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Original poster

Trigger warning...if you died would you want your partner to find someone else?

181 replies

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/07/2023 00:51

Genuine question. I understand this might be sensitive to some, but I am genuinely curious. If you passed away would you want your partner/bf/husband to move on and find someone else? Or would you want them to always hold a torch for you and only you?

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 02/07/2023 05:07

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 02:36

100% and I have told him that.
I've also told our young adult children to make sure he finds someone that makes him happy.
That's how much I love him and want him to be happy♥️
(We are 45 and 43 and have been married for 25 years)

My mum said this to me. Then she died at 54. My dad has never written recovered. He has not met anyone and will not now as he just drinks every night. I feels guilty that I could not get him out meeting people like she wanted. I know it is not my choice, but I can hear her and it does make me feel bad.

codemonkeya · 02/07/2023 05:22

Absolutely.

I do feel a bit hurt at the thought of him moving on very quickly but I wouldn't want to give him a random timeframe he has to grieve for.

I want him to be happy and make new memories. I would want him to still think of me and miss me but also have lots of good times. I would not want him to love her "more" than me but I would not expect him to love her less either. Hopefully it would be just different.

My worry is that he's quite easily swayed and I would want him to ensure that she treats our son well and he doesn't compromise the values we both agreed on for raising our son.

For example I've read recent threads where someone thought that a child shouldn't be comforted after a nightmare and one where a man was getting angry at a baby for waking up at night. These are not "parenting styles" that I could possibly accept and the thought of a woman treating my son anything like this makes me feel physically sick.

Obviously everyone wants to avoid the evil stepmother so maybe it goes without saying. I just feel like my husband and I have worked very hard at being on the same page as far as parenting and if he abandoned all that because she said he was doing it wrong then I might start the haunting.

WasJuliaRight · 02/07/2023 05:24

I’m torn, yes I would like him to be happy but knowing that he doesn’t think about the finer details I wouldn’t want him to marry because he wouldn’t get a will made up and would unwittingly leave everything to her.

AuntieMarys · 02/07/2023 05:53

There are strict instructions in my will about him moving someone into my house should I die. 😀
We've talked about this scenario...we are in our 60s and neither of us can be arsed to date again.

BillAndBullseye · 02/07/2023 06:08

I wouldn't get married again
I plan to find a woman only commune as a base, buy a camper van and a small dog and tour the country in the summers, meeting interesting people with fascinating stories to tell !

Lwrenagain · 02/07/2023 06:09

YES!!! I'd also hope with everything my DC would have a fabulous step mum, who would enjoy my babies and the life I've created. I'd want her to make my home her own, never feel threatened by me being "the amazing dead ex" and instead know I'm supportive of her.
If I'm on deaths doorstep I'll pen her a note.

I've actually told him if he doesn't move on I'll come back and haunt him.
In the most petty ways.

He is the most wonderful man, to imagine him pottering around lonely, only focusing on the kids even if they're all adults crushes me, the idea.
He deserves a life of love and happiness with someone worthy of him.
Plus he's brilliant in bed, it would be a shame for that to go to waste. 😂

If he was to go first I'd want to stay single because I find men generally a bit shit. (Sorry, I love many men as friends, I adore my DSs but my god, dating, fuck that!)
But I see women on here who offer so much love to such losers, I believe he'd find someone amazing who he'd be amazing for.

I've given this so much thought after almost dying a few times, can you tell?

BillAndBullseye · 02/07/2023 06:09

Oh and the Husband can do what he wants
I won't care, I'll be dead

Lwrenagain · 02/07/2023 06:10

BillAndBullseye · 02/07/2023 06:08

I wouldn't get married again
I plan to find a woman only commune as a base, buy a camper van and a small dog and tour the country in the summers, meeting interesting people with fascinating stories to tell !

This sounds amazing.
If we're ever widowed the same time, can I come?!

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 06:13

While I am alive I hate the idea of anyone replacing me but if I die I hope he finds someone who will love him and my children.

HarrisJu · 02/07/2023 06:17

BillAndBullseye · 02/07/2023 06:08

I wouldn't get married again
I plan to find a woman only commune as a base, buy a camper van and a small dog and tour the country in the summers, meeting interesting people with fascinating stories to tell !

That appeals to me too.
I even joined Van Life on fb and enviously scroll through amazing adventures of those who live permanently in a van!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 02/07/2023 06:19

I've only been with him 4 and a half years, but of course, in my mind to want anything else for him would be incredibly selfish. I'd be dead, I wouldn't know!

