DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

[Fubar01]

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

Buy a lock box and put your stuff in it. Explain that even a small child understands you don't take other people's things. Call him the kleptomaniac if he persists. He has a seriously narcissistic attitude.

On a lighter note, I had a flatmate who did this although they did pay you back eventually. They stopped when they took my carton of Tropicana Sanguinello which cost about £5-6 at the time. They'd chugged it down like it was 50p juice... They spent the rest of the time I lived there not taking my things and shaking their head at the price of my juice. 😂

I would hate living in @Becgoz7 ’s family. Nothing is yours, everything has to be shared, even something that is treasured or valued. I have never needed to go as far as you, @Fubar01 because I’ve never lived with someone like your ‘D’H but I have also never lived with anyone who would just assume everything I have is for the taking. It sounds awful.

I have a feeling any children @Becgoz7 has are in for a nasty shock if they ever house share. That sort of behaviour will not go down well!

But that's your choice to share

They didn't just help themselves.

But what's the point of buying you stuff if you hand it over to your daughter?

I guess we just aren't that type of family.

What do you mean by "that type of family". To me a family that respects boundaries is a decent family. All of us are entitled to our "special" things which we ask others not to use. Your family doesn't care who uses/ eats what - that is your choice.

I also got biscuits for my birthday and just put them out for everyone.

I also got biscuits for my birthday and just put them out for everyone.

Again - YOUR choice. If these had been biscuits that you regarded as a real treat, you would have been reasonable to keep them separate so that when you wanted to treat yourself (or others) to one, you could.

YOUR choice.

I agree - nothing personal, nothing private? Dreadful!

I just don’t understand how some people think that the way they live is the only way to live ! It might be your situation but it’s not strange or weird !
Agree about the children . Not teaching children boundaries is going to leave them open to a a whole world of problems!

By the sound of it, teaching them that having boundaries is wrong and makes you ‘that type of family’ (with the implication that is bad). I can’t see any way that lesson could go horribly wrong.

What? I generally buy/order food items for the family based on what I think everyone will want from our common account, and we all share. If some items go faster and there is not enough for the week we get more at the next opportunity. I am happy that things are consumed, means I am getting a good idea of what we want. Would never consider it theft!

I take it you haven’t read the whole thread or even just all the OP’s posts since she explains at length why this isn’t relevant to her situation.

🤯

When you say you have tried everything you can possibly think of, have you actually tried some of the suggestions here? Or will you try them?
e.g.
hunt down his stash of snacks every day, bin it or re-hide it for yourself, then deny all knowledge.
Hide his keys/wallet/phone and deny all knowledge.
Take cash from his wallet and just shrug when he asks you about it.
Take his golf clubs or whatever else is precious to him, and just have good old play with them. Leave them in a mess and dirty.

Because you have three choices here: either you have to fight fire with fire (as explaining / talking does not get through to him) or you put up with it for the rest of your life, or you divorce.

Kind of got the gist of it, this referred to very special treats that each person gets and the husband hiding stuff away. Ok, the latter suggests a weird dynamic and I suppose things take different patterns depending on what is the initial set up. Generally I buy all the treats - my children are still too young to get things themselves, and indeed sometimes some are gone before I had the chance to try them, or that everyones gets a try. I just note it is a popular item and get more of it, within reason, next time. If my partner was dependent of his trips to the shops for basic foods or treats most weeks he would get nothing. Ocasionally I give him a list as he enjoys a visit to Aldi/Lidl now and then, at those times he will get items that cater more specifically to his tastes, but then again, he is not bothered if we have those before he does. I would think is just a more individualistic vs collectivistic approach, and both should be fine. I suppose the problem is the boundaries of a more individualistic approach not being respected.

No we don't, I got some hair and skin care products for my birthday and my daughter will use them, I guess we just aren't that type of family

Why are you teaching your children to not respect other people? Does she take from other children’s pencil cases? Or rummage through her teachers things incase you fancies something? Do you take her birthday gifts she’s been given because ‘you all share’ in this house?

Again, I don’t think you have RTFT or even just the OP’s posts.

If he hides his own things and yet takes yours, I genuinely don’t think he is a nice person. I would not put up with that.

He doesn’t think that though, does he. He thinks he is entitled to anything of yours, including things that were gifts to you, but you’re not entitled to anything of his.

Start with his favourite shirt or top and take it to the charity shop. Take something he likes to the food bank, perhaps his fav aftershave, soap or something he’d miss.

He knows what he's doing. He knows what 'mine' means. Hence hiding his own stuff.

He has a problem with the concept of your stuff.

This is a basic thing that children learn at age 4 or 5.

I would be tempted to buy something you know he would eat, like a box of chocolates, paint some Tabasco over the bottom of each one, let dry, replace in the box, then close up the box neatly and wait.

does he have an adhd diagnosis? If not does he exhibit any symptoms of it? Impulse control is a major issue for those with adhd they have to put about 10 times the effort in to not just act on every desire and whim as the rest of us, they put that effort in in public but at home, worn down, these behaviours slip with items such as you describe.

OP I agree with you. My DH has food-snaffling tendencies but I pull him up on it and he will apologise and replace. And he would never open a gift without asking me if I wanted to open them yet.

The thing is, he gets through sweet things a lot quicker than me, and it’s really upsetting to go and get a piece of chocolate and find it’s already gone. It’s not really sharing or fair of out of a packet of something I get 1 or 2 pieces and he gets 35. It took a while for me to really convey how upset I was. I remember in particular a very long car journey and I had a packet of my “emergency Haribo”. I was doing all the driving and we had a small child so I was permanently tired. He ate all my Haribo whilst I was concentrating on the road. I was really upset. But he knows not to do that now.

Also, a blended family dynamic with older children where the stepfather is stealing items his stepchildren have bought with their own money.

I have said before that he has ADHD tendencies. I’ve tried to encourage him to speak to his Dr but he is reluctant. I would definitely be more understanding if he had a diagnosis of that.

Could it be your husband is from another culture? A culture,where "property" means something different than the meaning we give it? I had a few university friends who were raised in Africa and only came to my country as young-adults. They were thought that everything that belongs to the family belongs to every member of that family. They continued their vision here and they saw me as family - we became really good friends - so I sometimes was missing (name it) food-clothes-my bike-books etc.etc and yes even money. I really had to explain I was happy to share but that they had to ask before they took anything, ánd that If i said "no" they needed to respect that. It's not funny not finding your raincoat and seeing your friend prancing around in it while you are getting wet. They adapted, but with their African friends they never lost the habit.

It isnt the lack of impulse control which shouts out to me. It is his lack of emotion when he has once more taken someone else's thing. The shrugging and walking away is worrying. He knows he shouldn't take other people's things but he just doesn't care. He has no sense of guilt.

I would worry about what he will be like as he gets older. Is this behaviour going to get worse? At the moment it is small things and contained within the family but will it stay that way?

So basically he's greedy. He eats his own stuff then takes other's things. That would make me angry too. When I had 1 child who took all the snacks I put a little lock on the under stairs cupboard and kept other child's snacks in there for them.