Page 6 | DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

Fubar01 · 2023-07-01T22:23:49+00:00

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family me stuff without asking and either lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t! I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side. He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

LolaSmiles · 02/07/2023 09:10

I believe this is at the core of the many, many threads I have read here on the ’my DH takes and eats all mine and the DC’s treats but eats or hides his own stuff’ theme.

Sheer male entitlement
Agree with this.

I don't doubt some people are a bit precious about things (there was a thread once where someone was annoyed that leftovers in the fridge were eaten and their DH should have asked permission before eating because he had a bigger portion the night before so it was technically not his leftovers to eat 🤯), but a lot of the time men, and increasingly teen boys, gobbling up everything 'fun' and showing no regard for other people is a male entitlement problem.

Naunet · 02/07/2023 09:10

Do you share finances?

RosesAndHellebores · 02/07/2023 09:10

It all sounds very complicated.
If one of us gets a box of chocs as a gift, they are there to be shared with all the family. If one of us gets a bottle.of wine as a gift, it gets put with the rest of the drinks and can be opened by anybody.

DH will buy a Mars bar and eat it on the way home. If there were a packet of Mars bars/biscuits/sweets/cakes at home, they would be for everyone. I don't think a member of this household would weigh into a box of six éclairs without asking because they would sort of know they were for after dinner as a treat.

Similarly, fruit bowl - it's open to all.

I think this is a sharing problem and that both of you have separate issues. I think the op's control and resentment indicates greed and also the dh's snaffling. They are crossing the other's boundary.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 02/07/2023 09:11

I would really stoop to his level and beyond with this one. Take his favourite item of clothing and so the dusting with it. I’d serve him his dinner then start eating the food off his plate in front of him. I would definitely take his golf clubs and play crazy golf with them. Basically anything that is his and matters to him, I would take and use (ideally totally inappropriately) and the lie to him when it’s obvious what I had done.

Your husband is not a good man. He is a selfish shit who thinks his actions do not have consequences. I would ensure he knows what those consequences are.

If he isn’t prepared to stop this selfish behaviour then you need to ask him why he values you and your marriage so little. I would not put up with this for one minute and I do t know how you haven’t sat him down and had the divorce talk yet.

Cailin66 · 02/07/2023 09:11

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 08:56

I’m not talking about general food or drink . I’m talking about stuff that you have bought specifically for yourself. My older children will buy treats for themselves ( I don’t buy treats for everyone) and we have one kitchen cupboard that they can keep them in and everyone knows you don’t take what isn’t yours . But he constantly takes stuff from it ! We have a rule in the house that if you didn’t pay for it you don’t just take it !
we both pay for household food and that is not off limits .

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It was you mentioned a chocolate bar. I but the treats in my house and I have to hide some of them or I’ll get nothing.

What items does he take?

LadyEloise1 · 02/07/2023 09:12

"*........he hides things he buys for himself and then takes other people's stuff."
*
What a charmer. Not !

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/07/2023 09:14

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 00:32

He acknowledges that I’m upset but not what has upset me. He just doesn’t understand why it’s a problem.

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Surely that should say he 'doesn't care that it's a problem'?

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:15

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 08:40

This is giving me strong vibes of a well known article:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Despite the title, it’s by a man who (when it was too late) recognised it wasn’t his actions, it was the total lack of respect for his wife demonstrated by those actions that caused their divorce.

I read that and totally agree that this is how the situation makes me feel , so thank you for that . It’s about a lack or respect and boundaries! If he asked could he have it then I would say yes (unless it was for a specific reason) . He doesn’t understand that I would simply like to be asked !

OP posts:

FloweryWowery · 02/07/2023 09:17

Counselling for DH has been suggested. I can't see how this would help as he doesn't see he has a problem and he doesn't care how OP feels. Counsellors support people who want to change, their role isn't to tell selfish manbabies that they need to share.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 09:18

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:15

I read that and totally agree that this is how the situation makes me feel , so thank you for that . It’s about a lack or respect and boundaries! If he asked could he have it then I would say yes (unless it was for a specific reason) . He doesn’t understand that I would simply like to be asked !

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What does he say when you point out that he hides his stuff so he absolutely does understand that people have stuff they don’t want others to take?

Harshbutfair · 02/07/2023 09:18

RosesAndHellebores · 02/07/2023 09:10

It all sounds very complicated.
If one of us gets a box of chocs as a gift, they are there to be shared with all the family. If one of us gets a bottle.of wine as a gift, it gets put with the rest of the drinks and can be opened by anybody.

DH will buy a Mars bar and eat it on the way home. If there were a packet of Mars bars/biscuits/sweets/cakes at home, they would be for everyone. I don't think a member of this household would weigh into a box of six éclairs without asking because they would sort of know they were for after dinner as a treat.

Similarly, fruit bowl - it's open to all.

I think this is a sharing problem and that both of you have separate issues. I think the op's control and resentment indicates greed and also the dh's snaffling. They are crossing the other's boundary.

