DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

[Fubar01]

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

What stuff is there to hide? We don’t tend to have food that belongs to one person, it’s generally open to everyone. I can’t think of anything off hand that we wouldn’t share. My dh has a monthly ipa delivery that our son would drink most of when he lived at home, was never an issue. Still happens when he visits 🤣

I'd have asked him why he hides his things then

He’s selfish and spoilt. He was probably indulged as a child and acted in a similar way. He thinks he’s top dog and can take what he wants, while hiding his things to make sure you and the other beta dogs can’t have them. He knows this is wrong because he lies. He knows it upsets you but he still does it because he’s alpha dog and more important than you.

I wouldn’t care if it was petty. I’d be taking his things and I’d carry on doing it until the selfish git got the message.

So he takes your family members stuff as well? What do they have to say about it?

This basically sums it up. Just no respect. He does understand. He’s choosing to do things anyway.

I'd happily share gifted chocolates and wine with DH - the key word of course being share. Someone taking a present for themselves isn't sharing, they're taking. OP's DH is doing it deliberately as he lies about it and hides his own stuff.

So what's yours is his & what's his is his own?

I doubt that he doesn't understand- more likely that he just doesn't care!

Unless you regularly buy chocolate for everyone as a shopping staple why would anyone assume a chocolate bar they didn't buy was put there for anyone to help themselves to? Do people normally buy Chocolate like a pack of biscuits?

To quote my favourite line from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, “E’s a Fucking Fieffff!”

Why are you buying into the idea he needs to ‘understand’ before heeding your wishes? He doesn’t need to ‘understand’, he just needs to do it. He knows it upsets you and he knows it would upset him if the boot were on the other foot (hence he hides his own special stuff).

This is not about him not ‘understanding’, this is about him deciding his wants are more important than yours. That he’s more important than you. That your wishes and feelings don’t matter.

I would find this a massive turn off, but if you think you can salvage your feelings for him, then point out the above and ask him why he hides his own stuff. And why he lies if he doesn’t think anything’s wrong. Then wait until he’s due to play golf and drive off with his golf clubs in the boot if your car and stay out for 6 hours. After all, you didn’t ‘understand’ what this issue was, you were just sharing.

Do people normally buy Chocolate like a pack of biscuits?

Yes, in our house we do.
Everything is open to share, whether it's coins in a bowl, food, chocolate.
We have our favourite food items, but if OH eats "mine" or I "his", it's no big deal.
No concept of stealing from each other in our relationship.

Yes he does. He just doesn’t want you to believe he understands what the problem is because then he’d have to stop nicking your stuff!

He does it because he thinks, at his core, that he’s more important than you.

Everyone going on about how they share everything - the point is that this “sharing” is not reciprocal! OP’s husband does not share his things, what’s his is his and what’s anyone else’s is his.

If I go to the shop and buy a mars (my favourite) and a twix (his favourite) and put them in the cupboard, and that evening he eats them both, that’s not nice behaviour because it’s clear I bought one for me, but if he said “I’m sorry I was just really desperate for chocolate” I’d be ok with it. If he doesn’t apologise, and I confront him and say please do not do that again, and he does, again and again for years, that’s shitty behaviour that shows total disregard for the partner.

I had an XH who was like this. He claimed similar. He understands perfectly well why its a problem. It's upsetting you, and in a healthy relationship your feelings would be taken into account.

Please don't get into the mindset of thinking if only you explained it in the right way, he would get it, and take it on board.

He knows you are upset and doesn't care enough to stop doing it.

I hope you can get him to marriage counselling or otherwise finding a way of stopping it. I didn't unfortunately, and it was part of a pattern where XH was the most important person in the family.

Divorced many years, and XH now regrets the end of the marriage, as he's found that the current wife won't accomodate him much more, and he might as well have stayed married to me. But it wasn't an option.

PS. The current MrSponge wouldn't dream of doing this, and I am a happier bunny now. Good luck.

Agree with others, it's a waste trying to get him to understand. It's unlikely he's really that clueless. He understands perfectly well, but it benefits him to play the part of dopey husband who "just doesn't think". He doesn't want to change his ways.

The stealing is one thing, but continuing to do something when you've made it very clear it upsets you is definitely red flag territory.

You should have just taken them. Why did you ask?

Hack a bit of grass, throw them back into the bag filthy and then deny all knowledge.

He definitely understands that it upsets you but he doesn't care enough about your feelings to stop doing it.
It actually sounds to me like he resents you and this is passive aggressive behaviour to show you that - though you'll probably never know what the actual reason is.

He won't stop doing it. That's all you really need too know. You can decide whether to put up with it or not, but you'll never get him to change as he just doesn't want to.

So he's a liar and a thief who steals other people's things including their money.

LTB

Ok
.. so you have told him the marriage is over.

Have you booked a solicitor's appointment or was it an empty threat?

You're going to need to start lacing things with VERY hot chilli. At least amuse yourself.

Does he take things from the children, e.g. food or treats intended for them? Is he cavalier with things and breaks them?

If he’s also like this with the children, then he’s ‘king of his own dung-heap’ and telling you all so.

Also, regarding the children he’s not modelling good behaviour if he lies and hides and steals stuff. So the problem spirals if that’s what they’re seeing.

Do you have joint finances and does he spend on ‘his’ stuff from your communal pot leaving you short, or leaving you to pay all the bills leaving him free to buy the fun stuff, or do you have separate finances?

Financially, I’d be concerned he was fiddling taxes etc, or not paying bills, if he was that inclined to lie, hide and steal. Or worse, laying away money so you can’t get at it.

He’s not a good husband and father if he lies to his own wife and children even about small stuff. I’d wonder what bigger lies were being told.

I think he should talk to a psychologist/therapist OP. My Dad has so many issues with food hoarding and eating, and it's all to do with his childhood poverty in 1950s London, living off reheated dripping and mouldy bread. He gets instantly and mildly aggressive with his food, even with his grandchildren, for example he hides the things he wants even if it's been bought for the kids. He can be quite controlling with my Mum's food and get cross with here for leaving leftovers, which all have to be eaten and stored the next day, even used cereal. My mum needs to keep the belly fat off as well because of a heart condition and risk of diabetes.

My DH and I must be weird because we share everything! Food in the fridge, drinks, even loose change left on the table! We wouldn’t take money out of each others’ purse / wallet or take stuff out of bags - we would ask first. But anything in a public space such as food cupboard, fridge or on a table is open house.

You seem to have fundamental differences in values and ethics, it is really hard to have a long term relationship with that.

I buy chocolate when I do a food shop. It goes in the fridge and can be eaten by anyone. If I fancy a bar of chocolate and there’s none in the fridge, I go to the shop, buy one and eat it straight away.