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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s over. The guy I’m dating just called me and said he doesn’t think this relationship should go any further. I’m devastated.

161 replies

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:14

23F. I have 8 month old DS. Me and his dad have absolutely 0 contact. ((Cheating… whole other story for another day)) ( He arranges days to see his son through my mum which is roughly once every 2 weeks).
I still see my ex ‘sister in law’ (my ex’s brother’s ex partner… lol, still with me?) as she also has a child so we have a mutual interest to keep the children in each other’s lives as of course they are cousins.

Anyway, enough context, a (really decent) guy who lives on her road asked for my number about a week ago. I had seen him in passing many times before. He’s great and often takes her child on days out etc , He’s a few years younger than me. We hit it off instantly and me being me fell head over heels. (Urgh why do I do this..)

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

The most embarrassing thing was I had to mute the phone call after he told me it was over as tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and he must have known as he said “are you ok?”

I feel a failure. Who’s going to want me now? I’m a young single mum still living at my mum’s as no where else to live. No money. Why am I so naive? Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Reading this back Im aware I sound pretty pathetic. But I’m so upset. Please someone say something to make me feel better. I’m absolutely devastated.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 30/06/2023 18:18

Have a good cry, then a cup of tea, then a good sleep. It will feel better in the morning.

TheProvincialLady · 30/06/2023 18:20

One day you are going to look back and laugh at what a lucky escape you had from that enormous crybaby. Honestly, is he even an adult? You can and will do a thousand times better. Chin up.

EVHead · 30/06/2023 18:21

You’re in a difficult position, essentially raising a child on your own. But being devastated after a week is not a rational reaction - in your shoes I would focus on my child and myself and start dating once I was feeling stronger.

BreviloquentBastard · 30/06/2023 18:21

You don't want to be in a relationship with the kind of man who'd dump you to avoid upsetting his mummy anyway. They are universally terrible partners. A nice man who has managed to sever his umbilical cord will come along one day, you're still so young and have plenty of time to meet someone.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 30/06/2023 18:24

Sweetheart, I promise you that you will move n much quicker than you think you will.

He is so young so immature emotionally, not like you.

He really isn’t your Mr Right, you know that deep down, you are just so upset right now that he isn’t.

Your Mr Right is out there waiting for you to find him!!! - which you will.

Ring a friend when baby is in bed, have a good cry. Will do you the world of good.

Tomorrow is a new day, you never know, you might meet Mr Right tomorrow!!! Xxx

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2023 18:26

Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Op, you really to do some serious work on yourself. You are very, very vulnerable to getting into a relationship with an abusive man. For the sake of your child, you need to figure out why you fall so hard and fast for someone who is virtually a stranger.

PaigeMatthews · 30/06/2023 18:28

He hasnt done anything wrong here. He has seen the drama with others who are not together and decided he actually doesn't want that.

with regards to you, you absolutely need to work on yourself before you start dating.

you are only 23 but this guy was several years younger than you. Is he still a teenager?

you have been speaking to him for ONE WEEK and think you have fallen in live with him. You havent at all. You are looking to fill a void. If you carry on with this you will latch on to the first unsuitable man who shows you any attention and that is absolutely jot fair on your child.

why you do this is probably connected to your upbringing.

you need to get yourself in a much healthier position. Do you have a career path? Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends?

also, why is he taking your child’s cousin on days out?

Gizzey · 30/06/2023 18:29

A week is a short time. Try to get it into perspective (after you’ve had a good cry!).

You’re young. Your child is very young. Give yourself some time to focus on yourself and your baby. You don’t need the ups and downs of dating drama, especially if you’re feeling fragile. You’ll meet someone eventually.

There is no rush.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 30/06/2023 18:29

Seriously a man who's dm manages his life? You can do better than him op...

Missingmyusername · 30/06/2023 18:30

“You don't want to be in a relationship with the kind of man who'd dump you to avoid upsetting his mummy anyway. “

This!^ You need a man not a boy!!!!!

Allow yourself to wallow for a few days, do what you need to do.

