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Original poster

Trigger warning...if you died would you want your partner to find someone else?

181 replies

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/07/2023 00:51

Genuine question. I understand this might be sensitive to some, but I am genuinely curious. If you passed away would you want your partner/bf/husband to move on and find someone else? Or would you want them to always hold a torch for you and only you?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 02/07/2023 08:16

It wouldn't matter, because I would be dead & would know nothing about it. If he's happy on his own - fine. If he's happy with a partner - fine. But I don't think he's ever "held a torch for me", because he's not a dramatic or sentimental person.

AngelAurora · 02/07/2023 08:17

You would never know either way

Alyso · 02/07/2023 08:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 08:17

I find some of these posts depressing.

If someone went out straight away instead of grieving then it cheapens the memory of you and shows how little you meant. I would want them to wait at least a year. Why the rush?
And very careful selecting if kids are involved, they've been through enough.

And so many women saying they wouldn't want him alone, want him happy, he'd be wasted otherwise, but they themselves would stay single and grieving?
So the men get to have love and sex again but not the woman?
Women have to feel every bit of the loss but not men?
Depressing

eetee · 02/07/2023 08:23

And so many women saying they wouldn't want him alone, want him happy, he'd be wasted otherwise, but they themselves would stay single and grieving?

Not single and grieving. I would stay single and safe. For me it's not a matter of not getting over him and being able to move on, it's about not being able to make good judgements of new people. Tbh I have no interest in people at all so the idea of meeting new potential partners isn't something on my radar.

But yes. For him I would be absolutely happy if he found a new person to spend his life with. I don't think the timing of it could 'cheapen' what has been 20 odd years of good, solid marriage.

DeadButDelicious · 02/07/2023 08:24

BillAndBullseye · 02/07/2023 06:08

I wouldn't get married again
I plan to find a woman only commune as a base, buy a camper van and a small dog and tour the country in the summers, meeting interesting people with fascinating stories to tell !

I would of course want DH to be happy and if he met someone who made him happy after I'd died, then that's great. Plus I'd be dead so there wouldn't be much I could do about it. I would definitely want him to make sure he was certain about her before he introduced her to DD, she is priority, above all.

If he were to go first, I don't think I'd remarry. I like @BillAndBullseye 's idea. The world has changed so much since I met DH and modern dating looks pretty awful to be honest and much more stress and hassle than I consider it to be worth. I have good family, good friends, lots of hobbies and of course my DD to occupy my time, I think I'd be just fine. I haven't ruled it out altogether but I just don't see me being with anyone else.

crossstitchingnana · 02/07/2023 08:25

My uncle found someone else within months, after 50 years of marriage. I understand life's short (especially at 80) but my goodness, did he not love my aunt??

User13985094 · 02/07/2023 08:25

I would be dead so it wouldn't matter what he did

Busybutbored · 02/07/2023 08:29

QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 08:17

I find some of these posts depressing.

If someone went out straight away instead of grieving then it cheapens the memory of you and shows how little you meant. I would want them to wait at least a year. Why the rush?
And very careful selecting if kids are involved, they've been through enough.

And so many women saying they wouldn't want him alone, want him happy, he'd be wasted otherwise, but they themselves would stay single and grieving?
So the men get to have love and sex again but not the woman?
Women have to feel every bit of the loss but not men?
Depressing

Who said it had to happen instantly? Also what makes you think women think the man should move on but they shouldn't? Not sure what makes you think that women think that? Probably women just have higher standards, can't be bothered or can't get a man? I'm sure if the right man came along a women would be happy with that.

Busybutbored · 02/07/2023 08:30

@QueefQueen80s also I think most men "need" to be with someone, they're not so good on their own.

manontroppo · 02/07/2023 08:31

I’d rather he didn’t, to be honest, because I don’t want my kids to have a stepmother in their lives, or a blended family. I also agree with a PP re financially- I want my assets to go to DH and our DC, no one else.

I’m not sure whether DH would stay single though, and what could I do about it?

PickledPurplePickle · 02/07/2023 08:31

I’d want them to be happy and live life to the full -if that includes someone else then yes of course

Florencey · 02/07/2023 08:31

I mean I'm not thrilled at the idea of it because I am alive at the moment and picturing my life partner with someone else is a bit uncomfortable. However I'd never say to him I don't want you to meet someone else if I die first.

I have warned him if he doesn't keep up his fatherly duties and puts his new relationship before the children (like my Dad did) that I'll haunt him lol. I don't believe in ghosts but I suppose that's a way of him knowing I expect he'll move on after im gone if I go first.

it's a sensitive one isn't it, everyone is different some people never want to meet anyone else after losing their love, some people do, I actually don't think whether you do or don't is a reflection on the relationship with the one who died it's more a reflection on that individual and as individuals we are all different.

if you asked because you don't feel you want yours to meet someone else and you're feeling bad because most people say they won't care they'll be dead etc, don't worry about it. You're allowed to feel how you feel even if it's different to others. What will be will be, your husband may die first, you may die first, he may or may not meet someone else, but whether he does or not is no reflection on how much he loves you. Being widowed is different from a divorce it's not black and white, I believe there's room to love and mourn whilst simultaneously loving another that's the beauty with humans and love it's not limited think of having children there's enough love to love more and more of them even when you feel you couldn't possibly love another when you only have one.

