Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

432 replies

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:23

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

OP posts:
ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 02/07/2023 08:26

He might have some qualities but being around someone this amoral is soul destroying. Are you not worried he could get prosecuted or is it all just petty stuff? If you think it's just petty, are you sure about that. I'm old and my life experience has shown me that amoral behaviour like this is blanket.

CheeseBandit · 02/07/2023 08:27

My late FIL was a bit like this. You could not leave change anywhere as he would take it. There were several occasions where he stole food and drink that wasn’t his. Of stuff himself if food/drink was paid for by someone else and make himself ill. He was quite a silly and childish man though.

Doingmybest12 · 02/07/2023 08:29

This must be about how he makes you feel generally in your relationship because I think it is common I think to share things and not always ask specifically each time. I think you develop a shared understanding and respect about what is ok to take, what is special to the other. My husband eats treats really slowly, paces it out a bit a day which I respect but in the end I'll just finish it up because its been hanging around too long, past its best , can't resist any longer but that seems to be OK. I'll pick up money but wouldn't take the last bit unless I was sure it wasn't needed. So I think it's about the general attitude/relationship and not the stuff.

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 08:31

jannier · 02/07/2023 07:38

Unless you regularly buy chocolate for everyone as a shopping staple why would anyone assume a chocolate bar they didn't buy was put there for anyone to help themselves to? Do people normally buy Chocolate like a pack of biscuits?

Show quote history

Do … do people not buy chocolate like a packet of biscuits when they do the shopping (hides head in shame)?

Obviously this doesn’t apply to posh chocs given as a birthday present (for example).

saveforthat · 02/07/2023 08:33

I didn't realise that there was a "my food" thing going on in some families. Everything is shared in our house too. There are exceptions of course, presents like chocolate and wine only the gift recipient would open. That said if that's how you do it in your home then he doesn't care about you as other pp have said. Definitely stsrt taking his stuff

JFDIYOLO · 02/07/2023 08:34

Many men believe that their wives and children are property.

Hence harming those who try to leave - they are being deprived of property.

So things that belong to others are also their own property.

Goods and chattels.

But things that are theirs …? Are theirs.

'What's yours is mine, what's mine is my own.'

saveforthat · 02/07/2023 08:35

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 08:31

Do … do people not buy chocolate like a packet of biscuits when they do the shopping (hides head in shame)?

Obviously this doesn’t apply to posh chocs given as a birthday present (for example).

Show quote history

I was thinking exactly the same Talia

saveforthat · 02/07/2023 08:37

Maybe we should start another thread. - i buy chocolate along with biscuits in the supermarket AIBU.

nettie434 · 02/07/2023 08:37

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:51

Yep , it’s been a constant battle between us for much of our relationship. He can be so kind in other ways but
he hides things he buys for himself and then takes other people’s stuff.

Show quote history

The bit about hiding his own stuff but taking others' is what makes him stand out from people in other households where everyone shares biscuits, chocolate, spare change or whatever. It's clear he doesn't believe that what's mine is yours and vice versa.

Opening the bottle of wine that was a gift is another unacceptable thing for me. You don't do that without asking.

He comes across as hypocritical and mean, even if he does have some other good points.

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 08:40

This is giving me strong vibes of a well known article:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Despite the title, it’s by a man who (when it was too late) recognised it wasn’t his actions, it was the total lack of respect for his wife demonstrated by those actions that caused their divorce.

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink

It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Caradonna · 02/07/2023 08:42

I think I would try to get him to counselling - there must be a reason or maybe he is just selfish. But an outsider needs to speak to him.
I sometimes cook something I like, a nice dessert for example. I have some and then find DH has scoffed a huge helping , says there's hardly anything left shall we just finish it' so all my work went in one go.
Just selfish as 0 regard for the fact I spent time cooking it.
You could hide things. I used to hide chocolate when the DCs lived at home.

Zarataralara · 02/07/2023 08:44

he hides things he buys for himself and then takes other people’s stuff.

Hiding his own things suggests it’s something from his childhood, maybe siblings that always took his things? Or he grew up having very little?
Whatever , he’s an adult now and needs to see that he can change his behaviour and he needs to change to accommodate other people. I think he needs someone outside the family to get him to see this.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 08:46

Him lying and hiding it is the crux.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 08:46

Caradonna · 02/07/2023 08:42

I think I would try to get him to counselling - there must be a reason or maybe he is just selfish. But an outsider needs to speak to him.
I sometimes cook something I like, a nice dessert for example. I have some and then find DH has scoffed a huge helping , says there's hardly anything left shall we just finish it' so all my work went in one go.
Just selfish as 0 regard for the fact I spent time cooking it.
You could hide things. I used to hide chocolate when the DCs lived at home.

