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Original poster

Two men have told me I “overthink”

147 replies

CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 11:38

This annoys me as it makes me feel it’s a way of shutting me down, to not talk about things that are on my mind.

Does this sound like a type of negging?

If they were genuinely concerned for my mental health, I’m sure there are better ways to approach the subject.

I’m feeling defensive because of previous criticism. The old me would have apologised and assumed I was at fault. I’m done that stage in my life. I’m a deep thinker, mull things over, ask questions and weigh things up.

Have you told someone they’re an overthinker or been called that?

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:22

johnd2 · 01/07/2023 11:46

When someone tells you something like that, they are actually mentioning something roundabout about their own feelings. And making it sound like something for you to deal with, rather than information about themselves.

So they are probably saying something like they feel uncomfortable thinking about the topic in question which may be due to the topic.

Maybe you do think more than average, but that's up to you to decide how you feel about it.

Good point @johnd2. We see everything through our own lense first and foremost.

Now I’m wondering, when it occurs to someone that I’m overthinking, do they first consider why they might think that? Do they pause and think about what is coming up for them before they chose to tell me about my behaviour?

Or is it easier to just expect me to adjust my level of thinking?

OP posts:
FluffyHamster · 01/07/2023 12:23

I've pulled my husband up on this - specifically him saying 'let's not over-analyse it' when what he really means is:

  • I don't want to listen to you talking about something I'm not as invested in (e.g. trans/ women's rights)
  • I don't want to talk about it because I know I was in the wrong (e.g. his parents awful attitude to me when I was breastfeeding)
  • I don't know as much about it as you and I'm afraid of appearing weak/stupid (e.g. discussion of books/theatre etc)
TakeMyStrongHand · 01/07/2023 12:25

I overthink. I couldn't give a fuck what people say. It's the opposite of DP not thinking or planning.

BringItOnxxx · 01/07/2023 12:25

AhDad · 01/07/2023 12:14

It’s almost our super power as females to overthink, preempt the future etc. I suspect it’s roles we’ve taken since cave dwelling (men hunt and think for now to fill bellies and worry about immediate danger, women stay back sell things, care/cook/clean/heal the animals/children/elderly and naturally have a higher sense for danger like being attacked by other clans/men because we’re left more vulnerable because of our smaller statures and being left to do all of those tasks).

I find this very true. Have you seen this theory written about anywhere?

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:26

NewNameNigel · 01/07/2023 11:47

I have a friend who I would say overthinks. An example of this is that once on a Friday her boss put a meeting in her diary with someone from hr for the following Tuesday and told her not to worry but she had to come to this meeting. Despite being told not to worry she decided that she was getting the sack and had a horrendous few days. It turned out she was getting a promotion.

A version of me from the past can relate to that @NewNameNigel. People dislike uncertainty as it can feel threatening to our existence and make us feel unsafe. These days, I’d worry about it less, ask a question or talk it through with a friend.

For me, the person creating the uncertainty should be the one to modify their behaviour.

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MisschiefMaker · 01/07/2023 12:26

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 11:41

Tell them it's better to overthink than underthink.

Haha I love this.

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:28

CreationNat1on · 01/07/2023 11:48

They don't want to be responsible for other people's feelings or for the consequences of their actions or words. They want a no rules society where they don't have to be accountable. It's good to be a critical thinker, it's not good to go down rabbit holes and allow paranoia to creep in. So a balanced level of analysis is good.

My ex H is using the word snowflake a lot, I think this is a get out excuse for him. As in "it's not me being an ass, it's you being too sensitive. Jocular jokes /bullying is OK, and if you don't like it you are a snowflake". There is riding toxic masculinity I general right now, so protect yourself and your mental health first.

That’s the thing @CreationNat1on, there is no right amount of thinking. If it’s ruining someone’s enjoyment of life, I can that it’s problematic but I don’t thinks that’s me.

OP posts:
SilverCatStripes · 01/07/2023 12:28

What they really mean is they aren’t interested in your thoughts.

You aren’t doing anything wrong OP, to quote a cliche - they just aren’t that into you.

elenacampana · 01/07/2023 12:32

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn by MNHQ as it was posted in the wrong place.

You need to start your own thread. It’s bad etiquette to essentially start a thread within a thread about something completely unconnected to the OP’s topic.

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:32

SavBlancTonight · 01/07/2023 11:50

From your op it's impossible to say. If they arr accusing you of over thinking because you want to organise, plan and ensure things happen, then yes, it's typical men who love to say, "oh, I just wing it" while blissfully ignorant of the many people (probably women) they leave in their wake doing all the extra).

On the other hand, if you spend 20 minutes agonising out loud whether you should wear pink.or.green and which is more appropriate... then yes, you are overthrowing.

Good point @SavBlancTonight. The ex ex would definitely use it as a way of concealing his own twattery, so I don’t concern myself with anything he says.

The ex would say in response to questions I asked. We had different approaches but instead of him saying, I’d prefer to do things differently, he’d say I was overthinking. Perhaps to shut me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:35

DustyLee123 · 01/07/2023 11:52

Is overthinking just like nagging, so it’s a way of shutting you down ?

I think it is intended to shut women down sometimes. I can’t think of any other purpose it would serve. I wonder (there I go again) how many women have said it to men?

