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Original poster

DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

432 replies

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:23

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2023 01:38

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 00:36

If these are things in his own home, it isn't theft. If he is helping himself to other people's items in other homes without asking, that is theft.

I certainly don't ask my spouse before taking a can of drink or some chocolate or the change on the table. We do share within the home.

He drank wine that was a gift to HER. That's shitty.

Codlingmoths · 02/07/2023 01:38

He hides his own things so they can’t be taken. He is horrified at the idea of you taking his golf clubs. He understands perfectly, he really thinks marriage means what’s yours is his and what’s his is also his if it matters to him. You can’t reason with the fact he thinks he’s more important than you.
id get a big box, throw something random of his in it everyday , shrug and say oh I ate it/used it/ must have lost it out on Thursday if asked. And the golf clubs go to hide at a friends house! While you work out separating. But this will highlight to you that he gets it.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/07/2023 01:45

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care if he upsets you, he is more important than you or anyone else in the family.

How can a wife be happy with a husband that doesn't respect her.

He needs to go, selfish people like this don't change, not really, they will always resent not having more.

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 01:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2023 01:38

He drank wine that was a gift to HER. That's shitty.

Show quote history

Had it been put in the wine rack / wine cupboard or put aside? If it had been put aside and he knew it was a special gift that she wanted to drink alone and that he wasn't to touch - then it was shitty.

I don't really remember where each bottle of wine comes from and who gave what to who. Again, for us, if we want wine, we open the cabinet and take a bottle. If my husband did the shopping, I don't need to ask him before I eat each item and vice versa. So it depends if her DH intentionally drank a wine he had been asked not to drink or if he just took wine without knowing he wasn't supposed to have this one.

If something is deignated as off limits and put aside and spouse is told that this is an untouchable for whatever reason, then we respect that - although I still will 'steal' a chocolate from his gifted chocolates. But he won't get mad at me for that (other than in good fun) because we share things. If he was upset and seriously threatened to leave me because I ate his chocolate or unknowingly drank wine he had been gifted, I would have a major problem with that.

GnomeDePlume · 02/07/2023 02:57

I would say it is fairly unusual in a relationship for everything to be communal.

In my house it would be normal for, say, gifted chocolates to be shared but that it is up to the recipient to decide when they are opened. It would be very rude for someone else to make that decision.

SunSurfSand · 02/07/2023 03:02

Do you share finances?

TerrorAustralis · 02/07/2023 03:05

I had a boyfriend (for far too long) who was a liar and a thief. They don’t change.

flimsywhimsy · 02/07/2023 03:14

He just doesn't think...
Except he does, because he's hiding it from you to avoid the confrontation.

He doesn't understand why it's a problem and bothers you so much...
Well, to be honestly, I'm not buying that. Unless he's stupid, he's capable of understanding. He just doesn't agree that it's a problem (for him).

The bottom line is he doesn't care enough to just stop doing it, because clearly it does annoy you. I'd ask him why you should stay with a man who doesn't value you enough to not make the minor adjustment of asking before taking.

Hagosaurus · 02/07/2023 06:00

Freefall212 I’m with you on this - anything that’s just around is available for anyone to take/use. If it’s special then we say so and that’s respected. Gifts would generally be left for the recipient to open, then shared, but it’s not always obvious that something was a gift if nobody says… OP maybe your dh was just brought up in a house with a more communal approach?

hattie43 · 02/07/2023 06:14

Nope that's not good . I'd be fine if he asked but to take something and then deny it would drive me crazy . Think how much time OP will be searching for each item or thinking
she's misplaced it when really it's been pinched .

Custardslices · 02/07/2023 06:44

You really can't expect a grown man in his own home to go asking for permission for chocolate from the fridge.

Imagine if a man posted this expecting his wife to ask permission.

It's annoying he does take things at times and can be selfish but you chose to marry him this problem was here before you got married so why now is it bothering you?

mum11970 · 02/07/2023 06:44

What is he taking other than food and drink? Can’t say this would be a something that would bother me hugely but I was one of the ones on a previous thread who didn’t expect my husband to ask if he could eat the food in the house and can’t think of anything offhand that I would be really upset at someone using but my husband wouldn’t be overly bothered if I used his golf clubs or nicked one of his cereal bars he keeps in the car either. Mind you, it obviously bothers you a lot and for that fact alone he should refrain from taking or using your stuff without asking.

