Two men have told me I “overthink”

[CharliesDevils]

This annoys me as it makes me feel it’s a way of shutting me down, to not talk about things that are on my mind.

Does this sound like a type of negging?

If they were genuinely concerned for my mental health, I’m sure there are better ways to approach the subject.

I’m feeling defensive because of previous criticism. The old me would have apologised and assumed I was at fault. I’m done that stage in my life. I’m a deep thinker, mull things over, ask questions and weigh things up.

Have you told someone they’re an overthinker or been called that?

Asking someone to please tell you more about something is a world a way from telling them they are too much of this or not enough of that @RudsyFarmer.

While we all use shorthand phrases sometimes when we can’t be bothered to fully explain what’s going on, that is a choice someone makes.

I think this is the crux of it @80s. Tell someone what you want/don’t want instead of telling them how they should behave.

I’m not one for long discussions
I prefer to make quick decisions and move on

Then the other person can decide if they believe they are still compatible.

In fact, someone did say to me recently “it’s too early for a philosophical conversation, I haven’t had coffee yet”. I was quite happy to pipe down.

Is it, though?

Whilst I’m sure you’re enjoying the “awful shallow men subjugating these amazing women” posts, people who overthink are tedious and draining for their loved ones. Not everything in life needs to be analysed to the nth degree with unlikely scenarios discussed at length. It is not a man vs woman thing, it is a personality trait that people in both sexes can have.

Whilst being cautious in certain situations is common sense, many people who overthink do so in order to avoid having to actually take action and can drain the pleasure out of life for anyone who has the misfortune to have to be their sounding board.

I have no idea if you are like this but the fact that two separate people have independently accused you of it would make me assume that you have tendencies to overanalyse.

I would go along with that. Many moons ago, on the morning of me starting my very first job, my late DM said to me: "Don't go telling them what you think, men don't like women to be too clever, dear".

She was right - some men really don't like it if we ponder too much. They really don't like us using our little female brains to out-think them, do they?

Perhaps, weighing things up and considering them is sound but dwelling on matters for too long is unhealthy. Only we know how we want to use our energy but overall, the way we communicate with others will have a bearing on how the message lands.

@massiveclamps I agree with you and your mum. While it is a generalisation, there are definitely patterns of behaviour I’ve noticed. I know this because I’ve been thinking about it 😉

Surely being an OVER thinker is never a good thing? Being a thinker is, but by definition, overthinking is a bad thing?

I love deep, theoretical/philosophical conversations, but as other pp's have pointed out, being around overthinkers is exhausting, and I say that as someone who used to overthink a lot, and exhausted myself! I think it's related to anxiety.

If someone is telling you that you overthink things, and you don't think you do, you think that you are simply thinking (rather than overthinking) then should just ignore them and be yourself if that's what makes you happy. It's then their choice whether to stay with you or not.

😂well said!

Well who is measuring the amount of thinking someone else does and what scale are they using @Strugglingtodomybest?

Reading all the comments here reinforces my belief that I’m ok with the amount of thinking I do and accept that it may be more than some and less than others but it’s right for me. And anyone who has a view on this can keep it themself, unless it’s to have a proper discussion about philosophy.

I agree with @Strugglingtodomybest

@CharliesDevils - if one is just thinking, then you are spot on, it can be loads more or loads less than the next person and it doesn't matter, as thinking is done inside your own head.

However clearly you aren't just overthinking if other people are telling you that. They wouldn't know if you were just thinking. They know because you are either asking them thing or telling them things, not just thinking.

So I remember telling someone a couple of months ago that they were overthinking, as they were telling me miniature details about their wedding that I didn't need to know and then asking me what I thought about X, Y, Z and many other things. I started off showing interest, and being polite, but as it went on, I told them they were really over thinking it as hardly anyone would even notice, let alone care about the level of detail of the things she was asking me about. I suspect no-one would notice, but was still trying to not upset her by giving the impression no-one cared about her wedding - we do, we just don't care if the icing pattern on one layer of the cake had leaves curling this way or that.

My director told me I overthink.

I probably do sometimes, but I've no one else looking out for me, so there we go.

Well who is measuring the amount of thinking someone else does and what scale are they using @Strugglingtodomybest?

Presumably the 'who' are your exes? I would also presume that the scale they use relates to how much thinking they do? Or at least, how much of their thoughts they verbalise?

I think what I'm trying to say, probably not very well, is that thinking only becomes overthinking (so a problem) when it starts causing problems. At least, that's true for me. So for instance, when I used to overthink things, it drove me mad, I literally couldn't stop thinking about certain things which were causing me anxiety. So I then became desperate to stop "over" thinking.

Like I said, if you don't feel like you're overthinking, but someone else does, then that's their problem, not yours. If you're happy with your level of thinking, don't let what someone else says bother you. They can go and find a new partner who doesn't express their thoughts as much. Which is what you've done. So no problem really?

