DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

[Fubar01]

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

I would say it’s due to his childhood - being rich and spoilt -then going to the other extreme, poor and deprived.
Somehow he believes he deserves more than everyone else and when he wants it.
Counselling.

So divorce him then 🤷‍♀️. People bandy about divorce (or LTB) as the solution to each and every disagreement, even when there are children involved, as though there are no consequences. (I didn’t realise your DS of the single coke cans was 19yo, sorry, makes more sense now).

To me, it’s nothing to do with conditioning or the patriarchy or man versus woman. It’s to do with relationships. If you’ve really tried everything you can think of to get him to understand how disrespected you feel, and notwithstanding all the good things about him you describe (hard worker, does what you want him to do re the children, pulls his weight etc) you cannot overcome this one thing - well, don’t. Leave him. What else is there? Clearly the consequences of divorce won’t impact you as much as this.

I think you are past the point of trying anymore and I don’t blame you.

The only point I think is a bit strange is that you would buy a chocolate bar in the day for that night but wouldn’t think to buy him one too. Most people would buy some for all the family if you are going to eat it in front of them. Also why wouldn’t you think to buy stuff especially for him in the weekly shop?

But I agree on all your other points.

I've know this type of man. Like a Tom Cat spraying, he asserts his dominance all the time. That's why he won't respect your things, he doesn't respect you, thinks you and the children are lesser than him. He will go out of his way to take what isn't his because he likes the buzz. I'd divorce him.

@Fubar01

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ ! He has absolutely no clue of how his actions impacted on other people! I know what I need to do but I can’t physically force him out of the house.

If you are serious about divorce do ensure you get all your ducks in a row as quickly and discreetly as possible. Keep your cards as close to your chest as possible where he's concerned and ensure, given his propensity for hiding his own stuff, that you know his true financial position, as your solicitor will need that information for you to receive a fair proportion of his assets, including pension.

Also your own papers, correspondence etc should be kept somewhere safe, your email account and your own personal bank account, with passwords he cannot access, etc. 🌹

Good for you standing up for yourself and your children.

He knows what he's doing because he doesn't like it (and prevents it happening) to him and his things but he thinks he has a divine right to anything he wants.

If you're at the point of leaving, I can't imagine this is the only issue in your marriage and is more the proverbial straw!!

I’d put good money on the fact that down the line you’ll realise he’s selfish in other ways.

I once ended a 4 year relationship because he put my ketchup in the fridge once too often. In hindsight it was the proverbial straw (25 years on he still tells people I dumped him over ketchip!)

And here lies the issue. When things are in common and have a set place, it’s fine. When they are not, it’s always the person whose stuff belongs to that ends up looking for it, replacing it and dealing with ‘make do’. It’s not ok.

Yes, this. My dad is/ was very like the OP's husband. He just saw everything in the house as his. In my early 20s I lived with my parents - paid rent and contributed to the bills etc. I was doing a hard, physical job and often leaving the house at 5.30am, before any shops were open. Once I was at work, I couldn't just go and get food. So before I went to bed I'd check there was enough food for a packed lunch the next day. Up before 5, go to get my packed lunch - it would have been eaten. And not because he was actually hungry but because after eating a large dinner, he just felt like dipping into something else.

So I'd end up doing an 8 hour shift in a physical job without enough food, because my dad either didn't know or didn't care how his actions impacted on other people. He was the same with toiletries. I was wondering how my expensive shampoo went down so rapidly. Didn't occur to me anyone other than me would use it because we all had our own shampoo. Until the day I switched to tea tree shampoo which my dad used and then complained it burned his scalp. Told him it was my shampoo, bought with my money, for me and he shouldn't have been fucking using it. After that, he did at least leave my toiletries alone.

Maybe I should just have poisoned my food.

Is he like this at work OP?

Is he only like this over food?

DH only did this once - DS would only eat chicken for lunch - DH could have chosen ham, beef, tuna anything other than the chicken. DS was 4 and we had to go the the shop for his dinner - this made us all late and I was cross he was so thoughtless. He’s never done it since.

You DH is capable of learning, he chooses not to.

I hear you OP, and I will be divorcing my H for this too. It's just one thing amongst many where his needs and desires trump mine and the childrens, for no reason except because he has decided.

