Two men have told me I “overthink”

[CharliesDevils]

This annoys me as it makes me feel it’s a way of shutting me down, to not talk about things that are on my mind.

Does this sound like a type of negging?

If they were genuinely concerned for my mental health, I’m sure there are better ways to approach the subject.

I’m feeling defensive because of previous criticism. The old me would have apologised and assumed I was at fault. I’m done that stage in my life. I’m a deep thinker, mull things over, ask questions and weigh things up.

Have you told someone they’re an overthinker or been called that?

Those men are idiots - I love a woman with brains who isn't afraid to use them!

I don’t think other people saying it means they’re correct. And yes, I’m usually asking about something. In your example, it sounds as though the person tell you about their wedding was too much for you, not her.

So, perhaps people mean they don’t have the level of interest in the thing the other person is talking about. And therefore, they can own that.

Well, yes @Strugglingtodomybest I guess my thinking behind those questions were that someone telling another person they are overthink seems rather arbitrary, hence me questioning the value and intention thereof.

This is what I’m wondering @Watchkeys.

I think it took me much longer to reach this conclusion than you @Watchkeys but this is what I’m learning.

A previous version of myself would have placed too much value on what someone else said and tried to modify my behaviour accordingly. I believed that if I didn’t, I was some kind of arrogant arsehole who just cared about themselves and didn’t consider other people’s feelings. But guess what? I’m nothing if the sort. I’m actually very lovely indeed, quite sensitive and unfortunately have crippling low self confidence but I’m working on that by loving me for who I am. And of course in the context of friendships and loving relationships, I will listen to the opinions of others but I will make the final decision about what, if any aspects of my behaviour I’m going to modify.

It sounds like you need to cover all eventualities @EBearhug and create your own safety net, if required.

I don’t know what it is like to just begin something without giving it any thought at all. I do know that everyone is different and therefore it stands to reason that different people will apply different thought processes.

Maybe a solution doesn't need to be found. All relationships have tension in them, we respond with shades of grey.

So when my partner says "you are too sensitive" my "grey" is to tack "for him" on the end and not try to argue my point about whatever I feel sensitive about as its not productive because he doesn't agree with me.

Equally he could choose to leave if my "sensitivity" was a problem for him, but he hasn't yet so I assume he just find it annoying in some circumstances. Equally there are plenty of things he does that I find annoying but they are just part of him and i love him, so it's not a deal breaker.

What happened to cause you to be insecure, @CharliesDevils , do you know? For me it was useful to recognise the root of the cause. It helped me to understand that my insecurities were actually a rational, sensible response to the way I was raised, rather than me being 'silly', or, indeed, over-thinking.

I’ve read quite a lot of watchkey’s posts so I think I understand what they meant.

If I was your partner @AdamRyan and you seemed more sensitive than me, I’d talk to you about what I had noticed and try to learn more about you and how we navigate out differences in a relationship.

Not tell you you’re too sensitive.

Exactly @Watchkeys, when someone makes a statement that someone else is too much/not enough of, I was wondering what was behind that. And I think, after just the right amount of consideration, that the person giving the comment is uncomfortable with the other person’s behaviour and need to give some thought reflect on what that is and what they need and find a way to communicate that. Much like what @johnd2 said.

It sounds as though you were told you were overthinking to make you question your instincts @Deathbyfluffy.

The way I was treated as a child @Watchkeys. I was snapped at, criticised, humiliates, mocked, shouted at, punished etc

It has made me question everything about myself, not knowing how to act to stay safe. Unfortunately, a number of previous partners have also been highly critical of me and because I felt shame for being flawed, I lost myself.

It has been hard work but I’m definitely more aware of who I am, how I got here and what I’m good at these days. I’m still sad, I didn’t have a string sense of self earlier but acceptance has probably been my biggest breakthrough.

I’ve read may of your posts with interest, are you a therapist?

I see in some people around me that over-analysing and over-thinking leads to anxiety and stress over imagined scenarios. Or it leads to people creating drama and conflict where none existed.
Over thinking is different to simply thinking, or planning ahead - it is going round and round in circles and dwelling on situations that never actually happened, or sub-texts and hidden agendas in conversations that were never intended.
It can be a very exhausting and harmful pattern to get into, and also exhausting for anyone subjected to the outpouring of over-thinkers.

If course there isn't an objective "correct" on this matter. What is too much for one person is fine for another, but this thread was started by you saying 2 people had told you you were overthinking. I'm going to presume this is in a relatively short amount of time, not over your lifetime.

Now, 2, can just be unlucky, but if, when you are trying to garner opinions on some tiny detail, that no-one is going to notice, you get told 3, or 4, or 8 times that no-one will care or even notice, and you are over thinking this level of detail, then would there come a point when you might begin to think there is a sort of a broad 'norm' and that you are without it ?

Whether that is a problem or not for you will depend on you.
Humans are societal, and we live by cultural norms. Some people are happy, and even proud to live outside of those norms; Some people aren't aware the way they act or speak is considered difficult to live with, by others;

If you (I mean 'a person', not you particularly) is either asking others' opinions, or giving so much detail of their thought process that it is really annoying to those around them, then fewer and fewer people will want to spend time with them. For me, it is a bit like if you have a friend with BO. It's a very, very difficult conversation to have, and will likely upset them if you let them know, BUT, in the long term, them doing something about that which makes it difficult for them to retain friends, will mean they end up with more people enjoying their company, so the person benefits by being told.

Now, if there is a person who irritates the heck out of everybody by not just being able to have a chat on a normal social level, would they want to know this is why people edge away from them in a social situation , or not ?

I don't know. I guess it would depend on each individual person as to whether they value friendships and company more, or value picking over every tiny detail more. However, if they know, they can begin to work towards making that choice. If they don't, they can't.

Oh gosh, that was long. Sorry

then would there come a point when you might begin to think there is a sort of a broad 'norm' and that you are without it

Yes. When you yourself start to think you're overthinking. It doesn't matter if the world and his wife tell you. If you don't think it's the case, that's the opinion that matters. And the opinions of those you have long, trusting. loving relationships with, who have your best interests at heart. Not '2 men'.

My brother called me an overthinker and an over analyser.

What was really happening is my family was doing their absolutely damndest to sweep sexual abuse I experienced from a family member (another brother) under the rug, a tack defiantly started by my parents and massively enabled by my other siblings. What my brother really meant was that he was a bit of a narcissist, and only his feelings mattered not mine and that he and the rest of my family were entitled to treat me however they like and if I were to say anything about it they would all blame my make up for their failings which as narcissistic individuals they cannot bear to see. My parents ironically were also very critical and not remotely emotionally available when we were children and were absolutely unsafe people to go to with abuse as time clearly demonstrated.

Overthinking is a so very often coping strategy when the choice is to put up with shitty behaviour and gaslighting or lose a very key/fundamental relationship which feels as though we require it for survival. We overthink to avoid taking very very unpalatable action and then it becomes a habit over time.

I’m sorry I typed a trigger warning at the top but I managed to delete it.

There are 143 replies to this thread and 57 of them are from you, OP. Do you think they might have had a point?

Hont1986 seems to be genuinely concerned for your mental health, OP 😂

I think Hont had given this a lot of thought @80s 😉

I’m sorry to hear about your experience @BallantyneValentine. And to have your story invalidated for other people’s selfish reasons must feel like a double blow.