It actually sounds to me, from what you've said, that you don't overthink, you might just be looking to have deeper conversations than your exes could cope/be bothered with. That is not overthinking, in my opinion.

In which case, bringing us full circle, yes, I think they were just trying to shut you down.

Why do they think that they know better than you about what the 'correct' level of thinking would be?

is that thinking only becomes overthinking (so a problem) when it starts causing problems

Yes, but problems for who?

If someone says you are over - thinking, too sensitive, too something, or not something enough, you can add 'for them' to the end of it. You are too sensitive for them, you think too much for their liking, you are too something for their preferences. This puts responsibility back where it should be: if they don't like how sensitive you are, they can put up with it, or go elsewhere. But when they say it, it's because they think you should change. So, really, you're fine. You are who you are, you think as much as you think, and you feel what you feel. If they try to make you feel bad about that, they are not taking responsibility for themselves: they are expecting you to try to make them happy, rather than choosing for themselves to be around people who do things in a way they like.

Yes, but problems for who?

For you.

But that's not how relationships work. Noone has a right to behave exactly as they like while the other person remains silent and takes what is thrown at them.

What you are describing here is a very unhealthy dynamic where one person isn't allowed to speak out about the other person's behaviour.

What you are describing here is a very unhealthy dynamic where one person isn't allowed to speak out about the other person's behaviour

That's not what I suggested at all.

It read that way to me but perhaps that wasn't not what you meant. Maybe I overthought it and added a meaning that wasn't there.

@NewNameNigel

I was talking about making the choice between overt criticism for the point of telling someone they're in the wrong v choosing to be with someone else.

Sounds like these guys chose the former. There isn't really a place for criticism in a healthy relationship, unless it's constructive, and the precursor to talking through the issue to find a solution that works for both people.

I loved watchkeys post. Women can choose not to accept others criticism. My partner sometimes says I'm "too sensitive" - I can't change how I'm wired so it's helpful for me to add a "for them" onto the end of that.
Otherwise I'd just beat myself up for being myself.

Of course people can speak out about their experience but all humans have the right to choose whether to accept a criticism.

Great post @Watchkeys but although I agree with the basis, I think your mentioned solutions have a big gap.

You say they can put up with it or go elsewhere, but that doesn't really stand up to scrutiny. Imagine if you had an annoying habit you had no idea about that put people off -if you care about the relationship you would hope someone would mention it.

So I would say their first responsibility to the relationship is to communicate, and the first responsibility to themselves is to decide which relationships are important to them.

Obviously if communication fails then the choice becomes as you say, and I agree the wording used could have been improved, but I think whoever mentioned it did the right thing to communicate.

I'm sure all that is already clear to you but I just wanted to clarify in case!

Take care.

@AdamRyan

Otherwise I'd just beat myself up for being myself

This is what I was getting at, really. You put it better than I did!

Deciding for ourselves the intention of the criticism is the thing, really.

'You're stupid', 'You think too much', 'You're too sensitive' etc have a very different intentions from things like 'You seem sensitive about this, shall we have a chat about it?', or 'You don't sound confident with this, do you want to talk it through again so that you understand more clearly?'

OK I understand your point better now. I don't think that relationships in real life are as simple as this. Pretty much everyone has points of contention in their relationship and if everyone chose to walk away the first time they felt their partner was in the wrong rather than trying to talk about it no one would be in a relationship.

Constructive conversation around how to resolve issues requires two people to be onboard. I am not sure how a solution can be found if one person is "overly sensitive" (to use your phrase) and therefore reacts strongly to perceived criticism, ascribes motives that aren't there and says "well this is me so put with it or leave".

Nobody is 'over sensitive'. That's my point. Everybody likes and dislikes things to a certain extent. But if I can't bear to see my partner eat raspberry yoghurt (or something else equally random/unlikely), then our relationship has to cater for that feeling, not dismiss it as being 'too much' or 'silly' or 'unnecessary'.

A decent partner will quit eating those yoghurts, agree not to eat them in front of me, perhaps talk to me about what's going on for me that makes me have such a strong reaction. A crap partner will say 'You're just over-sensitive', or 'Jeez, that's an over-reaction!', or otherwise dismiss my feelings.

There are no 'right' or 'wrong' things to be sensitive about. Maybe I was physically abused as a child by someone who always gave me raspberry yoghurt as a treat afterwards. Maybe my dad used to throw stuff at my mum, and once it was a raspberry yoghurt, that hit me instead. Sure, I need to look into the roots of those triggers myself, but if I'm respectful to my partner ('It really bothers me when you do that', rather than 'Fuck you, you twat, eating fucking yoghurts right in front of me again', or throwing a brick at his car), then my partner needs to either be respectful to me, or not be my partner anymore. What they don't need to say is 'You're too sensitive.'

Man here - I've had it said to me by an ex-partner - but it turns out she was cheating and my 'overthinking' was me spotting all the classic signs.