Is my dh being a knob ??

[MrsKnob]

Name Changed for this, sorry it's long.

So myself and dh have been married 15 years, together around 20. We have always shared bills in proportion to earnings. I work in care on minimum wage as it fits well around childcare which has always been totally down to me. He has a big job earning the high end of a 5 figure salary and he does absolutely nothing with our 11 year old dd.

He has never financially supported anything with dd in 11 years, and I mean nothing, such as Christmas, birthdays, cloths, activities, childcare, absolutely nothing.

He has always been extremely tight and controlling with money, which I have just accepted over the years, he’s a compulsive saver.

I’ve now got to the point where I’m struggling with the costs and getting into dept with affording secondary uniform, activities, well everything to do with dd really. She does do a moderately expensive sport which I have always paid for completely myself. Well today I sent him a text explaining that I’m struggling and asking for a joint account that we both pay into for dd costs. He had completely gone off the deep end! He currently not talking to me and the atmosphere is awful. It was of course a resounding no to my request and now he stonewalling.

He’s being a knob isn’t he?? Am I being unreasonable??

That is just disgusting behaviour from him, to not pay towards your child’s needs??? What kind of man is that.

I do not know what he does for a living but I guarantee he will try and hide his money both savings, assets and if there is any way round taking his wages to lower child maintenance or push for 50/50 so there is no maintenance. You need to make a plan and do not let him know at all.

Get free initial consultations with the best divorce lawyers in your area, I think and can someone confirm that if you have consulted them then he cannot use them as a conflict of interest. I have a relative whose ex moved overseas for yeas to avoid paying any maintenance.

This man will do anything to avoid losing money.

Well at least he can't hide the house so that's the good thing.

A solicitor can get a court order for bank and HMRC records.

Half a house value will probably get you a nice flat for the two of you. I'm in a flat post divorce and I love it, amazing views from high up, miles of open sky and sunshine, that alone lifts my spirits every day.

There's a bright side ahead.

You poor darling - this abusive cunt of a waste of space has done a number on you!! You really can't put up with this crap any longer, for your sake and for your DD's. It takes a supreme fucker of a bastard to refuse to support his own child!

Please get advice from Women's Aid. Get as much information about his finances as you possibly can. Take your and your DD's passports and any other important documents and get one of your friends to keep them for you.

He's a cruel piece of shit so expect him to fight dirty, but I guarantee you will be much better off financially and even more importantly emotional once you divorce his arse off!

Lean on your friends - I'm glad you have people who care about you xx

Also, I do know that my husband has shares in the small company he works for. This company had a 10 million turnover over 5 years ago, so it's probably a lot more now.

He also gets paid with dividends I think, he had two wage slips.

Thinking about it, he's actually being incredibly stupid as I can take a minimum of 50%

Ok OP you can do this. You've opened the box, don't put the lid back on. Use this thread for support, shout and you will be heard, people will help you move forward and get away from him. Take the opinions on here to heart, we believe you can do this and we all think he's a massive wanker. You and your daughter deserve better. Research divorce lawyers and start moving forward for your own sake. I'm pretty sure as you said the anxiety will largely disappear once you get rid of the millstone of your crappy husband. We've all got your back.

😂😂😂 megalithic cunt

If it's a shame based company you can possibly find the shareholders online.

https://www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate all the advice.

I think today when he refused to help support his daughter was a turning point for me. I have the texts from him as evidence.

Find a good solicitor who will accept payment when you get your settlement. Divorce the fuck out of this arsehole and make sure he pays out big time. Make sure you tell the solicitor about all the financial abuse.

echoing what everyone else has said @MrsKnob

Leave.

Do not scrimp on legal advice and think that you can get a lawyer just to do the paperwork. That works for amicable divorces with normal men. It won’t work in your situation. I’m 6 months separated from an abusive man (but with financial independence) and had initially harboured hopes we could do it amicably - I’ve only been able to progress it by engaging a lawyer, he was just ignoring me otherwise. And we are both lawyers.

Go to a good lawyer, explain your situation and the marital assets. I would think they would be able to invoice you when the divorce has settled and you have determined the asset split - this won’t be the first time divorce lawyers have encountered this kind of situation (sadly).

