Two men have told me I “overthink”

[CharliesDevils]

This annoys me as it makes me feel it’s a way of shutting me down, to not talk about things that are on my mind.

Does this sound like a type of negging?

If they were genuinely concerned for my mental health, I’m sure there are better ways to approach the subject.

I’m feeling defensive because of previous criticism. The old me would have apologised and assumed I was at fault. I’m done that stage in my life. I’m a deep thinker, mull things over, ask questions and weigh things up.

Have you told someone they’re an overthinker or been called that?

Tell them it's better to overthink than underthink.

Yes, a few times actually. Perhaps there’s a quota of how many thoughts we’re allowed to have? And yes, it was men who told me this.

Yes my husband says this to me. But I find men are the complete opposite, don’t think things through enough and especially don’t think about future consequences.

Ironically you might be overthinking the comment about you overthinking. It's not what I would call a neg (in my mind a neg is a backhanded compliment).

There is endless examples on here of overthinking, it happens a lot

I suppose it depends on how it was delivered to you - we joke my husband under thinks because I’ve taken care of the over analysing. There’s no malice in it. My ex however used to throw it in my face when I was getting too close to the truth (he was cheating!)

When someone tells you something like that, they are actually mentioning something roundabout about their own feelings. And making it sound like something for you to deal with, rather than information about themselves.

So they are probably saying something like they feel uncomfortable thinking about the topic in question which may be due to the topic.

Maybe you do think more than average, but that's up to you to decide how you feel about it.

I have a friend who I would say overthinks. An example of this is that once on a Friday her boss put a meeting in her diary with someone from hr for the following Tuesday and told her not to worry but she had to come to this meeting. Despite being told not to worry she decided that she was getting the sack and had a horrendous few days. It turned out she was getting a promotion.

They don't want to be responsible for other people's feelings or for the consequences of their actions or words. They want a no rules society where they don't have to be accountable. It's good to be a critical thinker, it's not good to go down rabbit holes and allow paranoia to creep in. So a balanced level of analysis is good.

My ex H is using the word snowflake a lot, I think this is a get out excuse for him. As in "it's not me being an ass, it's you being too sensitive. Jocular jokes /bullying is OK, and if you don't like it you are a snowflake". There is riding toxic masculinity I general right now, so protect yourself and your mental health first.

Rising

From your op it's impossible to say. If they arr accusing you of over thinking because you want to organise, plan and ensure things happen, then yes, it's typical men who love to say, "oh, I just wing it" while blissfully ignorant of the many people (probably women) they leave in their wake doing all the extra).

On the other hand, if you spend 20 minutes agonising out loud whether you should wear pink.or.green and which is more appropriate... then yes, you are overthrowing.

Is overthinking just like nagging, so it’s a way of shutting you down ?

They don't want to be responsible for other people's feelings or for the consequences of their actions or words

This stands out to me because my friend who overthinks will analyse people's words and actions and ascribe motivations to them which aren't there. It's horrible to be on the receiving end of and exhausting to listen to when she's venting about another person.

That @CurlewKate, I did tell one of them that perhaps he underthinks!

@FrancescaContini, thanks for sharing your experience. Your reference to having a quota made me smile.

Well someone needs to consider the backup plan @MariaVT65!

Seriously, there's a lot of thinking with regards to just leaving the house with three kids sometimes. What kind of person, doesn’t think things through?

My husband says this to me, but he’s right, I do overthink. I’m not concerned about it. We just make a joke of it. He’s very laidback so we work well.

Could be @NewNameNigel. When someone says something to me, I will wonder about their drivers/motivation.

What possible reason could there be for telling someone they’re overthinking? It certainly isn’t delivered as a compliment.

I read it in a thread this morning @WandaWonder, which got me thinking 😉

It’s almost our super power as females to overthink, preempt the future etc. I suspect it’s roles we’ve taken since cave dwelling (men hunt and think for now to fill bellies and worry about immediate danger, women stay back sell things, care/cook/clean/heal the animals/children/elderly and naturally have a higher sense for danger like being attacked by other clans/men because we’re left more vulnerable because of our smaller statures and being left to do all of those tasks).

Are these people you've been in actual relationships with? Because the people who have said it to me have been guys I've dated who it's turned out don't want anything serious. People who want to eternally 'see how things go' without committment and my 'overthinking' has been related to that.

As Hermione says to Ron ' just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon' doesn't mean the rest of us don't

I agree, the context is key @Newusernamee. Ex ex would definitely say it to criticise me. He is the sort of twat that puts the kids’ shoes on the wrong feet and leaves pushchairs on buses. I don’t want to be like that so I put more effort in to thinking about what needs to be done.

Or do