Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my dh being a knob ??

138 replies

MrsKnob · 30/06/2023 20:54

Name Changed for this, sorry it's long.

So myself and dh have been married 15 years, together around 20. We have always shared bills in proportion to earnings. I work in care on minimum wage as it fits well around childcare which has always been totally down to me. He has a big job earning the high end of a 5 figure salary and he does absolutely nothing with our 11 year old dd.

He has never financially supported anything with dd in 11 years, and I mean nothing, such as Christmas, birthdays, cloths, activities, childcare, absolutely nothing.

He has always been extremely tight and controlling with money, which I have just accepted over the years, he’s a compulsive saver.

I’ve now got to the point where I’m struggling with the costs and getting into dept with affording secondary uniform, activities, well everything to do with dd really. She does do a moderately expensive sport which I have always paid for completely myself. Well today I sent him a text explaining that I’m struggling and asking for a joint account that we both pay into for dd costs. He had completely gone off the deep end! He currently not talking to me and the atmosphere is awful. It was of course a resounding no to my request and now he stonewalling.

He’s being a knob isn’t he?? Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 30/06/2023 20:58

Divorce him, then he'll have to pay half. And no he's not being a nob, he's being an utter cunt.

rumred · 30/06/2023 20:58

Get a divorce. There's no point in him.
Life is way too short to spend it with a wanker

INeedAnotherName · 30/06/2023 21:03

You are being financially abused, let's get that clear. I'm assuming you are also being abused/manipulated in other ways too, and probably so is your daughter.

Get a divorce and claim half the assets. House, pension, savings, investments. Make sure you get copies or photos of all statements.

It won't get any better than this, if anything your life will become much worse. These men don't change.

Changingplace · 30/06/2023 21:06

He’s absolutely disgusting, divorce him, what a pathetic excuse for a man doing this to his family.

NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 21:09

Get divorced. How the fuck you’ve lasted 11 years of a marriage where he doesn’t pay for HIS OWN CHILD is astounding.

Get angry, and get divorced. He’s got a lot to lose and you’ve got a lot to gain.

Natty13 · 30/06/2023 21:14

You realise if you had divorced him 10 years ago you would have had 10 years of child support by now?

It's a shame your DD is growing up to see that it's a woman's job to do and pay for everything to do with a joint child. Pretty poor example to set for her.

Dacadactyl · 30/06/2023 21:16

Outrageous behaviour on his behalf.

If he's not willing to change his mind, I'd leave him (and I never say that)

Like fuck would I be struggling on a carers wage with the father of my child earning 90k.

Stumpedasatree · 30/06/2023 21:17

Wtaf? I’m sorry, how in the hell has this been allowed to continue over 11 years? It is so wrong OP, just get out and let him support his daughter properly. You will both be so much happier.

Dacadactyl · 30/06/2023 21:17

And he is your HUSBAND no less. What a stingy git.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 30/06/2023 21:18

How can he possibly justify paying bills in proportion to earnings but not pay anything for his child? He sounds like he is compulsively saving for the day he ditches his family.

Original poster
MrsKnob · 30/06/2023 21:19

Yes, he's generally been a bit of a wanker to both myself and dd over the years, and yes I've probably been manipulated into just accepting this.

I'm only asking for about £150 a month towards supporting his daughter, and he earns a lot and our mortgage is paid off so it's not like he can't afford it.

I have no idea about his savings, I think he squirrels money away all over the place.

I was also thinking divorce, he would have to pay me a lot more if I go to csa

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 21:22

We have always shared bills in proportion to earnings.

Why did DD not count as a shared cost from the start? Why did the misogynistic bastard your husband not consider his child part of a family cost of living?

AgentJohnson · 30/06/2023 21:23

You already know the answer to your question. Why aren’t you asking yourself why you have put up with this for so long? At least if you divorced him you could apply for CM. What is the point of this man and why are you content for your dysfunctional relationship with him, to be your DD’s primary relationship role model?

Penguinsmum · 30/06/2023 21:23

Yep. Vile pig.

Seaoftroubles · 30/06/2023 21:24

So how on earth does he justify not paying a penny towards his own child? He's not actually fit to be called her Father! Honestly he sounds awful, just divorce him and get everything that's due to you.

Devastateddaughter · 30/06/2023 21:24

Your poor daughter

NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 21:26

I'm only asking for about £150 a month towards supporting his daughter

If you want to stay married, tell him it’ll cost him far more than £300 a month if you get divorced (you’ve doubled the opening offer because he’s been a wanker about it).

If you think actually a life away from His Majesty Tightwad sounds better, don’t tell him just get the wheels in motion - any info you can access about his salary, etc and get on with finding a good divorce lawyer.

EllaRaines · 30/06/2023 21:26

There is nothing attractive about a miser particularly when it's detrimental to his own daughters quality of life.

I would get rid of him and teach him a lesson that now he will have to contribute instead of squandering his wages for whatever it is he is saving for.

I would let him see the comments so that he can understand that it's not you, it is him that is behaving appallingly.

NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 21:27

In the meantime, I’d stop contributing my ‘share’ into the bills etc. Stop food shopping or whatever. Tell him as he won’t contribute to DD’s costs you need your own salary to do so.

Original poster
MrsKnob · 30/06/2023 21:37

I suggested a joint account for dd costs as he usually shouts at me if I ask for money towards any dd costs. I always text him as I'm scared to ask face to face. I then have to justify any purchases I've made that he considers a waste of money.

I know it's wrong, I grew up with abusive parents so I guess I've set my bar very low.

I was having counselling, but she reported me to social services as she though my dd was also being emotionally abused.

I know I need to leave, it's just soooooooo hard. I always get in a panic about not being able to cope on my own and fear has kept me here.

I guess I just need emotional support to do this, I think that was the point of my post. I'm completely broken though from 15+ years of emotional abuse and a shadow of my old feisty self.

OP posts:
Anklespraying · 30/06/2023 21:43

Poor you.

You can do it. Just make a plan, take your time, speak to a solicitor, get advice.

I found wikivorce very helpful.

You have an income so you can get credit to get you through the transition.

People are right, his money is more important than both of you.

JerseyRoyalMe · 30/06/2023 21:44

Your options are Leave and you will figure out. Or Stay for the lifetime of abuse and create the same path for your DD.

OutDamnedSpot · 30/06/2023 21:47

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Based on your OP, i tried it with £75,000 pa, and even with her staying with him twice a week (which she probably wouldn’t?) it comes out at £569 pcm. LTB. You’d be financially and emotionally better off.

Calculate your child maintenance

Use this calculator to work out an amount of child maintenance for your children.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Anklespraying · 30/06/2023 21:51

You are even calling yourself Mrs knob. This nob has taken you over.

Get out from underneath him. You will soon feel better.