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Original poster

DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

432 replies

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:23

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

OP posts:
Back21970 · 03/07/2023 21:00

He sounds selfish, greedy and thoughtless - it must be very frustrating for you and the kids.

Some of the comments defending his behaviour on here are ridiculous - it’s about respect and boundaries not a can of coke or chocolate bar.

If it was one of the kids doing it would that be ok?

It’s rude to take other peoples stuff without asking and even more do if you know you are pissing them off!

Becgoz7 · 03/07/2023 21:01

I feel sorry for you.

Timebomb1 · 03/07/2023 21:01

IHateLegDay · 02/07/2023 00:52

Put the whole man in the bin.

I love this 🤣

GnomeDePlume · 03/07/2023 21:48

I do wonder what adult DCs of totally communal homes feel. Do they keep it up when they have homes of their own or do they go the the other way and jealously guard everything?

I expect it will depend to an extent on how much free will they had as children. Was sharing everything a choice or compulsory.

Thelnebriati · 03/07/2023 21:53

I do wonder what adult DCs of totally communal homes feel. Do they keep it up when they have homes of their own or do they go the the other way and jealously guard everything?

I have some things which are precious and mine only. I don't jealously guard them but they are things that I'm pleased to own. I feel upset if they get damaged. Other (easily replaceable) things are totally communal. My family understand and go along with it, with the occasional leg pulling.

LolaSmiles · 03/07/2023 21:59

I do wonder what adult DCs of totally communal homes feel. Do they keep it up when they have homes of their own or do they go the the other way and jealously guard everything?
Ours was selectively communal which I disliked as it was always a guessing game on whether something was or wasn't considered to be a treat and then every now and then you'd find something in a random place. Technically everything was bought for everyone but there was still weird behaviour attached to certain things.

My home as an adult is largely communal. Gifts are for individuals and are never touched unless offered. The snack drawer/biscuit tin/kitchen cupboards are for everyone unless there's something they specifically want leaving. E.g I might say to DH that I've picked up a salad box for my lunch or he might say he's got some drinks in earmarked for going to a friend's house. I find it much more respectful.

Devora13 · 03/07/2023 22:27

Sounds like our teenager to be honest. Looking at ADHD assessment.

changeme4this · 03/07/2023 22:33

Do you have a lot of things in the house that belong specifically to just one person? Is the ownership easily identifiable such as a post it note with a name placed on the item?

does the family/DH have access to fresh fruit and other snack options if anyone feels like nibbling on something?

im with a previous poster in that when adult DC return home it’s open slather on the pantry/home made sausage rolls/cake and whatever else appeals that’s sitting in there.

I can only think of one time when I was cranky about stuff going from our pantry and that was when my cousin stayed over and helped herself very quietly to all the junk (some of it quite dated) from the shelf we keep lollies and chocolates on.

It wasn’t that she had eaten it, but that she has a eating disorder and won’t eat proper nutritious food at meal times and didn’t let me know we had run out of chocolate when DH went to eat a row…

Maybe you need to buy a plastic tray for each member to allocate whose is whose? If he eats or uses ‘his’ then he writes it up in a shopping list or goes and buys more. That’s my only solution.

Totaly · 03/07/2023 22:36

changeme4this

Can you go and read the thread? Or even just the OP posts?

EKGEMS · 03/07/2023 22:39

@changeme4this Read the OP's posts its surprisingly easy to know the full story of you do before posting

Talia99 · 03/07/2023 22:42

changeme4this · 03/07/2023 22:33

Do you have a lot of things in the house that belong specifically to just one person? Is the ownership easily identifiable such as a post it note with a name placed on the item?

does the family/DH have access to fresh fruit and other snack options if anyone feels like nibbling on something?

im with a previous poster in that when adult DC return home it’s open slather on the pantry/home made sausage rolls/cake and whatever else appeals that’s sitting in there.

