Trigger warning...if you died would you want your partner to find someone else?

[Addicted2LoveIsland]

Genuine question. I understand this might be sensitive to some, but I am genuinely curious. If you passed away would you want your partner/bf/husband to move on and find someone else? Or would you want them to always hold a torch for you and only you?

I was widowed last year, I have no intention of trying to find another partner/husband. i'm quite content not having to think about what a partner wants etc. For the first time in 45 years I can do whatever I want ,however I think if it was the other way round he would have struggled ,so on that basis I would have told him to try to find someone. I don't think he would have been happy by himself, maybe he wouldn't have wanted a partner to live in with him, but just someone to be caring towards him. Not sure if that explains it properly, but can't quite get the nuance in it!

They'd be a queue for dh and although he's capable in every way, he needs love and companionship so I'd want him with someone.

I agree with this in principle.. but it depends. Although I am divorced not widowed, my kids' stepdad bought so much into their lives and changed them for the better. They both tell me this. So there are exceptions.

Lwrenagain I love your post

I don't presume that people are automatically happy when coupled up. It just isn't the case. Being single isn't just the 'next best thing to being in an unhappy relationship' - it can be the happiest place, and the best option, for many of us, or at certain times in our lives.

So - I wouldn't necessarily wish for my DH to find someone else. But I would hope for that if it would make him happier. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. And once I'm gone, it's no bad reflection on me, and no disloyalty to me, if he meets someone else.

I've also heard it said that people are are truly happy in their marriage / relationship are more likely to seek out another relationship when their OH dies. Those who have a bad experience of marriage etc are more likely to want to stay single.

So, if my DH fiercely wanted to stay single, it could be a bad reflection on our relationship!

As it happens, we've had the conversation and both agree we'd be in no rush to find someone else if the other died. We're both quite happy single. But we both want the other to be happy, so whatever it takes.

On his deathbed my husband urged me to find someone else. Now I am single, and have been for a few years, I am mostly comfortable being single. I’m not sad and lonely all the time - occasionally yes, but not all the time. Being a widow isn’t all wafting about wearing black and wailing. Life goes on and I’ve certainly found strength and confidence I didn’t have before.

I meant to say as well though that this isn’t a question anyone can genuinely answer until in that situation. You might imagine what you would do - but I can say from experience that you do not know how you will feel until you actually experience it. So most people’s answers are fairly meaningless.

If a new relationship unfolds, que sera sera!

But: I am leaving my share of our assets direct to our kids. (With a proviso that he can live in the house for 8 years. The current equity is plenty to see him decently re-housed, kids are Uni aged and older, he is still earning and has his own savings).

Observation over many years tells me:
Men move on quickly
Widowed men are seen as a good catch
The new partner is often younger
He may have more kids
He will probably leave his estate to new wife
She will then, having outlived him by 10 or more years and lost touch with her step kids, leave it to her existing kids and / or her children with him, excluding his first family.

I have seen this so many times amongst friends and colleagues.

In one case the family home had been inherited from my friend’s maternal grandmother. Her father inherited it on the death of her mother, moved in another woman, and she now has to say ‘good morning’ to the children of step mother, now owners of her grandmother’s and then her mother’s house, as she passes on the way from her council house to the bus stop.

They don’t think, their heads get turned, they trust new wife to do right by their Dc. Not all men, but 5 people I know have watched their lovely Dads do this.

It’s not up to me. It would be their decision.

@Addicted2LoveIsland I would love for my husband not to be on his own and find someone. Even though my kids are early 20's and late teens, he would need someone who will appreciate the central place they play in our lives

On the other hand I have not been single since I was 16 and thought I would find someone else if my husband passes away. However, I know my DH is my other hand and the total love of my life. I will still be open but only if I met someone I could feel more towards

I am the one left behind, my wife & partner of 35 years died 2 weeks after her 52nd birthday. I had been her primary carer for her last 10 years.
She told me as I was such a loving person I needed someone to love & when she was gone to do what I felt was right 😭
It took me 3 years before I felt "right" and I have dated since but it takes a lot out of you to get things even in your heart.
I still love my wife and I will never stop loving her, only she's not here to love in the real sense so I need an outlet for my love. If that makes sense?

You’re right that’s not the only alternative…My great aunty had a happy marriage but sadly her husband who was a decade older than her died early. She had five kids who were all adults by the time her husband died and she lived very happily for the remainder of her years.

personally I would be fine for them to meet someone else if they genuinely find love, but the statistics are very interesting on this. Apparently widowed men move on at a much faster rate than women. I suspect sometimes this is wanting help with children. And the fact that men generally do better out of relationships.

I was talking to a man online whose profile said he was widowed and had children , I eventually asked him when she died and he very breezily said “it was ages ago…last year ” 🤯 and briskly told me he was “over it”. I understand men don’t always want to express emotion but I thought that was a bit much and promptly unmatched.

This thread shows that many women think their man is an overgrown child who needs taking care of. Why won't a man enjoy being single like a woman would?

BTW, my late husband was the sort of chap who always had a female looking after him, there was always someone where he worked who looked after 'nice Mr Lois', women would tell me how lovely he was, a woman would always rush to his aid, no matter what. I think he looked like 'little boy lost'. Some woman would have clasped him to her maternal bosom. I ,however, look capable, so men don't.
None of that is said in a bitter way, it's just my observations over many years.

As per my post above I was the one doing all the caring cooking/shopping/cleaning etc.
I might be a man but I'm pretty capable of looking after myself. Though I have to give credit to a woman for that.... My wonderful late mother, she used to say she loved watching me cook as I had absorbed her basic teaching and run with it 😊

I would want him to be happy, in whatever form that took.

If it was me, I wouldn’t seek anything actively but if I met someone new I wouldn’t reject the idea.

This thread shows that many women think their man is an overgrown child who needs taking care of. Why won't a man enjoy being single like a woman would?

But the statistics back this up. On average, middle-aged men don't like being single. Middle-aged women do. The fact that so many men do seem to want to be looked after explains both sides of those statistics. If (like many MNers on the Relationships board) you are a woman who has spent years with a husband who expected you to look after him, the house and the children, it's hardly surprising you might not fancy signing up for the same arrangement with another one. My dh doesn't need looking after, I hasten to add.

I'm with a widower, as I said up thread. If I could change one thing about him, it would be to make him divorced 😂 I'd certainly NOT be queueing up to date another widower.

So sorry for your loss

@BatshitCrazyWoman
"I'm with a widower, as I said up thread. If I could change one thing about him, it would be to make him divorced 😂 I'd certainly NOT be queueing up to date another widower."

In what way?

I'd want him to find love again if he wanted to, but ideally I wouldn't want it to affect our child(ren) in any way. So not living together until the kids move out, no half siblings and no impact on our child(ren)'s inheritance of my half of the assets.

Obviously I have no control over this and I'd rather he have a second family if the alternative is him being miserable. But I hope it doesn't come to that.

I wouldn’t want him too, but I also wouldn’t like him to me miserable and lonely and that trumps the latter!

trumps the former I mean!

If we didn't have kids, I wouldn't have any issue with him remarrying as long as he wasn't a cliche who hooked up with one of our mutual friends who "supported him through his loss" before I'm cold in the ground.

@wtp and you are how a man should be.. self sufficient. To not need a partner but to have one if he wants one.