Is my dh being a knob ??

[MrsKnob]

Name Changed for this, sorry it's long.

So myself and dh have been married 15 years, together around 20. We have always shared bills in proportion to earnings. I work in care on minimum wage as it fits well around childcare which has always been totally down to me. He has a big job earning the high end of a 5 figure salary and he does absolutely nothing with our 11 year old dd.

He has never financially supported anything with dd in 11 years, and I mean nothing, such as Christmas, birthdays, cloths, activities, childcare, absolutely nothing.

He has always been extremely tight and controlling with money, which I have just accepted over the years, he’s a compulsive saver.

I’ve now got to the point where I’m struggling with the costs and getting into dept with affording secondary uniform, activities, well everything to do with dd really. She does do a moderately expensive sport which I have always paid for completely myself. Well today I sent him a text explaining that I’m struggling and asking for a joint account that we both pay into for dd costs. He had completely gone off the deep end! He currently not talking to me and the atmosphere is awful. It was of course a resounding no to my request and now he stonewalling.

He’s being a knob isn’t he?? Am I being unreasonable??

He has done a real number on you. For the sake of both you and your DD I hope you can divorce him and manage to lead a happier life.

That is financial abuse.

First of all Contact women’s aid. You are being financially and emotionally abused. So is your daughter. Reach into your boots for your warrior woman and tiger mum and do this for her if you can’t do it for yourself. It’s a terrible thing for your daughter to witness and not learn boundaries. She will think this is a normal relationship and it’s anything but.

Thank you so much everyone. He has got up this morning saying to dd that he's upset as mummy sent him nasty texts yesterday. I've read through them there was not a nasty comment in there, just me explaining that dd is expensive and I need some help with it.

When I got out of the shower dd had my phone and was reading through my texts so she could see for herself that there was nothing nasty.

I do worry about her caught up in all this shit. In some ways she's a really mature 11, but in others way's quite young. She has a pretty solid friendship group thankfully. She starts secondary in September so she's going to have a lot going on. Thankfully we are very close.

Take it from me, get that girl away from him as soon as possible. I left it too late and my daughter is FUCKED UP. I beg you not to make the same mistake I did, thinking I could mitigate and protect her. You can't, he's been damaging her for years. My kid now openly says she hates me for keeping her with him so long, I hate myself

I'm sure you know this but no matter how much he slates you to your daughter, NEVER EVER do it back. She either knows hes a twat or she will learn, and subsequently she will grow to understand her dad is a manipulative arsehole and you had her best interests at heart no matter how hard it was for you.

My eyes filled with tears at your little girl crying on her birthday, because her daddy popped all her balloons and shouted at her.

You should have divorced him then. Do it now.

Divorce him. You may even be awarded more than half. Which will teach the evil cunt right.

My god, I can’t believe men like him exist. Vile.

A hard lesson for you here @MrsKnob

OP

once you see a solicitor and get this ball rolling, please keep us updated.

I can feel a “and they lived happily ever after” vibe in your future, without the knob, and would love to hear it!

Here's the good news if you divorce this awful man,

Your mortgage is paid off?;sell the house and take you get at least 50% of all that lovely equity.

He has money hidden in savings;also half is yours.

His big fat pension with that large salary;also half yours.

And the CMS would award you a chunk of that salary for your daughter.

Brucey bonus;you'll be free of him.

Take legal advice asap;tell them you think he's hiding money.

What the fuck did I just read?!?!?!!!!!!!! I don't doubt that this is real, but I struggle to believe there's someone this awful in the world. Jesus. Leave him and do it yesterday. Fucking hell.

He has got up this morning saying to dd that he's upset as mummy sent him nasty texts yesterday. I've read through them there was not a nasty comment in there, just me explaining that dd is expensive and I need some help with it.

Just when we thought he surely couldn't get any worse, this wicked, manipulative gaslighting. "Mum cares for you and wants you to be properly provided for by your parents, but I don't care about you and I don't want you to have what you need - but she is the nasty one."