I can only think of one time when I was cranky about stuff going from our pantry and that was when my cousin stayed over and helped herself very quietly to all the junk (some of it quite dated) from the shelf we keep lollies and chocolates on.

It wasn’t that she had eaten it, but that she has a eating disorder and won’t eat proper nutritious food at meal times and didn’t let me know we had run out of chocolate when DH went to eat a row…

Maybe you need to buy a plastic tray for each member to allocate whose is whose? If he eats or uses ‘his’ then he writes it up in a shopping list or goes and buys more. That’s my only solution.

If you click on ‘see all’ in the first post it will show you all the OP’s posts.

They will answer your questions and also explain why your advice is completely useless.

KJaggard1 · 03/07/2023 22:55

If you really believe he probably has it then look into it without discussing it too much with him and then maybe you’ll feel more able to give him a bit of grace over these things even without a doctors official say so. If it’s impulse control issues he really in all likelihood hasn’t got the capacity to police himself consistently at home and it’s not a reflection of how he feels about you or how much he respects you. His reaction will just be a defence because he knows he shouldn’t really do it but acknowledging that means changing and he knows he’s not capable of it but doesn’t necessarily understand why.

Devora13 · 03/07/2023 23:46

Another issue (if it's been mentioned and I've missed it, just scroll on by) is the concept of 'taking your fair share.' Even if it's about items that have been bought for everyone to share, it would seriously piss me off if one person scoffed the lot and didn't leave any for others. There is a concept, when living in a group of any kind, of being group mind not self minded.

SaponificationQueen · 03/07/2023 23:59

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:33

Yes we do . It’s not a communal cupboard as in everyone can take from it . It’s a cupboard that those sort of things can be put in and everyone knows you don’t take anything that isn’t yours . My children don’t have a problem with it. It works well for everyone else but him .

Show quote history

I would consider putting a lock on that cupboard.

RecklessGoddess · 04/07/2023 00:08

Put something he likes out, but add salt to it or something that will be equally as disgusting. He'll help himself to it, then when he eats or drinks it, it will taste really vile. Keep doing it until he gets it through his thick skull 😂😂

SaponificationQueen · 04/07/2023 00:29

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 15:22

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !
He has absolutely no clue of how his actions impacted on other people!
I know what I need to do but I can’t physically force him out of the house .

Show quote history

Why can’t you force him out? I recall you said he moved in with you. File for divorce and make him leave.

JediNinja · 04/07/2023 01:38

I completely get it.
Not sure why it seems so weird to some. My kids get chocolate eggs from family for Easter. My DH used to have the habit to eat some of theirs (after he finished his) and I found it very disrespectful. He would also help himself to the box of chocolates he had bought for my birthday, whilst I wasn't there. I usually have 1-2 a night so a box would last me a week and he would just eat twice as much, so a race was on to eat the chocolates. Or he would say while at the supermarket that he definitely did not want any chocolate, that he absolutely did not want me to buy any for him... Then eat the chocolate buttons I had bought for the kids or the rice Krispies bars I had bought for their lunches. I kept saying he needed to ask the kids if he could get a piece or if they could share. Eventually it sank in. I cannot remember how we changed this (he asks now) but I do remember getting annoyed and explaining these things too. The kids might have eaten without asking some of his expensive protein bars at some point 😬 it's about boundaries and respect. It's not "the food in the house", it's the special treat someone bought, or the present someone got, or the thing that someone was saving for a special occasion. If he had bought a very nice bottle of wine and you had used for cooking "because I needed one", fully knowing it was a expensive bottle or a gift, would he get annoyed?