It will be hard but if at all possible don’t leave the house. Once you leave you won’t be able to get back in and you don’t have the money to pay for a roof over your head. If his reaction makes you worried for your safety call the police. Do you have any family, friends, workmates who you can confide in? You’d be surprised by how supportive people are. My boss (who I’m not particularly close to) offered to lend me her apartment!

I can almost guarantee your anxiety issues/panic attacks will subside or disappear once you extricate yourself from thsi relationship. I’ve struggled with insomnia for YEARS - i have slept like a baby since ex H and I split.

This time next year you could be free of your arsehole ex H and with more money than you’ve ever had access to in your adult life. Your life will be amazing. How old are you?

Your poor dd
A dad who cares zero
Get a good lawyer

Dont let him know what you’re planning. Find out as much financial information as you can. Can you get a copy of his payslip?

When was the house paid off and how? If he paid it off then that would suggest he’s been on a big wage for a while. What an are his monthly outgoings? If you know how much he’s spending and can’t get a payslip you may be able to guess.

Are your names on the title deeds?

If he’s received share dividends it will be a LTD company in which case you can get financial information about the from Companies House.

Dont do anything until you’ve done some research!

Need to get your ducks in a row.

Wait, why were YOU nearly reported to social services by your counsellor?

I also suffer with terrible anxiety, probably because of his abuse. I have panic attacks one after another for hours which leave me unable to do anything other than lay down and concentrate on breathing. My daughter has witnessed me in this state a few times which I feel terrible for.

This is one of my main fears of going alone.

You are having panic attacks because you are being abused. He, and your situation, are causing them. That is why you need to start the process of leaving very soon. Go see a solicitor who can give you advice on what you can get, this will give you the strength to carry on when he tells you that you cannot have anything.

Apart from all the excellent advice and support on here, make sure you understand that he is NOT a compulsive saver; he is a compulsive thief (from your DD) as well as a compulsive abuser.

A compulsive saver would avoid buying takeaway coffees, run an older owned-outright car, walk instead of taking the bus for a mile etc. Saving means cutting back on unnecessary discretionary spending, not wilfully depriving somebody you're financially responsible for (and are supposed to love) of the absolute basic essentials.

It's extra disgusting as, with his wage (and no mortgage to pay either), the £150 you've asked for would be no stretch at all. He isn't stealing from your DD because he believes that he needs the money more; he's deliberately stealing from her just because he arbitrarily wants her to suffer.

Poor, poor girl - how is she meant to feel, knowing that her father is joyfully and deliberately taking food out of her mouth, just because he can? She's far beyond the gullible stage of swallowing a 'Daddy doesn't have enough pennies today' lie.

What a monumentally nasty excuse for a parent. I wonder if he'll be genuinely surprised when he's elderly and lonely that his daughter wants absolutely nothing to do with him, nor to help him in any way.

When he realises that you're serious about divorcing him, and it sinks in how much of his precious ill-gotten 'savings' he stands to lose - as well as the ongoing proportion of his monthly salary - prepare for him to love-bomb you, tell you how sorry he was and assure you that he will change. He won't. He'll only be showing his love for the money, not for you or your DD.

I used to have terrible panic attacks and anxiety. Since I split from my ex-H I have not had a single one. I am finally off all the medication for it too.

My ex husband was financially, emotionally and sexually abusive. You will be so much better off without him.

Women's Aid really helped in my recovery, understanding what happened is important.

She doesn't like her dad, she often tells me that. He is a miserable nasty shit and I'm very scared of anything ever happening to me as she would have a miserable life with him. He's the kind of person to do nothing for birthday or Christmas with the idea that this would toughen her up. If it was up to him she never would have had a birthday celebrated in her life and I'm not joking, he is that tight.

He's of the old school thinking of treating children mean to teach them respect and toughen them up.

You'd be both financially and emotionally richer after you divorce him
Start planning even if you're not ready quite yet. Knowledge is power

was he this mean before kids

i just dont understand why you would stay so long

I remember once after a 4th birthday party in a hired hall, we were cleaning up and he went round popping all her balloon displays, and when she cried about it shouting that he was not going to be emotionally manipulated by her.

Ffs, she had just turned 4. I was to in the FOG at the time to take action, I feel incredibly guilty about that as it had been a lovely party until that point

He sounds absolutely horrible.
The future is so much brighter for you both if you leave him!