I agree with pp, you fall hard and fast, way too fast. You need to work on yourself before getting in to a relationship or dating.

Skatingwaiting · 30/06/2023 18:30

You swerved a mummy’s boy… thank your lucky stars. Chin up!

JeandeServiette · 30/06/2023 18:30

Don't date yet.

Build yourself a life. Get some training. Get a degree. Get professional qualifications or a masters. Volunteer. Intern. Whatever you need to get a career you'll love.

Nurture your child and cement your family. Lean on your mum for childcare. Don't let men into your baby's young life. These are foundational years for their happiness.

Then look at your housing options. Work. Save. Plan the life you want for you and LO.

You'll feel better going into relationships feeling more equal and accomplished, and you'll have a clearer head once D.C. is a little bit older.

jazzybelle · 30/06/2023 18:32

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:14

23F. I have 8 month old DS. Me and his dad have absolutely 0 contact. ((Cheating… whole other story for another day)) ( He arranges days to see his son through my mum which is roughly once every 2 weeks).
I still see my ex ‘sister in law’ (my ex’s brother’s ex partner… lol, still with me?) as she also has a child so we have a mutual interest to keep the children in each other’s lives as of course they are cousins.

Anyway, enough context, a (really decent) guy who lives on her road asked for my number about a week ago. I had seen him in passing many times before. He’s great and often takes her child on days out etc , He’s a few years younger than me. We hit it off instantly and me being me fell head over heels. (Urgh why do I do this..)

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

The most embarrassing thing was I had to mute the phone call after he told me it was over as tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and he must have known as he said “are you ok?”

I feel a failure. Who’s going to want me now? I’m a young single mum still living at my mum’s as no where else to live. No money. Why am I so naive? Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Reading this back Im aware I sound pretty pathetic. But I’m so upset. Please someone say something to make me feel better. I’m absolutely devastated.

Thanks for reading

What relationship? You haven't really got one with him yet. He knows SIL sees her and her ex arguing regularly, how come he takes her child out and asked you out the first place?

reesewithoutaspoon · 30/06/2023 18:34

Are you upset because you genuinely liked him or because he rejected you (sorry to sound so harsh) Its unlikely that you were in love with him after just a week . You don't even know enough about him. More likely that you are feeling vulnerable and you pinned your hopes on him to provide a way out of your situation and then he pulled that rug from under you.
You need to work on building yourself up. you cant look to others to fill a void, or you will latch on to any unsuitable man that comes along and shoes you some attention. Thats not good for you or you're child.

GlassWall · 30/06/2023 18:35

JeandeServiette · 30/06/2023 18:30

Don't date yet.

Build yourself a life. Get some training. Get a degree. Get professional qualifications or a masters. Volunteer. Intern. Whatever you need to get a career you'll love.

Nurture your child and cement your family. Lean on your mum for childcare. Don't let men into your baby's young life. These are foundational years for their happiness.

Then look at your housing options. Work. Save. Plan the life you want for you and LO.

You'll feel better going into relationships feeling more equal and accomplished, and you'll have a clearer head once D.C. is a little bit older.

Good post.

OP, what is screaming out at me from your post is your extreme vulnerability — you’re weeping hysterically over a man you can’t have seen more than a couple of times if he only asked for your number a week ago, and you’re referring to it as a ‘relationship’. In the nicest possible way, it wasn’t a relationship — unless you have endless childcare, you can’t have even gone out with him more than once or twice. He’s a total stranger, and, from what you say, a teenager. The fact that you’re inflating this into a relationship shows your vulnerability.

I would act on @JeandeServiette ’s advice. Put dating out of your head and work on yourself.

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:48

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 30/06/2023 18:24

Sweetheart, I promise you that you will move n much quicker than you think you will.

He is so young so immature emotionally, not like you.

He really isn’t your Mr Right, you know that deep down, you are just so upset right now that he isn’t.

Your Mr Right is out there waiting for you to find him!!! - which you will.

