It’s over. The guy I’m dating just called me and said he doesn’t think this relationship should go any further. I’m devastated.

[Throwaway246810]

23F. I have 8 month old DS. Me and his dad have absolutely 0 contact. ((Cheating… whole other story for another day)) ( He arranges days to see his son through my mum which is roughly once every 2 weeks).
I still see my ex ‘sister in law’ (my ex’s brother’s ex partner… lol, still with me?) as she also has a child so we have a mutual interest to keep the children in each other’s lives as of course they are cousins.

Anyway, enough context, a (really decent) guy who lives on her road asked for my number about a week ago. I had seen him in passing many times before. He’s great and often takes her child on days out etc , He’s a few years younger than me. We hit it off instantly and me being me fell head over heels. (Urgh why do I do this..)

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

The most embarrassing thing was I had to mute the phone call after he told me it was over as tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and he must have known as he said “are you ok?”

I feel a failure. Who’s going to want me now? I’m a young single mum still living at my mum’s as no where else to live. No money. Why am I so naive? Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Reading this back Im aware I sound pretty pathetic. But I’m so upset. Please someone say something to make me feel better. I’m absolutely devastated.

Thanks for reading

This with bells on! So many red flags from all sides.

Oh ffs, this guy has done absolutely nothing wrong so there’s no need to bash him or call him names.

He’s only 20 years old & has got cold feet / decided this situation with the OP isn’t for him - he perfectly entitled to change his mind. If anything I think he’s done the mature thing by being upfront with the OP before they’ve even gone on a date or kissed. The OP is obviously very vulnerable so it would have been extremely easy for him to lead her on, get his leg over & then dump her but he hasn’t - this shows he’s actually a good guy. To be honest, I very much doubt the OP’s SIL arguing on the street or his mum has anything to do with it & instead he’s using it as an excuse to let her down gently.

You deserve someone a lot better than this man child anyway. You sound like such a lovely person, I think your self esteem is so low that you can't see that you deserve so much more.
I wasn't a single parent so I have no idea how hard that must be, and seriously well done to you for raising your little one by yourself. I did however have my eldest aged 23, and I remember feeling really isolated as the first one of my friends to have a child, and just really struggled emotionally without that type of support. You are doing great op. Don't ever base your worth on a man, ever ❤️

Exactly, after a week feeling like this? Focus on your DS.

Take a few years to be a mother and get yourself back emotionally and mentally, coming from another single mum. Focus your energy on that and when you are ready then look for a romantic interest.

OP, you’re getting some really harsh responses here. I understand where you are coming from though. It’s not necessarily this guy in particular but the fact that you thought this was the start of something and let yourself imagine a possible future with him. And now that has been crushed and you’re back to square one and in a position where it is really not easy to meet someone.

I spent a long time feeling this way. Building the beginnings of a relationship up so much that my upset when things didn’t go anywhere was totally out of proportion. The difference was I was in my late 20s and really wanted to start a family. I felt like time was running out and every failed beginning was another chance gone. I ended up meeting my husband in my early 30s. We have been happily married for 10 years now with two kids.

You are still so young. You have all the time in the world to meet someone. And you know what, even if you don’t your life can still be wonderful and meaningful. Focus on yourself, your baby and your friends and family. Think of things you enjoy and do them. There is so much more to life than finding a partner. It’s nice to be in a relationship but it’s not the only way to be happy. Some of the happiest people I know are single…

@ladydimitrescu thank you for lovely comment ❤️❤️ it's really what I need right now xx

@swimminginthesun I know, not trying to feel sorry for myself here but some people are so nasty on this site when all I wanted was a virtual shoulder to cry on...

Thanks for sharing this with me, it's something i needed to hear right now. I agree I need to learn to be happy single

Oh love, sending a big hug as it’s really rubbish to feel like this. However I agree with other posters, you really need to talk to a therapist/MH professional about why you classed this as a relationship and him as someone you’re dating as you’d never actually been on a date and are so upset about it. You knew nothing about him other than what your ex sister in law knows about him as a neighbour, which for most of us is incredibly little. Also I would be seeing major red flags in a 20 year old lad choosing to babysit a little boy he’s no relation to and it feels like you’ve had a lucky escape. You’ve got plenty of time for your life to sort itself out and many lovely things are coming that you can’t imagine yet! Chin up!

I second this. Abusive men can smell vulnerability a mile off. It sounds as though you are desperate to complete your family unit; but it’s critical to the health and well-being of both you and your DS that you are incredibly deciphering with any potential romantic interest.

Get yourself on your feet with work and your own place once you are ready, and in the meantime enjoy the peace and bonding with your gorgeous DS and try to make more platonic connections. Romance will come once you are on your feet.

Hello,
please look into limerence, it sounds like you might have it and it makes life alot easier the sooner you know as you can try and control your thoughts etc when it comes to dating x

I'm not sure he is an adult if she's 23 and he's 'a few years younger'.
Leave him alone!

@Justaname64 thank you for commenting. Yes, this thread has made me realise my behaviour has been quite strange in this situation. Im one of those people that thinks they've 'found their destiny' ... when in reality I'm probably just so very lonely

Shame on the posters calling a 20 year old young man a ‘mummy’s boy’ for living at home (which is very normal) and dodging what he sees as too much baggage and drama. He has acted completely appropriately.

I really agree with this. You are nit in a position to have a relationship op. You are too vulnerable and it means you and your child could end up in danger very easily. You need to do some work on your self esteem and on your boundaries around relationships to protect you both.

I was once in your shoes, a young single mum with a small baby. It’s so scary to have all of the emotional, physical and financial responsibility of raising a child - you are very vulnerable at the moment. Best advice I could give you is to focus on yourself and your beautiful baby. You are still so young and have the rest of your life to find someone, he is out there. In the meantime, find out what you want to do with your life, if you want a career, work on your self worth etc.

I was a single mum for 6 years, when my DS was old enough to get nursery funding I did an access course and went to uni, learnt to drive and got a part time job waitressing. Best thing I’ve ever done. He’s now a strapping 21 year old at uni with an incredible step dad - my husband.

A week ago? Is it possible to be so upset after such a short time?

I pleased I wasn’t the only one to pick up on the taking the child out. Seemed odd.

@Throwaway246810 is there any chance you have post natal depression, you seem very down in yourself.

@Screamingabdabz one of the reasons I'm upset is because I have no baggage or drama whatsoever with my son's father. The guy I'm speaking about has associated me with my SIL and her ex partner.

@RoseBucket

@Throwaway246810 is there any chance you have post natal depression, you seem very down in yourself.

I am down in myself about 70% of the time. Looking back I'm sure I had PND when my son was a new born; I wouldn't say I do now though. I'm just so badly craving that family unit which I don't have. It's eating away at me

@oiwiththepoodlesalready83 . I'm so glad it all worked out for you, I hope it does for me too. Thanks for your comment xx

Agree with PP. A man is not what you need. You’re clearly desperate to get into another relationship and that makes you very vulnerable to getting into relationships with abusive men.

You don’t need rescuing. Be your own hero. Be your baby’s hero. Focus on developing yourself and providing for your child.

As PPs have said - what’s your job path? What qualifications do you have? What qualifications do you want to acquire? What interests do you have? What skills and talents? What skills and talents do you want to acquire? You’re 23 - you may well have another 6-7 decades ahead of you. Build an amazing life for yourself. That way, if and when men come along, you won’t put up with shit; you’ll be able to have a healthy, equal relationship; not a desperate one where you’re wanting to be rescued.

@Throwaway246810 It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. Just don’t let that feeling take over. Why not allow yourself one mopey evening? Grab a big bar of chocolate and watch your favourite film. Then tomorrow do something positive, even if it’s just a small thing. Go for a walk somewhere pretty, meet a friend for coffee. Small steps and you’ll start to feel better.

Imagine how insignificant this will seem when you look back on it in a year’s time. Your feelings are valid but you need to keep them in perspective. This is a mere blip. Oh, and ignore all those posters trying to kick you while you’re down.

You're 23, he's a few years younger so like 20 maybe, and you've been going out a week - I'm sure it's tough but look at the reality, it was barely a relationship & you should be happy he didn't drag it out if it wasn't going to work.

@swimminginthesun thanks so much. I just love the nice posters. I'm currently on MN scoffing chocolate while I scroll and reply. Tomorrow is a new day... Thank you xx