I've given it a lot of thought, because he's a widower. It's tough dating a widower, so if I'm at death's door I might have to give him a list of dos and don'ts.

GrinAndVomit · 02/07/2023 06:21

Not while the kids are still children.
Once the kids are grown up, I hope he’d find someone.

ShiteRider · 02/07/2023 06:56

TyneTeas · 02/07/2023 01:18

I’d never seen this before but just read it start to finish. How lovely! 🥰🥰 (no pun intended)

Roselilly36 · 02/07/2023 06:58

Yes of course.

Moomuffin · 02/07/2023 07:31

Yes I would want him to find a nice companion but I don’t want him remarrying as I don’t want any of our assets going to anyone other than our children.

W0tnow · 02/07/2023 07:38

Truthfully, now, I don’t care. My children are late teens. Almost adults. Had they been littler, I’d have honestly wanted him to wait until they were about this age.

Hollyppp · 02/07/2023 07:39

Yes definitely, I have no ill wishes or grudges for after I’m gone

BCBird · 02/07/2023 07:44

Yes without a doubt. I am.grieving the loss of my partner through suicide. There is no way I would want him to experience this torture. It's hell. I know now he experienced hell or he would not have taken his own life but if the tables were turned, I would want him.to smile again and be loved.

NeverThatSerious · 02/07/2023 07:47

I had to think about this only very recently, I had sepsis and it was a bit touch and go for a while. I absolutely would want him to meet someone else and I’d want him to be head over heels in love and blissfully happy. We’re only v early thirties, it would be a long time for him to be alone, and he’d be happier in a good relationship than single. I’d, of course, always want him to remember me and talk about me to our son, and continue to put him first, but DH is far too good and kind to be unhappy and lonely.
That being said, I did ask him to promise me he wouldn’t have any more children by anyone else. My son would’ve been through enough losing his mother, and subsequently getting used to his dad being with another woman (lovely tho I’m sure she’d be!), I wouldn’t want him to feel replaced in his own home by a new family. I’m sure plenty of people would disagree on that stance, but there we are.

eetee · 02/07/2023 07:49

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/07/2023 01:22

I can't imagine I would ever want to be with anyone else if something happened to my DP.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure I like the idea of him being with anyone else, but I think I'm still looking at it from the "I'm still alive" perspective. There wouldn't be much I could do about it if that's what he wanted though.

I could never. I am autistic and have ADHD and both of these things make me very vulnerable when it comes to meeting new people and relationships even more so. I have been very fortunate to have an amazing DH and we just 'work' but I am fully aware this was luck, not my judgement. I am very guarded now about letting people in, I have had far too many bad things happen because I didn't know how to protect myself so f on my POV I really have no interest in any further romantic relationships.

None of that means I wouldn't want him to find someone else if I died first. I trust him completely to do right by our DC (2 of them are adults and have already moved out) and he deserves to live if I am no longer around.

My Nanna lost her husband 28 years ago, just after retirement, she never met anyone else, which is fine but I could not expect DH to live a solitary life for so long - that wouldn't be fair.

Hiddenvoice · 02/07/2023 07:51

I’d want my husband to be happy and not to spend the rest of his life lonely. We have a family so I’d hope he would find someone who would love our family nearly as much as me. I would secretly hope he’d also keep the wedding picture of us up too 😂

NeverThatSerious · 02/07/2023 07:51

BCBird · 02/07/2023 07:44

Yes without a doubt. I am.grieving the loss of my partner through suicide. There is no way I would want him to experience this torture. It's hell. I know now he experienced hell or he would not have taken his own life but if the tables were turned, I would want him.to smile again and be loved.

I’m so sorry for your troubles, sending love and strength 💐

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2023 07:52

I wouldn't care. I'd be dead.
^This. If my dc were younger I would hope that anyone he ended up with would be someone they liked and who would be lovely to them, obviously. But they are late teens, so it would be less of an issue.

I have a friend who lost her husband a few years ago and isn't really interested in dating or anything. She definitely isn't miserable or anything. It just had me thinking about this topic today.

I'd be the same. If I lost dh I'm pretty certain I'd stay single. Not because of 'carrying a torch' but because the whole idea of going through finding someone compatible and going through the dating bit wearies me, not to mention the gazillions of cautionary tales on the MN Relationships board! Besudes, I just don't think I'd feel the need to be in another relationship.

doorstopper123 · 02/07/2023 07:55

I know mine would. He would probably allow himself a few months to mourn,and then get himself online

RoseMarigoldViolet · 02/07/2023 08:13

Yes, but not too quickly! And I would like it to be someone who was genuinely kind and loving to my children.