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AhDad · 01/07/2023 12:36

I haven’t unfortunately @BringItOnxxx just general overthinking and an odd obsession with observing women’s roles from the ages 😅

Maddy70 · 01/07/2023 12:36

One of my close friends is an overthinker. It's so wearing! I have to tip toe around her as if you say the wrong thing she will worry about it.

BamBamBambi · 01/07/2023 12:38

My partner over thinks things constantly.
Its draining and annoying.
Some things don’t need long drawn out conversations with every detail spoken about.

AdamRyan · 01/07/2023 12:40

It's a silencing tactic that men use to women ime. Basically they think it's a polite way to tell you to shut up

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:41

NewNameNigel · 01/07/2023 11:56

They don't want to be responsible for other people's feelings or for the consequences of their actions or words

This stands out to me because my friend who overthinks will analyse people's words and actions and ascribe motivations to them which aren't there. It's horrible to be on the receiving end of and exhausting to listen to when she's venting about another person.

I think I do this @NewNameNigel to make sense of the world. It’s difficult for me to understand that people do things without motivation.

I used to believe my ex ex said and did things because of me. Now I realise his behaviour is all about him, perhaps me verbalising that is my way of processing my new learning rather than my brain falling in to old habits.

I’m certainly going to give that some thought (there I go again).

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:42

DixonD · 01/07/2023 12:12

My husband says this to me, but he’s right, I do overthink. I’m not concerned about it. We just make a joke of it. He’s very laidback so we work well.

It doesn’t sound as though your DH says in it an insulting way @DixonD. Is it a friendly jibe.

OP posts:
ChocChipHandbag · 01/07/2023 12:44

CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:12

Could be @NewNameNigel. When someone says something to me, I will wonder about their drivers/motivation.

What possible reason could there be for telling someone they’re overthinking? It certainly isn’t delivered as a compliment.

Show quote history

It can absolutely be meant kindly, as a way of telling someone to relax and go with the flow a bit more. It could also be used as a way to shut someone down. Massively on the context.

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:45

AhDad · 01/07/2023 12:14

It’s almost our super power as females to overthink, preempt the future etc. I suspect it’s roles we’ve taken since cave dwelling (men hunt and think for now to fill bellies and worry about immediate danger, women stay back sell things, care/cook/clean/heal the animals/children/elderly and naturally have a higher sense for danger like being attacked by other clans/men because we’re left more vulnerable because of our smaller statures and being left to do all of those tasks).

Interesting theory you have there @AhDad. A kind of evolution.

So, why do you think it is directed as an insult rather than revered?

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ChocChipHandbag · 01/07/2023 12:46

CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:35

I think it is intended to shut women down sometimes. I can’t think of any other purpose it would serve. I wonder (there I go again) how many women have said it to men?

Show quote history

You really really can’t think of any situation where someone means it kindly, telling the other person that they are stressing themselves out with worry and analysis and “what ifs”?

Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:48

CreationNat1on · 01/07/2023 11:48

They don't want to be responsible for other people's feelings or for the consequences of their actions or words. They want a no rules society where they don't have to be accountable. It's good to be a critical thinker, it's not good to go down rabbit holes and allow paranoia to creep in. So a balanced level of analysis is good.

My ex H is using the word snowflake a lot, I think this is a get out excuse for him. As in "it's not me being an ass, it's you being too sensitive. Jocular jokes /bullying is OK, and if you don't like it you are a snowflake". There is riding toxic masculinity I general right now, so protect yourself and your mental health first.

Sounds similar to people who use get out clauses (see: can’t you take a joke, you’re too sensitive, it’s only banter) rather than take responsibility for their own behaviour.

Again, I’ve seen this behaviour far more prevalent in men rather than women.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:50

WunWun · 01/07/2023 12:15

Are these people you've been in actual relationships with? Because the people who have said it to me have been guys I've dated who it's turned out don't want anything serious. People who want to eternally 'see how things go' without committment and my 'overthinking' has been related to that.

Relationships and dating @WunWun. So what they’re really saying in the situations you mention is “I don’t want anything serious”. Which makes me wonder why they don’t just say that…

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:52

HappiDaze · 01/07/2023 12:15

As Hermione says to Ron ' just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon' doesn't mean the rest of us don't

Thanks @HappiDaze, I’m going to keep that one in my pocket. I’m sure I’ll have a use for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:54

FluffyHamster · 01/07/2023 12:23

I've pulled my husband up on this - specifically him saying 'let's not over-analyse it' when what he really means is:

  • I don't want to listen to you talking about something I'm not as invested in (e.g. trans/ women's rights)
  • I don't want to talk about it because I know I was in the wrong (e.g. his parents awful attitude to me when I was breastfeeding)
  • I don't know as much about it as you and I'm afraid of appearing weak/stupid (e.g. discussion of books/theatre etc)

How does he respond when you pull him up @FluffyHamster?

Does he recognise what he’s doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliesDevils · 01/07/2023 12:55

TakeMyStrongHand · 01/07/2023 12:25

I overthink. I couldn't give a fuck what people say. It's the opposite of DP not thinking or planning.

Good for you @TakeMyStrongHand. Out of interest, are you happy with the balance or would you prefer your DP to step up?

OP posts: