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Original poster

Two men have told me I “overthink”

147 replies

CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 11:38

This annoys me as it makes me feel it’s a way of shutting me down, to not talk about things that are on my mind.

Does this sound like a type of negging?

If they were genuinely concerned for my mental health, I’m sure there are better ways to approach the subject.

I’m feeling defensive because of previous criticism. The old me would have apologised and assumed I was at fault. I’m done that stage in my life. I’m a deep thinker, mull things over, ask questions and weigh things up.

Have you told someone they’re an overthinker or been called that?

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 13:27

It’s a way of telling you to stop talking. He doesn’t really care about your thoughts, he can’t hear those. He doesn’t want you to talk to him
incessantly about things he has no interest in so he’s telling you, in a roundabout way, to shut up.

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 13:29

QueefQueen80s · 01/07/2023 13:15

Sorry I don't mean women find simple minded men attractive, just what they find physically attractive ends up being an emotionally stunted man.

I know what you mean @QueefQueen80s. It’s got me thinking (arf!) about what is revered in society in terms of being attractive to the opposite sex.

Along with my other question around thoughtfulness. I notice this far more in women than men. How many men are thoughtful? Are there lots out there that I just haven’t met or are they a rare breed? And if so, why is that?

And if people aren’t thinking, what the Jeff are they doing?

I read a book, makes me think. I watch a film, think about it. And so on…

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 13:33

alwaysmovingforwards · 01/07/2023 13:17

Probably.

OP, you can (over) think as much as you like. But I think the feedback you're getting is that others consider you to be over sharing.
Maybe consider the filter between what you think and what you say.
Nobody wants to listen to someone else's rambling, unfiltered, unstructured thoughts just steaming out of their mouths. It's boring for the listener and is rightly considered poor communication skills.

Show quote history

Could be @alwaysmovingforwards. I recall it’s mostly when I ask questions to clarify something. Perhaps the person is uncomfortable sharing?

It still feels like someone is saying shut up. And if that’s what they mean then, there are probably better ways to state there own needs about wanting some quiet time or preferring not to share something.

Interestingly, reading your comments makes me want to ask what you think that.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 13:35

80s · 01/07/2023 13:26

a neg is a backhanded compliment
Not necessarily. It could be outright negative. The main thing is that the person who is negged is then keen to get your approval.
I don't think "You're overthinking" really falls into that category for me.

"You're overthinking" could be said with kind intent. But it's not very diplomatic even then, is it. Reassuring comments and/or a joke to break the tension would be more helpful and less likely to piss the person off.

I wondered if it was a form of negging as it’s a way of saying shut up without saying shut up. Put as you say possibly not @80s.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 13:37

RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 13:27

It’s a way of telling you to stop talking. He doesn’t really care about your thoughts, he can’t hear those. He doesn’t want you to talk to him
incessantly about things he has no interest in so he’s telling you, in a roundabout way, to shut up.

But he thinks he’s not an arsehole because he’s not actually saying “shut up” @RudsyFarmer

OP posts:
penguinsss · 01/07/2023 13:38

I’ve been told this before but I’ll be the first to admit I do overthink! However, I would say that 90% of the time my instincts are correct about whatever I’m “overthinking” about so usually it’s warranted in my case.

Regardless, I don’t think telling someone they are an overthinker is a kind way of dealing with someone worries

80s · 01/07/2023 13:39

It could fall into the negging category of "pretending to give advice while actually criticising the person's character" - just wouldn't work for me personally as I really could not be arsed to seek this person's approval :D

RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 13:40

CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 13:37

But he thinks he’s not an arsehole because he’s not actually saying “shut up” @RudsyFarmer

Show quote history

He can tell himself he’s not all sorts of things if he justifies it to himself well enough.

My partner has a tendency to under talk which can be frustrating. I definitely over talk about how I feel and he tolerates it like a trooper. That’s because he is a good egg and a nice man.

strawberrywhisk · 01/07/2023 13:43

They obviously don't like women thinking to much, it challenges their peewee brains and attitudes

Staplesonstamps · 01/07/2023 13:44

I’m an overthinker. It’s linked to my hypervigilance. I grew up in a home where I had to consider all the possibilities of the motive of what someone said or did because it was often a trap. I have been in a marriage where I wasn’t emotionally safe so I tended to over think innocuous words, actions, behaviours as possibly being a subtle sign of something shit going on.

i tend to overthink every single word that comes out of my mouth lest someone twist into the weapon with which to beat me with (again due to childhood emotional abuse and neglect)

Its exhausting for me but I also recognise it must be exhausting to be around for people with entire good intentions motives (the opposite kind of people will just be angry frustrated I’ve laser eyed them and know what they are up to, they aren’t as accomplished at deception/manipulation as they like to think they are).

I can spot the potential pitfalls of all the things most of the time and contingency plan the hell out of everything to avoid that. I know it drives my partner mad because he’s like “well we can’t KNOW that will happen, just chill” but it’s usually me doing the extra work, cleaning up the mess of the lack of foresight, so I’m like some kind of deranged health and safety officer to his base jumping lunacy attitude.

I’ve also found often when I’m told not to overthink it’s because the person is uncomfortable with their their own behaviour/motivations. They don’t want to ‘think’ because then they might have to adjust their approach/choices and they definitely don’t want me thinking because they know they aren’t covering themselves in glory with their attitudes or behaviour and want to stay in denial and away from a sense of shame.

If someone says “it’s not that deep” to me it sometimes means actually it is, they just don’t want to think about it and have any accountability/self reflection.

brene brown said people will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the truth that something they said or did has caused other people pain and having accountability for it. I think she’s right.

Us over thinkers tend to have high levels of accountability and hold our hands up quickly when we fuck up. The underthinkers are the opposite. The mental gymnastics of denial are gold medal standard. I try and have empathy for that because they were not born that way. It’s their become coping mechanism due to upbringing/life events just as much as my overthinking is.

mrssilky · 01/07/2023 13:44

If you are being told you are an overthinker by men, it's because they know you think there's something wrong about them.

strawberrywhisk · 01/07/2023 13:52

Too!

pornyshroudofturin · 01/07/2023 13:55

It can be a criticism, it can be negging or shutting you down. But also it can just be that it's exhausting to have someone analyse what you say and look for motives behind everything. I don't think OP has given enough context for us to assess whether her DP is an arsehole trying to stop her talking to him, or just fed up of having long, deep and meaningful conversations about everything.

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:12

penguinsss · 01/07/2023 13:38

I’ve been told this before but I’ll be the first to admit I do overthink! However, I would say that 90% of the time my instincts are correct about whatever I’m “overthinking” about so usually it’s warranted in my case.

Regardless, I don’t think telling someone they are an overthinker is a kind way of dealing with someone worries

This is interesting @penguinsss, you say you’re an overthinker and this has served you well. It sounds to me as though your level of thinking is just right if it’s working well for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:14

RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 13:40

He can tell himself he’s not all sorts of things if he justifies it to himself well enough.

My partner has a tendency to under talk which can be frustrating. I definitely over talk about how I feel and he tolerates it like a trooper. That’s because he is a good egg and a nice man.

Show quote history

And I’m guessing you don tell him he’s a undertalker @RudsyFarmer.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:15

strawberrywhisk · 01/07/2023 13:43

They obviously don't like women thinking to much, it challenges their peewee brains and attitudes

Ha ha @strawberrywhisk. Sometimes I forget to be quiet, look pretty and don’t think. So bad at womanning…

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:19

pornyshroudofturin · 01/07/2023 13:55

It can be a criticism, it can be negging or shutting you down. But also it can just be that it's exhausting to have someone analyse what you say and look for motives behind everything. I don't think OP has given enough context for us to assess whether her DP is an arsehole trying to stop her talking to him, or just fed up of having long, deep and meaningful conversations about everything.

You make a good point @pornyshroudofturin, I love a deep and meaningful discussion. Not all the time obviously but I’m going to make sure future partners can engage with me on that level and have the skills to say when they’re not up for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:20

mrssilky · 01/07/2023 13:44

If you are being told you are an overthinker by men, it's because they know you think there's something wrong about them.

Perhaps we could add it to the rules of misogyny @mrssilky. Women mustn’t think, it makes men feel inadequate.

