Two men have told me I “overthink”

[CharliesDevils]

This annoys me as it makes me feel it’s a way of shutting me down, to not talk about things that are on my mind.

Does this sound like a type of negging?

If they were genuinely concerned for my mental health, I’m sure there are better ways to approach the subject.

I’m feeling defensive because of previous criticism. The old me would have apologised and assumed I was at fault. I’m done that stage in my life. I’m a deep thinker, mull things over, ask questions and weigh things up.

Have you told someone they’re an overthinker or been called that?

I would love to read a study on this @BringItOnxxx. Perhaps we should start one…

That does sound unhealthy @Maddy70. Does she recognise her own behaviour?

Perhaps that’s what these men who said it to me were thinking @BamBamBambi. How do you and your partner deal with it?

Could be @NewNameNigel. When someone says something to me, I will wonder about their drivers/motivation.

Well, that can be an example of overthinking just there. Sometimes people are just 'chatting'. Just 'making conversation'. Everything you hear during the day, or everything you say isn't pre-planned, drafted and reviewed speeches. Most conversations are just in the moment and not part of a formal meeting or debate.

What possible reason could there be for telling someone they’re overthinking?
Well, maybe because they are ???

It certainly isn’t delivered as a compliment.

No, but equally it isn't a criticism either...... it's just a "Relax, she didn't mean anything by it" ..... or a "Relax, nobody will care if you are wearing trousers or a dress" ..... or a "Relax, it doesn't matter if there is a flower or a butterfly in the corner of the card - nobody is going to notice that level of detail"

I think women in general are so gaslit to override our emotions around mens behaviour that I have yet to meet one who doesn’t have overthinking tendencies. It is a massive part of female socialisation.

Hmmm. Great question. Depends on the day. He absolutely balances me (#grateful) but also makes me want to kill him because how can he be so calm and why can he not see the dangers?!

It's telling your wife or girlfriend that she nags to shut her up and shame her.

It does have a passive aggressive tone to it IMO @AdamRyan. I might use it as an opportunity to ask more questions in the future.

I think men say this when they want women to shut up. You never hear a man ( or woman) say it to another man. It is critical, lazy and patronizing. It is not their role to tell us what, when , where or how much to think.

I would respond with pushback : " speak for yourself," or " if you aren't interested in this conversation, then just say so. And don't tell me what to do." They say this kind of thing because they are afraid of confrontation or of being vulnerable and expressing themselves cleary. Wankers.

Yes, the context is crucial. As is the delivery and choice of words I’d say.

If I though someone needed reassurance as they were displaying anxious behaviour, I would take that in to consideration when deciding what to say, when to say it etc. That would require thinking on my part.

I can think of many other ways to speak kindly to someone @ChocChipHandbag.

Great point.
We are socialised to do it, then criticised for doing it.

Also, because men don't get the same level of censure for making a "wrong" decision as women, they probably can't comprehend the potential consequences to us of not overthinking. I spend a lot of time managing risks of stuff going wrong because I'm worried I'll be blamed if it does. Based on past experience as a woman.

Absolutely @UsingChangeofName. I chat and say silly things, put my foot in it sometimes.

Some people ramble on inanely. Probably most people use a variety of methods depending on where they are, who they’re with and what mood they’re in.

I don’t always tell people what I think of them. I might choose to take a more circumspect approach and consider whether my opinion is just that and whether I want to share it.

I've always gone for deep thinking men so they definitely exist, ties in with them being very emotionally intelligent and thinking about the relationship.. just doesn't always tally with what a lot of women find attractive physically which alot of the time is the simple minded man.

It reminds me of other phrases that are usually used by men to women @BallantyneValentine such as “stop nagging”, “you’re too sensitive” and “you’re hysterical/crazy”.

Perhaps women have learned that these phrases are actually nothing do do with their behaviour and see them for what they are and stand up for themselves. So new versions have to be thought up. It’s actually the men who are overthinking these new tropes 😉

Sorry I don't mean women find simple minded men attractive, just what they find physically attractive ends up being an emotionally stunted man.

Ha ha@TakeMyStrongHand. You and your partner sound reassuringly flawed, as we all are.

It certainly feels like that to me @NinjaTurtIe.

Probably.

OP, you can (over) think as much as you like. But I think the feedback you're getting is that others consider you to be over sharing.
Maybe consider the filter between what you think and what you say.
Nobody wants to listen to someone else's rambling, unfiltered, unstructured thoughts just steaming out of their mouths. It's boring for the listener and is rightly considered poor communication skills.

Spot on about not saying that to another man @Whataretalkingabout. I had only thought about whether women say it to men.

I like to give everything just the right amount of thinking for me.

So the more we comply, the more we’re expected to comply @AdamRyan?

You’ve reminded me of something I read about how women need to risk assess their environment all the time @AdamRyan

Which is the safest form of travel? Have I parked in a well lit area? Who can I run with as it’s not safe to go alone? Must remember to get my car keys out in plenty of time so I’m not standing around in case someone is watching me. Do I look ok? Can you see my knickers?

And plenty more.

Yes @QueefQueen80s, the pained artist type. I wonder if anyone ever tells them they’re overthinking?

a neg is a backhanded compliment
Not necessarily. It could be outright negative. The main thing is that the person who is negged is then keen to get your approval.
I don't think "You're overthinking" really falls into that category for me.

"You're overthinking" could be said with kind intent. But it's not very diplomatic even then, is it. Reassuring comments and/or a joke to break the tension would be more helpful and less likely to piss the person off.