Same. Other than actual specific presents (which would probably be shared with everyone anyway) I don't understand the concept of "my food/your food".
I suspect though that if this was the only issue in the marriage OP wouldn't be as incensed as she is. You don't consider leaving someone if the only issue is they take a bit of chocolate you were planning to eat every now and then while keeping their own stash elsewhere, but everything else is going great and you're otherwise very happy.
Or is this really the only challenge in the marriage @Fubar01 ?

Naunet · 02/07/2023 09:18

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:15

I read that and totally agree that this is how the situation makes me feel , so thank you for that . It’s about a lack or respect and boundaries! If he asked could he have it then I would say yes (unless it was for a specific reason) . He doesn’t understand that I would simply like to be asked !

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Of course he understands, he’s not 2, he just doesn’t care.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:19

Cailin66 · 02/07/2023 09:11

It was you mentioned a chocolate bar. I but the treats in my house and I have to hide some of them or I’ll get nothing.

What items does he take?

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I don’t want to have to hide stuff in my own house !

OP posts:

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:19

Naunet · 02/07/2023 09:18

Of course he understands, he’s not 2, he just doesn’t care.

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Sadly you’re probably right

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2023 09:19

I'm sympathetic to you but one thing I notice is you keep saying 'I was raised to...' as if this provides the definitive moral line on domestic issues. Your parents are not in charge here. You are an adult, you make your own choices, adapt, discuss, negotiate with other adults around you, to create you own adult reality. Your home is the shared home of you and your husband, not an extension of the house you grew up in.

You sound stubborn and inflexible - much as he sounds greedy and selfish.

Might he be rebelling, in a childish way, against you acting like his mum / his perception of you as 'the mum of the house' and himself as refusing to be your child?

It sounds as though neither of you has the slightest interest in seeing things form the other person's point of view, or in adapting your behaviour. Are you ever able to discuss things? To acknowledge that it doesn't matter if you 'get' the other person's pov and feelings, you recognise that those ARE their experiences and feelings?

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 09:20

LadyEloise1 · 02/07/2023 09:12

"*........he hides things he buys for himself and then takes other people's stuff."
*
What a charmer. Not !

This what some posters are not getting. HIS stuff is hidden and for HIM only.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:24

Harshbutfair · 02/07/2023 09:18

Same. Other than actual specific presents (which would probably be shared with everyone anyway) I don't understand the concept of "my food/your food".
I suspect though that if this was the only issue in the marriage OP wouldn't be as incensed as she is. You don't consider leaving someone if the only issue is they take a bit of chocolate you were planning to eat every now and then while keeping their own stash elsewhere, but everything else is going great and you're otherwise very happy.
Or is this really the only challenge in the marriage @Fubar01 ?

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I don’t think it’s complicated at all . All household food that is bought for everyone is fair game . Things that you buy for yourself are not ! It’s about a lack of respect! My older children buy their own snacks (I don’t buy snacks) my younger children are bought a treat at the weekend . I will occasionally buy a bar of chocolate and if I want to share it I will . I just think that if you have bought something specifically for yourself other people shouldn’t take it without asking.

OP posts:

JeminaSunshine · 02/07/2023 09:24

He knows how fucking annoying it is, that's why he hides his stuff.

I honestly would leave him.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/07/2023 09:25

This what some posters are not getting. HIS stuff is hidden and for HIM only.

yes exactly!!! The fact that he does this shows he clearly does understand, he just doesn’t care. As a PP said, sheer male entitlement

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:29

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 09:18

What does he say when you point out that he hides his stuff so he absolutely does understand that people have stuff they don’t want others to take?

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He doesn’t really say anything.

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 02/07/2023 09:29

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:04

No I don’t buy treats including biscuits, cake etc . We each buy our own and my younger children get bought a treat at the weekend.

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@Fubar01 you all buy your own biscuits? And put them in a communal cupboard? But don't share?

I think that's a strange way to live

If a woman posted that her DH bought chocolate but wouldn't allow her to eat it, the replies would be different

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:31

He bought me a very expensive shower gel that I like for Christmas one year and proceeded to use pretty much all of it !

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 02/07/2023 09:31

I couldn't be with a man who stole things from my kids, especially when he keeps his own treats to himself. He understands, of course he bloody does. Otherwise his treats would be up for grabs too. He just sees the rest of you as less than. Which is why he's entitled to everything, and you're entitled to nothing.

MsRosley · 02/07/2023 09:32

My husband can be a bit of a guzzler but he does respect my boundaries: no touching anything bought by me for me, or bought by someone else for me. Even with household treats he is not allowed to eat more than half. Just because I am not greedy and like to spread out a treat over several days does not give him the right just to pig the whole lot in one go and leave me next to nothing. He now accepts that, though it took a few arguments to get there.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 09:33

NeedToChangeName · 02/07/2023 09:29

@Fubar01 you all buy your own biscuits? And put them in a communal cupboard? But don't share?

I think that's a strange way to live

If a woman posted that her DH bought chocolate but wouldn't allow her to eat it, the replies would be different

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The replies wouldn’t be different if that was the set up in their house though.

if she bought and hid her own stuff and then scoffed his she’d, rightly, get slated as well