OP posts:
MissChanandlerB0NG · 01/07/2023 14:22

I'm an over thinker but I do everything in my power to not come across like one, as admittedly, I find it a little irritating in others (hypocrite, I know). I'm also a watcher, I'll watch everything and mentally log it from afar. I just can't help it - I've been like that since I can remember.

Don't worry, OP. Keep doing you and don't let the comment bother you, you're definitely not alone on this one and you shouldn't feel like there's anything wrong with it either.

FluffyHamster · 01/07/2023 14:22

CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:54

How does he respond when you pull him up @FluffyHamster?

Does he recognise what he’s doing?

Show quote history

Depends really. If I can try to stay fairly calm and say it's something I WANT to discuss then he tends to back down.
If I'm too ranty or angry he'll just try to shut me down and we end up having a row!

I think some people NEED the chance to talk things through to make sense of their thoughts.

RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 14:23

CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:14

And I’m guessing you don tell him he’s a undertalker @RudsyFarmer.

Show quote history

It’s certainly come up but I’ve accepted it as part of his personality and no I don’t criticise him for it.

80s · 01/07/2023 14:24

If someone is just fed up of having long meaningful conversations about everything, then they should say that - not tell the other person they are overthinking. Say "I'm not into analysing things like this", or just think it quietly in their head and end the relationship!

IceCreamQueen86 · 01/07/2023 14:25

OP can you give some examples?

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:26

Staplesonstamps · 01/07/2023 13:44

I’m an overthinker. It’s linked to my hypervigilance. I grew up in a home where I had to consider all the possibilities of the motive of what someone said or did because it was often a trap. I have been in a marriage where I wasn’t emotionally safe so I tended to over think innocuous words, actions, behaviours as possibly being a subtle sign of something shit going on.

i tend to overthink every single word that comes out of my mouth lest someone twist into the weapon with which to beat me with (again due to childhood emotional abuse and neglect)

Its exhausting for me but I also recognise it must be exhausting to be around for people with entire good intentions motives (the opposite kind of people will just be angry frustrated I’ve laser eyed them and know what they are up to, they aren’t as accomplished at deception/manipulation as they like to think they are).

I can spot the potential pitfalls of all the things most of the time and contingency plan the hell out of everything to avoid that. I know it drives my partner mad because he’s like “well we can’t KNOW that will happen, just chill” but it’s usually me doing the extra work, cleaning up the mess of the lack of foresight, so I’m like some kind of deranged health and safety officer to his base jumping lunacy attitude.

I’ve also found often when I’m told not to overthink it’s because the person is uncomfortable with their their own behaviour/motivations. They don’t want to ‘think’ because then they might have to adjust their approach/choices and they definitely don’t want me thinking because they know they aren’t covering themselves in glory with their attitudes or behaviour and want to stay in denial and away from a sense of shame.

If someone says “it’s not that deep” to me it sometimes means actually it is, they just don’t want to think about it and have any accountability/self reflection.

brene brown said people will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the truth that something they said or did has caused other people pain and having accountability for it. I think she’s right.

Us over thinkers tend to have high levels of accountability and hold our hands up quickly when we fuck up. The underthinkers are the opposite. The mental gymnastics of denial are gold medal standard. I try and have empathy for that because they were not born that way. It’s their become coping mechanism due to upbringing/life events just as much as my overthinking is.

I’m sorry to hear of your experiences while growing up @Staplesonstamps, sadly as can relate. When we grow up feeling unsafe and having to take on responsibility at a young age, we learn to tread very carefully indeed.

I’m a huge fan of Brené Brown and while I don’t recognise the quote you mentioned, the one that springs to mind here is about not needing to be shamed when we’re suffering.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 14:29

MissChanandlerB0NG · 01/07/2023 14:22

I'm an over thinker but I do everything in my power to not come across like one, as admittedly, I find it a little irritating in others (hypocrite, I know). I'm also a watcher, I'll watch everything and mentally log it from afar. I just can't help it - I've been like that since I can remember.

Don't worry, OP. Keep doing you and don't let the comment bother you, you're definitely not alone on this one and you shouldn't feel like there's anything wrong with it either.

Interesting you watch and think about things @MissChanandlerB0NG. My eldest is definitely an observer first before decides whether he wants to join in. I think it’s an excellent quality and I would never tell him to do things differently. I love that he has found a way that works for him.

OP posts:
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