Those completely rational and non-nasty-at-all texts shouldn't even be necessary at all - only the most disgusting and selfish parents wouldn't instinctively know that their children needed to be financially provided for, and make sure that they did have whatever they need.

Jesus. Leave. Leave now.

Great that he's a saver - that will mean a greater share for you and your girl when you leave the bastard. I know it's hard but there are lots of organisations out there who will help and support you. Don't wait any longer. Go see a good divorce lawyer and set yourselves free. Good luck!

I'm at a family gathering with his family today, I got quite a frosty greeting from most of them, they've all probably had his nasty wife narrative. This is making for an interesting day

Definitely divorce him. He sounds awful!

He will have to pay a lot more than £150 a month Child support then too!

I agree with pp that you should divorce him.

Firstly, and most importantly, because he's a selfish idiot who thinks he shouldn;t have to look after or pay for his own children. I've come across a few dinosaurs who think childcare is 'women's work' but he goes one further and thinks that even paying for children is women's work. For that reason alone I would leave him, as it shows he's selfish, self-serving, a rubbish father and a rubbish husband.

Additional reasons (should you need them, which you don't) - he's tight, controlling, you daren't talk to him about money, he tells his family you're a bad wife, giving you the silent treatment.

There are LOTS of reasons in your posts to divorce him. They all come down to the fact that this man treats you with disdain and disrespect, he doesn't show any signs of loving you and he's a rubbish father.

Your children would be better off living away from him, especially as they may copy your relationship in their own adult lives as they will see it as normal.

My last reason for divorcing him is financial..... he's been screwing you financially for years. He hasn't looked after his own children. He's stashed money away, hidden money, seen you living on the breadline and being the sole financial provider for your children....aside from the fact this makes him a crap husband and father, it means the only way you will get him to provide for his children / stop pilfering off you / to declare what he has and share it fairly with you - is to divorce him.

You will be happier, better off financially, and your children will be better off in every respect.

Today has been horrible, captain knobhead has been sat with his family doing the poor wounded husband act. Apparently I'm a terrible frivolous wife set out to put him into financial ruin. I've had a few comments about how wasteful I am, obviously put in a nice way - ps I'm not frivolous or wasteful.

Dd is enjoying seeing her cousins though. I'm feeling really sad as I have no family and these people have become family to me over the past 20 years.

Do you want that precious child ending up like you, with a similar nasty bastard as a husband.

How awful she has been exposed for years.

That poor child.

She has been utterly failed.

I couldn't bear for my child to witness that her father is awful and for her to be exposed to such awful behaviour.

Please try and put her first and reach out for help.

She is being terribly emotionally abused witnessing what she does.

Be brave.

Save your child.

They're all massive bastards.
OP, where are you based? X

In my first read I was of the opinion that you should get yourself a forensic accountant and understand exactly how much he's got squirrelled away and divorce him based on this. But in reflection I'd be tempted to ensure you start at 50% of what he'll admit to, set yourself and your dc up with that and claim cm. Although if he's working for himself and takes dividends it might be a smaller amount than. You're expecting.

Sometimes it's just better to drop the road, get out of this awful situation and move on. Your self esteem and mh is more important that money sometimes

@MrsKnob tbh your comments are reading about you . Dh is a massive c**t to you yes.
You come after your Daughter though.
He’s messing with her head and your allowing it.
She could have so much more and so could you.
Wtaf! Why would you want these people around you never mind your daughter ???!. Open your eyes.
Everyone here is trying to support you and get you to do the right thing.
You seem like you what to stay . He’s not going to change . It’s not to late for your daughter though.

Please, please take steps to leave him. It sounds so like the situation with my dad and will be damaging your daughter. As an adult I'm close to my mum BUT I do feel bitter that she allowed the situation to carry on and think about the childhood I could have had if she'd been stronger.

His behaviour towards you both is financially and emotionally abusive. In my house, I am the high earner but our money is all shared. We actually refer to being a team and although the kids know I earn the money, it is always referred to as 'mum and dad' paying for things.

Can any of you lovely Mumsneters recommend a good divorce lawyer in Cambridgeshire??