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Original poster

DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

432 replies

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:23

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

OP posts:
coronation2023 · 04/07/2023 09:37

@Becgoz7 I feel sorry for you

You seem so ghastly and smug

Becgoz7 · 04/07/2023 10:27

Coming from someone that calls someone else ghastly and smug 🥴 ok 🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏

GnomeDePlume · 04/07/2023 10:42

KJaggard1 · 04/07/2023 07:22

if you read what I said it is ten times harder for people with adhd to use their impulse control than neurotypical people, basically some people with this condition use up all their ability to do that during the day in the shops and office etc or even just around the house and eventually once home and/relaxed they slip, it’s a bit like dieters slipping at the end of the day when they’re tired. It was just a suggestion as this kind of behaviour is strange until you experience adhd with your own eyes.

Show quote history

People I have known with poor impulse control have always had a reaction when they have acted impulsively. Often ashamed or angry (maybe because of shame). But I have never come across someone acting impulsively then just shrugging and walking away - except toddlers who are sociopaths anyway!

This is what makes me think personality disorder. Possibly not helped by recently watching a documentary about Ted Bundy.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 04/07/2023 11:52

Becgoz7 · 04/07/2023 10:27

Coming from someone that calls someone else ghastly and smug 🥴 ok 🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏

Do you actually have anything constructive to add or are you just here to troll?

OP posts:
Madamum18 · 04/07/2023 13:03

I’m not selfish at all ! My son had bought a can of Coke to take to football with him and he put it in the fridge while he got ready . My husband drank the coke and when my son explained that it was for after football my husband just shrugged his shoulders and walked away ! Ands you think I’m selfish

That is astonishingly selfish, self absorbed and unkind. I am not surprised that you are at the ned of your tether

Also his response to your statement that you want a divorce shows a complete lack of empathy or caring towards you or anyone else really; he just seems to want to come out on top and "win" in the argument whilst making everything your fault feeling as you feel.

I am sorry that you are in this position and hope that you can find a way forward Flowers

Becgoz7 · 04/07/2023 13:21

This reply has been deleted

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Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:25

Jesus. I’m glad I’m not in some of the whats-yours-is-mine families on here. Fuck that noise.

They’re the weirdos, not you @Fubar01.

Your H is awful, disrespectful, grabbing, entitled and a liar. I hope you get away from him soon.

Talia99 · 04/07/2023 13:53

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So just a complete failure to comprehend what the OP has posted since she says she has spoken to her husband multiple times.

OK, then.

Also, I’m pretty sure being married to someone like OP’s husband is a real problem. Another failure to realise other people don’t live your exact life / have your exact preferences on your part? Have you thought about obtaining help? That level of obtuseness really isn’t normal.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 04/07/2023 14:14

Talia99 · 04/07/2023 13:53

So just a complete failure to comprehend what the OP has posted since she says she has spoken to her husband multiple times.

OK, then.

Also, I’m pretty sure being married to someone like OP’s husband is a real problem. Another failure to realise other people don’t live your exact life / have your exact preferences on your part? Have you thought about obtaining help? That level of obtuseness really isn’t normal.

Show quote history

@Becgoz7 as opposed to being a dick to strangers on the internet?
alrighty then ! I take on board what you have said , listen to it and throw it in the trash where it belongs!
Have a fabulous day you delightfully repugnant human being !

OP posts:
Original poster
Fubar01 · 04/07/2023 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Fubar01 · 04/07/2023 14:21

@Talia99 I think @Becgoz7 is best ignored . They possibly have some issues of their own . Either that or are just a thoroughly unpleasant person .

OP posts:
coronation2023 · 04/07/2023 15:39

@Becgoz7

Yes utterly ghastly
HTH

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2023 15:58

@Fubar01

Someone upthread suggested putting a lock on the 'treats' cupboard. Honestly, I would do this, simply to make the point "If you can't leave other people's stuff alone and/or take only your share of the family treats, then you can't have access to the shared cupboard at all". And I'd buy lockable food boxes for each family member for the fridge to make a similar point.

It would be interesting to see his reaction. Would he be driven enough by his 'I want it' to actually break a box or pry a lock off the cupboard to get what he wants?

We had a coworker who was an inveterate food, milk, drink thief. We all knew who it was but because he was never 'caught in the act' there was nothing mgmt could do. Some of us started keeping our lunches & drinks in a small cooler at our desks but others bought the lock boxes.

Luckily, he wasn't bold enough to break the lock boxes or rifle through our cubbies. He WAS bold enough to eat other people's food in the lunchroom as long as it wasn't in front of the 'owner'.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2023 16:01

Or on second thought, just get rid of him. Such a lack of awareness must manifest itself in other unpleasant ways anyway.

Have you ever seen a solicitor about divorce? Maybe that would be a good idea. Not to necessarily file the papers, just to find out what's what and how or if you can get him out of the house. Since you're married that may give him some sort of rights regarding the house. Best to know ahead of time!

Original poster
Fubar01 · 04/07/2023 16:18

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2023 16:01

Or on second thought, just get rid of him. Such a lack of awareness must manifest itself in other unpleasant ways anyway.

Have you ever seen a solicitor about divorce? Maybe that would be a good idea. Not to necessarily file the papers, just to find out what's what and how or if you can get him out of the house. Since you're married that may give him some sort of rights regarding the house. Best to know ahead of time!

