Is my dh being a knob ??

[MrsKnob]

Name Changed for this, sorry it's long.

So myself and dh have been married 15 years, together around 20. We have always shared bills in proportion to earnings. I work in care on minimum wage as it fits well around childcare which has always been totally down to me. He has a big job earning the high end of a 5 figure salary and he does absolutely nothing with our 11 year old dd.

He has never financially supported anything with dd in 11 years, and I mean nothing, such as Christmas, birthdays, cloths, activities, childcare, absolutely nothing.

He has always been extremely tight and controlling with money, which I have just accepted over the years, he’s a compulsive saver.

I’ve now got to the point where I’m struggling with the costs and getting into dept with affording secondary uniform, activities, well everything to do with dd really. She does do a moderately expensive sport which I have always paid for completely myself. Well today I sent him a text explaining that I’m struggling and asking for a joint account that we both pay into for dd costs. He had completely gone off the deep end! He currently not talking to me and the atmosphere is awful. It was of course a resounding no to my request and now he stonewalling.

He’s being a knob isn’t he?? Am I being unreasonable??

Cut the cunt loose.

No decent father deprives their child of a lifestyle while they squirrel money away for themselves. He should get pleasure in seeing her develop and learn new skills.

You need to do this slowly and carefully though, and try to find out what he's doing with his money. He may very well have hidden it.

OP - I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s awful. (And yes of course it is him being unreasonable).

please download Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft (it’s available on kindle app).

Don’t tell your H about it and read discreetly. I think you will find it gives you some amazing perspective on your situation and it’s really compassionate and insightful.

Take a bit of time getting legal advice and seeing what you can fathom about his financial affairs from paperwork he might keep at home? Sounds as though he is likely to try and underplay his assets/hide money if the divorce word is mentioned.

He is also likely to get nastier if he feels he is losing control of you/the situation, so try and keep yourself together, stay beyond reproach in all the ways you can, and take the time to work out what the safest way out of this (if that’s what you want to find) will be.

CSA is the least of what you’ll be entitled to if he earns well, your mortgage is paid off, your DD is still at school etc so do not for one moment accept less than everything! If you earn much less you are likely to be awarded (for instance) more than half the house value. You will need it all to make things work alone and you and your DD deserve to be able to manage without him..

Thinking of you - it’s very, very difficult xx

Oh love he's got inside your head. You need to divorce so all your energy should be looking at ways to achieve that. Baby steps first.

Oh my goodness, poor you and poor DD! Echoing other posters to say please, please divorce him. You’ll be so much better off emotionally and financially. You’ve been doing it all yourself anyway so have nothing to fear and nothing to lose. Good luck

First reply nailed it

I know nothing about divorce, but have done a lot of reading. I was thinking of starting off the divorce without a lawyer. It's easy to apply for one online and costs around £500.

I was then thinking of involving a lawyer for the financials and consent order.

I think he's definitely hiding money, he's always justified it to me by saying he was saving for our future, but I'm pretty sure he means his future.

That is fucking disgusting, what a waste of your life to date, don't waste any more time with him.

wtf

why did he even have a child-thats a joint expense why have you accepted this for 11 years

and what happened with ss

With him hiding money and using it to control you, I wouldn't scrimp and I'd get some legal advice at the start.

I wouldn’t make the mistake of thinking a divorce will be straightforward if he is highly controlling and manipulative and also has deep pockets…

I would want someone pretty good to help navigate it with you from the outset, as you can be absolutely sure as soon as the word is out there he will be hiring the best money can buy to screw you over. Sometimes just taking the wrong tack can set you back if you don’t fully understand the terrain. Ideally find a female solicitor who has experience of abusive relationships - I’m sure lots of people who will chip in on this thread will have personal recommendations they can share. Often an initial meeting for advice is free, so you can scope out who you like and whether the advice is similar across the board. (Plus he can’t hire anyone who has advised you…) Play this very smart - he will.

And read that book before you do anything!

If you think he is going to be sneaky, it may be worth investing in a forensic accountant. They find all the accounts.
You may be linked on your credit ratings because of name/marital status and address, so it may be worth a look on there as sometimes accounts show up

He sounds like my dad. My mum divorced him when I was 21. I wish so much she'd divorced him when she first talked about it when I was 12.