Cariadm · 04/07/2023 04:00

Sorry to have to say this but he is taking advantage of the fact that you're married and putting you in a horrible situation 🙄By the sound of it he isn't bothered that it's both hugely disrespectful and generally antisocial to just help himself to other people's belongings, value is not the issue here! 😏I would imagine that you find it very difficult to have much if any respect for him and not sure what effect that might have on your relationship? 🤔 I would would find it very difficult not to let this selfish, immature and unpleasant personality trait influence how I interacted with him on a daily basis. 😠Not at all sure what the best course of action is and only you can decide if it bothers you enough to change the status quo? 😳😱

WisherWood · 04/07/2023 06:30

I do wonder what adult DCs of totally communal homes feel. Do they keep it up when they have homes of their own or do they go the the other way and jealously guard everything?

I too wonder if everyone in the communal houses shares the sense of deep joy and smugness about the arrangement or if it pisses them off and they can't wait to get away from it.

Food was communal in my family but it could be a scramble if there wasn't enough of one thing and as the youngest and smallest, I would lose out. Added to which, I was and am vegetarian whereas they're all omnivores. So they'd eat my vegetarian stuff, effectively leaving me with nothing, and then move on to their own meaty stuff. So as an adult, yes, I was jealously guarding. I've got better now. My DP and his DC are all vegetarian and whilst most food is communal we all know and respect that some food isn't. We also all make sure that everyone gets their fair share of any food, rather than just wolf down what we want and not consider anyone else. I feel much more secure and more inclined to share, rather than growl at anyone getting near my chips.

Totaly · 04/07/2023 06:37

If it’s impulse control issues he really in all likelihood hasn’t got the capacity to police himself consistently at home and it’s not a reflection of how he feels about you or how much he respects you

Seems to keep his sticky fingers to himself in the shops! He understands that the items aren’t his until he pays for them. Save for the sons bottle of Coke - he didn’t pay for it so it wasn’t his.

And if OP’s family is like mine, the kids complain to me and make it my problem.

I think ‘Thief’ is the word I’d use.

KJaggard1 · 04/07/2023 07:22

Totaly · 04/07/2023 06:37

If it’s impulse control issues he really in all likelihood hasn’t got the capacity to police himself consistently at home and it’s not a reflection of how he feels about you or how much he respects you

Seems to keep his sticky fingers to himself in the shops! He understands that the items aren’t his until he pays for them. Save for the sons bottle of Coke - he didn’t pay for it so it wasn’t his.

And if OP’s family is like mine, the kids complain to me and make it my problem.

I think ‘Thief’ is the word I’d use.

if you read what I said it is ten times harder for people with adhd to use their impulse control than neurotypical people, basically some people with this condition use up all their ability to do that during the day in the shops and office etc or even just around the house and eventually once home and/relaxed they slip, it’s a bit like dieters slipping at the end of the day when they’re tired. It was just a suggestion as this kind of behaviour is strange until you experience adhd with your own eyes.

BadNomad · 04/07/2023 07:34

People with ADHD are not stupid. They are not oblivious that their behaviour affects other people. Especially when it has been pointed out to them repeatedly. Selfish people however do not care. This man here doesn't believe he is doing anything wrong. He does not care that he is upsetting people. Even if he has ADHD, it is not the reason why he doesn't give a shit. It is very much a reflection of how he feels about his family and his lack of respect.

Totaly · 04/07/2023 07:45

It was just a suggestion as this kind of behaviour is strange until you experience adhd with your own eyes

I have tons of experience with ADHD - nothing the OP has said suggests he’s ND in any way shape or form.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/07/2023 07:52

Another issue (if it's been mentioned and I've missed it, just scroll on by) is the concept of 'taking your fair share.' Even if it's about items that have been bought for everyone to share, it would seriously piss me off if one person scoffed the lot and didn't leave any for others. There is a concept, when living in a group of any kind, of being group mind not self minded

yes this exactly!!! He takes more than his fair share & as OP has confirmed, he doesn’t replace what he’s taken either.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/07/2023 07:53

He does not care that he is upsetting people. Even if he has ADHD, it is not the reason why he doesn't give a shit. It is very much a reflection of how he feels about his family and his lack of respect.

This

His behaviour is not neuro-atypical - it is just bliddy selfish and entitled.

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