Is my dh being a knob ??

[MrsKnob]

Name Changed for this, sorry it's long.

So myself and dh have been married 15 years, together around 20. We have always shared bills in proportion to earnings. I work in care on minimum wage as it fits well around childcare which has always been totally down to me. He has a big job earning the high end of a 5 figure salary and he does absolutely nothing with our 11 year old dd.

He has never financially supported anything with dd in 11 years, and I mean nothing, such as Christmas, birthdays, cloths, activities, childcare, absolutely nothing.

He has always been extremely tight and controlling with money, which I have just accepted over the years, he’s a compulsive saver.

I’ve now got to the point where I’m struggling with the costs and getting into dept with affording secondary uniform, activities, well everything to do with dd really. She does do a moderately expensive sport which I have always paid for completely myself. Well today I sent him a text explaining that I’m struggling and asking for a joint account that we both pay into for dd costs. He had completely gone off the deep end! He currently not talking to me and the atmosphere is awful. It was of course a resounding no to my request and now he stonewalling.

He’s being a knob isn’t he?? Am I being unreasonable??

How much do you pay towards bills? Could you possibly reduce that amount to pay towards your daughter until you are divorced? Also, you don't need to wait until you are divorced to start a cms claim. Please make plans now to leave him for your daughter's sake.

You'll get 900 a month if he's on an90,000 a year salary, plus some of the marital home x

OMG @MrsKnob run don’t walk. Leave this joyless fuck and start living your life.

My ex H was like this but in his case it wasn’t so much tightness as complete laziness and an inability to invest emotionally in any relationships. Never did anything for Christmas or birthdays. Once screamed vile abuse at me, threw things at me, smashed things because I complained that all the work of Christmas fell to me. He refused to help - my options were either I do it all or just don't do it. Don't do Christmas. We had a 3 y.o and a 6 month old baby. Money was not an issue.

Last year he forgot my birthday and somehow that was my fault too. We "couldn't afford" to buy me a present despite the fact we both earn 6 figures and he'd just bought himself a $$$$$ exercise bike. I left him 6 weeks later (that wasn't actually the final straw but it was one of them (one of the many!))

At least half the marital home, possibly more if you can show economic detriment (which you absolutely can)

I feel so sorry for you now, but so excited for how good your life is going to get once you've left hi x

He's of the old school thinking of treating children mean to teach them respect and toughen them up.

Incredibly thick as well as nasty; how on earth would you properly teach a child how to respect others by demonstrating to them how you deliberately and repeatedly disrespect them?

This has shocked me more than anything I’ve read on here !
I can’t believe he pays zilch for his child and he lives with her . wow!

I was going to say try another counsellor just for the support to leave , but can you get that here . ???

I wouldnt ask him for another penny for her , I’d get your plan in place it seems the best way to get what your due is to keep quiet .
He has you worn down and exactly where he wants you.

well say no more !!

OP, you are in a rare position of becoming wealthier upon divorce.

Absolutely speak to a lawyer now. Return to counseling, how can you get stronger without it? You need the support.

You need to find the strength because your daughter is being damaged by the day.

oh and even £150 a week is nothing these days and especially with a teenager when that happens

You can do it. First step call Women's Aid. Get the abuse recorded somehow. You can go to the police you know. Do this for your daughter. You are entitled to 50% of all he has. Then you can leave your money to your daughter so she won't end up with nothing. Post it in the legal forum to get the best advice about solicitors.

*I know I need to leave, it's just soooooooo hard. I always get in a panic about not being able to cope on my own and fear has kept me here.

I guess I just need emotional support to do this, I think that was the point of my post. I'm completely broken though from 15+ years of emotional abuse and a shadow of my old feisty self.*
I understand feeling like that and having no self esteem or self belief left after living through that. But, you're already do it on you own. Your scared of asking him anything, o can relate, when is the last time he actually supported you? I expect you've been coping with everything on your own for a very long time. A therapist I saw said that must have been really lonely, I'd never thought of it that way, but it is really lonely.

Wow. Just wow.

Leave him, for your own and your daughter good. He is more than a knob.

What a selfish arsehole to deny his family the basics, while hoarding money.

I was scared about going it alone as had severe anxiety to deal with too, but it reduced so much after I left and I really appreciated my new calm sanctuary, I'm not sure now I'd ever want to share it with a partner again.

My ex wasn't abusive so I'd not connected him as a source of anxiety and didn't realise I was moulding myself around someone else's moods, trying to judge if was good time to ask questions and stress about what I wasn't being told because they didn't want to upset me or thought I wouldn't cope. We had amicable split & used to meet occasionally as friends and after having time on my own it was more obvious there was a suffocating cloud of anxiety around him.

What’s he planning to do with the savings?

You know exactly what you should do.
Solicitor asap and get the weirdo out of your life.
You will regret it ultimately if you let yourself and your family down.

Your daughter will grow up thinking this is normal. It isn't. It is financial abuse. Leave and then he will have to pat.

This is really shocking. Please make a plan to leave. You'll have more money and you'll be without that utterly despicable excuse for a husband/father. I bet your panic attacks will stop. Your colleagues seem to think so too, and so does everyone on here. Do it for your daughter and yourself for a bright future x

After the only reason why people stay in a marriage is because the children want the parents to stay together. Your daughter doesn't want that. She doesn't like her dad and I don't blame her.

Hire a good lawyer and get a divorce. Then you can start to look at how you want to live your life.

This

Does anyone know if OP can apply for financial support from the Knob while still married? Once divorce petition is known, this will turn nasty anyway, so she would benefit from getting his dollar asap, to support her through the process.

Find some legal advice and start the divorce process asap

I was also with a financially abusive husband who kept for himself the lion’s share of the money. I wish I had had a forum like Mumsnet to walk me through the process, keep me on track and cheer me on.
I left with three children, two suitcases and a deposit for a rental that taken me a long time to save up. The divorcing solicitor was pretty rubbish , I didn’t know any better, and we got nothing.
It is still hard to leave, but times and solicitors have moved on. Financially you will be better off without him.
If you have no decent relatives that you would trust to look after your daughter in the event of your early death, have a conversation with your closest friends and see if any of them would be her guardian. Then write it into your will.
You can do this . First of all get some help for your anxiety!

It's financial abuse and you have knowingly let him get away with it for the last 11 years. WTF.

Sorry pressed send to early!
You need to start gathering evidence of earnings to make sure you get a fair deal, is there anywhere you can go?
You really need to get tough with this situation.