45

@TyneTeas
What a great thread!

Ragwort · 02/07/2023 13:47

A lot of the replies on this thread assumes that not being in a relationship means you are 'sad and lonely' ... surely that is not true for everyone? The happiest, most content people I know are single. I certainly don't want my DH to 'pine' for me if I die but I imagine he would be perfectly comfortable on his own .. he has lots of friends, hobbies and interests... is fully competent at housework, cooking etc. I would have no wish to date again if I was so single ... not because no one would match up to my DH ... but I have no need for a romantic relationship and couldn't stand living with someone again.

Spendonsend · 02/07/2023 13:49

Id wanted him to focus on our children when they were young. But as they are older now, id like him to find someone else so he could be happy and the children didnt feel like his happiness was their responsibility..

Id also want him to protect their finances So at the very least 'my half' of the estate was reserved for them and not his next partner.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/07/2023 13:53

Absolutely 100%.

I hate the thought of someone stopping living just because I died.

I would secretly hope that she would be the type of woman that I would like and get along with if we met when alive. I would also hope that she was a decent sort who would care about him as much as I do.

I would like if she was a good cook because he missed out on that with me!

I would also like if they told my family once it got serious and were respectful about it so as not to upset my parents too much.

CopperSeahorses · 02/07/2023 13:56

Yes I would have wanted DH to find someone else but now, as a widow, I don't know if I want to find someone else.

AliasGrape · 02/07/2023 13:56

I’d want him to prioritise our child, her stability and emotional well-being. As I know he would, and I would if it were the other way around.

I’m not sure what that means in terms of him having a new relationship - whether it would be better if he did ( but approached it sensitively and putting her needs first) or if he didn’t actually. But I wouldn’t be the one in that situation - I’d be dead - so I’d have to trust that he’d navigate in the best way he could.

Other way around - I’d probably stay single. I can imagine wanting to date again, but don’t think I’d want more than that necessarily - but having never been in that situation I don’t really know!