I got nothing out of them being together. He did nothing with me and she had to pay for everything.

He is being financially abusive OP.

Also womens aid may be able to suggest a good shit hot lawyer who understands abuse. If its any help, these men follow pretty standard patterns of behaviour. It may shock you what he will do, but a good lawyer who knows their stuff will have seen it all and be several steps ahead in the script

Op go through everything you can to find out about the money before you leave.

He will try to hide it even more as soon as he knows you are trying to leave.

My mum found share certificates worth over £100k in a briefcase. She knew nothing about them and couldn't even afford to take me to the cinema.

Right, firstly he's an absolute megalithic cunt and I won't suggest bumping him off for his life insurance, because I want to keep this account.

Get a divorce lawyer who hates these abusers.
Take half of the house.
Take half his fucking shoes, just to be spiteful.

I've worked in care for years and can honestly say I've never known a carer with a husband who earns that much money need a job.

Get yourself on entitled to, see what working 20 hours a week gets you.
You'll have more money.
Don't get into debt if you can help it.

Get half the house. Get literally everything you can, he's a total waste of time, energy, skin.

You and DD deserve so much more.

And take advice from all the women on here who've divorced arsehole husbands.
You can do this. Your life will be considerably better x

My god he sounds extremely financially abuse. You and your poor daughter. What a sit dad. The fact you even had to ask for £150. Disgusting.

@Lwrenagain articlulated that so much better than me! I’m so angry for you! Do what she says.

@MrsKnob there's lots of emotional support on here from people on here, even if you don't have it in real life.

You just have to keep your eye on the prize (being able to afford to give your child a good start and maybe even an occasional treat for yourself!)

You CAN do this! Keep posting on here for advice from people who have been there.

Good luck!

You have said that you are scared to go it alone but look at it this way, it sounds like you already have been going it alone in both your marriage and rasing your DD?! It sounds like you have been let down by the people who are meant to care for you most in the world and no wonder you have put up with this for so long. When you feel scared try to imagine a life where your daughter grows up thinking this is the normal kind of relationship to have...try and do this for her if anything and show her that this is not how people should ever be treated ever. You don't realise it now but you do have the power to walk away and have a better life.

Everything @Lwrenagain said!

I would go on to the child maintenance calculator screenshot it, send it tell him he needs ti start paying xyz off his own back because he actually does give a hoot about dd or he can do it through cma because thats what she will be entitled to when you leave the bas….

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I obviously don't know all the ins and outs and you know your life and what's best for you better than anyone else, but if this helps at all -

Reading this I could really relate to my parents - your husband is exactly how my dad was with money, in the end he had been secretly saving money on the side to eventually leave when he met someone else. As the child in their situation I can hands down say the best thing my parents did was divorce - although it was tough for a while, my mum became a different person and so much happier again, and our house was much happier too. It will be difficult to adjust but you have a life out there waiting for you to enjoy fully while being able to be fully yourself!

Your daughter will also be better off not seeing the lack and respect and manipulation that's happening to you - the older she gets, the more she will see, and she probably already sees and knows more than you think. You don't want her to grow up thinking this example of a relationship is healthy or normal.

You mentioned you had abusive parents too, I'm sorry you went through this. You have the opportunity to break the generational cycle here so your daughter doesn't follow the same patterns when she becomes an adult. You are strong and will be a great role model to her. It's already amazing that you know something is wrong and needs to change. Seeing my mum do a lot on her own, while holding down a good job and keep a house, it made me believe I could do anything I set my mind to too.

Make sure you have good support around you to help you to the next step, whatever you decide. Take care of yourself and your daughter.

The good thing about him saving all that money is that you are entitled to some of that when you divorce him. I would be at the solicitor's on Monday. Financial abuse is a very good reason to leave somebody.

Yes, people I work with are also astounded that I work in care when dh earns that much, but I have never had access to any of his money, so have needed to work. But I honestly love my job and could now never give up working in care.

I also suffer with terrible anxiety, probably because of his abuse. I have panic attacks one after another for hours which leave me unable to do anything other than lay down and concentrate on breathing. My daughter has witnessed me in this state a few times which I feel terrible for.

This is one of my main fears of going alone. My friends that know what is going on though keep saying to me that I will be much better once I'm away from him.

Sorry to drip feed, I really didn't want to do that.

I have to somehow find my strength