The house is mine so no issues re that, just he is stubbornly staying put . I’ve an appointment in a couple of weeks with my solicitor so will get something sorted then .
He really doesn’t see what is wrong with his behaviour and told me that I’m being over dramatic about everything! So we can add gaslighter to the list of his unpleasant traits .
someone asked earlier why i married him and to be honest this behaviour has got worse in the last few years , probably because the older children didn’t have the treats they have now ! Although he did eat a box of chocolates that my daughter got for her 14th birthday and blamed everybody else for it !!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 04/07/2023 16:55

He gives zero fucks. The lying would kill it for me, the gaslighting is also awful.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2023 17:16

Fubar01 · 04/07/2023 16:18

The house is mine so no issues re that, just he is stubbornly staying put . I’ve an appointment in a couple of weeks with my solicitor so will get something sorted then .
He really doesn’t see what is wrong with his behaviour and told me that I’m being over dramatic about everything! So we can add gaslighter to the list of his unpleasant traits .
someone asked earlier why i married him and to be honest this behaviour has got worse in the last few years , probably because the older children didn’t have the treats they have now ! Although he did eat a box of chocolates that my daughter got for her 14th birthday and blamed everybody else for it !!

Show quote history

Glad you're seeing the solicitor! Isn't there something though about a home becoming the 'marital home' even if it belonged to one party before marriage. Something about 'registering home rights'? I'm not in the UK so not familiar, but I seem to remember women being told to 'register their rights' when their name isn't on the deeds.

Since you've told him 'I'm done' and he refuses believe you or to leave, I think that once you've seen the solicitor and know what's what it will be time to put your words into 'action'. If there is a spare bedroom, move into it or move his shit into it. Stop cooking, cleaning, laundry, all 'domestic duties' for him. I assume finances are separate, but if not separate them. Begin to live a separate life.

The reason I say to wait til you've seen your Sol is so that you can take advice as to whether or not this would be the wisest course of action. Also, I have a feeling that he thinks his words are 'powerful' enough to gaslight you into giving in. You don't want to 'forewarn' him that you are serious because then he might try to take preemptive action. I'd behave as 'normal' for now until you know the best way to get him out and have your ducks in a legal row.

billy1966 · 04/07/2023 17:24

Your house?

Wait for him to leave.

Locks changed.

Bag up his stuff.

Tell the children not to open the door and ring the police should he kick up.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

I feel so sorry for your children.

He couldn't care less and has zero regard for any of them.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/07/2023 17:29

I'm sorry to say that if you are married then he has certain rights to the marital home (and savings etc) so please get legal advice first. If he's only a partner then you can kick him out.

FootieMama · 04/07/2023 19:41

My DH was a bit like this minus the lying and hiding his stuff. But he would eat the kids sweets amking them upset, used the towels I was using, my sleepers. Also moved my personal papers and once even shredded an important document. Couldn't trust that he would leave anything alone. Had a MASSIVE blow out about it. Shouted like a mad woman. Only than he started to take me seriously. I think he didnt really believe until than that I he was really upsetting me because he really didn't see it as a problem.
Every now and than he forgets but there is an apology and some sort of amends.
I think he was brought up without much privacy at home. Nothing was really his.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 20:36

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 00:32

He acknowledges that I’m upset but not what has upset me. He just doesn’t understand why it’s a problem.

Show quote history

If he hides the things he wants to save for himself, he dang well knows why it's a problem.

Him acting daft doesn't change that fact.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/07/2023 20:46

billy1966 · 04/07/2023 17:24

Your house?

Wait for him to leave.

Locks changed.

Bag up his stuff.

Tell the children not to open the door and ring the police should he kick up.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

I feel so sorry for your children.

He couldn't care less and has zero regard for any of them.

I'd be tempted to do this, too.

He may or may not have legal right to part value of the house, but if it is in your name he can't just move back in. He'd have to get lawyer and go down a legal route - and he could possibly still not get back in, but could claim a proportion of the value.

BTW - IANAL and may be wrong about this, so please get proper advice.

katepilar · 04/07/2023 21:24

sheworemellowyellow · 02/07/2023 17:20

I think it’s a bit dramatic to end a marriage over this.

If it really is about a lack of respect for you, and a disregard of boundaries, you’d be experiencing it in other ways too.

This is mostly about food and small change. Little stuff. This problem can be solved in a practical way, however beneath you it might feel: he does a weekly shop for all his treat foodstuffs; you all keep your stuff locked away; you agree a budget and one of you does a bulk buy of treat foods (I can’t wrap my head around a child buying a single can of Coke each time he has football practice: can’t you buy the lad a six pack and keep it in the fridge for him? It’s cheaper and easier)

You haven’t mentioned that money is tight, so it’s not like he’s eating your share of the food budget. He just doesn’t get, or doesn’t want to get this specific point. Yes that makes him a shit, but is it really worth divorcing over?

It absolutely not dramatic. Lack of respect for your partner is a real dealbreaker.

Re the coke - absolutely not your businnes to tell the OP its easier to buy and store it your way.

Totaly · 04/07/2023 23:38

I can’t wrap my head around a child buying a single can of Coke each time he has football practice: can’t you buy the lad a six pack and keep it in the fridge for him? It’s cheaper and easier

Her DH would drink all 6 cans?

Totaly · 04/07/2023 23:40

Oh and easier for who? Oh that’s right OH should do the lackie work so her DH doesn’t have to and he can pilfer more stuff?

3 teens here all have cars go to work college - if they bring a drink home for the next day they would expect to see it still in the fridge!