Ring a friend when baby is in bed, have a good cry. Will do you the world of good.

Tomorrow is a new day, you never know, you might meet Mr Right tomorrow!!! Xxx

Thank you 😣❤️ xxx

OP posts:
heartofglass23 · 30/06/2023 18:48

Set some life goals and focus on them.

Is a boyfriend really so important?

Get an education
Get started on a career with a future
Choose where you want to live long term and where you want your dc to go to school
Aim to earn enough to buy a flat somewhere good for you.
Then once your life is sorted, then think about relationships.

You don't want to live your life depending on men. They will always let you down.

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:50

PaigeMatthews · 30/06/2023 18:28

He hasnt done anything wrong here. He has seen the drama with others who are not together and decided he actually doesn't want that.

with regards to you, you absolutely need to work on yourself before you start dating.

you are only 23 but this guy was several years younger than you. Is he still a teenager?

you have been speaking to him for ONE WEEK and think you have fallen in live with him. You havent at all. You are looking to fill a void. If you carry on with this you will latch on to the first unsuitable man who shows you any attention and that is absolutely jot fair on your child.

why you do this is probably connected to your upbringing.

you need to get yourself in a much healthier position. Do you have a career path? Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends?

also, why is he taking your child’s cousin on days out?

@PaigeMatthews

he is 20yrs old and I am currently 22yrs (soon to be 23)

answer to your other question, he’s trusted by my SIL so she’ll often use him as a babysitter

OP posts:
SayHi · 30/06/2023 18:50

It’s been a week.

This has nothing to do with SIL and ex. You’ve obviously come on way too strong.

I hope this is a joke as saying you’re in love with someone after a week is pathetic.

If it’s not a joke then you need to stay single.

standardduck · 30/06/2023 18:53

You sound very vulnerable, OP.

Focus on building your own life with your child and stay away from relationships for a while.

Fluffycloudsblusky · 30/06/2023 18:54

Have you done the freedom program ? It could be a really good preemptive action to take.
And maybe a self esteem course? Possibly your health visitor could refer you to one?
good luck. You will meet a nice man one day. But you need to be on a good place too first.

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:54

GlassWall · 30/06/2023 18:35

Good post.

OP, what is screaming out at me from your post is your extreme vulnerability — you’re weeping hysterically over a man you can’t have seen more than a couple of times if he only asked for your number a week ago, and you’re referring to it as a ‘relationship’. In the nicest possible way, it wasn’t a relationship — unless you have endless childcare, you can’t have even gone out with him more than once or twice. He’s a total stranger, and, from what you say, a teenager. The fact that you’re inflating this into a relationship shows your vulnerability.

I would act on @JeandeServiette ’s advice. Put dating out of your head and work on yourself.

Show quote history

@GlassWall thanks for your comment, yes I’m extremely vulnerable (I’ll admit)

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 30/06/2023 18:54

He took your number a week ago! How many dates have you even had? I'm sorry you are upset but can't you see this wasn't even a relationship, you barely know him.

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:55

BreviloquentBastard · 30/06/2023 18:21

You don't want to be in a relationship with the kind of man who'd dump you to avoid upsetting his mummy anyway. They are universally terrible partners. A nice man who has managed to sever his umbilical cord will come along one day, you're still so young and have plenty of time to meet someone.

@BreviloquentBastard Thank you for this xx

OP posts:
NeverThatSerious · 30/06/2023 18:56

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:50

@PaigeMatthews

he is 20yrs old and I am currently 22yrs (soon to be 23)

answer to your other question, he’s trusted by my SIL so she’ll often use him as a babysitter

Show quote history

She uses a random 20 year old male neighbour as a babysitter regularly?!
Honestly I think both of you need some serious work on yourselves, your boundaries and, frankly, your self esteem. This bloke only asked for your number a week ago and yet you’re hysterical over him calling it off?! I’m sorry you’re so upset but that really isn’t a rational reaction. Head over heels in love after seven days for goodness sake. Stay single, get your head straight and just concentrate on your baby,