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 06:47

Hagosaurus · 02/07/2023 06:00

Freefall212 I’m with you on this - anything that’s just around is available for anyone to take/use. If it’s special then we say so and that’s respected. Gifts would generally be left for the recipient to open, then shared, but it’s not always obvious that something was a gift if nobody says… OP maybe your dh was just brought up in a house with a more communal approach?

He HIDES his OWN stuff so it can’t be taken. Do you not get that, and also you, Freefall212

mum11970 · 02/07/2023 06:49

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 00:36

If these are things in his own home, it isn't theft. If he is helping himself to other people's items in other homes without asking, that is theft.

I certainly don't ask my spouse before taking a can of drink or some chocolate or the change on the table. We do share within the home.

Pretty much the same in our house too.

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 06:55

Does your spouse hide their stuff so it can’t be taken though, while they take yours @mum11970

fortheloveofflowers · 02/07/2023 07:01

He knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s bloody disrespectful and about putting you in your place. If he didn’t believe he was doing anything wrong the. He wouldn’t be hiding his stuff and he wouldn’t be lying about it.

This would really annoy me and would end a relationship. Lies, disrespectful and showing no kindness or consideration to you.

RantyAnty · 02/07/2023 07:01

Does he take things from others like at work or from friends and family members?

LolaSmiles · 02/07/2023 07:04

I certainly don't ask my spouse before taking a can of drink or some chocolate or the change on the table. We do share within the home
Same here, unless the chocolate was a gift.

This is the big issue:
he hides things he buys for himself and then takes other people’s stuff
He seems very selfish and sneaky.

He isn't hoping for a reciprocal sharing arrangements.

He's probably the sort of person who would raid the biscuit tin/snack tub to gobble up or hide all the best biscuits within days of the shop being in just so nobody else can have them.

Moveoverdarlin · 02/07/2023 07:05

I can’t really understand your levels of despair…wine, chocolate, posh snacks - none of these things would bother me if my husband helped himself to. I’d see them as household items. Yes, if there was some posh chocolate that had been given to me as a present and he ate it I would be like ‘hey you greedy bastard that was mine’ but it’s not worth leaving him for surely?? It’s about two minutes of annoyance. The golf club analogy doesn’t work, because you don’t actually want them? I’m assuming he doesn’t take your hair straighteners off for a couple of hours for example?

Calling him a thief seems OTT.

Ladybug14 · 02/07/2023 07:07

Does he steal from shops?

Waitingroompurplecup · 02/07/2023 07:07

Is he an only child? Not saying all only children are like this but my dh was a bit like this and after many conversations I figured out it’s because he didn’t learn the concept of what’s shared and what’s not shared through battles with siblings. He also didn’t go to kids groups, hang out with many kids etc. in his childhood.

We both remember the big lemon curd meltdown of 2020 and he has learned a bit since then.

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 07:08

It’s about two minutes of annoyance

For years and years. And he HIDES his OWN stuff so it can’t be taken

Sycasmores · 02/07/2023 07:08

I think you've lost perspective op. It sounds annoying but certainly not a deal breaker. I would never think anything in the fridge was "mine" or anyone elses. It it really bothers you get a little lock box thing for the fridge.

Maybe try some therapy together or for yourself? I think you'd come to hugely regret binning the father of your kids over this.

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 07:14

Drinking a bottle of wine that was specifically gifted to you is pretty low. I can understand a “yum chocolate in the cupboard” moment but if you’ve told him several times he should pay heed of that too.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2023 07:20

He acknowledges that I’m upset but not what has upset me. He just doesn’t understand why it’s a problem.

He doesn’t have to understand, he doesn’t have to agree. But he does have to stop doing the behaviour that upsets you. If he won’t (despite ‘not understanding’) then it’s the lack of consideration for your feelings, and lack of respect, that is the real issue.