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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It’s over. The guy I’m dating just called me and said he doesn’t think this relationship should go any further. I’m devastated.

161 replies

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:14

23F. I have 8 month old DS. Me and his dad have absolutely 0 contact. ((Cheating… whole other story for another day)) ( He arranges days to see his son through my mum which is roughly once every 2 weeks).
I still see my ex ‘sister in law’ (my ex’s brother’s ex partner… lol, still with me?) as she also has a child so we have a mutual interest to keep the children in each other’s lives as of course they are cousins.

Anyway, enough context, a (really decent) guy who lives on her road asked for my number about a week ago. I had seen him in passing many times before. He’s great and often takes her child on days out etc , He’s a few years younger than me. We hit it off instantly and me being me fell head over heels. (Urgh why do I do this..)

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

The most embarrassing thing was I had to mute the phone call after he told me it was over as tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and he must have known as he said “are you ok?”

I feel a failure. Who’s going to want me now? I’m a young single mum still living at my mum’s as no where else to live. No money. Why am I so naive? Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Reading this back Im aware I sound pretty pathetic. But I’m so upset. Please someone say something to make me feel better. I’m absolutely devastated.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

Original poster

Throwaway246810 · 01/07/2023 08:49

Limer · 01/07/2023 08:38

Some great advice from PPs. You are very young and very naive. Please focus on yourself and your baby for a while. Don't waste headspace on thinking "the one" is just around the corner. Being single is normal. Grow up a bit, take control of your own life and stop thinking that finding Mr Right will solve all your problems.

@Limer

I agree, I'm so grateful for the advice.

For me it was not normal to be single (someone of my age) I guess everyone around me had boyfriends. Silly of me, don't know where that came from

OP posts:

TheoTheopolis23 · 01/07/2023 08:52

can’t knock a ball about with a neighbour’s kid?

Is that what he's doing?

It's been described as baby sitting, and outings.

If it's knocking a ball around with an older child, under supervision.... Fine.

If it's unsupervised or the child is quite young or it's baby sitting in the "sil" house or taking the child on outings alone ....... There is a serious failure of safe guarding here.

TheoTheopolis23 · 01/07/2023 08:54

I guess it's just all my circle of friends from school have done things the 'textbook' way: saving up, buying a house with a mortgage, will probably be engaged soon etc.

All your 22 yr old friends have saved up enough for deposits and bought houses with mortgages??

I'm wondering where on earth you live. Most people can't afford to do that until their 30s.

Original poster

Throwaway246810 · 01/07/2023 09:04

TheoTheopolis23 · 01/07/2023 08:54

I guess it's just all my circle of friends from school have done things the 'textbook' way: saving up, buying a house with a mortgage, will probably be engaged soon etc.

All your 22 yr old friends have saved up enough for deposits and bought houses with mortgages??

I'm wondering where on earth you live. Most people can't afford to do that until their 30s.

@TheoTheopolis23

Yep! They obviously have partners, so that's their income doubled already, I'd say they're on 28-30k a year like I was earning before DC so nothing huge (to people on here that's probably peanuts) but as they were living with parents before they could save huge amounts each month.

I live outskirts of London

As for SIL's child with this guy. It's a bit of everything, maybe trip to cinema, playing football outside, sometimes he would baby sit in her house for her. Child is 7 years old. It's interesting how many people find this concerning, but honestly, he's a really decent guy and they live on an estate where 'community' is really prevalent. Not to mention bcos he lives with his mum SIL obviously knows his mum very well too so I guess that brings some reassurance

OP posts:

Mulhollandmagoo · 01/07/2023 09:20

My SIL had two children very young to a deadbeat, she is now happily married to my husbands brother with another child, he has raised her children as his own and they have a lovely life together - it will come for you when it's right, and you're in the right place for it, right now work on yourself and soak up your beautiful baby ❤️ don't place too much importance on a relationship or you will end up in the wrong one, and that is way worse than being single.

NeedleFeltedFox · 01/07/2023 09:36

user1497207191 · 01/07/2023 08:28

Strange that a 20 year old man is still living with Mummy and doing what is effectively babysitting for a neighbour. He sounds VERY immature and childish.

Does he have a job? Is he studying at Uni or College? If he's hanging around his neighbourhood "playing" with other children like your SIL's child, it sounds like he still thinks and acts like he's a child himself.

Personally, I think you've dodged a bullet.

You need to work on your own self esteem, get yourself some independence by getting some qualifications, a trade or career.

Forget dating for the time being and concentrate on yourself and your child, sorry to say, but you don't sound emotionally ready yourself, and if you're not careful, you'll end up with another child by another absent or abusive father.

