DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

[Fubar01]

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

I would say that you were being “arsey” with your initial comment. I was just responding to your comment. As I said just because you live a certain way doesn’t mean everyone else should!

@Becgoz7 but if someone had purchased something for a specific purpose would you consider that fair game?

OP has already explained, this isn't about normal food but the husband helping himself to other people's treats while at the same time hiding his own.

There is something sociopathic about the behaviour. He knows it upsets other people but he doesn't care.

A marriage can be killed by a single punch or a thousand cuts. To me this is the latter. It isn't a one off mistake for which he has apologised it is continuous behaviour.

It sounds as if he has a severe character flaw in believing everything under your roof is his but far worse lying about it. Is lying one of his normal way of life?

Except that’s not what’s happening is it. What’s happening is there is collective stuff for everyone

but DH is keeping his stuff hidden away and not sharing it and then helping himself to everyone else’s stuff even when asked very specifically eg when it was a present for someone not to take it

Your kids are going to have a bad time out in the real world when they leave home !

We don't really have our own specific treats or anything so I don't really understand.

The only time someone in our house has something that is theirs only would be if no one else likes it and I get it specifically for them.

If someone wanted something and someone else had eaten it I'd just pop out and get more.

Wow, so he doesn't share his stuff but takes your stuff instead?

I'd be looting his stash and selling his stuff on ebay to replace what he's taken. After all, share and share alike!

It's deffo the husbands fault not the OPs. It is very clear that what he does is not the normal just helping himself from a communal stash.

So is this OK by you if your spouse takes things then lies that they didn't. So taking is OK and lying is OK. Does taking communal money to buy things then bring them home and hide them, is that OK too?

Would you take your child’s lunch or drink when you know they’ve brought it especially for after football training? If he wanted a can of coke he could’ve gone to the shop and brought one.
In my fridge DD1 has a KitKat, DD2 has treated herself to a Redbull which she’ll take to work and DS has some chocolate. None of those things are mine -

So glad you decided enough was enough. Who would want to stay married to a liar and a thief. He is one sicko!

If someone wanted something and someone else had eaten it I'd just pop out and get more.

As pp have mentioned though, the OP's H does has a concept of things being for specific people, because he hides his own stuff. It's other people's stuff he has no respect for.

Plus, there are situations in which it's inconvenient or just not possible to go and get more stuff. Given the cost of food at the moment, some people aren't going to be able to afford it. If you're in a rural area, it's not that simple getting to a shop that is open. There are many reasons why people lead their lives somewhat differently from each other.

Given that the OP has a setup in which people within a household have some shared stuff, and some that is their own, it's unreasonable just to take other people's stuff without asking and without any consideration for their wants or needs.

Even LadBible knows this kind of behaviour is a big red flag

https://www.ladbible.com/community/ref-flags-relationship-warning-signs-406071-20230702?source=facebookstatic&fbclid=IwAR0kcSyIpyqBRWvIhwq5idutOULy_LuQj3EOpp2H2k3YLiDq2ArLgdgSSJY

@Becgoz7 it isn't really about what form the treat takes. Maybe in your family you don't have edible treats. Do any of you have other treat/special items? Could be skincare, hair care, bath bombs, toys. It doesn't matter what it is. Imagine you have this special item, you are looking forward to enjoying it except when you go to use it you find it gone because someone else felt like having it. They didn't ask and don't care that you are disappointed.

I gave my DM some very expensive chocolates for her birthday present. They are her absolute favourites. I would be very annoyed if I found out someone else had eaten the lot because they felt like it without having checked with DM first.

No we don't, I got some hair and skin care products for my birthday and my daughter will use them, I guess we just aren't that type of family.

I also got biscuits for my birthday and just put them out for everyone.

Op I hear you. My ex DH used to do the same, anything of mine he wanted he would just take and never replace. Chargers, sunglasses, food, batteries out of my devices. If I complained he would act as though I was being hopelessly petty. He was an only child raised by pathologically selfish parents and never learned to share or respect other people's needs.

I said it before in this thread, I find it completely baffling how many people are overcome with stunned amazement to find that not everyone runs their families / homes the same way they do. I’m even more amazed by the subsection who find anyone who does anything different to them to be ‘weird’ or ‘wrong’.

Where are these people from that nobody who lives there ever deviates from the ‘one true way’ to do things?

Do you struggle in general with understanding that not everyone does things the same as you?

Do you have some kind of disorder that results in confusion about perfectly simple but different view that others hold?

It's really not that hard

How funny, I was typing exactly the same sentiment at the same time

Maybe they never go out or know anyone outside their own family, that 's what's weird

I can't imagine that they have jobs or interact with others

Well OP's husband wouldn't have put the biscuits out for the family. He would have hidden them so they couldn't have any of 'his' biscuits.

Yet he would happily finished off any biscuits anyone else put out for sharing.

What's his is his, what's theirs is his.

That's the issue.

All these people who share freely and cannot understand your POV probably live with people who would not do what OP's DH is doing. They would not open and enjoy a gift given to the other person. They would not take what someone had bought for themselves for a specific reason/occasion and not see why they are pissed off.

There's a difference between sharing and taking. He is taking.

Absolutely I can see why this is potentially relationship ending.
He does not respect you and has no empathy.

😆

For everyone saying this sort of behaviour is OK, it's not really about the item itself - be it cake, chocolate, face cream or whatever. It's about being able to plan on the basis of it still being there when you want or need it.

If actually you can't trust that whatever you leave will still be there when you come back to it, then the rational thing to do is to scoff or use it up as quickly as you can before anyone else can get to it. Even if this promotes waste, reduces enjoyment or destroys utility - so you eat cake or chocolate when you're not hungry because you know they might not be there later, you drink a warm can of Coke because you can't trust that it will still be in the fridge, you slather on face cream or shower gel before someone else comes along and nicks it. All of which are wasteful or reduce enjoyment.

Look up the Tragedy of the Commons - there is no incentive to exercise rational self-restraint unless those around you do so too and the overall outcome is that everyone loses out.

What is that “type” of family ? A family that doesn’t do what you do ?

You don't take things that don't belong to you. My dad was a taker, you couldn't leave sixpence without it disappeared. He'd laugh when you asked where things were. I hated it. I'm sorry to say it cost him my respect. I couldn't live with a man who takes without asking. Lying about it would finish me.