NomDe · 02/07/2023 08:32

Move on, of course

LizzieSiddal · 02/07/2023 08:32

I always tell DH not to “do a Paul McCartney”. So don’t fall head over heels very quickly and marry someone totally unsuitable.

Both my grandma and mum were widowed in their mid 50s. Both have had hugely busy and fulfilling lives. My mum has a better social life than me, still works part time in a job she loves and zooms around the country visiting family. She has no interest what’s so ever in a relationship. So it’s not necessarily true that being widowed means being lonely.

AgnesX · 02/07/2023 08:34

After a suitable period of being suitably heartbroken (!!) of course. Life is for the living and he deserves to be happy.

mrsbitaly · 02/07/2023 08:35

If you love someone enough then you should want the best for them. Life is short and should be filled with people that bring love support and positivity. I don't believe there is just 1 person for each human. Circumstances bring people together and connections.

I would want my husband to find someone to bring that to him rather than him spend his days full of loss, sadness that's not living its existing

5childrenand · 02/07/2023 08:37

Of course because I want him to be happy. I trust him to choose someone good (he chose me after all) and if that means the dc end up with another person who loves them and cares about them and for them to love then all good.

I’d move on too.

QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 08:41

Busybutbored · 02/07/2023 08:30

@QueefQueen80s also I think most men "need" to be with someone, they're not so good on their own.

It's a lot of these posts saying it. These posts say they would want him to move on but not her. And say she'd be dead so he can do it as soon as he wants.
Just another inequality. Men get to feel happy again but not women. So the man can feel content knowing she'll never be with another man and the kids won't have a stepdad but not vice versa.

RandomMess · 02/07/2023 08:41

I would him to but not to financially protect our DC so they get a suitable inheritance if there is anything left after his care home fees etc.

Had so many friends whose parent as remarried and they pretty much disappear off emotionally and financially and the step kids get it all!

gogomoto · 02/07/2023 08:41

Yes of course, life if for living. My half the house would belong to my DD's though so I'd expect him to pay them what they are due before anyone moved it!

Busybutbored · 02/07/2023 08:42

QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 08:41

It's a lot of these posts saying it. These posts say they would want him to move on but not her. And say she'd be dead so he can do it as soon as he wants.
Just another inequality. Men get to feel happy again but not women. So the man can feel content knowing she'll never be with another man and the kids won't have a stepdad but not vice versa.

Show quote history

Honestly I'm sure of the right man came along it wouldn't be an issue

DeadButDelicious · 02/07/2023 08:45

QueefQueen80s · 02/07/2023 08:17

I find some of these posts depressing.

If someone went out straight away instead of grieving then it cheapens the memory of you and shows how little you meant. I would want them to wait at least a year. Why the rush?
And very careful selecting if kids are involved, they've been through enough.

And so many women saying they wouldn't want him alone, want him happy, he'd be wasted otherwise, but they themselves would stay single and grieving?
So the men get to have love and sex again but not the woman?
Women have to feel every bit of the loss but not men?
Depressing

I wouldn't say 'single and grieving' I wouldn't go into full on Victorian style mourning or anything, I'd be heartbroken, of course I would but you do feel happiness again after loss, your life grows and adjusts around it, you'll smile and laugh and have good times, I know this is true. I just don't see myself 'dating' again.

Hopefully it wont happen for a good few years yet but I do think, if DH were to go first, I would consider that chapter of my life over and I'd find fulfillment in other ways. Maybe not in a camper van thinking on it (can't drive 😂) but I may embrace my inner bog witch and live in a ramshackle old cottage and join the local coven.

NDerbys32 · 02/07/2023 08:46

Married 37 years here, I'm a bloke.

I would hope that, if she popped her clogs before me, that she would find someone else to share life with. We've talked about it too. I

I watched my mother live a 50+ year miserable marriage, and the family set that as a standard to look up to. I so hope she found happiness in the next life.

Two things make me settled with my thinking.
1.Our son is a really grand judge of character and would protect her, and

  1. I know she'll not find anyone who bakes cakes like me 😂😂👍
Thisbastardcomputer · 02/07/2023 08:48

Yes absolutely but here are a couple of examples that have made me gasp.

My friends Dad, married over 50 years, moved in with a woman within 5 weeks.

My friends husband, seeing someone else within 2 weeks and found it difficult to believe people were calling him.