The op still lives with mummy and she’s older. The double standards are unbelievable

Original poster

Throwaway246810 · 01/07/2023 09:48

Mulhollandmagoo · 01/07/2023 09:20

@Mulhollandmagoo thanks so much for this kind post x

OP posts:

DollyTheFluffyOne · 01/07/2023 10:11

Creditcrunch2243 · 01/07/2023 04:34

Sorry you are having a tough time, I think we have all been there are your feelings are your feeling and no one can tell you that you are wrong in that sense. But I need to say this and you need to think carefully about what I am about to say.

There are predators out there who look for women like you. Vulnerable, young, single moms, still living at home with no real assets of their own. Predators that want to abuse you and your son. You have to trust me I work in this field, I have seen it. If you carry on falling this hard for men who give you a little bit of attention you are likely to find yourself living in some scumbags home who beats you and your son. Have a read of any of these stories in the news where an innocent child has been beaten and murdered by their mom and a step parent. That’s just the violent men. Then you have the men that use websites to discuss women like you and how easy they are into manipulating. Men that want to sexually abuse your son. I know that is horrible but you need to know.

If You want a strong family unit you need to stay the hell away from men for a while. You will attract a good man by being a strong, confident woman who doesn’t need a man but wants one. There needs to be an equal balance of power in a relationship and you aren’t there are the moment. I know it sounds like ages but it’s not - in a year your son will be talking to you, you will be able to hold his hand and take him to the zoo. He will be sleeping through the night and eating a small portion of whatever you have for dinner. It gets so much easier. In the meantime do things for you, join a gym/ take an evening college class/ whatever. Do not ruin yours and your little boys life by attaching to any old bloke who gives you the time of day. X

I'm so glad to see someone who works in this area put up this post. What is this desperation with some young women to have a man in their lives all the time? Why do they have a baby with this man then this one and then why do we read these horror stories in the newspapers about children being beaten to death by men who are of no biological connection to them? Do they have nothing in their lives other than this - seeking the next BF? I understand they are young, stuck at home with a baby, no job, nothing much going on other than SM crap but come on!

DollyTheFluffyOne · 01/07/2023 10:14

@Throwaway246810 I have to say that if you are indeed what you claim to be then you write very well ( your posts sound very mature) - you should be looking to work on your job qualifications.

Original poster

Throwaway246810 · 01/07/2023 10:38

DollyTheFluffyOne · 01/07/2023 10:14

@Throwaway246810 I have to say that if you are indeed what you claim to be then you write very well ( your posts sound very mature) - you should be looking to work on your job qualifications.

What is this desperation with some young women to have a man in their lives all the time? Why do they have a baby with this man then this one and then why do we read these horror stories in the newspapers about children being beaten to death by men who are of no biological connection to them? Do they have nothing in their lives other than this - seeking the next BF? I understand they are young, stuck at home with a baby, no job, nothing much going on other than SM crap but come on!

@DollyTheFluffyOne

I don't know exactly where my desperation comes from. Without a sob story, i do think it partly stems from childhood and general low self esteem. Also the feeling of unhappiness and thinking that someone 'loving me' will make me feel loved and therefore happy.

I go back to work in September, Maybe I am climbing the walls right now... I don't know.. I can't even remember what it feels like to work anymore. (Been on mat leave around 10 months now)

What's SM?

My child's dad was my first relationship. (I was a very late bloomer) and so that makes me fantasise all the more as I'm kind of out of touch of what a 'normal, boring' (shall we say) relationship is.

Lastly, thanks for the compliment on your other comment! 😁 yes I am who I say am. (Well as much as I can on MN without the fear that someone might recognise my situation.). I am mature in the way I carry myself (I'd like to think) but clearly not in relationships lol!

OP posts:

tuvamoodyson · 01/07/2023 11:51

Screamingabdabz · 01/07/2023 08:46

“Strange that a 20 year old man is still living with Mummy and doing what is effectively babysitting for a neighbour. He sounds VERY immature and childish.”

Neither of those things are ‘immature and childish’. They are perfectly normal.

I don’t know what planet you live on @user1497207191 ? One where all 20 year old lads own their own home and can’t knock a ball about with a neighbour’s kid? ‘Living with mummy’ is a snidey way to talk about any young person still living at home.

Exactly this! He’s 20!!! I hate this ‘mummy and daddy’ stuff on here, it’s so nasty! Meanwhile, on another thread a poster is saying she’s sad her 22yr old son/19yr old daughter have never had a relationship, posters are saying ‘but he’s so young!!’ And, flame me all you like, but I wouldn’t want my 20 yr old son having a relationship with a single mum. I’d be advising him to run a mile, especially one mixed up with someone shouting in the street and fighting with her ex! I’d be telling him to run!

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