I’d be OK hiding stuff from children (at least when they are young) but I don’t want to be my (hypothetical) DH’s mother,

If there are emotional or practical reasons why the OP wants to stay (and I accept there may well be - this isn’t get out NOW territory), that might work but if you are having to treat your DH like your toddler, I’m not sure the marriage can survive.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2023 08:46

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 02/07/2023 08:18

I think he should talk to a psychologist/therapist OP. My Dad has so many issues with food hoarding and eating, and it's all to do with his childhood poverty in 1950s London, living off reheated dripping and mouldy bread. He gets instantly and mildly aggressive with his food, even with his grandchildren, for example he hides the things he wants even if it's been bought for the kids. He can be quite controlling with my Mum's food and get cross with here for leaving leftovers, which all have to be eaten and stored the next day, even used cereal. My mum needs to keep the belly fat off as well because of a heart condition and risk of diabetes.

That sounds really difficult @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze . I actually wondered if there was some childhood story attached to @Fubar01 situation. My XH had unresolved issues from childhood, not as extreme as this. But if someone isn't prepared to address it, you either accept it or end the relationship.

feelingfree17 · 02/07/2023 08:48

Rude, disrespectful and goady

Bluebells1970 · 02/07/2023 08:51

It's the complete lack of respect, not the things themselves. His needs are more important than yours, hence he is "allowed" to take whatever he likes.

If it bothers you that much, OP, then you need to end things. You can't make people into what you want them to be, you have to be able to live with who they are.

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 08:51

JFDIYOLO · 02/07/2023 08:34

Many men believe that their wives and children are property.

Hence harming those who try to leave - they are being deprived of property.

So things that belong to others are also their own property.

Goods and chattels.

But things that are theirs …? Are theirs.

'What's yours is mine, what's mine is my own.'

I believe this is at the core of the many, many threads I have read here on the ’my DH takes and eats all mine and the DC’s treats but eats or hides his own stuff’ theme.

Sheer male entitlement.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2023 08:53

At @JFDIYOLO that's bang on, and put succinctly and precisely.

HotdogCat · 02/07/2023 08:55

My husband eat shedloads without putting on weight, so will eat multiples of something in one go, and then when I want some there’s nothing left. If we buy chocolates or whatever, the pack in split and put in to two tubs. One each. Once his are gone, no more. He doesn’t just go and get some from my tub

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 08:56

Custardslices · 02/07/2023 06:44

You really can't expect a grown man in his own home to go asking for permission for chocolate from the fridge.

Imagine if a man posted this expecting his wife to ask permission.

It's annoying he does take things at times and can be selfish but you chose to marry him this problem was here before you got married so why now is it bothering you?

I’m not talking about general food or drink . I’m talking about stuff that you have bought specifically for yourself. My older children will buy treats for themselves ( I don’t buy treats for everyone) and we have one kitchen cupboard that they can keep them in and everyone knows you don’t take what isn’t yours . But he constantly takes stuff from it ! We have a rule in the house that if you didn’t pay for it you don’t just take it !
we both pay for household food and that is not off limits .

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 02/07/2023 08:57

Bloody hell, he'd drive me crazy!!!

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 08:58

mum11970 · 02/07/2023 07:20

What stuff is there to hide? We don’t tend to have food that belongs to one person, it’s generally open to everyone. I can’t think of anything off hand that we wouldn’t share. My dh has a monthly ipa delivery that our son would drink most of when he lived at home, was never an issue. Still happens when he visits 🤣

Show quote history

So you’re not allowed to buy something or have a gift that you would like to keep for yourself? I was raised that if something belongs to you or anyone else it’s polite to ask can I have some ! It’s not asking permission it’s being respectful

OP posts:
Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:04

saveforthat · 02/07/2023 08:35

I was thinking exactly the same Talia

Show quote history

No I don’t buy treats including biscuits, cake etc . We each buy our own and my younger children get bought a treat at the weekend.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 02/07/2023 09:07

OP, he doesn't have to understand why you don't want him to do this. He just has to respect you enough to stop. Tell him the next time he does it, you'll ask him to leave.