He used to buy us all our own chocolate every shopping day, he would eat his immediately then eat mine after I went to bed. I hid it, he found it. He took it as a challenge. Never apologised, never replaced it until next shopping day when it happened all over again. He owes me years of chocolate.

He uses my tools that I bought specifically for the house, he uses them then loses them in the garage, or takes them to work or his mums. Never brings them back or buys replacements but I never have a fecking hammer or screwdriver when I need one.

It's every single thing. I can't have anything nice, or special, or mine. My headphones are wrecked and in the living room but his are pristine in his bedroom. I put mine away and by morning mine are out smeared in food, tossed on the floor. It just grinds you down.

You have a choice. Either leave or carry on living with resentment and frustration for the next twenty or thirty years. He will never change.

Why are you teaching your daughters that then?

It isn't something being taught to girls at all where I live or in my circles.

Women are capable, competent adults who can make their own decisions and choices in life. Some make good decisions and some make bad decisions. No different from men. Women live the lives they have chosen and created and they have complete agency to make different decisions if they wish. If OP wants to divorce him, then do so.

The man sounds like he hasn't got a conscience

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !

Tell him you don't give a fuck whether he 'takes your word for it'. You don't like his behaviour, have told him and he thinks he can negotiate away your boundaries by simply pretending they don't exist. You don't need his permission or agreement to divorce him.

He sounds exhausting and infuriating, get rid of him, he's a selfish arsehole.

Thanks for all your replies. I have tried to reply to as many comments as possible but I didn’t realise there would be so many !
what it boils down to is a lack respect it’s not about a “chocolate bar” or a “can of coke” it’s about the way
he makes me feel when he does these things . He has said he has issues around food , but has never sought help for it ! But it’s also his lack of understanding of why other people would be annoyed.
He honestly doesn’t understand why it’s not nice to do that to other people. Even though it’s been explained to him many , many times . I don’t think it’s as simple as he’s a pig , or selfish. I think there are some underlying issues but even after asking him to see someone he still refuses.
So it’s basically my choice whether I can live like it for the rest of my
life . And at this present time the answer is sadly no!
Si thanks again it’s been good to get input from other people. ♥️

I did buy him chocolate if I’m getting myself some, but if I only ate half of my bar and put in the cupboard to have the next day he would eat that too !

'Because I wanted it'

Wow. That gave me chills.

You know you're dating a psychopath right?
Either that or he has some severe mental impairment where he never developed past the age of 5 in terms of empathy.

Dating? They're married! But I agree with you, although in an earlier post I used the work sociopathic. Whatever it is, it's abnormal.

@Fubar01 Honestly, I'd leave. It's not about chocolate or Coke. It's about feeling respected and feeling 'secure' in one's own home and one's own 'possessions', whether it's a chocolate bar of a Tiffany tennis bracelet.

DH and I will offer the other some of this or that most of the time or to share shampoo, etc, but neither of us would just take or use something the other has specially purchased without asking first. That's just polite. And just because you are a family or live in the same household that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to say 'Hey guys, this is mine'.

What actual consequences does he have when he does take something.

You wouldn’t bring a child up so they experience no consequences to unpleasant behaviour. How would they learn that if they behave badly they lose privileges or if they steal they lose their own stuff

You aren’t taking anything from him that doesn’t belong to you as it is repayment for goods and services he has used of yours and the cost of your time and expense to replace those things and an extra bit for having to do all this in the first place

Until you put in consequences to his actions then he will keep doing what he does. Why would he stop?

I would be putting the actual chocolate away safely wrapped and hidden and using the wrapper to enclose some “special chocolate” and let him suffer the consequences.

Diabetic chocolate has a laxative effect if eaten in quantity, I believe. . .

It's weird, if there's money on the side, whoever needs it takes it (2 adult children, me, husband and an 11 year old) drinks and food are just for whoever wants them. This really confuses me

Why does it confuse you ? You live how you chose and we live as we chose . Just because we don’t do things differently it doesn’t make that confusing!

So because I don't agree with you, you get arsey 🤣 I'd say it's you with the problem not your husband 😱🥴

There is food that everyone can have , I shop weekly for everyone and those foods are not off limits to anyone! I am talking about things that you have treated yourself to or things that have been gifted to a certain person.
There are 2 adult children in the house who like to buy themselves certain treats or snacks and he doesn’t ask if he can have them , he just takes them !
If you think that is weird then hey ho !